He doesn't know what he wants, but he doesn't love me anymore

[Luna Selene]

First off, hello. I've been lurking here on the forums for a few years, taking solace in may different threads and gaining advice (especially for NC, etc). I never thought I'd be posting a thread myself.

 

First, I'm 26 nearly 27, he's almost 29. We had a three year relationship that ended, by him, yesterday. It was out of the blue (as many of these are).

 

Like any couple, we had problems, especially with communication. But as recently as two months ago, we both wanted to be more open with each other about our concerns.

 

For me specifically, he was a constant presence in my life for the past three years. He saw, and supported me, through many things (figuring out what I wanted in a career, being diagnosed with quiet Borderline Personality Disorder and supporting me as I sought treatment. He did split from me temporarily, and admitted he did so at the time so I would seek treatment on my own and for myself. Two weeks later, I received the message all dumpees want: I miss you, I'm sorry, I want a relationship again). I have as recently as two months ago taken a large leap in the career I want and am just now stuck in job searching.

 

For him, he is in a job he's hated for the past year. It's something that has caused him a lot of stress that bled over into other aspects of his life. He didn't know what he wanted professionally, which also added stress. Finally, he was unhappy with how he looked physically and had issues with immediate family members and their past experiences.

 

As a couple, we had many things in common, similar values, and discussed as recently as six months ago moving in together and eventually getting married. We were both sincere when we said we loved each other and wanted to build a future together once we felt more settled into our professional lives. We did have problems communicating in the past, but we did talk things through. Unfortunately, sometimes it reached a crisis point for us to do so. We always lived separately and did not rely on each other financially. We had been going out on dates, spending time together, and intimacy as recently as last week. He had been feeling a little distant a few days ago, but he was also refused a raise he thought he was going to receive.

 

Yesterday he asked to come over and talk, which I agreed to. He had two things to say to me: that he had an idea of what he wanted for a career

(or rather, what he really wants to try and pursue), and that he didn't feel like he was in love with me anymore. That all of our dates and time together for the past month had been forced. He tried to make himself fall back in love with me and couldn't.

 

He insisted that it was nothing I did or said. That I'd made such great strides in my professional and personal lives and that he was so proud of me. But he knew that I still loved him and he couldn't reciprocate. He had to focus on himself and not worry about me.

 

I didn't beg for him not to leave. I said I wish it didn't have to be this way. He insisted that he didn't know what he wanted in life otherwise, that there was no one else, and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone right now. He explained that he did love me, and did at that point months ago wanted to move in and eventually marry me. That had been the plan all along. But he didn't feel like he was in love with me anymore.

 

I explained that there was going to be no contact. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I told him not to call me, email me, he'd be deleted from facebook (as well as his family members who friended me/had contact with me), and I wouldn't be able to see him at social events. We live near each other, and share a lot of restaurants and shops in the area (grocery stores and the like), and have a lot of mutual friends. He said he respected that, but told me that he was there for me to talk to, rant at, or ask questions about what happened. And that the same went for my friends who were unclear about our breakup. I gave him back the things he gave me that I couldn't hold onto ( the necklace he gave me when he said he loved me for the first time and a plush toy). I couldn't wear or keep them otherwise. The move I'm upset I did was bring up the separation we had when I sought treatment, and that I can't expect history to repeat itself. He just said "nothing is certain".

 

And he left.

 

Since then, I'm a wreck. I cannot keep food down. I've slept very little. I've cried off and on to the point that I don't know how I still have tears. I've talked to at least a dozen friends in the past day. I have such a large support network and yet I feel so betrayed, empty, and alone. I woke up this morning wondering if the previous day was just a nightmare, or something my brain feigned as abandonment, but it was real. All of it was real.

 

I thought this really was going to be it. That we were going to make it. Thank you for letting me write about this here.

[TigerCub]

I'm so sorry Luna

 

This just happened to you and it is extremely fresh and the pain feels so enormous right now.

 

But I hope that in time you will come to see that he actually did you a favor by being honest with where he stands and how he feels.

 

So many people stay in relationships where they are not in love and just go through the motions and waste time.

 

At least he didn't do that to you.

 

It's way too early, and you will need to feel and process and grieve, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Hang in there.

[Luna Selene]

Thank you for your reply, TigerCub. I'm finding it so difficult just to eat and sleep right now. I'm usually much better about controlling my anxiety and emotions, but not right now.

 

I find it so hard to bring myself to get mad, to hate him, or to even feel indifferent. What I am trying to do is not replay the bit about being open to talk if needed and that he's uncertain about long-term permanence. And even that should make me mad, but it doesn't.

 

It's also really hard that I'm a certified personal trainer and going to the gym really should be the logical thing to do. In fact, I can usually talk myself into going when I need to de-stress. But not for this. With this, I just can't force myself.

[TigerCub]

Thank you for your reply, TigerCub. I'm finding it so difficult just to eat and sleep right now. I'm usually much better about controlling my anxiety and emotions, but not right now.

 

I find it so hard to bring myself to get mad, to hate him, or to even feel indifferent. What I am trying to do is not replay the bit about being open to talk if needed and that he's uncertain about long-term permanence. And even that should make me mad, but it doesn't.

 

It's also really hard that I'm a certified personal trainer and going to the gym really should be the logical thing to do. In fact, I can usually talk myself into going when I need to de-stress. But not for this. With this, I just can't force myself.

 

Sweetie it's so early.

What you're going through is "normal" for these kinds of things.

 

When my ex and I broke up (and this one we actually both saw coming) - it still took an enormous amount of effort for me to function and go to work and exercise and do the things that I needed to do.

 

So don't be hard on yourself. Do what you feel you need to do right now.

 

As for the anger. I dunno if everyone must get to that stage. I honestly don't know that.

 

But I know that after we made our break and I moved into my own place again and I got to thinking about everything that's when I got angry about somethings and that was like a bit more than a month after the break up.

 

I don't think there is a standard timeline that everyone must follow.

 

Just feel your feelings, do what you need to do to get by right now and be kind to yourself.

[CaliBabe]

Oh man, I remember this feeling. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. I am so sorry you are going through this. Just be patient with yourself and really nuture yourself. When you feel up to it, schedule plans with friends, a spa day, shopping and to work out. You will be feeling better slowly. Good luck sweetie.

[lukekarts]

This is almost exactly what I'm going through. My ex and I had been together for almost 10 years, we lived separately up until recently, and I had supported her through various issues. We too had communication problems, but never did I see this coming.

 

So 5 weeks ago, we finally moved in together, I left most of my friends and family to move in with her, when I got a job nearby. I 'thought' everything was fine, but when I went home 2 weeks ago, she text me to end it, saying she 'couldn't cope anymore'.

 

I was effectively left homeless (living on an airbed at a friends), and it took me until Monday of this week to see her for some clarity. She said she loves me as a friend, but wasn't in love with me anymore, didn't feel it was right, nor see a future for us.

 

I'm absolutely devastated, so I can sympathise with what you're going through.

[eleve82]

I'm so sorry to hear of the pain you two are going through , Luna & lukekarts. I don't think I will ever understand the thought process and rationale behind partners who suddenly claim they don't love someone anymore. Is it temporary? A psychological condition? A biological one? I spend a lot of time wondering why people do the things they do. Ultimately, I don't think we will ever find out why the people we love do things they do, but we can only hope to learn to cope with the impact on our lives.

 

My takeaway is this: learn to love yourself as much as you have given to your partners and learn to let go. Letting go doesn't mean you stop loving someone but that you stop taking responsibility for his or her life, you stop trying to control the outcomes of his or her life, you focus on your life and what can be changed. Be the kind of person that you would spend time with so that time on your own is quality time, not a time to feel sorry or miss someone else. Learn that respecting yourself is the the most important step to being happy with yourself - and that respect for yourself is not the same as pride. It means drawing boundaries in your interactions with people who drag you down, hurt you or have negative influences. You need not feel guilt for keeping a emotional distance from those you were once close to if they are dragging you down with and have decided to leave you.

 

Once you rediscover the centre of gravity that defines you - where you are happy with your own life and accept yourself fully - and that keeps you stable, as you had before this relationship, never ever let it go again.

[lukekarts]

I'm so sorry to hear of the pain you two are going through , Luna & lukekarts. I don't think I will ever understand the thought process and rationale behind partners who suddenly claim they don't love someone anymore. Is it temporary? A psychological condition? A biological one? I spend a lot of time wondering why people do the things they do. Ultimately, I don't think we will ever find out why the people we love do things they do, but we can only hope to learn to cope with the impact on our lives.

 

My takeaway is this: learn to love yourself as much as you have given to your partners and learn to let go. Letting go doesn't mean you stop loving someone but that you stop taking responsibility for his or her life, you stop trying to control the outcomes of his or her life, you focus on your life and what can be changed. Be the kind of person that you would spend time with so that time on your own is quality time, not a time to feel sorry or miss someone else. Learn that respecting yourself is the the most important step to being happy with yourself - and that respect for yourself is not the same as pride. It means drawing boundaries in your interactions with people who drag you down, hurt you or have negative influences. You need not feel guilt for keeping a emotional distance from those you were once close to if they are dragging you down with and have decided to leave you.

 

Once you rediscover the centre of gravity that defines you - where you are happy with your own life and accept yourself fully - and that keeps you stable, as you had before this relationship, never ever let it go again.

 

Thank you.

 

I think the last bit is the hardest part - we were 19/18 when we met, so more than 1/3 of my life has been shared. University (x2, as we went at different times), careers, friends, places. The hardest part will be 'places'. Everywhere I go brings back memories, and when friends have been talking to me about things it keeps flooding me with these good memories and then that horrible gut wrenching feeling that is what they're always going to be.

 

I'm logical enough in my thought to know it will get better, but in the short term life is like a rollercoaster.

 

I've managed to tell people at work, they understand but work is still a challenge for me. Some days I am ok, some days I feel terrible.

 

My friends are ALL in relationships, some married, some not, but regardless that makes it particularly challenging.

 

One thing it has done is it has made me open up more. I've never spoken more about my relationship than I have in these past two weeks, to everyone. It has taken my ability to communicate to a whole new level and I feel I can certainly take that forward as a strength.

 

The biggest blow is how it has happened. She said she had the thoughts since last October but she never took the 'get out' routes on offer.

 

She could have told me sooner, told me not to leave my job, not to move in with her but instead with a friend who was looking 3 months ago. She never even gave us the chance to work things through with a counsellor or anything, just shut me out and made the decision all on her own.

 

And part of me is really angry - dumping me by text after 10 years is just the most horrible way to do things. I felt she owed me more than that, even if she didn't love me anymore.

 

And here's the message she sent me 5 weeks ago, which was just 2 days before I moved in, after she had her initial 'worry' about us living together:

 

"Thank you gorgeous for being so understanding of me. I know I'm tricky to be with at the moment and I hate that I am. I wish I had everything in line and was confident with everything I do but I just can't seem to get it right. You are an amazing boyfriend and I am so lucky to have you. I know I love you. Even though times get tough, you always pull me through. I am going to give this the best shot I can and I want us to work. You are an amazing guy; so forgiving, generous and kind and I love you with all my heart xxxxx'

 

To go from that to 'not in love' with me anymore really gives me that winded feeling.

 

I just wish it could have been more gradual, that I felt things weren't right earlier, rather than got no warning.

 

But I am where I am, and talking about it makes me feel better.

Edited July 12, 2013 by lukekarts

[summerwoes]

Hey Luna, I'm going through an almost identical situation right now and it SUCKS. Knowing that someone you've loved for so long and who has loved you so deeply is losing feelings for you is a terrible feeling especially when they're not even sure why. My gf is going through this right now and I'm just taking it one day at a time and don't think about the past (first dates, trips) because those just turn into a waterfall of other thoughts that are impossible to stop. I'd say the most important part for you right now is to keep working on your own personal self improvement and I know its hard to imagine yourself with other people, but eventually there will be some one great for you (God I'm not sure if I believe that yet either, but I keep telling myself). Goodluck and don't dwell.

[letsbeotherpeople]

In situations like these, that I've been through a few times, and helped friends through, the only advice I can give is the advice I gave myself (somewhat paraphrased from a comic book I love)

 

Do things day by day. Just baby steps. One day at a time. There will be times when him not being there will feel like a blow to the chest, and you will cry. But these will happen less and less as time goes by. He may be gone, but you are not. You are still alive. So live.

[aloneinaz]

Thank you.

 

 

"Thank you gorgeous for being so understanding of me. I know I'm tricky to be with at the moment and I hate that I am. I wish I had everything in line and was confident with everything I do but I just can't seem to get it right. You are an amazing boyfriend and I am so lucky to have you. I know I love you. Even though times get tough, you always pull me through. I am going to give this the best shot I can and I want us to work. You are an amazing guy; so forgiving, generous and kind and I love you with all my heart xxxxx'

 

To go from that to 'not in love' with me anymore really gives me that winded feeling.

 

 

Her text or email brought chills to me. So similar to what my ex would write me after we had an argument that she'd typically start. Her favorite expression was "I know I'm not an easy person to get along with".. She could send the sweetest, love filled texts or emails and a day or two later break up with me over something stupid. This is why I tell everyone I know that words don't mean $hit to me. Only their actions do. She'd say one thing and her actions were just the opposite.

 

I think you need to dig deep and reflect on the last few months of your relationship. I bet you ignored signs of her losing interest. Clearly, her having hesitation in moving in w/you was a sign as well. Why did so many years go by before you moved in together?

 

Dumpers typically have been thinking about ending it WAY before they pull the trigger. I know my ex was demonstrating some loss of interest in our relationship. Not spending as much time with me, less sex, less romance, quicker temper. I'm quite sure I knew she wasn't terribly happy but in truth nor was I. I'd come home after spending an evening with her wondering why I didn't have the balls to end it. I'm really certain that my ex is suffering from a personality disorder of some type. Borderline is a possibility. She struggles with relationships with everyone, doesn't have any real friends and has shakey relationships with her family.

 

As far as the pain, no sleep, no appetite, it gets better. You have to go through it. It took me a couple of weeks to start sleeping half way decent and to get my appetite back. WE'd broken up several times with her doing most of them. This was the final straw. I'm done. I joined a couple of dating sites at 2-3 weeks after the break up. It wasn't easy but I refused to sit at home feeling rejected and lonely over a person who had so many issues rejecting me. I've been dating since. It's been fun to have sex again, enjoy the attention of the opposite sex, etc. I've met a girl a week ago that I REALLY like and have been seeing regularly. I'm 6 weeks since breakup and NC and if I can enjoy dating and like someone after a 1.4 year relationship, so can others...

Edited July 12, 2013 by aloneinaz

[lukekarts]

I think you need to dig deep and reflect on the last few months of your relationship. I bet you ignored signs of her losing interest. Clearly, her having hesitation in moving in w/you was a sign as well. Why did so many years go by before you moved in together?

 

I went to Uni, we were living with parents for a year, she went to Uni (Decided to become a teacher), etc. Really there was no chance for us to live together until the last two years, and then we both decided to move city.

 

I don't think I ignored signs. Everyone around me is as shocked as I am. There weren't really any signs at all; she did spend a good deal of time crying about her sister's divorce and her best friend's splitting up but there were AFAIK very few issues between us. I have been through thoughts of everything and just can't find those signs anywhere, sadly.

 

Edit: also with regards to the texts, sucks you had to go through that. Again though, I think my situation is somewhat different as there were no arguments or 'break ups' and emotional text messages.

 

The fact she dumped me via text message suggests written words do mean a lot to her.

Edited July 12, 2013 by lukekarts

[for666]

i have to say thank you

 

i see how much pain you suffer and i reflect it to my ex relationship

 

7+ month relationship and 1 month that i felt some detachment..

 

it was out of a blue with noting to say bad about my attitude...

people say she got bored of you but i don't believe it cos i read allot here

and i know i'm not boring (i always have something new to talk about be-cos i'm very educated love reading seeing movies and just Learning each day!+ allot of hobbies (painting,sports,games,cooking,music,sculpture,etc...)

 

i'm 23 years old and i have excellent career i get double pay above the average in my country and leave alone for sometime (no money problems).

 

i never neglected or did something wrong (in my opinion and every friend that i know and ask'd) and i got some GOOD friend's that always say the Truth ( i love those people they are strong in my opinion making me change with each time for better and better by pointing my weak spots)

 

never or less i'm in same position you both feel and i know how hard it is

the question of why is the most evil thing

did i do something wrong?

did i sad something bad?

did i do something bad after the break up?

 

well in my case i'm soon 6 month break up last time contact 1 month ago ( always contacted 1 month NC )

did contact her 6 time's ( never beg'd to take me back always ask'd why? only and try to figure it out but she didn't have any strait answers( she was sanding allot of breadcrumbs and it drives me nuts ( even do i started NC right away).

 

last time i sand'd a msg that i wont forgive her for her doing this

and i hope that she gonna learn one day what she lost

cos i know i did noting wrong and that she need'd to talk to me before she did it maby we cude fix it

 

the question of why she didn't tell me she felt that way is killing me

and the idea of me being excellent to her and doing noting wrong drive's me more

cos if i had same attitude toward me i wont ever let her go the same way she left me

 

short to end

i go to psycologist

and it's something you must hear

some people have not developed in the same stage we did

( my mom divorced 4 time's me age,5 ,12 ,16, 21 so I've learn the impact of all (seen cheaters controllers and always heard my mom saying why there is no such wonderful man like (good charming not controlling non cheaters protective and so on) so i kind of grew up with those values)

 

it isn't easy what you both are going true and i hope really the best there is

i know i suffer'd from it vary hard and it was the first time i ever suffer'd so hard (and i cant even immagine the impact you have after 2 year's cos if i compare it to my 7 month suffering )

 

but something to ensure you

1 month i didn't eat didn't get out was self absorbed with same question's

2 month i started to go gym and working out again and making some progress in painting and so on

3 month i started dating ( just to get some attention) but i didn't step ON even do i had allot of chances with new relationship i just didn't feel i wanna hurt someone if i'm not over fully for my ex yet

4 month i'm well regular eat k sleep k miss her time to time and it's painfull

still getting allot of girls attention to boost my ego back

5 month almost no hard feeling's or depression over the case noting ,i can now reflect the ex relationship much easier and see the red flags and what went wrong much clearer and even say she did allot of thing's that i didn't need to BARE

6 month now soon

i read so much that i am 100% percent that my next GF gonna be uber happy with me cos i feel i'm now olmost at the top

 

my inspiration is back i am in great shape again and my ego have been boosted to it's normal

so i am kind of ready to date but for now i'm on hold be-cos there is some more thing i wanna do in my career (i wanna get richer and bye a plane .... weird me, but steps by steps day by day i'm closer)

 

to close it all it's hard but in time you gonna get better

eventually you have to understand that YOU only YOU need to be happy

no ONE no ONE even if you are married is responsible for your happiness

 

and from what I've read or heard we are not the one to ever! regret it

think about it... we have noting to regret only they can regret it

we are not!

 

step by steps day by day and it go's away ^^

be strong .. next time you gonna be so MUCH stronger and noting after this can take you dawn (NOTING)

 

(cos this is the worst feeling ever after breaking up!)

 

 

THEY JUST MADE US INVINCIBLE!

learn and become stronger ! and don't worry the pain gonna pass and the strength we gain from it is AMAZING!

you wont be afraid of anything after this hard break up (noting can be worse than this but it pass's away!)

[Luna Selene]

I'm so overwhelmed by the replies to my thread. I didn't expect it. I just needed somewhere to let everything out.

 

My past few days have not been well. I've slept maybe 12 hours total, eaten very little that actually stayed down, and haven't wanted to do anything but watch movie after movie, mulling over the threads here on loveshack. Some of my friends are supportive. My immediate family is happy that this happened, and tell me I'm better off, he wasn't attentive to me, and kept himself closed off.

 

I haven't contacted him, even though I've wanted to so badly. I know nothing would change. People don't change overnight. And even if I asked for clearer answers, I could never know if they were sugarcoated or not in order to "spare my feelings". On the flipside, asking him or close friends if that is how he really felt makes me look like I can't accept sincerity from him, so I opted not to do that either. He doesn't want to try to salvage things through counseling as well.

 

I returned the most sentimental things right when he broke up with me. The locket he gave me for Christmas the first year we were dating, when he admitted he loved me for the first time, and a stuffed plush lion from his childhood that he wanted me to have. I still have other, less emotionally-tied things: a pillow, a book, a DVD. I've put them out of sight and out of mind, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to give them back yet. I'm so tempted to drop them off, either with a note or the attempt to speak to him in the process. I could leave them with a roommate or neighbor, but the temptation of leaving a note is still there. To me, I guess it seems easier to leave a letter as opposed to an email or text. It's harder to reply instantly, and you know once those words are out there, they are permanently out there. So make sure they're the ones you can live with.

 

I've been looking at the signs I chose to ignore: more time computer gaming than the amount he already spent, the amount of space he put between us at a party last weekend, choosing not to invite me over when I was leaving my friends' place (who are his next door neighbors). We were physically intimate, initiated by him, and last week we had a date before the 4th.

 

But he complained about his job nearly every day. He had trouble sleeping. Most days he just wanted to escape into computer and board gaming, and I could never know when or if he wanted to see me. When he was winding down from gaming to sleep was my best bet. He didn't call up friends to go out with other than to play games, and when I suggested it there was always an excuse. He saw others without the influence at gaming through parties he was invited to only. He still felt bitterness and resentment towards his mother, diagnosed with bipolar and out of the family picture, and was determined to be nothing like her, loving and caring one minute and shutting people out the next. I refused for the longest time to see that he was, but didn't believe he needed help.

 

I felt awful when he accused me six months ago that the reason why our relationship wasn't moving forward was because I was still working on obtaining the career I wanted. That he did want to move in with me and marry me, and I held us back. He shut down from me for a little while, retreated to gaming. I was bewildered, but he came back. He always did.

 

And while he was afraid of confronting me, due to the fact that I was suffering from, diagnosed with, and treating quiet borderline personality disorder, I was equally hesitant about confronting him. I wanted to be someone safe, someone who put him at ease, and someone who didn't make him feel as worthless and confused as his professional and family lives did. At the end of May we finally talked about both of us walking on eggshells, and how it wasn't healthy, and how we both wanted to communicate the issues of our relationship in a healthy, constructive way.

 

He said he tried so hard to fall in love with me again since that time, that talk. I can't know, and probably never will, how much of it came from his dissatisfaction with himself, not knowing his priorities, and unhappiness with himself, and how much of it was me and falling out of love with me. Maybe he can't answer that. But from what he told me to my face, he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't know what his priorities and wants are.

[SkyWheel]

 

But he complained about his job nearly every day. He had trouble sleeping. Most days he just wanted to escape into computer and board gaming, and I could never know when or if he wanted to see me. When he was winding down from gaming to sleep was my best bet. He didn't call up friends to go out with other than to play games, and when I suggested it there was always an excuse. He saw others without the influence at gaming through parties he was invited to only. He still felt bitterness and resentment towards his mother, diagnosed with bipolar and out of the family picture, and was determined to be nothing like her, loving and caring one minute and shutting people out the next. I refused for the longest time to see that he was, but didn't believe he needed help.

 

I felt awful when he accused me six months ago that the reason why our relationship wasn't moving forward was because I was still working on obtaining the career I wanted. That he did want to move in with me and marry me, and I held us back. He shut down from me for a little while, retreated to gaming. I was bewildered, but he came back. He always did.

 

And while he was afraid of confronting me, due to the fact that I was suffering from, diagnosed with, and treating quiet borderline personality disorder, I was equally hesitant about confronting him. I wanted to be someone safe, someone who put him at ease, and someone who didn't make him feel as worthless and confused as his professional and family lives did. At the end of May we finally talked about both of us walking on eggshells, and how it wasn't healthy, and how we both wanted to communicate the issues of our relationship in a healthy, constructive way.

 

He said he tried so hard to fall in love with me again since that time, that talk. I can't know, and probably never will, how much of it came from his dissatisfaction with himself, not knowing his priorities, and unhappiness with himself, and how much of it was me and falling out of love with me. Maybe he can't answer that. But from what he told me to my face, he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't know what his priorities and wants are.

 

It almost sounds like he was blaming you for the relationship's problems--kind of cruel of him :/

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. *hugs* I'm in a similar place myself--my ex broke up with me because he was "unhappy in general" and wanted to figure his ***** out. He also complained about his work a ton too. He also doesn't know what his problem is. It's so frustrating and just sad