Wife giving up on my needs

[BostonDave]

I'd like to know how Eve's husband managed to eliminate his sex drive during her illness. I wish I could make a conscious decision to no longer desire sex.

[TaraMaiden]

Your wife's attitude to your desire for intimacy is an important factor, some of us have tried to examine and explore through our posts to you.

 

You seem to be quite quiet on that front, and I therefore won't broach the subject again unless you do.

 

But all relationships function on reciprocal gestures.

 

And if you are putting in more than you're getting out of it - and she isn't making any general efforts across the board to at least meet your dedication levels, even if she can't match it - then I think you have a problem, Houston...

[pteromom]

Pteromom, thank you for your thoughtful post. I've heard my wife use the word "broken" before. I won't pretend to understand what my wife is feeling. That's why this is so hard. We've talked about this a lot, but I guess we'll have the conversation again. Maybe I just need to condition myself to not want sex with the person I love.

 

I don't think that is the answer.

 

I think about what I would most like to hear, and I guess the answer is just "I understand and I'm sorry." Not - "here's a link - go fix yourself." Not - "Why won't you do something about it?" Not moping and pouting and anger. Just... "I love you and I am sorry you are hurting." And "I love you as you are, and you are enough for me as you are." And a sweet non-sexual hug.

 

You need to talk to her. Actually, you need to get HER talking. SHE needs to be the one to solve this, one way or another.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Talked about coming to solutions as a team.

 

This makes so much sense to me. I think that there is more than one single way to solve this but open conversations which include needs by both parties being met.

 

I mean, stuff happens. Illness, injury, etc. other people solve it don't they? Or at least some of the time.

 

Don't get upset Boston. Sex is the demonstration of love for some, but not all people. You are getting that variance here.

[BostonDave]

Taramaiden - My wife says the right things, I just don't see any follow through. She'll make doctors appointments after we have a big fight, see the doctor, then not follow the doctor's recommendations. She says she'll try new things in bed, but doesn't.

 

I think some of this is natural avoidance of a hard and painful situation. I understand this, but on my end, avoidance is not an option because, whether its selfish of me or not, I have an active sex drive.

 

I want to be sure she understands that the idea of giving up hope on a happy sex life would make me miserable. Nothing I've said up to now has worked. I feel like I need to be loud and clear, but how do I do this without upsetting her?

[BostonDave]

I don't think that is the answer.

 

I think about what I would most like to hear, and I guess the answer is just "I understand and I'm sorry." Not - "here's a link - go fix yourself." Not - "Why won't you do something about it?" Not moping and pouting and anger. Just... "I love you and I am sorry you are hurting." And "I love you as you are, and you are enough for me as you are." And a sweet non-sexual hug.

 

You need to talk to her. Actually, you need to get HER talking. SHE needs to be the one to solve this, one way or another.

 

Otero mom - you are right, this is the most supportive thing I can do and it is what I will do. I just need some support and validation myself.

[TaraMaiden]

Have you had any form of counselling?

 

The brutal fact is, there is a huge amount of emotion here, and marital obligation.

There are different perceptions at play, and neither your needs or those of your wife are being fully met.

 

I think you're the biggest loser here, on those stakes, but I think maybe a lot of your wife's reticence is fed by fear, and the fact that she will never be able to give you what she feels you need. Ergo, she shies away from remedy, because she fears the outcomes.

It appears to me, that much of her reluctance is based on "If I'm cured, I'll HAVE to have sex with him - and that scares me."

 

This needs to be discussed and aired.

you need to level with one another, but the fact is, there may be emotional pain, uncomfortable moments and some harsh home truths to be told.

[pteromom]

Otero mom - you are right, this is the most supportive thing I can do and it is what I will do. I just need some support and validation myself.

 

I certainly don't think you are being selfish, or unsupportive. Wanting sex is a normal thing. Which is why it makes you feel so UN-normal when you don't want it.

 

Take your wife out somewhere she'd love. Be sweet and non-sexually romantic like back when you were dating. Talk about bonding things... your childhoods, your dreams, favorite (non-sexual) memories. Laugh together.

 

Don't push for sex or even bring it up. See what happens.

[pteromom]

It appears to me, that much of her reluctance is based on "If I'm cured, I'll HAVE to have sex with him - and that scares me."

 

 

In my case, it's more like "If I continue seeking treatment, I am going to find out there IS no cure and therefore, no hope. If I leave that door open, at least I can hold onto the hope that I can be normal again."

 

Illogical, yes. But emotions are a funny business.

[BostonDave]

Have you had any form of counselling?

 

 

 

 

It appears to me, that much of her reluctance is based on "If I'm cured, I'll HAVE to have sex with him - and that scares me."

 

Wow. That's a pretty heavy revelation.

[BostonDave]

Pteromom you've been very helpful. I don't think that train of thought is illogical at all. Intractible and without a solution? Possibly. But not illogical.

[TaraMaiden]

Please understand that is an impression I have gained. But having been involved to a good extent in counselling, it's something I have come across, more than once.

[Eve]

I'd like to know how Eve's husband managed to eliminate his sex drive during her illness. I wish I could make a conscious decision to no longer desire sex.

 

I was staying out of this because I had upset you.

 

As I said, I am in recovery so my feelings are raw here. I was actually close to tears. As such, I am probably not any use to you.

 

I have asked my H to respond instead. He said -

 

You'll never get away from sexual feelings because there is always something that will stir your interests whether it is from a sex scene on the TV or internet porn because it is so easily accessible now via the internet. If you love somebody the main concern is about their health and not about sex. If they are fit and well sex comes into it. It is about supporting the partner because she is hurting too.

 

If you show frustration when she is ill, she will be put off when she is fit and well. If you show support then you can do little things, like little bits of foreplay or cuddles and touching off breasts, if this is what she wants. Ask her what she wants.

 

I'm afraid the only option is to grin and bear it and be loving and supportive.

 

He has said that if you want to talk via PM, to send a message via my username.

 

I will not interfer with this process and apologise for upsetting you.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[TaraMaiden]

BostonDave Adding to Eve's offer of PM-ing her H., remember however, that you can't access PM-mode until you've been here a while and/or made 100+ posts.

 

Unless you subscribe, that is.

[BostonDave]

Eve - You're very sweet and I am also sorry to have upset you. Obviously this is a very emotional experience for both partners in the marriage.

 

And I'm not too worried about reaching the 100 post limit - another couple of threads like this one and I'll be all set!

[janedoe67]

I am sorry people hurt. I am sorry when people get sick. Heck... I have a chronic condition myself.

 

BUT

 

As someone who craves intimacy and physical connection, the whole "if your love is real you won't care about sex" mantra gets pretty old after awhile. Imagine if what you needed to feel connected to your spouse was, say, conversation, and your spouse had their vocal chords removed, so they just sat in the corner with their back to you instead of writing notes or texting or all sorts of other ways to connect. I use conversation because the same women (yes, women, I went there) who berate a man for wanting sex with his wife would freak out if someone told her to go without conversation.

 

Sex is a real, legitimate, intimate need, and it is one that one cannot morally get from anyone but one's spouse.

 

Calling someone who is starving selfish and insensitive gets old after awhile.

 

Sorry, Dave, to rant all over your thread.....but as someone who knows what a continually sexless marriage feels like I get tired of feeling like a selfish freak after awhile.

 

I do hope that your WIFE has enough of that "real love" to keep looking with you for a solution.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Been thinking about this for a while.

 

Intercourse is not the only sex act (duh) and not the only way to show intimacy.

 

I really get the cycle --of pain, from intercourse; sex avoidance; fear of the expectation of intercourse; fear of the disappointment of lack of intercourse; rinse and repeat.

 

It really is similar to issues men have with ED.

 

I don't think the resolution can just be the squashing of your sex drive, it has to be of a intimacy compromise like, no attempt at intercourse. Off the table. At least until or if she wants to try.

 

It's hard but you guys need to find a way to have that conv and make it safe and ok for both of you.

 

Good luck.

[BostonDave]

There were a lot of replies to this thread, and I've been given a lot to think about. Here's what I've taken away:

 

I need to let my wife take things at her own pace. My own frustration only makes her feel worse and feeds the cycle of her aversion to sex.

 

I do not agree that wanting sex with your marriage partner is a selfish thing. It's a healthy desire and I've decided to fight against shameful feelings I've developed.

 

I hope that by completely backing away from the issue other than to offer my wife encouragement, things will begin to change. Otherwise I'll just have to suck it up.

 

I wish my wife understood my struggle, but I don't know how to bring it up without upsetting her. I've made an appointment for us to see a counselor in 5 weeks, hopefully that will help.

[Els]

I'm resistant to divorce because 1) I'm in love with my wife, 2) she is suffering from a legitimate physical ailment, and 3) because I will never want to marry again.

 

How is the intimacy aside from intercourse? Does she kiss you, hug you, caress you? Give you blowjobs, handjobs, etc?

 

That doesn't mean it isn't important to resolve her medical condition - simply trying to get a feel of what exactly the issue at play here is.

 

Logically speaking, if someone were to be affected by a medical condition that prevented them from having vaginal intercourse, but they were still in love with their partner, they would want to engage in sexual intimacy aside from intercourse. If they do not, there are other elements at play here.

[BostonDave]

She thinks oral sex is degrading to women.

[TaraMaiden]

If you read the thread, this is one persistent question BostonDave has repeatedly either refused to address, or has wilfully ignored.

 

And I don't know why.

 

But whether he answers here or not, the question will surely arise in Counselling......

[BostonDave]

We hug everyday and give each other little pecks on the cheek. We have awkward sex that leaves us both feeling bad about once a month. She doesn't like me to touch her around her vagina at all. She will give me a hj occasionally when I ask for it, but I know she's not into it so I feel scummy asking. She is opposed to oral sex.

[Els]

If you read the thread, this is one persistent question BostonDave has repeatedly either refused to address, or has wilfully ignored.

 

And I don't know why.

 

But whether he answers here or not, the question will surely arise in Counselling......

 

Seems like he just answered it... Barely. I agree with you re: counselling.

 

She thinks oral sex is degrading to women.

 

Uh. What.

 

Okay, let's leave that for now, then. Does she also feel kissing, making out, handjobs, and cuddling are degrading to women, too?

[Eve]

 

Calling someone who is starving selfish and insensitive gets old after awhile.

 

 

What I have learned from life is that what people get stuck on is often the most valid point. No brainer you would think but not so. The way we found to make sure neither of us were being selfish to the other was to make sure we both stayed genuinely close. Sex is not mechanical for us. H would know if I was just letting him have his way and this has no interest for him. If it did I would question our relationship. So, I think at such times the vows taken have superceeded everything and we have loved each other, truly. I am suspicious of anyone who claims differently. Especially as to whether the closeness was in fact there in the first place. Words are cheap.

 

Anyhow, the good bit happens next Saturday morning - we should be cleared by our gynaecologist late afternoon Friday. H is taking me to the seaside at 3am so we can watch the sun come up together and indulge in some greatly missed love making.

 

I have plans to take him to a comedy night that weekend also. We are going to do a bit of clubbing at a reputable place that caters for all things 80's and then go to a posh hotel for the night.

 

The level of planning together can silence any talk about selfishness. It is not in the mouth of either to claim it in our world because we love each other above all else.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[BostonDave]

No, of course she doesn't feel that cuddling is degrading. While we like to cuddle, I don't really experience it as a sexual act, so I don't really see it as a good alternative to sex.