Inflikted Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I feel like I may not be the most "normal" of individuals when it comes to approaching attraction and dating, and whatnot. Honestly, I still really don't understand how it works. I'm basically almost completely uninterested in "physical stimulation". I don't care how a girl looks, I don't "notice" good-looking women, I never find myself "oggling" girls, or anything like that. I just don't care. That's not to say I have zero interest in sex, but rather, I'm much more interested in someone who stimulates me mentally. And unfortunately, that's not something you can identify quickly enough to assess, like you can with looks. Even when I do get to know girls a little better, I never find any of them mentally stimulating to myself to the point where I'd want to go on a date with them. I just don't "feel" it, yanno? On the rare occasion that I do find someone that stimulates me mentally, she's always more attracted to someone that stimulates her physically. It's a bit disheartening. I've even tried online dating numerous times over the years. I never found any girls on any sites that I REALLY wanted to go on a date with, but I always forced myself to try writing to any girl that seemed okay to me. While I've never actually kept track of the numbers, I'd say I've contacted and tried to meet somewhere between 80-100 girls via various dating sites, and among them, only a tiny fraction ever responded to my messages (I consider a lack of response as a "rejection"), and among that minority, none were ever interested enough to meet up with me. So, I just keep wondering what the heck I'm supposed to do. I'm sick of not being able to find anyone that's "mentally stimulating" to me, and I'm sick of finding someone that DOES stimulate me mentally, only for them to date guys that are much more "physically stimulating" than I'll ever be. It's frustrating, and I just don't really understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Rich34 Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Fair enough but women are only going to notice you if you are GOOD LOOKING. You can bet your last quid on that! Try advanced maths, that should be mentally stimulating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 See, that's what concerns me, because I'm okay with my looks, but I'm not (nor will I ever be) the hot rugged "manly"-looking man that seems to be successful with women. I've always heard that looks aren't THAT important to girls when compared to a deeper connection, yet it seems like of the very few girls I have anything in common with and have some kind of connection with, they all want a "hot rugged man" that I just can't compare to in that way. It's frustrating to say the least. Link to post Share on other sites
Socks At Play Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 (edited) I had similar feelings. I had to change my thinking and embrace the fact that a mutual physical attraction comes first for most people. That means I lost a bunch of weight and bought some decent clothes that fit me. I keep my hair trimmed more often. I got some glasses that weren't designed in the 1990s. I'm far from a "manly man;" I have received the label "cute." Since I picked up my head and stopped looking at the ground all the time, I've discovered there seems to be a decent population of women that find me attractive enough to sustain eye contact and smile. After that it's a numbers game until I find somebody that's compatible on a deeper level. You've got to start somewhere and most of the time it's physical attraction. I thought online dating would be a good way around this given people can express themselves with more than just photos, but I was just mostly ignored on the site. Edited July 11, 2013 by Socks At Play Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted July 11, 2013 Author Share Posted July 11, 2013 But I just... don't know how to do that. I'm just not able to look at a girl and think "She's pretty, I want to ask her out". My brain just never makes that kind of connection, and if I don't even have that thought, how do I decide who I want to ask out or not? Link to post Share on other sites
Socks At Play Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 ... how do I decide who I want to ask out or not? Women who make non-accidental eye contact and smile at you are a good place to start. Those who start talking first are more rare but that sometimes happens as well. (Of course I'm talking about women other than your customers or women at their job.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 And if that doesn't happen at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 The key is to be patient with these women and give them a chance, even if they may not seem to be a perfect match. I too spent plenty of time looking for someone who could keep up with me mentally. For awhile I wrote them off right away, but slowly I changed and decided just because at first glance it didn't seem perfect, doesn't mean the she's not nervous right there as well and having brain farts. Right now you're over thinking things a good deal and it's holding you back. What do you have to lose by asking someone out who may not be able to keep up with you mentally? A few hours of your time might shine a new light on this person. You may make good friends or even find someone to spend your life with, but you'll get nowhere by putting a wall up to protect yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I feel like I may not be the most "normal" of individuals when it comes to approaching attraction and dating, and whatnot. Honestly, I still really don't understand how it works. I'm basically almost completely uninterested in "physical stimulation". I don't care how a girl looks, I don't "notice" good-looking women, I never find myself "oggling" girls, or anything like that. I just don't care. That's not to say I have zero interest in sex, but rather, I'm much more interested in someone who stimulates me mentally. And unfortunately, that's not something you can identify quickly enough to assess, like you can with looks. Completely normal. The brain is the largest sexual organ and people are stimulated differently. Even when I do get to know girls a little better, I never find any of them mentally stimulating to myself to the point where I'd want to go on a date with them. I just don't "feel" it, yanno? On the rare occasion that I do find someone that stimulates me mentally, she's always more attracted to someone that stimulates her physically. It's a bit disheartening. Yes I can see why this is disheartening but I agree with the Philosoraptor that you need to give girls a chance. I think you are probably a bit young-ish so I'm assuming you usually talk to girls your age, they won't have the sort of more developed personality and character like a 30 or 40-year-old woman does. I've even tried online dating numerous times over the years. I never found any girls on any sites that I REALLY wanted to go on a date with, but I always forced myself to try writing to any girl that seemed okay to me. While I've never actually kept track of the numbers, I'd say I've contacted and tried to meet somewhere between 80-100 girls via various dating sites, and among them, only a tiny fraction ever responded to my messages (I consider a lack of response as a "rejection"), and among that minority, none were ever interested enough to meet up with me. So, I just keep wondering what the heck I'm supposed to do. I'm sick of not being able to find anyone that's "mentally stimulating" to me, and I'm sick of finding someone that DOES stimulate me mentally, only for them to date guys that are much more "physically stimulating" than I'll ever be. It's frustrating, and I just don't really understand. I think OLD is very frustrating, it's hard to connect with a wall pf text and a photo. What do you do to make yourself more attractive to the opposite sex, out of interest? Why are those guys more physically stimulating? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 I think OLD is very frustrating, it's hard to connect with a wall pf text and a photo. I'm really not a fan of it, personally, but despite years of "practice", I'm apparently still not good at meeting and connecting with people face-to-face, so online dating seems to be a better "outlet" for someone that's more introverted like myself. What do you do to make yourself more attractive to the opposite sex, out of interest? Why are those guys more physically stimulating? I dunno, I just try to be me. I don't have good looks; I'm unusually short, I have a goofy-looking face, and a pretty average build (with no real interest in becoming more "athletic" and/ or working out). The guys I "lose" to tend to just be all-around better looking. Hence why I try to rely on my personality and sense of humor to make myself more attractive, but from my experience, it hasn't work out so well for me yet... Link to post Share on other sites
Socks At Play Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 And if that doesn't happen at all? I think you need to look into the eyes of more women because I'm not convinced that it's not happening at all. Hence why I try to rely on my personality and sense of humor to make myself more attractive, but from my experience, it hasn't work out so well for me yet... The difficulty I've had with this approach is that I think it typically takes a long amount of time to make an impression on a woman in this way. I've experienced success here (at previous jobs with coworkers... ugh), but at this point in my life there aren't many women acquaintances I'm around regularly enough for it to work. And when it does "work," it's still unlikely to venture beyond friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 I think you need to look into the eyes of more women because I'm not convinced that it's not happening at all. Pretty sure it's not. *shrug* The difficulty I've had with this approach is that I think it typically takes a long amount of time to make an impression on a woman in this way. I've experienced success here (at previous jobs with coworkers... ugh), but at this point in my life there aren't many women acquaintances I'm around regularly enough for it to work. And when it does "work," it's still unlikely to venture beyond friendship. Well again, when you don't have "good looks", what other way can you attract a girl? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 I dunno, I just try to be me. I don't have good looks; I'm unusually short, I have a goofy-looking face, and a pretty average build (with no real interest in becoming more "athletic" and/ or working out). The guys I "lose" to tend to just be all-around better looking. Hence why I try to rely on my personality and sense of humor to make myself more attractive, but from my experience, it hasn't work out so well for me yet... I think you would probably do yourself a huge favour if you changed your mind about the bolded. Especially if the kind of girls you are likely to find attractive are the slimmer variety. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 Eh, well, it's not like I'm very fat, overweight, and clearly out of shape. Like I said, I just have a fairly average build. Most probably couldn't even tell unless they were to see me without a shirt, which I never do around another person. As for girls, them being "slim" isn't a huge concern to me. I don't really care about that. If I got along well with a girl, I wouldn't care if she were overweight or very slim. Doesn't make much of a difference to me. Besides, I've seen a shocking number of "odd pairings" in this regard, meaning guys who are pretty husky with a girl that's in pretty good shape. If it can work for them, why not me, too? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 Eh, well, it's not like I'm very fat, overweight, and clearly out of shape. Like I said, I just have a fairly average build. Most probably couldn't even tell unless they were to see me without a shirt, which I never do around another person. But you will do it around a woman and as you get older your body fat % is likely increase. You would be surprised how much girls appreciate a nice physique. There is a reason why gyms are full of shorter guys. As for girls, them being "slim" isn't a huge concern to me. I don't really care about that. If I got along well with a girl, I wouldn't care if she were overweight or very slim. Doesn't make much of a difference to me. Besides, I've seen a shocking number of "odd pairings" in this regard, meaning guys who are pretty husky with a girl that's in pretty good shape. If it can work for them, why not me, too? Ok. In my view there is competition out there - as you experienced it yourself - and I think it's good to have several strings to your bow when it comes to that, but depends on what you are comfortable with I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
Disillusioned Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 It's not possible to mentally stimulate people who have rocks in their heads. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 What's that supposed to mean...? Link to post Share on other sites
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