bolase Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 (edited) I started seeing a guy I work with; both late twenties, serious job but casual environment. We like each other and have made the awkward transition from after work drink pals to dating once/twice a week. I've slept over, no sex yet but getting more comfortable physically. He steals me away for secret kisses, "inadvertently" told someone at work about us, and the other day brought up that he needs to visit an area for a week for research for a (personal) project and said 'im not sure how appropriate it is to ask, but perhaps youd want to come with me' - I said potentially. so far so good! The issue: He seems very hurt. He broke up with a long term partner 3 months ago (has slept with someone since in a fwb arrangement- his friends ex [red flag?]). He said he has lost all his confidence over the last year and needs to get it back. And various comments about not wanting kids/getting the snip, wanting a break from sex/relationships (before we did anything romantic), sighs when he says "relationships"..etc. I asked him, "its almost like youre telling me not to like you..' and he responded that it was sort of a disclaimer of who he is right now. He also thinks theres no point to living, tho he enjoys life. I prefer to hope that there is! I'm just wondering what to do. We have fun and great chemistry exists between us, but we have completely different interests. Him and his ex were about as similar as you can be. If we continue I'd sleep with him (last time we got close he said it would almost feel wrong and we should "save" [sex]!), but I want to know how he sees this going. Do I ask? [wrong forum ] Edited July 10, 2013 by bolase wrong forum :( Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Some of us take a little longer to get over breakups than others. It may take him a while to feel confident and positive about relationships again. If he asks you for space and time, I think it may be wise to give him that. Telling you how he really feels does show some respect and consideration for you. If you decide to have sex with him, I would consider it casual sex until you both agree there's more to the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 I don't get it. He can bang his friends ex in a fwb kinda deal but wants to take a break from sex..he only broke up from his long term partner three months ago and has already organised a fwb deal with this girl in addition to putting the moves on you and "dating" you. So in three months he's organised sex with his friends ex, dated you and god knows what else. Seems he can't stand to be alone, he's barely had time to breath and he's already in two relationships. Just be careful this FWB doesn't come back to bite you later on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 While I agree that people take different amounts of time to heal after breakups I also think that by what you wrote that he is giving you literally every indication that he will be more than happy to screw anything that comes his way given the opportunity. When someone shows you who they are...believe them. I would consider cooling this off until this guy can get a grasp of his issues(if ever) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bolase Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Thank you. How would I give him the indication that I am cooling it off because of exactly that - without closing the door - e letting him know that I like spending time with him, it's just obvious he isn't ready to date. While not making him feel emasculated, hurt, etc? While I agree that people take different amounts of time to heal after breakups I also think that by what you wrote that he is giving you literally every indication that he will be more than happy to screw anything that comes his way given the opportunity. When someone shows you who they are...believe them. I would consider cooling this off until this guy can get a grasp of his issues(if ever) Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Thank you. How would I give him the indication that I am cooling it off because of exactly that - without closing the door - e letting him know that I like spending time with him, it's just obvious he isn't ready to date. While not making him feel emasculated, hurt, etc? By being honest and diplomatically saying what you just wrote.....basically you answered your own question. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.....plus it might make the scales fall from his eyes if you inform him of your feelings. He seems to be putting way more pressure on you by the back and forth between getting snipped and waiting for sex.,...again keep in mind that in my opinion you are a total rebound for him and may be doing a compare and contrast in his mind between you and his last relationship and figures he can vacillate as long as you will let him. Come right out and ask him where he thinks this is going.... Your conundrum lies with the fact you work together, so that of course may make it a bit more tricky...for you will still have to see him on a regular basis... but that is the consequence of seeing somebody you work with. But by all means don't drag it out to where you feel like you have to keep waiting for him to make up his mind. The only person you can control is yourself. You never know, it may knock him off the fence...stranger things have happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bolase Posted July 13, 2013 Author Share Posted July 13, 2013 Thanks again! Well, he offered to bring me lunch tomorrow (I am rostered on this weekend) at my desk, so I will find a way to have a convo about it then. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts