Question regarding xMM's son

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Okay, most of you probably know my story, but it's been 3 1/2 years since the last and final dday. NC a little over 3 years. When xMM"s family and my family hung out together (we were socially very close - church, vacations, etc.), their oldest son absolutely loved me (and I did love him very much). He was 4 at the time. He is now 8 (I think). Their youngest son was a baby when everything blew up. Two things have happened that seem very weird to me.

 

First, about 2 years after - their youngest (who would have been way too young to remember my family at all) was with their oldest and saw my daughter on beggar's night. The youngest said hi to my daughter and called her by name. My daughter thought it was very weird because there should be no way this child should remember or know her.

 

Then, just this past weekend, a friend of mine told me she had been talking with his BS's mother. My friend (who really tries to be a friend to everyone) asked how everyone was doing (xmm, bs & the kids) and she said they are doing okay but it's still hard and then she told my friend that their oldest child prays for me every night. This I found very weird and almost disturbing. In a way, it's very sweet and probably innocent on his part, but I don't understand how a child that hasn't seen me for 4 years almost still knows me (especially judging his age when he last saw me) and still prays for me??

 

How is it my name is still a part of their every day life? Can anyone help me understand this? Our family RARELY speaks of their family and all of my kids know what happened because they were old enough to know. His were not.

 

Please, I really am trying to understand this - it makes no sense to me.

Edited July 9, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[sweet_pea]

It will probably never make sense to you. You really shouldn't even care, at this point, and instead, should focus on yourself and you and your family's healing/life.

Edited July 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[awkward]

My friend (who really tries to be a friend to everyone) asked how everyone was doing (xmm, bs & the kids) and she said they are doing okay but it's still hard and then she told my friend that their oldest child prays for me every night.

 

I doubt the BS's mother would think she is a good friend.

 

It does seem weird that their child would include you in his prayers. Maybe he still remembers you.

[Spark1111]

It is very possible he overheard an adult conversation at DDAY and was given a simple explanation with the admonishment to pray for you.

 

or he begged to know why the families no longer vacation together.

 

Some explanation had to be given, and it once again sounds like you were painted the black sheep in need of prayer.

 

My children certainly know the name of the OW in my triangle and her son's too.

 

She is not and never has been a household name, but the truth was told and they retained it.

 

Goes to further show how affairs affect everyone, especially children.

 

Chances are that little boy misses you, your children and the friendship both your families shared.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

It is very possible he overheard an adult conversation at DDAY and was given a simple explanation with the admonishment to pray for you.

 

or he begged to know why the families no longer vacation together.

 

Some explanation had to be given, and it once again sounds like you were painted the black sheep in need of prayer.

 

My children certainly know the name of the OW in my triangle and her son's too.

 

She is not and never has been a household name, but the truth was told and they retained it.

 

Goes to further show how affairs affect everyone, especially children.

 

Chances are that little boy misses you, your children and the friendship both your families shared.

 

Thanks spark. You are correct - no one goes unaffected - it just seemed very odd to me, that's all. It seems after a period of time (as young as he was) i would have completely faded away and I can tell you with almost 100 percent certainty their children do not know that I was their fathers AP, that's why it seems even odder. But I did love him ask i love my own children and my nieces and nephews so I suppose it is possible he still misses me - I would have just thought I would have been completely forgotten by him.

[SammySammy]

I'm not sure what is weird about any of this. Apparently you had an affair with this woman's husband. Surely there is going to be some fallout. She's still with him, so I'm sure there were some ... discussions ... that the kids may have overhead. And, believe it or not, this affects the children too. You said your kids know what happened, what is weird about their kids knowing what happened? Maybe they had to help the kids cope. Maybe their faith is part of the way they cope.

 

What is weird about dealing with the aftermath of an affair?

 

Who are you to tell them how they should do it?

 

Sometimes it may be best to let people deal with the issues in their family in their own way.

Edited July 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Spark1111]

But apparently they had to be told SOMETHING when they overheard or questioned, KWIM?

 

Four is certainly old enough to understand something is amiss and question why we don't see or vacation with these people anymore?

 

And whatever he was told, he WAS told he needed to pray for you, or all of you as in your family.

 

He felt an acute loss of the familial relationships. You all made a vivid memory and impression upon him and then it had to be severed. He has told his younger brother about it.

 

he grieves. How sad.

[whichwayisup]

It is weird, but I wouldn't spend too much time thinking about this. If it is true that this child is still thinking about you, and praying for you, then it's up to exMM and his wife to speak to him and get him through this so he won't think of you so often. I do wonder how exaggerated this all is though..

 

Anyway, focus on you and your own family, not exMM and his family.

Edited July 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[happy stillmore]

I do think it is odd for the son to be praying for you. I wonder if your "friend" twisted things and said that you as a "dig". Like you are in need of prayers because you are a lost soul. I can be quite the sceptic.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

It is weird, but I wouldn't spend too much time thinking about this. If it is true that this child is still thinking about you, and praying for you, then it's up to exMM and his wife to speak to him and get him through this so he won't think of you so often. I do wonder how exaggerated this all is though..

 

Anyway, focus on you and your own family, not exMM and his family.

 

I don't think it's exaggerated only because I know that I was apart of his bedtime prayers prior to dday. But that was a different time - he was younger and he saw me regularly - but after this much time it just seems I wouldn't even be thought of.

 

It just was a very odd piece of information for me to receive. It was sad to hear actually.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I do think it is odd for the son to be praying for you. I wonder if your "friend" twisted things and said that you as a "dig". Like you are in need of prayers because you are a lost soul. I can be quite the sceptic.

 

No I don't think so - she isn't like that.

[happy stillmore]

I was just throwing it out there. Maybe the family means good will towards you.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I was just throwing it out there. Maybe the family means good will towards you.

 

You wouldn't think do by they way we are treated by them (like we have the plague) - lol - but I guess it's possible.

[LivingWaterPlease]

When little kids begin to use a particular phrase in a prayer they'll often continue it until it becomes a habit. Older folks do that same thing. He might have just started doing it at the age of 4 because he missed you/had good will toward you, and then it became a prayer habit.

 

I can understand your sensitivity about this and don't consider it arrogant at all.

[canuckprincess]

Okay, most of you probably know my story, but it's been 3 1/2 years since the last and final dday. NC a little over 3 years. When xMM"s family and my family hung out together (we were socially very close - church, vacations, etc.), their oldest son absolutely loved me (and I did love him very much). He was 4 at the time. He is now 8 (I think). Their youngest son was a baby when everything blew up. Two things have happened that seem very weird to me.

 

First, about 2 years after - their youngest (who would have been way too young to remember my family at all) was with their oldest and saw my daughter on beggar's night. The youngest said hi to my daughter and called her by name. My daughter thought it was very weird because there should be no way this child should remember or know her.

 

Then, just this past weekend, a friend of mine told me she had been talking with his BS's mother. My friend (who really tries to be a friend to everyone) asked how everyone was doing (xmm, bs & the kids) and she said they are doing okay but it's still hard and then she told my friend that their oldest child prays for me every night. This I found very weird and almost disturbing. In a way, it's very sweet and probably innocent on his part, but I don't understand how a child that hasn't seen me for 4 years almost still knows me (especially judging his age when he last saw me) and still prays for me??

 

How is it my name is still a part of their every day life? Can anyone help me understand this? Our family RARELY speaks of their family and all of my kids know what happened because they were old enough to know. His were not.

 

Please, I really am trying to understand this - it makes no sense to me.

 

It may be possible that there are pictures of your time with their family and this is how you have stayed fresh in the childs mind. I know my mm's bs won't even call me by my first name, she has lot's of other pet names for me lol.

[LilGirlandOW]

I find it rather sweet, sounds like he misses you and has been praying for you the whole time. I hope you do the same for him Sounds like a great kid!

[Praying4Peace]

LilMiss- in this particular case (calm down everyone!!) their marriage still SUCKS. I remember your whole story. His BW is insecure, hell I would be too! After all those I Love You's and your history in high school as well as his image of you back then and your image in the community pre-A and now, even post-A (his parents can bitch all they want up and down the aisles of church, but you were treated unfairly and he skulked away with his W and everyone supports you in their hearts...they even got rid of that Pastor).

 

It must be very difficult for his BW to live knowing what happened between you two. Things aren't good. I'm not surprised.

 

I was very close with xMM's daughter who was 7-8. She was always very sweet to me despite her mother's warnings to stay away. Hold my hand, sit by me...we were close before the A too and the kids were friends. I still love her a lot! I know they have heard a lot from their parents fighting bc BW does NOT try and keep it 'quiet' in front of the kids, but that is her choice.

 

The prayers- he probably asked them why you guys don't interact anymore and they probably said if you care about someone then you can just pray for them, you don't have to see them.

 

I have NO CLUE how a baby that young would know your name. Okay, maybe by hearing it a lot but how would he identify your daughter unless they were talking about it with a slideshow? He must be a genius.

 

I don't find this weird at all, for the record. This is how things happen in real life. The board can be full of generalizations and presumptions and assumptions and denials but an A like yours doesn't just fade away into nothing. Sounds like they rugswept and you had to deal with everything with your H full steam ahead so they are stuck in the past and probably will be for a long time.

 

ETA: The parent's weird hostile behavior and gossiping further proves that things haven't simmered down. Ignoring is fine but the gossiping shows that the issues are still AT THE SURFACE. I'm sure their daughter has a lot to say to them.

Edited July 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lilmisscantbewrong]

It may be possible that there are pictures of your time with their family and this is how you have stayed fresh in the childs mind. I know my mm's bs won't even call me by my first name, she has lot's of other pet names for me lol.

 

I guess it's possible there are pictures, but unlikely. The associate pastor went around taking all pictures of us when it all blew up. This associate pastor said "hes dead to you". I would imagine that all are destroyed. We have absolutely no pictures of their family lying around - all have been destroyed - even laptops deleted. So it would seem odd to me that they would have them.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

LilMiss- in this particular case (calm down everyone!!) their marriage still SUCKS. I remember your whole story. His BW is insecure, hell I would be too! After all those I Love You's and your history in high school as well as his image of you back then and your image in the community pre-A and now, even post-A (his parents can bitch all they want up and down the aisles of church, but you were treated unfairly and he skulked away with his W and everyone supports you in their hearts...they even got rid of that Pastor).

 

It must be very difficult for his BW to live knowing what happened between you two. Things aren't good. I'm not surprised.

 

I was very close with xMM's daughter who was 7-8. She was always very sweet to me despite her mother's warnings to stay away. Hold my hand, sit by me...we were close before the A too and the kids were friends. I still love her a lot! I know they have heard a lot from their parents fighting bc BW does NOT try and keep it 'quiet' in front of the kids, but that is her choice.

 

The prayers- he probably asked them why you guys don't interact anymore and they probably said if you care about someone then you can just pray for them, you don't have to see them.

 

I have NO CLUE how a baby that young would know your name. Okay, maybe by hearing it a lot but how would he identify your daughter unless they were talking about it with a slideshow? He must be a genius.

 

I don't find this weird at all, for the record. This is how things happen in real life. The board can be full of generalizations and presumptions and assumptions and denials but an A like yours doesn't just fade away into nothing. Sounds like they rugswept and you had to deal with everything with your H full steam ahead so they are stuck in the past and probably will be for a long time.

 

ETA: The parent's weird hostile behavior and gossiping further proves that things haven't simmered down. Ignoring is fine but the gossiping shows that the issues are still AT THE SURFACE. I'm sure their daughter has a lot to say to them.

 

This is exactly what I believe is going on - thanks for saying it - I just thought I would bounce it off my LS friends. Thanks p4p.

[sweet_pea]

This is exactly what I believe is going on - thanks for saying it - I just thought I would bounce it off my LS friends. Thanks p4p.

 

Why do you think that this is the case and not one of the other probable situations presented in this thread? Their marriage may not suck. The little boy could have just been told (by anyone, mind you) to pray for you (which isn't the best compliment where I'm from).

[underwater2010]

Why do you think that this is the case and not one of the other probable situations presented in this thread? Their marriage may not suck. The little boy could have just been told (by anyone, mind you) to pray for you (which isn't the best compliment where I'm from).

Sweet pea has a point....just because he is praying for you does not necessarily make it a compliment. He could have been told the truth as to why you are no longer a friend of the family and told that we pray she find peace for what she has done. Or it can be just as you imagine that he is praying that you all are friends again, but I have reservations as to why this would be the case.

 

As for the little one. Your name is probably brought up. Hell you helped blow a huge hole in this family. You, yourself have stated all the changes that came about due to the affair. Kids pick up on it, just as well their little ears hear everything.

 

I think you need to let go of it all and quit talking with people about the state of their marriage or their kids. It is no longer any of your business. You have enough on your plate with the APs parents ignoring you.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Thanks for your responses. Sweet pea and underwater - as bs's would this be a problem in your household if the Ow's name was brought up daily?

 

This is not meant to be snarky at all

 

The reason why I ask is that my husbands Ow's name comes up from time to time usually by my husband s parents and because they don't know about my husbands affair I seethe in silence and it is a constant reminder.

[sweet_pea]

Do you think it is his grandparents who are telling him to pray for you? And that they are the ones who talk about you? You did say your friend talked to the BS' mama and it could be that the kids hang out with the grandparents often, etc.

[underwater2010]

Thanks for your responses. Sweet pea and underwater - as bs's would this be a problem in your household if the Ow's name was brought up daily?

 

No because I make sure not to bring up the affair in front of my kids. I feel they do not need to know and it would harm the relationship they have with their dad. But your case is different...where the kids present when you name was read in front of the church? Also, it depends on how the parents answered the kid's questions. It is easier to lay the blame where it belongs so the BW does bare the brunt of the anger over losing a family friend. Because I said so does not make a kid happy and creates anger toward the person using the phrase.

 

This is not meant to be snarky at all

 

Not taken that way.

 

The reason why I ask is that my husbands Ow's name comes up from time to time usually by my husband s parents and because they don't know about my husbands affair I seethe in silence and it is a constant reminder.

 

So in your case your marriage is one of mad hatters. That clears up an awful lot. Yet your inlaws know all about your affair right? I think it is time to come clean on everything.

 

Maybe next time your husband's OW's name comes up you can say "Hey you know it really bothers me to hear that name, after all I was crucified for my affair yet she walks around innocent after screwing my husband." or something to that effect. I am sure it would shut them up real fast.

 

Also....I am sorry to ask but who's affair came first? Why would you allow him to hide from his mistake while yours was plastered all over town? And does his OW come back under the cover of night?

[The Way I Am]

Why are you so interested in what's going on in xMM's family. I see that it's been 3+ years since the affair and supposedly you and your husband stuck around, worked things out, and moved on. But your level of interest in what's going on with xMM's family reads just like the posters who've just had dday and are grasping at any straw that suggests MM is unhappy and will leave the W.

 

"xMM's parents ignore me. Do you guys think that means xMM's R is still bad? xMM's parents say his oldest son prays for me and his youngest knows my daughters name. Do you think that means they still talk about me and their marriage is still bad?"

 

Pardon my language, but it seems like you need a bit of shaking. Why the F*CK do you still give a sh*t what's happening in his family?!?!? Move on already.