Wife giving up on my needs

[BostonDave]

Another thought I had this afternoon -

 

I'm the real cause of my wife's problem. The only time her illness causes her physical pain is during sex and emotional pain when she knows I am unhappy. She doesn't have a libido, so I guess she wouldn't miss the sex herself. That means, if it weren't for my desires, vestibulitis wouldn't be a problem for my wife.

[pteromom]

Another thought I had this afternoon -

 

I'm the real cause of my wife's problem. The only time her illness causes her physical pain is during sex and emotional pain when she knows I am unhappy. She doesn't have a libido, so I guess she wouldn't miss the sex herself. That means, if it weren't for my desires, vestibulitis wouldn't be a problem for my wife.

 

This is true. But your desires and needs ARE her problem, because you are a couple. It's a marital problem that affects both of you.

[janedoe67]

 

This is my husband. He wants it to go away. Period. I don't know if he still feels broken. After 17 or so years of it.....I'M tired of feeling broken. My empathy is a conscious act of the will.

 

I hear you saying in some of your post that the issue is not "can" but "will." I get that. It is one thing when someone can't find a way to take care of a need; it is another completely when they won't.

 

My husband's standard of a clean house will always be different from mine. I will work my taily off, and he will still find something that I didn't see. This makes me feel incompetent.

 

I still do housework. Because it is a need he has. And housework is something we could hire a maid to do.

 

You can't hire someone to have sex with...well, you could, but all of society will throw pitchforks at ya.

[sad puppy]

Tara is hitting it on the head, all the way thru this thread! Your wife would be quite content to never have sex again, this is a transition to a complete and total sexless marriage. She does not sound intimately attached to you, in any way at all. Pecks on the cheek?

 

Diagnosis after diagnosis, doctor, doctor, counseling, pleading, talking, feeling awkward, ... People will dance around all day long, dance around the simple questions with simple answers. Dude, I am sorry, she's not connected to you in an intimate way. As someone said "loves you, not IN love with you".

 

All you have to do is decide whether you are content, at this age, to stay in a sexless marriage until the day you die. Period. It is not going to change. Ever. THAT, is really all you have to decide. Decide if you are content, as you love her so much, to move forward without ever having sex again. It really is that simple.

 

Some here have already chimed in as they have not had sex in their marriage for ten years. Is that where you want to be? Pleading, discussing, trying to encourage her but ultimately receiving nothing? Nothing but a peck on the cheek?

 

Your decision. Your life. Good luck. Stop being distracted by doctors, a diagnosis, ... Focus on what is real. And simple. She is not French kissing you. She is not playing around sexually with you, in other ways. She is QUITE content. You are not. This is your future. How sad.

[TaraMaiden]

Having spent nearly 15 years (out of 24) in a sexless marriage, I can understand the dynamics at play here - condition, or no condition.

[MidwestUSA]

Having spent nearly 15 years (out of 24) in a sexless marriage, I can understand the dynamics at play here - condition, or no condition.

 

Second this, 5 years (out of 17).

[sad puppy]

Boston Dave - I just saw in another thread where you posted to a woman complaining that her husband is masturbating to porn and ignoring her. Your advice: to get him to a counselor and after six months, if he doesn't treat you like his wife, she should "scram".

 

Are you willing to follow your very own advice?

 

You are planning to go to a counselor. In six months, if nothing changes (and it won't), are you willing to "scram"?

[BetheButterfly]

 

You can't hire someone to have sex with...well, you could, but all of society will throw pitchforks at ya.

 

The ideal, in my opinion, is for him to find someone who wants to have sex and commit with him. A sexless marriage is not what he wanted. For some people today, marriage is the only relationship which they choose to be sexual.

 

Now, long time ago some guys had slaves/concubines that they forced sexual relations on, seduced other women, or married many wives. (All still happen to this day.) However, many people nowadays recognize the beauty of the ideal of a couple loving each other, enjoying sex together: truly "making love", and growing old together in a commited and monogamous relationship.

 

From what I understand though I don't know the OP, I think he wants that. Is that right, OP? Do you want a loving and committed, sexually active monogamous relationship with the one you love? When you married your wife, that is what you thought you were signing up for, yes?

 

That is the ideal, in my opinion. What is hard and difficult is when the ideal is not realized. I understand a tiny bit (though not through personal experience) about what your wife is going through with the disease, but still... if she is not committed to at least working on addressing your sexual needs somehow, I don't see the love and true commitment there on her part. Ignoring your sexual desires is not loving you.

[BetheButterfly]

to be brutally honest with you, if I had a condition that impeded my intimacy with my H., I'd be moving hell and high water to find every possible way to either cure it or manage it....

.

 

100% agreed. Me too.

[BostonDave]

Sad Puppy - in the other post I commented on, the man was lying to his partner. I don't think my wife is lying to me.

 

I think it's easy to say that you would do everything possible to please your husbands, but the reality of emotional and psychological pain for those who actually do suffer makes things much more difficult in reality.

 

My wife has lost her libido because sex is painful and she feels broken for not being able to so what other wives so. I have no reason to think this means she's not in love with me.

 

I'm not planning on leaving. I believe a marriage commitment means more than that.

[BostonDave]

I had a long conversation with my wife. She was almost in tears from the get go because its so hard for her to discuss. I explained to her that I loved her and had no intention of leaving because I don't think she's "broken" or "incomplete."

 

I also told her that I will not broach the topic of treatment again, but that I hope she will make efforts to discuss this with me on terms she's comfortable with. I will only support her in her treatment and not push or suggest anything.

 

Finally, I told her that I think we should just forget about penetrative sex entirely for the moment and focus on getting her libido back by engaging in other forms of sex. We got together young, she had little sexual experience and still has an aversion to oral sex, but I told her I would try anything. I explained that she needs to lead in this, because I don't know what makes her uncomfortable.

 

 

So that's going to be the new approach. Let's see how things progress.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Sad Puppy - in the other post I commented on, the man was lying to his partner. I don't think my wife is lying to me.

 

I think it's easy to say that you would do everything possible to please your husbands, but the reality of emotional and psychological pain for those who actually do suffer makes things much more difficult in reality.

 

My wife has lost her libido because sex is painful and she feels broken for not being able to so what other wives so. I have no reason to think this means she's not in love with me.

 

I'm not planning on leaving. I believe a marriage commitment means more than that.

 

 

I love that you said this. This tells me what kind of man you are and how you feel marriage should be.

 

I also think, that intimacy can take many paths any you all need to continue to be intimate. I read and have tried to understand the demoralizing feeling it must be to have sexual disfunction of this kind (being ill, ED, paralyzed). It's hard to imagine not wanting to even try, but I guess she doesn't want to have to say no? Not sure.

 

But anyway, I think rather than focusing on her illness, at this moment, perhaps you can focus entirely on the relationship and building solid foundation.

 

For example, "5 love language" helps couples define and communicate what ways they show and feel love. Marriage builders, whatever.

 

I think it's ok to say, at some point, we need to really talk about this, but I love you and I know you are in pain, so I will take sex off the table for now.

 

You are a very caring person. She is lucky to have you.

[BetheButterfly]

I had a long conversation with my wife. She was almost in tears from the get go because its so hard for her to discuss. I explained to her that I loved her and had no intention of leaving because I don't think she's "broken" or "incomplete."

 

I also told her that I will not broach the topic of treatment again, but that I hope she will make efforts to discuss this with me on terms she's comfortable with. I will only support her in her treatment and not push or suggest anything.

 

Finally, I told her that I think we should just forget about penetrative sex entirely for the moment and focus on getting her libido back by engaging in other forms of sex. We got together young, she had little sexual experience and still has an aversion to oral sex, but I told her I would try anything. I explained that she needs to lead in this, because I don't know what makes her uncomfortable.

 

 

So that's going to be the new approach. Let's see how things progress.

 

You are an awesome man.

 

I really hope she leads this and shows her love for you in this important way. Blessings to you two.

[BetheButterfly]

She thinks oral sex is degrading to women.

 

Why? Just curious. I don't understand that at all, and I think several things are degrading to women (such as prostitution).

[BetheButterfly]

I don't know his wife, and what you are saying is entirely possible. I don't know the dynamics of their marriage or what resentments have built up. It's possible their situation is nothing like mine.

 

I only know my situation and can only speak from my own experience, and my distance from intimacy has nothing to do with my husband, and everything to do with distancing myself from pain (emotional and psychological more so than physical).

 

Yes, kissing is hard. Because kissing used to turn me on, and now... nothing. And if I were to get turned on, then what? I can't do anything that really works for me, and the things I am able to do without much pain do not do anything for me.

 

And yes, talking to doctors is hard. Because when you go through treatments, and medications, and surgeries, and rehabilitation, and more medications, and counselors, and nothing helps... giving up becomes very attractive.

 

It's a constant battle between wanting to make my husband happy, and trying to protect myself from pain. Guilt and brokenness and sadness and arguments and pain. That is what sex is to me.

 

It sounds dramatic because it is. It is one of the worst things I have ever been through, and I've been through a lot.

 

Pteromom,

 

I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. That is so difficult. Thanks for explaining, because I think I understand a bit better. I guess I shouldn't be so quick to think she should be trying to have a sexual relationship with her husband. Thanks for explaining and I'm so sorry and I really really hope you get feeling better and sex isn't pain anymore to you!!!

[BetheButterfly]

The hell of it is that I agree, you are an awesome person Ptero.

 

I sincerely wish not only BD and his wife, but you and your husband, nothing but resolution, success and happiness.

 

100% agreed!!!

[BostonDave]

I'm not sure why she feels that way about oral, and I don't think she knows, either. Just a psychological hang up, I guess. The funny thing is, she really enjoyed penetrative sex. It was great for her so she never felt a need to do much else.

[pteromom]

I had a long conversation with my wife. She was almost in tears from the get go because its so hard for her to discuss. I explained to her that I loved her and had no intention of leaving because I don't think she's "broken" or "incomplete."

 

I also told her that I will not broach the topic of treatment again, but that I hope she will make efforts to discuss this with me on terms she's comfortable with. I will only support her in her treatment and not push or suggest anything.

 

Finally, I told her that I think we should just forget about penetrative sex entirely for the moment and focus on getting her libido back by engaging in other forms of sex. We got together young, she had little sexual experience and still has an aversion to oral sex, but I told her I would try anything. I explained that she needs to lead in this, because I don't know what makes her uncomfortable.

 

 

So that's going to be the new approach. Let's see how things progress.

 

This sounds promising. What did she say? Did she agree?

 

Also, while you may be letting her take the lead, I encourage you to make sure you are still being affectionate toward her. As I said in a previous post, inspire her to want to be intimate with you. Give her lots of non-sexual affection, and focus on being happy with her as a partner/friend with no sexual pressure.

 

I know it is tempting to get ANGRY about being denied your needs, but I think you are doing a good job grasping the pain she is in and understanding WHY sex is so difficult for her.

 

You sound like a good husband, and I really hope you can work through it.

[pteromom]

I'm not sure why she feels that way about oral, and I don't think she knows, either. Just a psychological hang up, I guess. The funny thing is, she really enjoyed penetrative sex. It was great for her so she never felt a need to do much else.

 

This is me too. I certainly don't mind giving oral, but intercourse was always what did it for me. Which makes it DOUBLY-suck when I can't have it - or at least not enjoy it.

[Eve]

This is me too. I certainly don't mind giving oral, but intercourse was always what did it for me. Which makes it DOUBLY-suck when I can't have it - or at least not enjoy it.

 

Thankfully my libido has come back after a period of calm nothingness. I knew I was taking the risk of losing it altogether but I had to have the op because I was so ill. Have you tried any of the testosterone based creams etc? I have thought about still using some just to see what happens, lol.

 

My H wouldn't let me give him oral. He said that he felt it was unfair because he couldn't do it to me because of my many negative symptoms. He said he wanted us to be the same. I thought he was joking at first because he loves that but no, he has kept to it and just loved me up all the time. He has a few other things he likes and has been happy with that.

 

Mornings are the hardest time for him. Most off our transition to fooling around over the past 13 days has been in the morning and now at night also.

 

Mostly, I hate that the illness has caused H so much worry.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[pteromom]

Have you tried any of the testosterone based creams etc? I have thought about still using some just to see what happens, lol.

 

I have, and it did nothing for me (for a ridiculous price!!!!).

 

I do know some women have luck with them though, so it's worth trying.

[MidwestUSA]

I have, and it did nothing for me (for a ridiculous price!!!!).

 

I do know some women have luck with them though, so it's worth trying.

 

Can I be nosy and ask what the testosterone is prescribed for? Strictly libido? Have followed this thread somewhat, and your story, as well as Eve's, got intertwined. I just want to say I love reading the advice you give, and admire the courage with which you face your problems. It must be trying!

[giotto]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I have been in a similar situation about a year ago (Tara knows) and still am... the problem here is not much the lack of sex per se, but the refusal to seek treatment to cure her condition so you can resume a normal marital and sexual life. My wife refuses to seek therapy for her mental condition, so we have little sex. She also said that things will never change. At least I know this and it was down to me to find a solution, meaning I had a choice: to stay or to go. I stayed for the children, but as far as I'm concerned, our marriage is over. We have sex occasionally, but I couldn't care less. It's not the sex, it's the fact that she'd rather destroy our marriage than finding a treatment that can fix it. This is very sad but it's the way it is. If you don't have children, you should go.

[pteromom]

Can I be nosy and ask what the testosterone is prescribed for? Strictly libido? Have followed this thread somewhat, and your story, as well as Eve's, got intertwined. I just want to say I love reading the advice you give, and admire the courage with which you face your problems. It must be trying!

 

Yes, testosterone is prescribed to women mainly for libido. It can have some unfortunate side effects like affecting mood, and hair growth. Luckily I didn't have side effects, but it also didn't work for libido.

 

Thank you for the kind words.

[BostonDave]

It's been about a month since I had the conversation with my wife. It clearly is better for her, but I still feel hopeless. I've been as intimate and affectionate in non-sexual ways as much as possible, and she's stepped things up moderately, but it's still not all that fulfilling. She has an appointment to start physical therapy next week. I offered to go along because I've read that it's helpful for the spouse to be there, but she doesn't want me to go. So I'll just have to be patient and hope she finds a treatment that works. I desperately hope that I'll have sex with my wife again!

 

I also bought a book (for her, but she hasn't looked at it). It's called "When Sex hurts." When Sex Hurts: A Woman's Guide to Banishing Sexual Pain:Amazon:Books

 

It's a comprehensive overview of vaginismus and vulvodynia. I've done lots of research on the topics, and it's the best single source I've found. It was great to read because it discusses so many treatment options - it almost made me hopeful that my wife can find effective treatment. If only my wife would read it.