Can being single for too long become unhealthy?

[MustGetRich]

At my age now (25), I've never had any sexual experience whatsoever, never even kissed a woman, and during these last 6 months I've started to hear more and more comments from people that I "really need a girlfriend." Even my family members have been hinting about finding a partner and it's making me feel more abnormal than ever.

 

 

I've never been the type of man women are interested in, so this is just the way it turned out. The opportunity was never there. What I'm really worried about now is can being involuntarily single for a long time have an unhealthy effect on an individual?

 

 

I read an article that stated people who are single for years start to experience serious depression, unhappiness and frustration later in their lives, and this is something that I don't want to happen. I'm starting to wonder if I will develop psychological issues and if they would be curable.

 

 

 

 

So my question is, is there any chance I could get used to being single and somehow remain even slightly normal, or will it eventually start to take its toll?

Edited July 9, 2013 by MustGetRich

[clia]

So my question is, is there any chance I could get used to being single and somehow remain even slightly normal, or will it eventually start to take its toll?

 

IMO, the main thing is that as a single person, you might get set in your ways. If you do things long enough one way, it becomes difficult to see a different view point, and to adjust to a different type of life with a partner. Being in a relationship allows you to learn to compromise, see another person's viewpoint, expand your view on things (and how to do things), be flexible with another person's schedule, etc.

[Teufelhunden]

It depends on the person. Some people become depressed and need to have a significant other in their life at all times. Other people are perfectly fine being single and do not have any severe mental or emotional issues because of it. I would say that if you're not happy being with yourself as a single person though then being in a relationship won't magically fix that. It might help to an extent, but there are probably underlying issues that should be resolved.

 

If you continue waiting for that opportunity without putting in any effort then you will wait forever. Sometimes you have to make the opportunities yourself. Dating and relationships take work, there is no way around it, especially if you're not the type that "women are interested in." There are always things you can do and change about yourself so that they are more likely to be interested when you talk to them, but again, it takes effort on your part.

[ThaWholigan]

If you maintain perspective and keep social, you'll be ok

[Luckydad]

Have you ever read the world's shortest fairy tale? It goes like this: "Once upon a time, a man asked a woman to marry him.

 

She answered "NO!"

 

And the man lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, went fishing and hunting alot, traveled the world, played golf any time he wanted, drank beer and scotch and whiskey, and had money in the bank. The end. "

[CarrieT]

I read an article that stated people who are single for years start to experience serious depression, unhappiness and frustration later in their lives, and this is something that I don't want to happen.

This happens if you let it happen. It is not a foregone conclusion.

 

I have several friends who are now in their 50s who have been single their whole lives. One, very close friend has been similarly limited in his ability to get women and I know that the only sexual experiences he has had (in his late 30s and 40s) were with prostitutes and then, once every other year or so.

 

He is not depressed, unhappy, or frustrated. He has simply accepted this type of lifestyle for himself and many, many men do the same.

 

If you dwell on it, then it is an issue. Many people are happy in their single lives.

[Teufelhunden]

its crucial that he puts effort into it no doubt about that. but it isn't always enough. there's a huge difference between being single for a few years and single forever.

 

Very true. But in my experience the guys I know who have had no or very few relationships and are in their late twenties into their thirties are there because they don't put forth enough effort.

 

My brother, for example. He is 32, the only relationship he has ever had lasted about two months and she pursued him. He doesn't try to date, he doesn't attempt to meet women, he just works and watches baseball. The only way he will get married is if a woman chases him and does all the work. He has stated on numerous occasions that he just hasn't had the "opportunity."

 

Usually when I see men who are in this situation it is because they have similar personalities or habits to my brother. There are women everywhere you go in life, the opportunities are there, you just have to take them and not get discouraged after a couple failed attempts.

[RogerWallace111]

Pretty clear answer: Yes, it can have an unhealthy effect, but only to the point you let it.

 

Though in the long run you only have yourself anyway, I wouldn't suggest just trying to learn to accept your batchelorhood. Because relationships can potentially bring you immeasurable joy.

 

It's nothing profound, but basically...

Say "happiness" can be put on a scale where 1 is suicidally depressed, 5 is baseline contentment but not joyful, and 10 is blissfully ecstatic.

Assuming one isn't asexual and has the basic capacity to enjoy romantic intimacy- emotional and sexual- they can be single and hover in the 3-8 range. Generally feeling satisfied with things, being brought some joy from time to time by passions, hobbies, friends, etc. On the other hand, the person experiencing intimacy is getting a lot of 9 & 10 moments thrown in there, because it's really an unparalleled human pleasure. The catch of course being that you're then liable to experience the 1s & 2s if you lose a deep love.

 

It seems to be a common debate but I'm convinced that the person who has loved and lost can feel much deeper loneliness than the one who's never experienced love. If not a deeper loneliness, a very different one. Having lived till 20 with minimal intimacy, then spending 4 years in a relationship, I can say without a doubt that the pain of yearning I had before pales in comparison to that of losing love. At the same time, I'm a better person for it and I now know my capacity for being an incredible partner. So basically, like I said, your spectrum of pain and pleasure is increased on both ends by love. Being single leaves you in a more comfortable middle zone.

 

Got a bit off the main topic, just comparing the options .

 

Don't be paranoid about your mental health being affected, but don't give up on finding a lady. Patience.

Edited July 9, 2013 by RogerWallace111

[KathyM]

There are plenty of people who are happily single. They find other things and other outlets to bring joy and meaning in their lives if a relationship is not in the cards for them. But you are only 25 and are interested in dating, so the best advice I could give you is to work on yourself to make yourself attractive to women, such as working on your social skills, building a career, hobbies, an interesting life that would make you an interesting partner to a woman. And work on your appearance if that has been an issue for you. If you are afraid to approach women, then there are counselors who can help you overcome your Social Phobia. Any problem that is holding you back can be overcome. You just need to have the motivation to work on yourself and not be willing to accept that nothing can change. Alternatively, if you would rather remain single than work on yourself or put yourself out there, then a single life can be satisfying as well. There are many things that can bring joy and fulfillment in your life. A relationship is only one of those things.

[FitChick]

Spiritually evolved and advanced people are quite happy being single. Probably happier.

[RebelWithoutACause]

Any situation that's making you miserable is unhealthy. If you're miserable single then yes, it's unhealthy. Just like it's unhealthy to be in a relationship that's making you unhappy.

[pcplod]

Do you want to know what is what if you conform to the median or what might be possible for you?

 

The bottom line is that married men live longer than single men, while single women live longer than married women. That's the naked facts. As to the reasons why, there is little more than conjecture available. Within that bald assertion, there is there is the little small fact of how do those figures relate to the men who are miserably married.

 

On top of which married men get more sex, on average, than single men, but as an average you might well expect that. If you are a man in a sexless marriage you might think that statistics are a useless and particularly cruel illustration of the world to a man who is dying of thirst (literally not metaphorically).

 

Beyond the statistics and averages, your world is largely, if not entirely, what you decide to make of it, how bloody-minded and determined you are. Although extreme obsession is as about as interesting and sexy as a dead fish, by all accounts.

[SJC2008]

IMO, the main thing is that as a single person, you might get set in your ways. If you do things long enough one way, it becomes difficult to see a different view point, and to adjust to a different type of life with a partner. Being in a relationship allows you to learn to compromise, see another person's viewpoint, expand your view on things (and how to do things), be flexible with another person's schedule, etc.

 

While I understand and appreciate where you're coming from, this sounds like the typical "rhetoric" that is told to perma-single people. I've met many a woman who have had/are in LTR's who wouldn't try to understand the other persons viewpoint if thier life depened on it, my mother is one of them. The ability to compromise and act in the fashion you quoted has more to do with the person than thier relationship exp or lack thereof.

[MustGetRich]

There are plenty of people who are happily single. They find other things and other outlets to bring joy and meaning in their lives if a relationship is not in the cards for them. But you are only 25 and are interested in dating, so the best advice I could give you is to work on yourself to make yourself attractive to women, such as working on your social skills, building a career, hobbies, an interesting life that would make you an interesting partner to a woman. And work on your appearance if that has been an issue for you. If you are afraid to approach women, then there are counselors who can help you overcome your Social Phobia. Any problem that is holding you back can be overcome. You just need to have the motivation to work on yourself and not be willing to accept that nothing can change. Alternatively, if you would rather remain single than work on yourself or put yourself out there, then a single life can be satisfying as well. There are many things that can bring joy and fulfillment in your life. A relationship is only one of those things.

 

Thank you for your advice. I think this is what I need to do - accept and become satisfied with a life of bachelorhood. At 25 years old I think that I'm in too deep now and too set in my ways; I could probably never adapt to anything else. If I was younger maybe it'd be different, but the best thing for me to do is to block it all out and focus on other things, like my career and money. I always feel better when I'm at the gym or at work and thinking about anything but myself.

[todreaminblue]

i have been single a long time now the longest i haver ever been single........i was in a relationship for fifteen years and back to back three years then two at six months......that takes me back to before i was legal.......

 

 

i think to be truly happy with someone you need to be able to be happy on your own.......it is as another poster said a compromise and an ability to adapt to eb ina relationship i am not worried about that.......compromise and adaptation are my specialties.......i do suffer from depression it isnt from lack of a man in my life.......the depression was always there....lurking......and if i let it get on top of me it would...but i dont........

 

if you can adapt and compromise it doesnt matter how long you are single for.....when you meet the right person adapting comes naturally...compromise becomes delicious.......you want to meet that person you care for half way.........

 

 

 

25 isnt old........it isnt young either....sounds like a good placer to be....dotn waste years with regret......enjoy your time you have alone....go out.....see what you see....meet new people, be open with a smile on your face and you will find what you are searching for....when you actually stop looking....what you are looking for is always in the last place you visit so you dont need to look for anyone or anything... it will come whern you stop looking...best wishes............happy trekkin.............deb

[white]

Uh. 25 is no age to think this way. Maybe in another twenty years you can talk about a bachelor life. Even if you make zero effort to meet anyone and fall into a routine as deep as a sea trench you could run into someone out of the blue who'll change your world.

[sdraw108]

Thank you for your advice. I think this is what I need to do - accept and become satisfied with a life of bachelorhood. At 25 years old I think that I'm in too deep now and too set in my ways; I could probably never adapt to anything else. If I was younger maybe it'd be different, but the best thing for me to do is to block it all out and focus on other things, like my career and money. I always feel better when I'm at the gym or at work and thinking about anything but myself.

 

I don't know whether to laugh or cry . At 25 you've got your whole life ahead of you - you can change anything you want, and there will be tons more opportunities to meet people. I don't know where you got this idea from that it's too late at 25!

 

On a more serious note, the stuff you said in your last two sentences are actually the very things that will help you improve your dating prospects, as they all involve working on yourself.

[MustGetRich]

Uh. 25 is no age to think this way. Maybe in another twenty years you can talk about a bachelor life. Even if you make zero effort to meet anyone and fall into a routine as deep as a sea trench you could run into someone out of the blue who'll change your world.

 

You might think I'm being pessimistic, but this is a 25 year old with ZERO experience. That's quite significant. Even if a woman did express interest one day, do you really still think she would still be interested in a man once she finds out he has zero experience?

 

A bachelor life doesn't have to be miserable. Plenty of posters in this thread have offered great advice and I also agree with the poster who said as long as I'm social and maintain perspective things could be okay. The only thing I'm worried about is developing mental issues later on in my life. I've just become a little anxious since I read that article about how people can die earlier, develop high blood pressure and other medical problems if they never have relationships. I don't want that to happen.

[todreaminblue]

You might think I'm being pessimistic, but this is a 25 year old with ZERO experience. That's quite significant. Even if a woman did express interest one day, do you really still think she would still be interested in a man once she finds out he has zero experience?

 

A bachelor life doesn't have to be miserable. Plenty of posters in this thread have offered great advice and I also agree with the poster who said as long as I'm social and maintain perspective things could be okay. The only thing I'm worried about is developing mental issues later on in my life. I've just become a little anxious since I read that article about how people can die earlier, develop high blood pressure and other medical problems if they never have relationships. I don't want that to happen.

 

 

my maternal grandmother died of a heart attack.....twelve months later my maternal grandfather died of a broken heart, deeply depressed, he had years of marriage years o ftears and laughs and pain and joy.............till death do us part.....love is a risk, it has as much risk as it does to be alone...even more so.....relationships are fraught with stressors....and cause mental issues of their own....dont worry about what may be....but rather see come what may............

 

 

you cannot live in a future possibility only in the certainty of today and a promise of a tomorrow..everything else survives in mystery...so why worry?....deb

[Moe'sTavern]

my maternal grandmother died of a heart attack.....twelve months later my maternal grandfather died of a broken heart, deeply depressed, he had years of marriage years o ftears and laughs and pain and joy.............till death do us part.....love is a risk, it has as much risk as it does to be alone...even more so.....relationships are fraught with stressors....and cause mental issues of their own....dont worry about what may be....but rather see come what may............

 

 

you cannot live in a future possibility only in the certainty of today and a promise of a tomorrow..everything else survives in mystery...so why worry?....deb

I like this. And also, don't worry about possibly "dying earlier". Thing is we all die at our own time from a variety of reasons; no matter what our relationship status is.

[MustGetRich]

my maternal grandmother died of a heart attack.....twelve months later my maternal grandfather died of a broken heart, deeply depressed, he had years of marriage years o ftears and laughs and pain and joy.............till death do us part.....love is a risk, it has as much risk as it does to be alone...even more so.....relationships are fraught with stressors....and cause mental issues of their own....dont worry about what may be....but rather see come what may............

 

 

you cannot live in a future possibility only in the certainty of today and a promise of a tomorrow..everything else survives in mystery...so why worry?....deb

 

 

I guess you're right. There's no point worrying about the future. Whatever happens happens.

[todreaminblue]

I guess you're right. There's no point worrying about the future. Whatever happens happens.

 

 

 

Stan Walker - Take It Easy (Lyrics) - YouTube

 

 

 

smilin atcha....deb

[carhill]

So my question is, is there any chance I could get used to being single and somehow remain even slightly normal, or will it eventually start to take its toll?

 

IME, enjoying a full and balanced life outside of the romantic realm lessens or eliminates the effects of its dearth on overall mood, psychology and 'normalcy'. Growing your strengths and focusing on them and the positive energy they bring to your life brings a new perception of 'normal'. When people tell you that 'you need a girlfriend', just smile. You're following your path. Perhaps a girlfriend will be part of it. No one knows for sure what tomorrow will bring. Focus on and enjoy today.

[tbf]

As long as you have a close social and familial group, you should be fine. Where it becomes detrimental are people who isolate themselves, never learning how to socially interact.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I prefer being single and that's when I feel my best. I do have a lot of family and social interaction though.