Wife giving up on my needs

[xxoo]

How is the affection and closeness outside of sex? Does she give you a lot of kind words, warm smiles, tender kisses, and close hugs?

 

Does she make you a priority with her time and money?

[Balzac]

Yes, but only if she loves me enough to make a real effort to get better.

 

That's a qualifier. A limiting factor. Have you invested personal effort to define what constitutes to you "real effort"?

Lets say a cure cannot be had but she's willing to engage in some sexual activity w you regularly but not penis in vagina? Anal sex perhaps.

[BostonDave]

Thank you, bethebutterfly, you're very kind and even though we're strangers, your validation is deeply meaningful to me. It's a feeling I haven't experienced in quite some time.

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you, bethebutterfly, you're very kind and even though we're strangers, your validation is deeply meaningful to me. It's a feeling I haven't experienced in quite some time.

 

You do realise what you've just said, don't you?

 

Not only has she physically shut everything down, she has also quit emotionally.

This woman has signed out of this marriage.

[GorillaTheater]

your validation is deeply meaningful to me. It's a feeling I haven't experienced in quite some time.

 

Beth is the best, but I think this phrase is pretty telling. Should I read into it as much as I'm tempted to? How is your wife at meeting your needs other than in the sexual realm?

[BetheButterfly]

Thank you, bethebutterfly, you're very kind and even though we're strangers, your validation is deeply meaningful to me. It's a feeling I haven't experienced in quite some time.

 

Couples really need marriage classes I think. My husband and I go to a marriage Bible study and there I have learned how important it is to validate my husband. Validating basically means to express appreciation for the positive attributes that person has. He has also learned how important it is to show me his love.

 

With your comment "It's a feeling I haven't experienced in quite some time." I get the impression that your wife is not making you feel validated. This doesn't mean that she doesn't esteem you and appreciate you, but rather she hasn't possibly learned how important it is for you to know she knows your awesomenness.

 

Is there any way you and her can start going to a support group for marriages? While I can't speak for all marriage support groups, my husband and I have greatly benefited from ours because it helps us understand each others' needs and how important it is to support each other.

[BostonDave]

Let me give everyone an example - I'm a musician (only as a hobby). My wife has never complained about the amount of time I spend on music related activities. At the same time, she's never really been supportive, either. She occasionally comes to see my concerts, but has told me she does not generally enjoy them. She's never complimented me on my songwriting or performance. Granted, I'm probably not that good, but aren't you supposed to say nice things, anyway?

 

This type of problem always seemed petty to me, but in light of this thread, I wonder if my wife's behavior suggests larger problems.

[commmitted_guy]

We had friends with this problem. Our friend's wife lack of want to seek medical help was because her husband was a mean jerk. After they divorced she met a wonderful guy and went through the surgery and therapy to get her vajaja fixed up. She got remarried and from what I've heard she is capable of a satisfying sex life with her new husband.

 

Ultimately yes, threaten and then follow through with divorce. I think it's reasonable if she has a physical problem with intercourse she can provide oral and other things too. But before you guys get to that point try everything else first. Drag her to counseling. Find a good licensed sex therapist in your area. Recognize if there is anything on your side of the street that needs cleaning first and do it. It could takes months for her to respond. But if after 6 months of marriage therapy and you being an awesome husband she still has closed the store then I think it's time to discuss separating and divorce. If nothing else you'll learn how to be a better husband to your next wife through this process.

[Eve]

*Eve kisses her Hubby and is grateful he didn't make her illness all about him*

 

Man.. people can be so selfish!

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Balzac]

Let me give everyone an example - I'm a musician (only as a hobby). My wife has never complained about the amount of time I spend on music related activities. At the same time, she's never really been supportive, either. She occasionally comes to see my concerts, but has told me she does not generally enjoy them. She's never complimented me on my songwriting or performance. Granted, I'm probably not that good, but aren't you supposed to say nice things, anyway?

 

This type of problem always seemed petty to me, but in light of this thread, I wonder if my wife's behavior suggests larger problems.

 

BINGO

 

10 characters

[xxoo]

Kisses? Hugs? Mutual kind words? Time spent together?

 

This is a double-edged sword. If all of the above has disappeared (or never was present), it could be evidence that she doesn't love you anymore, or it could be the reason she doesn't want to work on sex and closeness.

[BostonDave]

*Eve kisses her Hubby and is grateful he didn't make her illness all about him*

 

Man.. people can be so selfish!

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

Was this directed at me? If you think I'm being selfish, I'd like to know why you think that because from my point of view, my wife's illness is about everything except for me. Please be direct with your comments, this one seemed pretty passive-aggressive.

[Eve]

Was this directed at me? If you think I'm being selfish, I'd like to know why you think that because from my point of view, my wife's illness is about everything except for me. Please be direct with your comments, this one seemed pretty passive-aggressive.

 

You were tuning into comments that are only supportive of yourself, not your wife which suggests to me that you checked out once your sexual needs were not being met.

 

I feel sorry for her. She is the one living with pain... unbearable pain by what the diagnosis states.

 

In relationships when one is weak the other one is supposed to be strong. My H would carry me if he needed to. Going to 5-6 Doctors for advice and assistance does not sound like a woman who is not interested in healing. Now she has had hormone treatment. How has that afftected her mood?

 

I didn't mean to come off as passive-aggressive. I just found it odd that you would allow such an image of your wife to stand when she is in pain.

 

Maybe my own experience is too raw as I am still in recovery. I would be heartbroken if my H wanted sex whilst I couldn't. He would have to go.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[TaraMaiden]

BostonDave, I believe you stated that the pain only occurs when sexual intercourse and penetration is attempted?

 

Have you ever suggested to your wife that she could sexually please you in other ways? Just by caressing you and helping you masturbate?

Do you think she would do that for you?

 

If not: You can bet your bottom dollar that this absolutely, definitely "suggests larger problems."

[TaraMaiden]

The more acceptable modern term for this condition seems to now be 'Vestibulodynia' as apparently the term 'vestibulitis' gave the impression that there was an inflammation or infection, neither of which is the case.

 

The condition varies in intensity from woman to woman, but effective treatments are available.

 

Your wife may well be living with a degree of pain and discomfort; however, there are measures which can be taken to greatly reduce, remedy, or even eliminate the situation, even as a temporary measure.

Counselling and psychological therapy are also factors which should be thoroughly explored.

 

Given that you seem to have urged investigation and access to these varying avenues, and she has proven reluctant and resistant to all encouragement, I would suggest that her mind-set has played a large part in the enforced celibacy.

 

And that in short, she gave up on you as a sexual partner, long ago.

[TaraMaiden]

The question, I fear, is rather, does she still have love for him?

[Eve]

General treatment info found for the condition.

 

https://www.med.unc.edu/obgyn/Patient_Care/specialty-services/advanced-laparoscopy-pelvic-pain/vulvar-vestibulitis

 

Ha! Taramaiden had the same thoughts!

 

Take care,

Eve x

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Hi ya Boston

 

All of the posters have made great points. All of them.

 

Your wife's medical condition.

The possibility based on what you conveyed that she has checked out.

The importance of intimacy (and various options to achieve that)

The importance of validation.

The need for marriage counseling

 

Sooooo, have you talked to her about all of this? I mean in this level of detail?

[BostonDave]

I don't see how my frustration with my wife's refusal to seek help makes me selfish. To the poster who suggested that I'm focusing on sex 24/7, please offer me no further advice. I know my wife is in pain. I've been supportive for years. I do everything I can to help her. I sent her website links at her own request. I certainly don't badger her, but she refuses to broach the subject at all, so I mention it every couple of months to see if its still on her mind. It never is.

 

Please don't offer me links to websites - I've been to doctors visits and done my own research. Contrary to another poster's statement, my wife's condition does involve inflammation. I don't need anyone to diagnose her. I came here looking for help and support in dealing with a difficult situation, not to be accused of selfishness for feeling sex is an important part of marriage.

[TaraMaiden]

General treatment info found for the condition.

 

https://www.med.unc.edu/obgyn/Patient_Care/specialty-services/advanced-laparoscopy-pelvic-pain/vulvar-vestibulitis

 

Ha! Taramaiden had the same thoughts!

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

Not quite.

 

You have sympathy for his wife.

I have sympathy for his wife - but empathy for him.

 

Other than that, yeah, we agree.

She's not making as much effort as he is, in this: By a long shot.

[xxoo]

Dave, do you cuddle in bed?

 

Surely, if you do, you get an erection. Does she acknowledge it?

 

Have you simply kissed her hard, caressed her body, and guided her hand to your erection? What would she do?

 

If you are not cuddling in bed, expecting any kind of sex is a leap. For most women, there must be general intimacy and closeness first before marital sex is desired.

[pteromom]

Hi Dave...

 

I have had a lot of medical issues and intercourse is very painful for me. I do take care of my hubby in other ways (and try to have intercourse sometimes even though it is painful), but I thought I might be able to offer a little insight about the emotions involved in this.

 

Firstly, it makes you feel like less of a woman. Imagine if your wife was wanting intercourse and you had ED problems and could not perform. Imagine how you would feel and how it would take away your confidence in being a man. Imagine not being able to truly satisfy her needs, and how that would make you feel.

 

It makes you feel broken. Everyone else is able to enjoy and love sex, and you are sitting here in pain every time you try.

 

It makes you give up. When you want sex - or at least WANT to want sex - and you go to doctors and try different medications and nothing works, there comes a point where you don't want to try anymore. Instead, it is easier to just write sex off. To decide that sex just isn't for you anymore. Your wife's mistake of course is taking sex off the table for you - she should at least be offering BJs and HJs and toys or whatever works for you.

 

But it's hard. Sex becomes this larger-than-life problem, and even giving a BJ reminds you of how you are BROKEN. So you avoid it.

 

So I get the emotional stuff she is going through. The question is... what can YOU do about it to get your needs met?

 

First - realize that what you are feeling and what she is feeling are two different things. At least for now, you can't expect her to be into it or want it herself. You need to give her some space about wanting HER to have sexual needs.

 

Ask her to help solve the problem. Explain to her that you know she is in pain, and you never want to cause her pain, but you just want romance and sex to be a part of your life in some way. Ask her for ideas. See what she says. Negotiate. Maybe to start with, she'll just lie next to you while you masturbate. Or maybe she will agree to kiss and cuddle but then leave you to take care of the finale yourself. Let HER come up with ideas... she'll be more likely to follow through if she doesn't feel like she is cornered into doing something. And it is to your benefit to accept her ideas even if they are less than what you want. Gotta start somewhere.

 

Don't let it become a competition. What I mean by that is - don't ignore HER needs simply because she's ignoring yours. Show her love. Care for her. Be kind and gentle and sweet.

 

Is it possible she has just fallen out of love with you? Maybe. But it is also possible that she has a lot of painful confusing emotions about sex, and the unfortunate side effect is that you don't get sex.

 

How do you tell which it is? How does she meet your other needs? The non-romantic ones? Does she nurture you, care for you, consider your opinions, laugh with you, vent with you, and all the other things spouses do? If so, it's probably just the sex. If not, well... you might be in trouble.

[Eve]

Not quite.

 

You have sympathy for his wife.

I have sympathy for his wife - but empathy for him.

 

Other than that, yeah, we agree.

She's not making as much effort as he is, in this: By a long shot.

 

I covered a lot more in my first post.

 

I think those who have lived in long term sexless marriages via a deliberate choice from their partner are confusing their own issues here.. but carry on.

 

The effects of hormone treatment is valid but I will leave the poster to gain the advice he seeks as he has requested.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[BostonDave]

Pteromom, thank you for your thoughtful post. I've heard my wife use the word "broken" before. I won't pretend to understand what my wife is feeling. That's why this is so hard. We've talked about this a lot, but I guess we'll have the conversation again. Maybe I just need to condition myself to not want sex with the person I love.

[BostonDave]

My first post stated that hormone therapy didn't work, why do you keep bringing it up?

 

I'm not asking for a cure for my wife. I want to know how I should deal with the situation, and that's all. The suggestion that I'm selfish because I want sex with my wife is absurd.