April18 Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Hello. I am a very independent woman and have never been the type to pressure any guy for marriage . I am older, as is my boyfriend and we both know we don't want to have children, so I guess I never had that biological clock thing going. I am also financially independent, own my own home, etc. These reasons have let me to not feel pressure to be married, though I do believe in marriage. I don't believe in "shacking up" for a multitude of reasons. My boyfriend was well aware of this. This past winter, he brought up moving in to my place. He spends all his time at my place anyway and his lease was going to be up. I reiterated that I don't believe in shacking up. Shortly after that, he came to me and showed me some engagement rings he was looking at online. We discussed, in detail, the type of ring we liked. I didn't say anything for about it again, but I took it to mean we would go forward with him moving in and would be getting engaged. A month before his lease was up, he said something along the lines (Sorry, I don't remember the specific conversation) about "seeing how it goes" or "if it goes well" .... I, again, said I don't believe in living together without at least being engaged first. He answered by saying,"Well, you don't need the specific date it's going to happen, don't you want to be surprised?" So he moved in and after he moved in, I had a gut feeling that he wasn't going to propose any time soon. One night, I asked him about this and he said,"Why do we need to go through the motions". Well, things just snowballed from there. I became this person I have never been, pressuring him to make a commitment, but I was feeling as if we already decided on getting married, hence him moving in. I was feeling the pressure of him living with me without an engagement or marriage and began to pressure him to follow through on his promise, which pushed him away further. I told him he had to move out then and we have since broken up. So my question: Was it wrong of me to pressure him for a real commitment? I never was or wanted to be that type of person try to force someone to do something or give them an ultimatum, but I feel I had no choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 To me, it sounds like he emotionally manipulated you to get what he wanted (moving in with you). Basically, he dangled the rings in front of you to give you the idea that he was thinking of proposing, and then when he got what he wanted, he backtracked. It's not like it was a misunderstanding. He KNEW perfectly well how you felt about this issue. I don't think you did anything wrong. Good on you for asking him to move out. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author April18 Posted July 9, 2013 Author Share Posted July 9, 2013 Thank you. Days when I'm feeling down, it's nice to hear from regular people (meaning not therapists, etc.). It's hard not to second guess yourself now and then. Link to post Share on other sites
mercuryshadow Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 No, you were absolutely within your right. It was your condition upon him moving in with you. I'm very sorry to hear that you were manipulated. Be that as it may, it could have been for any reason (possibly fear?) Since you have broken up, has he shown any sign of remorse? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author April18 Posted July 9, 2013 Author Share Posted July 9, 2013 Well, up until he finally moved all his stuff out, he was pretty much blaming me for "pressuring him" and "being angry/fighting with him about this". Mind you, I pretty much disrupted my entire home to make room for him, got rid of my bed and other things. Who wouldn't be angry, just on that alone. Is he feeling remorse now. Not sure. I haven't spoken to him in just over three weeks (when he finally came to get the rest of this stuff). I need time and distance to process it all and see no reason to contact him. Thank you for your support. Link to post Share on other sites
CherryT Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 (edited) To me, it sounds like he emotionally manipulated you to get what he wanted (moving in with you). Basically, he dangled the rings in front of you to give you the idea that he was thinking of proposing, and then when he got what he wanted, he backtracked. It's not like it was a misunderstanding. He KNEW perfectly well how you felt about this issue. I don't think you did anything wrong. Good on you for asking him to move out. I agree with this. Was he also contributing to the household? Or did he just move in and was a kept man? In a sense, it sounded like you were both trying to meet half way. He wanted to co-habitat and you didn't think it was right to do that before a real commitment/engagement. That is completely normal. After watching some friends who have moved in with their SO and can't get a proposal after YEARS (and these are women who want marriage and kids), it's absolutely normal to not want to move in with each other until you're close to that stage in your relationship or even there. You met him halfway and he didn't. I think you did the right thing. It's not like you were giving him an ultimatum out of the blue. You had discussed the progress of your relationship and he pulled the rug right out from under you. If he wasn't "ready to get married" you could've continued dating but living separately. No problem. No Pressure. However, it was convenient for him because his lease was up and you said the only way you'd move in with a partner is if you were engaged... Again very reasonable. I think you dodged a bullet and I hope you dust yourself off and get back out there. You value your relationship and how it progresses and you don't just let anyone move in. He didn't want to give you what you want (clear conditions from the get go) then why should he stay in YOUR house. I wouldn't let him blaming you bring you down... It's hard for most people to take accountability for their actions. Good for you for standing your ground! Edited July 9, 2013 by CherryT 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Your first instincts were right, in not wanting to cohabitate. The lesson learned is to stick to those boundaries, no matter how hard the guy pushes you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author April18 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 He was contributing to the household, but for much less than what he was paying on his own. Exactly, I even brought that up when he said,"Why can't you compromise?" I said,"I did compromise, by agreeing to live together before we were actually married." (Note: Next time, if there is a next time, I will def. wait until after the wedding to move in together.) I also reminded him that all this moving in and getting engaged was HIS IDEA! So maddening and he wondered why I was upset. I think you dodged a bullet and I hope you dust yourself off and get back out there. Thank you. I agree and hope to have learned something from all of this. I really appreciate the responses I am getting. I think in years down the road, if I am still single and possibly doubting if I made a big mistake, these responses will help me keep my head on straight. I think the dodging the bullet thing is so true to. Do I want to be with someone who can so easily disrespect my values and also try to manipulate things to get their way. Mamma's Boy Moonpie is what he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author April18 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 Thank you. It is hard to stick to boundaries when it can be so lonely out there, but in the end, I am "married" to myself first. Meaning, I have to live with and face myself every day until death do I part....so I need to be true to myself first. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 (edited) Thank you. It is hard to stick to boundaries when it can be so lonely out there, but in the end, I am "married" to myself first. Meaning, I have to live with and face myself every day until death do I part....so I need to be true to myself first. You sound like a very strong woman. I am glad this guy wasn't able to take advantage of you. Now it's time to keep on living. There WILL be a next time, and you've learned a valuable lesson. Just don't let it make you unyielding and uncompromising when the right man comes along! -A Edited July 10, 2013 by Arabella 1 Link to post Share on other sites
juicygirl Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 I wish more women were like you and don't settle for what you don't want just because you are in love with the guy. He tried to trick you. All that showing you wedding rings crap was bait to get you hook. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author April18 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 Thank you everyone for your kind words. It gives me a lot of hope to carry on : ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author April18 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 p.s. Great point about not being unyielding and uncompromising when the right man comes along! That's a big complaint I hear from my male friends who are dating older women. That they bring a lot of resentment and negativity from their past relationships/marriages to their new relationship. (Men do that too). I guess the one rule to have is: If you are not being treated well, go, get out; but enter every situation with a fresh perspective. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 p.s. Great point about not being unyielding and uncompromising when the right man comes along! That's a big complaint I hear from my male friends who are dating older women. That they bring a lot of resentment and negativity from their past relationships/marriages to their new relationship. (Men do that too). I guess the one rule to have is: If you are not being treated well, go, get out; but enter every situation with a fresh perspective. I'm the poster child for that issue, that's why I mentioned it My fiance has had to deal with the "hard edge" that came along with me being cheated on, abused, etc in prior relationships. I'm constantly looking for "red flags" in our relationship and making the worst assumptions. Sometimes, we don't mean to, but it still happens... we get hurt, and we develop defenses that we refuse to let down. These defenses that were meant to protect our hearts can also end up preventing us from developing healthy relationships. If another man comes along who wants to live together before getting married, don't automatically deny him despite what this chump did to you. Instead, make SURE to ask the right questions and listen carefully! I'd say that once you have the ring on your finger and the reception hall booked for a date, it's pretty safe to assume he's serious about marrying you Link to post Share on other sites
Author April18 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 Actually, twenty years ago, I did move in with my fiancée at the time. I had the ring, the church and reception booked. I also had a shower, dress bought, the works. I found out he was cheating on me the night before the invitations were going to be mailed out. That is one of the reasons why I never lived or wanted to live with a man again before marriage Could I have been looking for "red flags" with this current relationship and making assumptions?? Though, it seems like your fiancée is understanding of that, gives you the reassurance you need and doesn't let it snowball out of control, unlike my recent ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Actually, twenty years ago, I did move in with my fiancée at the time. I had the ring, the church and reception booked. I also had a shower, dress bought, the works. I found out he was cheating on me the night before the invitations were going to be mailed out. That is one of the reasons why I never lived or wanted to live with a man again before marriage Could I have been looking for "red flags" with this current relationship and making assumptions?? Though, it seems like your fiancée is understanding of that, gives you the reassurance you need and doesn't let it snowball out of control, unlike my recent ex. Your ex clearly meant to marry you despite the cheating. Unfortunately, being married is not going to stop a man from cheating on you, April. Therefore, there is little use on holding off for that reason, you know? If nothing else, I was hesitant to cohabit before marriage because I was afraid of becoming another "forever girlfriend"... despite the fact that he reassured me he WANTED to marry me. He just had a different timeline from mine. So, I took a leap of faith, struggling against myself the whole way... It sounds like you were very open-minded with this guy. Again, you did nothing wrong. Take the lessons to heart, and don't let him make you bitter Link to post Share on other sites
Author April18 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 Thank you. Much appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
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