BostonDave Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 My wife and I started dating 11 years ago when I was 22 and she was 18. We've now been married for 4 years. My problem is this: About 6 years ago, my wife started experiencing pain during sex. It was severe and often enough that our sex life came to a screeching halt. My wife sought medical help, but every doctor she visited (5 or 6 of them) told her there was nothing wrong. This frustration lasted for years and entirely killed my wife's libido. After about two and a half years, my wife visited a specialist and was diagnosed with vestibulitis. She underwent hormone therapy, but it had little effect. My wife seems to have no interest in further treating her condition. I was shocked to discover that she had never so much as googled her condition. She takes no positive steps towards treatment. I do considerable research and mail her links to useful websites, but she doesn't read them. I've been faithful and love my wife to death, but I'm terribly unhappy about our lack of intimacy. I have told my wife at least a dozen times that all I want her to do is to keep trying to find a cure, but I feel like I'm the only one making an effort. What do I do?! Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 This diagnosis was prior to the marriage. If your screen name is a clue you've got easy access to world class medical care. Is your marriage sexless? Many people on LS have experience to share w you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BostonDave Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 We have access to great medical care. The problem is that my wife won't take advantage of it, even after I do the legwork and gather information about options. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 I got your message loud n clear. You cannot make her seek medical evaluation or follow through w treatment. I'm sure some posters will tell you to inform her of your desire and need for sexual intimacy. Your options in the face of her refusal seem limited but clear. Link to post Share on other sites
T3h L337 d00d Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 If you don't have children I'd seriously consider divorce. She can't give you blow jobs in place of vaginal sex? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 I hate to tell you this, but I got the same song and dance from my ex. And we never did have a sex life again. After 25 years of marriage I finally gave up in hopes of salvaging what's left of my own life. I am now of the opinion that no woman who loves her husband would abandon him sexually. There are options to penetration. If she isn't willing to explore those options, then I say that she doesn't really care about your feelings or needs. As it turned out, my ex was lying. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BostonDave Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 We've tried oral three times in 11 years. She's not into it. We do have sex occasionally, but she treats it as a chore to be finished as quickly as possible. Also, when we do have sex, it is always late on Sunday when I'm getting ready for sleep. I've explained these issues to her but she won't make any changes. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 YOU can't fix her. YOU -0 cant even make her fix herself. It's not your call. You only have three options: Stay in a sexless relationship.Stay - but get sex elsewhere, and tell her this is what you're doing. (Never, ever go behind someone's back, and cheat!)Divorce. There is nothing on the planet you can do for your wife, if she is neither compliant not willing to do it for herself. The enthusiasm and desire to heal, has to come form her. However: It is completely and utterly unreasonable for her to condemn you to a sexless marriage AND expect you to be okay with that and to go along with it. The three choices above are the only options for you to choose from. Bottom line buddy. Good luck. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
T3h L337 d00d Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Come on sex when you're getting ready for sleep is great. You'll probably sleep better. As for her treating it like a chore why not just let her groan and moan if she's letting you have your way? I don't think there's a solution to your problem. I value history almost above all else so while I'd be upset I'd try to work through it. If you're miserable though... no easy answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 We've tried oral three times in 11 years. She's not into it. We do have sex occasionally, but she treats it as a chore to be finished as quickly as possible. Also, when we do have sex, it is always late on Sunday when I'm getting ready for sleep. I've explained these issues to her but she won't make any changes. It sure sounds like the pattern I experienced. Less and less until finally it's gone completely. I ended up going ten years with no sex at all. I don't know anything about your relationship, but be warned, the toll on you can be enormous. I didn't call it quits until I was sitting here holding a gun to my head. I suggest that however you feel comfortable doing so, you let her know that you aren't going to live the rest of your life without sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Never heard of this condition before until now. It is frightening just how many gynaecological conditions there actually are. I would have thought there would be a want to try to resolve the issue. I mean it doesn't look like there are any concerns that treatment could disrupt fertility or anything like that but I have only done some brief reading so may be wrong there. Working through the impact on ones fertility can be a long journey for some. Gosh, maybe it is simply a case that she really just doesn't want to have sex because she has been in too much pain? Well, I did a little research and it seems that botox injections in the affected area can provide relief for a number of months. The area of spasm has to be located and a shot given there. Really hope this provides some light for you both. I would be most bothered about the non responsiveness. Is she depressed?Not sure if sex therapy can help? If she continues to not respond at all, idk, source help and put all the information into a binder as a final act prior to leaving if this is what you feel you need to do. I hope she would miss you and then get shocked into action. Movement is key. Life is movement. Hope you both work this out. I have had major gynaecological issues so feel drawn to care for your wife. Though it was challenging, our desire for each other was not affected by not being able to have sex for a while. Thankfully all my bits and pieces work better than ever now but I had to go through a lot before it was resolved. Hope it works out. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 I know the condition... it's called marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Yours, maybe.... Link to post Share on other sites
T3h L337 d00d Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Considering the condition started before marriage I'd say that has nothing to do with it. Cute joke though. Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 YOU can't fix her. YOU -0 cant even make her fix herself. It's not your call. You only have three options: Stay in a sexless relationship.Stay - but get sex elsewhere, and tell her this is what you're doing. (Never, ever go behind someone's back, and cheat!)Divorce. There is nothing on the planet you can do for your wife, if she is neither compliant not willing to do it for herself. The enthusiasm and desire to heal, has to come form her. However: It is completely and utterly unreasonable for her to condemn you to a sexless marriage AND expect you to be okay with that and to go along with it. The three choices above are the only options for you to choose from. Bottom line buddy. Good luck. 100% agreed. I boldened some above that I think is super important. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 (edited) I've been faithful and love my wife to death apparently the death of the marital bed! Not to bring levity into this but what exactly is her interpretation of intimate sharing within a marriage? I'm lost as to what your resistance to divorce is? Even within Beantown Catholicism I think you get a pass. No? Edited July 10, 2013 by Balzac Rough waters but no drowning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BostonDave Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 I'm resistant to divorce because 1) I'm in love with my wife, 2) she is suffering from a legitimate physical ailment, and 3) because I will never want to marry again. Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 I'm resistant to divorce because 1) I'm in love with my wife, 2) she is suffering from a legitimate physical ailment, and 3) because I will never want to marry again. Do you love her so much that you will put aside your sexual needs and desires until she gets better? If she never wants sex again, do you love her so much that you will no longer want sex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BostonDave Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 Do you love her so much that you will put aside your sexual needs and desires until she gets better? If she never wants sex again, do you love her so much that you will no longer want sex? Yes, but only if she loves me enough to make a real effort to get better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 I'm resistant to divorce because 1) I'm in love with my wife, 2) she is suffering from a legitimate physical ailment, and 3) because I will never want to marry again. Fair enough. It helps LSers to see your definitive limits. You're very clear. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BostonDave Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 Do you love her so much that you will put aside your sexual needs and desires until she gets better? If she never wants sex again, do you love her so much that you will no longer want sex? Isn't sticking together through terrible times a big part of what marriage is about? If I leave her over this, then any other commitment by me becomes meaningless. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 A legitimate outsider query then becomes the element of time. Has she given her physicians permission to fully inform you? Not that you'd ever truly know. Many factors come into play. How long is it reasonable to hold your standard of commitment in the face of diminished effort? To a large extent, you play an equal part in this. Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Isn't sticking together through terrible times a big part of what marriage is about? If I leave her over this, then any other commitment by me becomes meaningless. You are an awesome man. I hope she knows that. Taramaiden's post is right on, because you can't fix her. She has to decide of her own accord to do so. I don't personally understand what she is going through because I've never suffered that condition, and I really hope I never do!!! I admire you greatly for sticking with her during this time. I hope and will pray for her healing. Blessings. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Isn't sticking together through terrible times a big part of what marriage is about? If I leave her over this, then any other commitment by me becomes meaningless. I for one, never gave 'leaving her' as your sole option. But marriage is a 50-50 commitment. Tell me, what positive moves has she made to support you and make you feel loved and wanted in this marriage? you seem to be trying to do an awful lot for her? In what satisfactory and appropriate ways has she reciprocated, exactly? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Yes, but only if she loves me enough to make a real effort to get better. I really hope she does. It's in situations like this where one can tell how strong a person's love really is... Link to post Share on other sites
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