Understanding MEN (boys)

[Sandra]

i have a question. i worked at this clothing store in the summer and

 

there was this guy there. who i really liked, and he was the really social type who spoke all

 

the time. but the weird thing was that at first he was kind of shy, just a bit, around

 

me which is really not like him. but then once we started talking he

 

wasn't so shy but he didn't blab to me like he did to a bunch of other

 

people. that's why i got a little suspicious, i don't know if i really thought

 

he liked me but i was suspicious. but then one night we were closing and

 

he had been telling me how he had to clean this difficult section and i

 

said that maybe i'd help him if i got a chance. well i finished my section

 

early so i started on that section. then he showed up like three minutes

 

later with this folding cart and when he saw me there he asked me if i

 

was going to finnish that section and me, being a total idiot, said ok.

 

and then he left and started cleaning another section. there was

 

another girl in that section (but she was a bit older than us and i highly

 

doubt that he has any interest in her) and so he started talking to her.

 

but she wasn't saying too much, it was just mostly him blabbing. what

 

i'm wondering is, is the fact that he didn't help me with that section

 

mean that he does not like me like i suspected? i realize that that sounds

 

like a dumb question, but it's bugging me. i never see this guy anymore because it was just a summer job for the both of us and we go to different schools. i like this guy a lot and i know you guys probably think i'm overanalyzing, but i'd really appreciate your opinions.

 

thank you.

[Stargazer]

He asked if you were going to finish that section, you said yes, he moved on to another section. That's why he didn't help you, he had another one to do. It's called work, getting the job done so you can get the hell outta there!

 

Don't take it personal sweetheart. Why wouldn't he like you? Me thinks you are projecting YOUR stuff here, your fears onto him, because you 'really like him'. He's just doing his thing, your reading things into his actions that aren't really there.

 

*Warm Hugs and Merry Christmas* :-)

[Tony T]

I don't think what he did was any real big deal one way or the other, I just think you are very sensitive. The work place is not a social situation. If he walked away from you to talk to someone else outside the workplace, I would say he wasn't really fond of you. But at work, he just may be a little flakey...but a good worker who likes to talk.

 

The most pressing and serious problem is that you are still thinking about this two minute episode that happened four or five months ago regarding a guy you hardly know but somehow like.

 

I think this is more feelings of rejection you have. You feel rejected because this guy didn't stay around to talk to you but went over to help someone else and babbled off to her. Nobody likes to feel rejected. But those feelings, in a circumstance like this, should only last a little while...and the very longest a few hours.

 

The fact that you still feel rejected after five months tells me you need some work with this. You shouldn't be dating or thinking about guys until you get help for this issue. See a counsellor or therapist. A few sessions will give you techniques to help you cope a lot better. Get this straight, if you are going to fall for guys, before you find Mr. Right you will have to go through some industrial strength rejection. You better learn how to handle it.

[Sandra]

thanks tony, i don't think that i necessarily feel rejected, i was just curious about it then and i wanted to know what some other people thought. i don't think it was such a big deal eitherbut i was just think that if someone liked another person then they would stick around and help that person, right? anyways i appreciate your response thanks.

[Tony T]

Human behavior is a lot more complex than that. He may not have stuck around because he liked you a lot, his heart may have been pounding, his mouth gone dry because he was flipped over you, and he just had to get away fast. He may have had little to say to you because he may have been so bonkers over you that his mind froze and he didn't know what to say. If a guy is just mad about a girl, sometimes it just makes him freeze and need to get away fast before he makes a fool of himself.

 

Or, yes, maybe he just didn't want to be there with you at that particular moment.

 

He may have been afraid that the boss would see him trying to make time with you and give him hell or fire him.

 

Maybe he wasn't sure you wanted him around and was scared you might reject him.

 

Who the hell knows????

 

But I still think you are nuts for thinking about this five months after the fact. Don't you have anything better to do??? Aren't there any other guys in your town????

 

If you are so caught up in this guy, give him a call and ask him if you can take him to lunch and to a movie next week. Otherwise, just forget him.

 

But stop trying to second guess why people do what they do...because if you make that a life obsession, you will go insane...because it is totally impossible to determine exactly why people do some things. A lot of time, people don't even know themselves why they do things.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

[Stargazer]

You know Sandra, I'm slighly annoyed with you. You say you

 

"wanted to know what some other people thought" the fact that you've totally ignored my response - by only thanking Tony for his input here, tells me that you only wanted Tony's response. If that's the case then please save people their time and energy by stating your requests clearly, the first time.

 

I basically said the same thing as Tony - this is YOUR stuff, your projeting your fears and insecurities onto him. Then you come back with this: "I don't think that I necessarily feel rejected" Hello! Denial isn't just a river in Egypt you know! No one blows up a tiny little incident like this to what you have and then honestly believe it's NOT about them and their own feelings of self-worth.

 

Your ignorance of others here is very rude, very.

[Sandra]

i'm so sorry if you thought that i didn't appreciate your response. i do appreciate it, i asked tony specifically to respond because he is always responding and i knew that if i asked him to he for sure would, i'm so sorry, thank you so much for being so interested in my problem, i truly appreciate that.

 

actually, i had a question for you, what exactly do you mean when you say that i'm "projecting my fears onto him." i just thought that if a guy likes you he would want to spend as much time with you as possible.

 

thanks so much, i really do appreciate your opinion so please don't think otherwise.

 

Happy Holidays.

[Stargazer]

Hi Sandra,

 

LOL, tis OK, I'll forgive's ya, only coz it Chrissy and all!

 

Actually I went and had another lookey at your post, I noticed that you'd put (BOYS) next to your title, I didn't think anything of that when I first read it, just thought you meant you wanted to understand men/boyz, but I see now that you were actually asking for a guys opinion. I guess I owe YOU an apology LOL.

 

Like Tony said human nature is very complex, it's not as black and white as you think, especially where teenagers are concerned (I assume that you are, correct me if I'm wrong), all the self-awkwardness. The thought that he may like you just as much as you like him but gets gobsmacked and nervous did occur to me - I really think he just wanted to get his work done you know, you were doing a section for him, so he moved onto another where there happened to be someone else already there. So he started yacking.

 

Projection - hmmmmmm well let's see.......it's a psychological term DOH!. Denial is breeding ground for projection. You know how a movie projector works right? Same principal, you throw forward what's in you onto someone else, you shift blame onto another, or you perceive a quality or characteristic in someone else that you deny or don't claim in yourself.

 

What I meant when I used that term with you is that because you are attracted to him and because within you is a fear that he may not have the same attraction and you also lack self-confidence, you are projecting your fears and insecutities (picture a movie projector inside your mind, on the film is fear/insecurity, he's your surface) onto him when he does something that shows you he may not like you like you do him.

 

It's about you hon, not him. He's just doing his thing. You think HE doesn't like you when really you don't think he could like you, you don't like you.

 

People who are confident within themselves don't focus on an incident like this and think it's because the other person doesn't like them, that's the first thing you thought. Someone who was surer about themselves would just think he's doing his job or something else, you know, they wouldn't take it personally.

 

Does any of this make sense of resonate with you?

 

Ho! Ho! Ho!

[Sandra]

thanks, i understand what you are saying, but the thing is that i had told him that maybe i'd "help" him finnish that section, but then he comes and asks me if i was going to finnish that section by myself, instead of helping me and not asking anything at all. but, you are probably right he was probably just trying to get the job done. also i guess i should mention that he has a girlfriend. i know that that's a big deal, but he could still like other people, and we are teenagers and teenage relationships hardly ever work out. thanks for responding.

 

Happy Holidays!

[Tony T]

So you finally tell us he has a girlfriend.

 

There is just something really weird about a girl who keeps obsessing about an incident which took place five months ago involving a guy who has a girlfriend.

 

Are you just depressed because of the holidays??? Go spend some time with friends and try to find some happiness somewhere. You are really screwing you mind up with this stuff.

 

I really don't think it's very nice to be this fixated on a guy who has a girlfriend. As a matter of fact, when you learn more about karma (look it up in the dictionary) you will know that doing so can bring bad things back into your life.

 

Treat everyone, even those you don't know, as you would like to be treated. Would you want some girl somewhere out there as obsessed with your boyfriend as you are about this guy???

[Tony T]

YOU QROTE: "i don't think it was such a big deal eitherbut i was just think that if someone liked another person then they would stick around and help that person, right?"

 

In a recent post you finally admit this guy had a girlfriend. This is very important information. The absence of that information makes almost everything I have advised you a waste of time. I am rather irritated that you would leave that out.

 

If you are inclined to be this kind of person, I think this guy made a very good decision by leaving you and helping someone else.

 

I hope in years to come, you gain some principles and learn to conduct yourself in a way that people will be attracted to you for that. If you had some principles about you, you would have put that information in your post....NO, you would have never posted at all...because you wouldn't be after a guy with a girlfriend...if you had principles.

 

I'm sorry, but you have made me feel really cheap by posting advice when significant details were obviously ommitted on purpose. I don't like being treated like that.

[Sandra]

why is it bad karma? i'm not trying to break them up. i haven't even spoken to this guy for about four months. i didn't know this guy had a girlfriend when i started liking him and then by the time i found out it was too late, i already liked him. trust me, i tried to get over him and i tried to like other guys, but i can't help it, i still like him.

 

thanks for responding, Happy Holidays!

[Sandra]

tony, i'm so sorry, please don't feel deceived. like i said in my previous post i didn't know that this guy had a girlfriend when i started liking him and believe me i have tried getting over him, but i can't seem to. you're right i do have self esteem and self confidence issues, but you have to believe me when i tell you that i would never go after a guy with a girlfriend. i am not after this guy that i posted about, it's just that this incident was bugging me and it's not like i thought about it all the time i just thought it would be good to have some other people's opinions on this. please don't be upset, if you knew me then you would know that i really am a very nice person and i am not after this guy, i just wanted some other opinions. obviously you think that i am a horrible person, but i hope that you can change your mind.

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond.