Girlfriend is pregnant.

[Lisa_Lisa]

First off a little background info. Me and my girlfriend have 4 months together. We've known each other 7 mos. She has two kids. I am 23 and she's 25. Found out early June that she was pregnant. Here's the problem. Our relationship has not been good. We've broken up a few times and gotten back together because we care about each other. She's very insecure, jealous, and even selfish at times. I tell her to consider abortion but she is not hearing it. She has a hard time raising her two kids who by the way have a very manipulative father. He's a psycho who still refuses to acknowledge that she's not his wife anymore even though they've been separated for almost two years.She works at a fast food restaurant making a bit over minimum wage. I do not have a stable job (working on and off). She has a number of health problems (anemia, low blood pressure and a weak cervix so her pregnancy a doctor told her is risky). What gives? I mean I see her break down a few months back because she feels exhausted with all her responsibilities so why does she refuse to see this pregnancy from my perspective? I know she would have a hard time dealing with a third child. Her two kids are 4 and 6. I honestly do not see myself with this girl long term because we are always clashing and fighting. She thinks that I don't care about the child because I'm suggesting abortion but it's not that I don't care, I just feel like it's the best option. I tell her that if she wants to keep the baby I will support and I will do my best as a father but I know we're not going to be together and I fear that our kid will suffer because of it. For some reason I feel like she wants to move in together so I can help her out with her other kids but our relationship is far too young to take that step. Also it would be wrong on her part to assume I would do that because not too long ago she broke up with me because she felt I didn't like her kids. now all of a sudden I'm good enough to help her with them? Bottom line is I want to be there for her during the pregnancy since it is the right thing to do. I care about her but I know that things are not going to work out. and I'm not gonna be with her just because she has my kid. I don't know what to do. I tell her if she aborts we can continue as a couple, and try to strengthen our relationship and maybe a few yrs down the road we can talk about having a baby, but I just feel like now is not that time. What should I do? Please don't judge. serious answers only.

 

 

If she's still legally married to the father of her children, that's great! Because if she gives birth while married to him the law will recognize that child as his and he is legally bound to pay child support.

 

If you really really want her to abort, be a jerk and tell her good luck with the baby 'cause you ain't gonna be there. The baby will grow up without a father and will never know who you are (this is untrue, of course.....you know deep down you're going to be there financially and physically, but if you want this abortion to happen you have to pretend to have a heart of stone). She's going to break up with you anyway or some stupid shyte so let it be for this...then when you know she's done you can go back to her.

[Eve]

As a side note, Managers at McDonalds earn quite a lot of money.. I read an article about it somewhere where wages were compared. I had always thought it was a low earning role.. but apparently not. So the lady could work her way up and be ok financially.

 

OP, if this is your first child then you will be apprehensive anyway, kind of comes with the territory. The situation is not ideal but life rarely is, even if everything is ok financially. If she is going to keep the child you just have to follow through with the plan to be as supportive as possible.

 

Have a back up plan which hopefully will include family or close friends if she can't cope. Keep an eye on those signs.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[pink_sugar]

As a side note, Managers at McDonalds earn quite a lot of money.. I read an article about it somewhere where wages were compared. I had always thought it was a low earning role.. but apparently not. So the lady could work her way up and be ok financially.

 

Wow, I am surprised at this, because I used to work for the Starbucks corporation and my manager was working who jobs.

 

But anyways, OP, maybe you'll get lucky if she goes back to her husband and will not have to worry about these responsibilities if her husband claims the child as his own.

[Eve]

Wow, I am surprised at this, because I used to work for the Starbucks corporation and my manager was working who jobs.

 

But anyways, OP, maybe you'll get lucky if she goes back to her husband and will not have to worry about these responsibilities if her husband claims the child as his own.

 

So was I! I tried to find the article but couldn't. I will keep looking.

 

Basically the article looked at the wages of those who work in a range of jobs in a University setting, The Police and emergency services and Civil Service and fast food managers came out on top!

 

Even working as a Manager of a supermarket can bring in the cash. Apparently Aldi offer £47.000, which isn't bad money.

 

I had no idea.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[pink_sugar]

So was I! I tried to find the article but couldn't. I will keep looking.

 

Basically the article looked at the wages of those who work in a range of jobs in a University setting, The Police and emergency services and Civil Service and fast food managers came out on top!

 

Even working as a Manager of a supermarket can bring in the cash. Apparently Aldi offer £47.000, which isn't bad money.

 

I had no idea.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

Oops, that was supposed to be "two" jobs...lol. Yeah, grocery chain managers can make up to 100k+ with bonuses with either an associates or bachelors degree. Sometimes the company will even pay for the retail management schooling you need for this. Although if your store is not doing well sales wise, you could end up in tough water. I know a few of the managers at some of the chains I worked at who eventually were laid off.

 

Thinking back, I did know someone who said she was a McD's manager at some point. She was working with me at the time at a grocery store for minimum wage. Not sure how much she was paid when she worked there.

Edited July 14, 2013 by pink_sugar

[Eve]

Thinking back, I did know someone who said she was a McD's manager at some point. She was working with me at the time at a grocery store for minimum wage. Not sure how much she was paid when she worked there.

 

Maybe it's a cultural difference? Fast food restaurants tend to be franchises over here.

 

There seems to be a difference in costing for meals too from what I hear. So, maybe that is the difference which in turn affects wages?

 

Sorry if this is the case OP and it is actually a low paid role even within management. Hey, your girlfriend would know the score anyway I suppose. Ignore me. I couldn't find the article and it may not be a good comparison anyway.

 

I still wouldn't mind knowing what the wage is though, for informations sake.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Radu]

First off a little background info. Me and my girlfriend have 4 months together. We've known each other 7 mos. She has two kids. I am 23 and she's 25. Found out early June that she was pregnant. Here's the problem. Our relationship has not been good. We've broken up a few times and gotten back together because we care about each other. She's very insecure, jealous, and even selfish at times. I tell her to consider abortion but she is not hearing it. She has a hard time raising her two kids who by the way have a very manipulative father. He's a psycho who still refuses to acknowledge that she's not his wife anymore even though they've been separated for almost two years.She works at a fast food restaurant making a bit over minimum wage. I do not have a stable job (working on and off). She has a number of health problems (anemia, low blood pressure and a weak cervix so her pregnancy a doctor told her is risky). What gives? I mean I see her break down a few months back because she feels exhausted with all her responsibilities so why does she refuse to see this pregnancy from my perspective? I know she would have a hard time dealing with a third child. Her two kids are 4 and 6. I honestly do not see myself with this girl long term because we are always clashing and fighting. She thinks that I don't care about the child because I'm suggesting abortion but it's not that I don't care, I just feel like it's the best option. I tell her that if she wants to keep the baby I will support and I will do my best as a father but I know we're not going to be together and I fear that our kid will suffer because of it. For some reason I feel like she wants to move in together so I can help her out with her other kids but our relationship is far too young to take that step. Also it would be wrong on her part to assume I would do that because not too long ago she broke up with me because she felt I didn't like her kids. now all of a sudden I'm good enough to help her with them? Bottom line is I want to be there for her during the pregnancy since it is the right thing to do. I care about her but I know that things are not going to work out. and I'm not gonna be with her just because she has my kid. I don't know what to do. I tell her if she aborts we can continue as a couple, and try to strengthen our relationship and maybe a few yrs down the road we can talk about having a baby, but I just feel like now is not that time. What should I do? Please don't judge. serious answers only.

 

Her reasons might be :

- deeper bond with baby while it grows in the womb; this is something we men can't possibly fully relate to

- a desire to lock you in, through the use of the baby to get some help

- admitting failure by aborting

 

I think it's quite telling your description of her. 18yrs old and got knocked up, had 2nd baby with the same guy who is a as*hole.

You'd think saddled with 2 kids, with no help, with a relationship that is rocky at best she would be more carefull with BC.

This is why i suspect that she subconciously/conciously decided to get pregnant.

 

As for you, i would act fast and let her know that you can't stand by her, but you will stand by your child.

Get some legal help and know your rights.

Make sure that your future baby has a good influence in it's life through you, to counterbalance the horrible influence of it's mother.

And i would also stop using anything but condoms in sex, and stop looking for romance untill you 30 or so, you will need that time to fix your life and be a presence in your kid's life.

[pink_sugar]

Because men have abstinence, pulling out and condoms. Women have at least a dozen far more reliable methods.

 

Yes yes, aside from abstinence.

 

I agree, contraceptives for women are far more reliable than condoms due to breakage, leakage and etc. You also have crazy women out there whom will fish the condom out of the trash and do unspeakable things just to get pregnant. They also came out with a contraceptive pill for men, I believe. But you never just want to trust or assume someone is on birth control, in this case considering she already had two kids by 25 and pregnant again, it is unlikely she has been consistently using BC.

[Col1]

The pregnant woman in the original post is honorable in wanting to take responsibility. She doesn't want to impose on the OP. She is supporting her children through employment. She seems to take accountability for her actions. So many people aren't able to do that. Sounds like she is a great mother.

 

The OP knows that a child of his needs a father present in her/his life. There is time now for him to try couples counseling with the mother of his child. Work through differences that caused those break-ups. See if there is a chance to build a solid foundation for a long-term relationship. Even if only so they can be supportive parents for their child, if not able to be together as a couple.

 

Either way, the OP is going to be a father. This is an exciting and anxious time. Focus on being a great father. The OP's life will be changed forever in a positive way. Embrace this opportunity to raise a child. Best wishes to him and the mother.

Edited July 16, 2013 by Col1

[EHguy]

Hey guys sorry for not posting in a while. To update you all my girlfriend had a miscarriage this past Saturday early in the morning. I must say I am not surprised because her miscarriage symptoms were too strong to ignore. As time went on she would complain more and more about pain in her womb and numbness in her legs. Friday afternoon she called me crying that the pain is unbearable but she didn't want to go to the hospital because she feared they might tell her she's going to lose the baby. She tried going to sleep hoping she would stop feeling it but around 1 am Saturday she went to the emergency room after she had the miscarriage in the bathroom and was bleeding profusely. We had been going back and forth the past week about what to do. I told her whatever she decided I would respect. At times she gave signs that she wanted to keep it but at times it felt like she wanted to abort. Friday when she called me crying, she told me that she really wanted to keep it. For the first time I felt what she really wanted to do (keep the baby). I cried with her because I knew how much and how sure she was that she wanted to have the baby. Saturday she felt terrible and cried the whole morning. I had worked overnight so I didn't see her until about 9am. I was with her the whole day to offer emotional support and I also spent Sunday with her. She's in much better spirits now. I feel like things happen for a reason. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be, to bring a baby into this world under these circumstances.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Hey guys sorry for not posting in a while. To update you all my girlfriend had a miscarriage this past Saturday early in the morning. I must say I am not surprised because her miscarriage symptoms were too strong to ignore. As time went on she would complain more and more about pain in her womb and numbness in her legs. Friday afternoon she called me crying that the pain is unbearable but she didn't want to go to the hospital because she feared they might tell her she's going to lose the baby. She tried going to sleep hoping she would stop feeling it but around 1 am Saturday she went to the emergency room after she had the miscarriage in the bathroom and was bleeding profusely. We had been going back and forth the past week about what to do. I told her whatever she decided I would respect. At times she gave signs that she wanted to keep it but at times it felt like she wanted to abort. Friday when she called me crying, she told me that she really wanted to keep it. For the first time I felt what she really wanted to do (keep the baby). I cried with her because I knew how much and how sure she was that she wanted to have the baby. Saturday she felt terrible and cried the whole morning. I had worked overnight so I didn't see her until about 9am. I was with her the whole day to offer emotional support and I also spent Sunday with her. She's in much better spirits now. I feel like things happen for a reason. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be, to bring a baby into this world under these circumstances.

 

EHGuy, first of all, my condolences for the loss of your child. Even though you had conflicting emotions, I know that the loss can be horrible.

 

Second of all, please take this as a sign, a gift, whatever you wanna call it. Be very very diligent with birth control from now on. Ensure that you are never in this position again. You make sure that no matter what the woman says (she's on the pill or whatever) that you bring your own and use a condom every time.

 

Thanks for the update.

[EHguy]

EHGuy, first of all, my condolences for the loss of your child. Even though you had conflicting emotions, I know that the loss can be horrible.

 

Second of all, please take this as a sign, a gift, whatever you wanna call it. Be very very diligent with birth control from now on. Ensure that you are never in this position again. You make sure that no matter what the woman says (she's on the pill or whatever) that you bring your own and use a condom every time.

 

Thanks for the update.

 

Absolutely. thank you for your understanding. I will be more careful from now on. Me and my girlfriend made a mistake but it won't happen again. I'm honestly not thinking about sex anytime soon. I'm going to take it real slow with this girl as I should

[turnera]

Our relationship has not been good. We've broken up a few times and gotten back together because we care about each other. She's very insecure, jealous, and even selfish at times. She has a hard time raising her two kids

Now is the time to re-evaluate this relationship. In 4 months, you're already reduced to this?

 

Do BOTH of you a favor and back off. Date other people. Read some books about yourself and relationships (I recommend Getting The Love You Want) before getting serious with anyone. Just because you're in lust (those pesky PEA chemicals) doesn't make it a good match.

[EHguy]

Now is the time to re-evaluate this relationship. In 4 months, you're already reduced to this?

 

Do BOTH of you a favor and back off. Date other people. Read some books about yourself and relationships (I recommend Getting The Love You Want) before getting serious with anyone. Just because you're in lust (those pesky PEA chemicals) doesn't make it a good match.

 

I see what you're saying. I've honestly been thinking about that. Not about taking a break and seeing other people but ending it for good. After everything that we have been through in our relationship it's making me wonder if we're going to last. I'm not going to do it though. Not right now. Not when she's just had a miscarriage but in time I will.

[Col1]

My condolences to the OP and the gf. This is very sad.

 

I hope you mean Double Dutch and not wearing two condoms at the same time!

 

Yes, no doubling-up on condoms at the same time during intercourse. The friction against each other could cause both condoms to tear, making the protection less effective than one single condom.

[pink_sugar]

I agree, sorry to hear the news, but it sounds as if it was for the best. How far along was she? Based on your earlier comments, you didn't see having a future with her. I would slowly start to ease off and eventually end it when she is more stable emotionally.