I don't know what the next step is

[Guinevere04]

My DH moved out three weeks ago. We have been together for about 7 1/2 years, married for 6. We have a 2 yo and he has a 10 yo from a previous marriage. His ex-wife is probably 85% of our problem. Her main goal in life is to torment others and I am ashamed to say that I am one that she has conquered. Maybe it is my weakness, but I can't deal with her anymore. My DH has never been man enough to stand up to her and we have had more trouble in our life b/c of her than I could ever list here. She keeps us in court, we lost our home because of her, I just can't even begin to start. Anyway, with everything that has happened, I have lost a huge amount of respect for him and faith in his words. He is not the knight in shining armour that I thought I married. I am the one that has to deal with any trouble that comes our way, yet all he ever seems to do is find fault in me, my mothering abilities and my wife-skills. I am tired and I just want to be alone. He has whittled away any love that I have had left for him and have emotionally seperated myself from him over a year ago. He went on a kayaking trip about 2 months ago and while he was gone, my son and I had the most peaceful weekend of our lives. When he came back, I told him how I felt and that I don't love him anymore. I did not miss him for one minute. He stayed about 2 weeks and we continued to argue CONSTANTLY. We have been in marriage counseling for 10 months. It has helped me to see how bad things are, rather than to change things. He swears that he will change and will be a better husband and father if I give him another try. All I know is that I am completely fine on my own, not having to deal with his ex-wife or him and I am used to being the one taking care of our son's needs because I always have. He has hope, I do not. I don't want to hurt him, but I do not love him anymore. I have gone through so many stages in the last year: not thinking I could live without him, not wanting to share our son on weekends, not wanting to lose the house, knowing that no materials things matter, knowing that I need to share our son, being alone is better than being screamed at, I can survive alone, I want to be alone, etc. I know that he will go through his own stages, but he won't listen will I tell him that I am fine on my own. I have all but told him I want a divorce. He believes that we are seperated right now so I can decide what I want, but I just wanted him out. I don't know what to do exactly from here. I do not want to break his heart but I also do not want to be his wife. The thought of not having to deal with his ex is like holding a pork chop in front of a starving dog. Too tempting to go back. He says that he will handle her from now on but that is impossible, she ruins every holiday and every weekend we have his daughter, she is unbelievable. She talks about us like dogs and then the little girls says all kinds of things to us, I just can't take it anymore after trying so hard all these years. I am in survival mode right now and what matters to me is my son and myself. I can be a better mother if I am not around that environment anymore, I just know it.

[sweets21]

Wow!!

I wish i could be as strong as you are! I still can't make up my mind on what i want to do with my husband. But you are very strong willed.

 

My mom went through a similar situation. She had been married previously to my dad and then remarried to my current stepdad. His Ex wife was a witch!

She did everything she could to make my mom' s life miserable. And it really worked. Eventually the lady must have gotten tired of it though because she dropped my step sister off at our house one day and gave up her rights as a mom. We never saw her again.

 

But that didn't change the fact that my mom & stepdad had problems. My mom to this day still "leaves him" every other weekend. And of course they always end up back together.

 

If you honestly in your heart feel better living on your own, then tell him. He deserves to know all that you poured out over the web.

Write him a letter if you need to. But be strong. Encourgage him to seek counseling of his own. There are a lot of strong single mom's out there.

And who know's what is waiting out there for you!!

 

Best Wishes!!!

[Devildog]

Yikes! I can see how frustrated with the whole situation you are. And I think you have every right to feel that way. It doesn't sound like you would have any problems being on your own.

 

Your husband has a lot of issues he needs to get control of. He needs to do somethig about his EX. I think most states have laws and guidlines about how to talk about your EX in front of the kids. This is a wild guess, but I am assuming your husband left his Ex. He probably feels guilty over hurting her and she is probably hurt and resentful for him leaving if that is the case. They both need to grow up and get over it.

 

Your mind sounds made up, but I am going through a separation myself. I too fought against it with almost everything I had. Everything except rational thought. I have been given the opportunity to step back and look at the bigger picture and see alot of things I have done wrong. I also have a better understanding of why I feel and act as I do at times. This helps me to improve on these issues. Do you think if your husband realized this and discovered what his problems are in this relationship and actually did make an effort to make himself better you would feel differently? If not then you should move on.

[Guinevere04]

Devildog -

 

She actually left him, when their child was 2 - the same age as ours. But she packed up everything and left, even took the light bulbs out of the sockets. They have hated each other since. We will not be like that!

 

I want us to try and be friends because of our child and I don't want to hurt him. I just feel like I finally need to look after myself after all these years of being beaten down by his ex and after all the things our marriage has been through. He has lost his job twice, once while I was pregnant. They were both because of things that he accidentally did and he got his job back, but I felt like the burden was on me to take care of things, not him. There are tons of similar things where it all lies in my lap and I feel like he should carry some of the load, mostly because it's coming from his daughter and his ex-wife. I knew he had that past when I married him, but I had no idea it would be a daily thing/heartache to this extent. Add him not ever helping me do anything with our son or wanting to go anywhere with us and I may as well be alone.

 

He begs me to try and give him a chance but I feel like I have made it this far and if I give him another chance, things will just get back like they always have been with our arguing and there is nothing he can ever do about her. Plus, more than anything, if you don't respect someone, how can you be attracted to them? I haven't felt sexually attracted to him in the longest time. He has lost 30 lbs since we met and weighs probably 140lbs. now. I feel like I would hurt him if I hug him. But I would never tell him that because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

 

I am just not interested in continuing and I can't make that clear enough to him. He keeps begging me to try and not give up. He also told me that I was being selfish. I don't think that everything that I have been through and all the times that I have been to court with him and being willing to spend as much of our money as we have trying to get custody of his child because of her living arrangements with her mom, is being selfish. I have spent way more time and energy with her than he has even thought of without any appreciation from him, from her and especially from her mother. And I don't have to do it anymore. I know that I have made some mistakes along the way too but mostly, I don't think he could have found a more supportive or caring person in the world. Now I am just tired and worn out and ready to look out for myself and my child.

 

Maybe I will write him a letter like suggested.

[Devildog]

Your husband sounds alot like I did when my current situation started, minus the ex thing. Saying he is going to change and actually striving to make the changes are two different things. Everyone says they will change when they get in these situations, but once the other person decides to give them another try they usually stop changing. Point him to my thread if you think it might help him wake up and realize what is truly required if he wants to truly make things right.