How to be content with myself

[amkxoxo]

This is pretty much...how to not be needy. If you read my other threads I have been through the ringer with a guy. I am trying to better myself and I question if I was too needy and it drove him away a bit?? I really don't know though. How do I become content with myself? How should I still stay friends with him? How can I not get so attached that I emotionally need him? How to be content and happy with myself by myself?? How to gain back my self esteem on my own? How to show him I don't need him??

[Patimatsu]

So i will start by saying i promise to read your other thre, but i consciously haven't done so prior to this reply ad i didn't want to have the history clouding my advice.

 

I know from personal experience that neediness with a boyfriend generally isn't about the boyfriend unless he is a genuine not nice guy and isn't tuning into your needs on purpose, in which case i would recommend an avoidance of that kind of character.

 

What you need to be thinking about is where your neediness stems from. Is it an insecurity about something for example, and is it a behaviour you have learned subconsciously from experiences you have had ? If so, or at least something along those lines, my experience has told me that the only way to overcome that is to take a long hard look at yourself, which i have been doing myself, and think about why your neediness creeps into your personal relationships.

 

I have found, again through experience, that if my security is threatened, i act out in needy ways to affirm the fear is either valid or invalid. The trouble is that when you can't consciously rationalise the vaid from the invalid, it is then that one brings their fears into their relationships. When a relationship that is otherwise healthy, and by that i mean there are genuinely no signs that the fear is valid (for example, thinking things like he doesn't love me, but everything he does or says should tell you differently), then destructive behaviours start to take hold.

 

To break out of that vicious cycle takes a lot of strength and perseverence. It also involves doing things withinyourself to take comfort from yourself and not from the other person, all the time. In a healthy relationship i would say its nornal to talk about valid fears and maybe the odd irrational fears, but when the unvalid fears start to become more the norm, its about recognising this yourself, not vocalising it to the point that your partner becomes tired of the cycle and the volume, and finding ways to almost soothe yourself.

 

Its hard, trust me... and sometimes it ends in tears, but being able to self assure yourself is the best weapon in the armoury to help stop you being needy.

 

Don't play mind games with him, makes it worse, don't obsess and constantly look for reassurance, you will be disappointed - guaranteed... maybe not at first, but whem the neediness becnes more frequent, it will.. and find outlets for you that will either distract you and occupy your mind with things that you can 'fall back on' emotionally and make you realise that you have a lot to offer yourself and you are not solely dependent on someone else to keep you afloat.

 

I hope that helps in some way

 

My outlets include writing things like this... what are your things..

[amkxoxo]

Thank you. This was very insightful. I started dating this guy and I was very confident and secure in myself. As time went on I became more and more unstable. I was always unsure if he liked me because yes we would kiss and be cute and he would call me pretty. But then sometimes it seemed like he could careless if he saw me. I was always making plans to see him and he would comply but it was always like 70%. It made me an emotional roller coaster. He never seemed to know what he wanted. He has health problem s and depression that would seep into his life. Some days we would have fun times and be all lovey and perfect. Then other days he would seem more withdrawn and not into it that much. I fell for him hard and dedicated my life to him. I was planning my schedule around him and it started causing problems with my friends. All my attentions and efforts were to be with him. We argued a few times because he would go off to parties on the weekend And never invite me. It made me think he didn't like me but them he would apologize or explain himself and I would go back to loving him. He really is a nice sweet guy. And perfectt for me. He made it clear that he had just gotten out of a relationship and was hesitant to jump into one with me. We have gone long distance and have broken things off. He says he is in a bad place in his life and wants to get his life together because I deserve more that he cannot give me. Though he really likes me and wants to be together in the future. You can read my threads for more detail.

 

I feel so down on myself. I became needy and not myself. All I could care about was him and now that we are not together I feel so low and depressed. I miss him so so much and I have such low self esteem. I feel like I can't be happy without him and it shouldn't be like that. My parents are concerned about my depressed attitude. And. Like nothing makes me happy anymore unless its spectacular. I never want to be like that again where I do everything to get him to like me. It shoukdbt have been that hard and I want to be strong again. I'm afraid it could happen again. And I want to prevent myself from stooping low like that into desperation. I let myself be vunerble and get attached to his man and my heart is broken over it. I need to rebuild my confidence and my self worth.

[Patimatsu]

The thing i have learned is that until i acknowledged, and this is strictly about me, that my insecurities which were developed in my early childhood, were the root of the problem and that all my actions in relationships that were destructive were rooted in those, i wasn't capable of breaking the cycle.

 

If it started out with a few needy outbursts, he tolerated it and was even compassionate about it, but it kept going on, then it is you who needs to think why this is. If its gone as far as you guys have broken up, until you can demonstrate to yourself and nobody else that you are comfortable in your own skin and truly self sufficient emotionally, you will have a hard time being happy and will most likely find you are investing your whole emotional well being in the hopes that someone else will do this for you.

 

Your family loves you and are worried about you. Talk to them and explore your this with them, you will feel better. What do you like to do on your own? What are your interests ? Or do you feel like you have no interests except to focus on trying to get back together with this guy. I know that feeling... its like mourning someone who has suddenly died and vacated your life, except its worse because they are still out there somewhere.

 

I know it is hard. I know it hurts. But trust me when i tell you that when you can start to soothe yourself and seeyour own self worth, realising that you depended on someone else for your happiness will help you stop getting into that cycle again.

 

Focus your mind on breaking this cycle... think to yourself that every day you are going to do something positive for you only. Get your hair done. Grab a coffee and talk to a stranger. Smile at people and find thry will smile back at you. This is not about him and his actions that are clearly hurting you, its about you and the things you should do for yourself to love yourself.

 

I just reread that and it sounds a bit bossy, but if you aren't that way with yourself, you will struggle to break the cycle. At least, that's what i found worked for me. Eventually the pain of the breakup subsided. I wss no linger afraid of being with only myself and then i felt peace.

 

So, what do you feel like doing today that focuses on you and only you ?

[amkxoxo]

Thank you I appreciate it. Your very nice because some of the people on this site are harsh and judgemental of my situation. I do enjoy doing lots of things and have been doing them to try and cope but that ache is still there not matter what. I feel like its never going to go away. I am a lot better than I used to be. No more tears. But some days are better than other. Sometimes I sit and work myself up to being upset over it. My friend have noticed my depressed vube because I literally can't be happy for then because I'm not happy for myself.

 

The things with our relationship was that. I met him at school and he had just gotten really hurt out of a relationship. I think it makes him afraid to jump in with someone else. Well we dated and went steady for the school semester and then summer hit and we had to go long distance. We said we would see how it went....no relationship. Well his life didn't go we'll and he has so much stuff to deal with in his life. He told me that he could be a great boyfriend but he isn't in the shape to do that right now. He wants to get his life figure out. He listed off all these wonderful things he would do as a boyfriend and says that's what I deserve but he cannot give that to me right now because he isn't ready for it and can't provide it the way his life is. He says he thinks if he gets his stuff together it would work in the future and he could be a great boyfriend then. That's the killer for me....future hope keeps me hanging on???

[Patimatsu]

The ache will go away, i promise you that.. bit if you don't break the cycle of feeling worthless, which intruly believe is rooted on self esteem, you will only go from ache to ache and nobody should let thidnhappen to them.

 

I am 38 now.. i have gone from ache to ache, and i know how destructive things can be. Resolving things with dad and accepting things as being things that happened in my childhood as just things that happened in my childhood and had norhing to do with the way i actually am or how people see me or feel about me has helped me tremendously. I am in no way cured but i am on that road.

 

So you, and trust me on this, need to accept the things you cannot change (him and his unavailability to you right now), have the courage to chang the things you can.. and reflect on developing the wisdom to know the difference between the two.

 

Its a rough road and who knows, maybe he will be standing st the end of it but i honestly think he has issues of his own to sort out. Its like on an airplane whe they give you instructions for the oxygen mask. Put yours on first and then worry about everyone else after that. Put yourself first.. heal yourself and gather strength and i guarantee that before you realise it yourself you will feel a whole lot better :-)

[amkxoxo]

Thank you again so so much for your words of wisdom.. I'm actually doing a lot better and am starting to get more of me back. I was so depressed with my own life and situation that I was pushing my friends and family away. They were all moving on where I was stuck in this one place of pain. I am getting g stronger by the day. We had a small gathering the other day and my best friend said that I seemed more me. I actually am looking more forward to things. I have been stress eating a good amount so I want to get back on track with that.

 

Its not that I don't think of him because I definitely do. Its been like 12 days since we last talked and I haven't made it a point to contact him since I think he needs space to figure his life out. I'm worried though because he has health problems that land him in the hospital a lot and he has been missing from social media for almost a week, which most likely means he's sick. He could just be busy but I am slightly concerned and thought of sending a casual text, because I would do that even as a friend if I was worried. At this time I'm resisting contact. I feel bad because he gets will get sad when people don't contact him or notice he's missing, and I don't want him to think I don't care.

 

I've come to many realizations about me and my personality. I'm not a weak person and wasn't before I met him. I don't want to fully blame it all on him but it kinda is. Metaphorically Its like someone kisses you Monday, talks to you Tuesday, ignores you Wednesday and Thursday, and decides to kiss you Friday again. That's what our whole relationship was. That Wednesday and Thursday were the worst days of my life and it would happen all the time. It wore on my emotions and self esteem because he liked me but didn't know what he wanted. Its not his fault and I hope since I have deciphered and learned from this that I will not let myself get this bad again. This created the crazy needy girl i didnt know i could be, and i totally became. Yes I hope that someday we will be together again. I really do care for him and think we do go very well together. To be honest think he knows we do too, he's even said it to me in those exact words. We go well together do maybe someday. But at this point I'm getting stronger and more confident so I'm open to other people trying to sweep me off my feet too. Gotta just go where life takes me. Hopefully it will eventually lead me back to him.