Force a dday possible?

[SweetiePie12]

Would you have your MM believe that you had no idea about how his wife came into the truth?

 

Exactly. Lies upon lies built upon more lies. Pathetic.

 

I love my man. I'm not trying to play dumb and gamble with something so meaningful in my life. Shoot, I'm not going to gamble with the meaningless aspects of life. Too much at stake, not to mention tacky in my opinion. Dishonest -- you name it, and the list goes on.

[CALOVELY]

Force a D-day? I thought you said everything was out in the open and everybody is throwing you a ticker tape parade for making him so happy. Am I missing something here?

[Goodbye]

I debated and debated doing this. Finding a way to expose the affair without being the one "responsible" for doing so. Looking back, I realize how messed up my thinking was. Basically, I wanted to take my unavailable man and make him available to me by making his wife hate him without being blamed by the MM for doing so. Honey...it doesn't work that way. I was so messed up I even sent the wife's sister an anonymous message on FB...it was vague so not to be obvious. Guess what? Nothing happened.

 

Nothing happened because my exMM was very clever at convincing his wife nothing was going on, so the clues that might SEEM obvious, she totally missed.

 

Do you really want someone who is a masterful liar?

 

I was so terrified of losing him forever if I outed the relationship myself. To this day, exMM swears he told her the truth...but I know otherwise.

 

Unless you have a mutual friend who is willing to tell the wife, you are only going to create scenarios that will backfire unless you woman up and tell her yourself. Better yet...give him a date by which he needs to decide AND take action...then KEEP the date and leave. Whether or not he acts is your answer. If he picks you that way it will have a much better outcome than if he is with you by default because his wife booted him after finding out via anonymous sources that her H was having an affair.

[Pierre]

However, I cannot feel loved by a cake eater. That is not how love feels to me. It has to feel complete and whole and good. Otherwise I don't want it.

 

 

Exactly! who wants a partial half relationship?

 

What is the point of being the OW if there is no plan for the d-day?

 

Anyone that avoids the d-day is admitting they are afraid to be thrown under the bus. Who wants that kind of love?

[HopingAgain]

Exactly! who wants a partial half relationship?

 

What is the point of being the OW if there is no plan for the d-day?

 

Anyone that avoids the d-day is admitting they are afraid to be thrown under the bus. Who wants that kind of love?

 

I agree with this. If love is worth having, it should be given and received with the whole heart and the actions to match.

[So happy together]

Clearly many men (and women) would do "anything" - anything up 2 and including having an affair - 2 feel that way. So many people don't have control over their feelings (the chemicals). Many other people (yours truly, for example, because at 60, I'm not bloody likely 2 start looking 2 have an affair) do control their feelings and avoid cheating on their spouses.

 

Falling in love is a feeling. It's not a choice. Real love is a choice.

 

The way you can tell that this is the case is 2 consider what acting on your feelings (following your heart) does 2 people affected by your actions. If the object of your affections is already committed 2 someone else, you're interfering with their relationship - not a particularly loving thing 2 do. Most (all?) affairs involve lying by omission - another non-loving thing 2 do.

 

Choosing 2 tell a close friend about their spouse's temptation 2 have an affair? A conscious choice 2 be thoughtful of the consequences 2 that friend if their spouse went ahead and followed their "heart" (really, that pro2berance a foot or 2 down from their heart), and, as they observed, a pretty loving thing for her 2 have done. Kudos!

 

-ol' 2long

 

 

Sure it was loving. The affair was the best damned thing that ever happened to my bf. Because he then left his marriage, which is what was necessary. Judge all you like. We're happy. We didn't just 'follow our d*cks' so to speak.

[threelaurels]

MM has already made his choice. He wants to remain married and see you on the side. Forcing him to choose isn't going to give you the outcome you want. If he wanted to leave his marriage, he would have made some attempt to do so before now. Has he even googled divorce to find out what it would entail, let alone spoken to a lawyer about his options?

 

Yes, there are ways to anonymously tell the BS, but it really depends on the situation. Unless you provide evidence, the BS will likely not believe you. Most cheaters can lie their way out of a paper bag if they have to. Whether or not a person who isn't you could obtain that evidence is another story. The BS may have no clue, but MM might suspect you.

 

Someone mentioned in the last thread that the BS in your situation is a cop. She's going to have access to a lot more resources than the average civillian for finding out who you are. You are in a tough situation because of her occupation. Every officer in her department is going to have her back when the affair comes to light. Cops are fiercely loyal to one another, and they will lie for her if she does something to you that would otherwise get her in trouble.

 

You better hope she keeps her cool if a d-day does happen. The police aren't going to protect you from her, and it is almost impossible to get a restraining order against a cop due to the nature of their occupation. I can't see any way that this situation will end without you being forced out of town. Just look at Frank Serpico's case. It's been over 40 years and he still can't step foot on American soil without having his life threatened. It's an extreme case, but it shows how dangerous police loyalty can be.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Sure it was loving. The affair was the best damned thing that ever happened to my bf. Because he then left his marriage, which is what was necessary. Judge all you like. We're happy. We didn't just 'follow our d*cks' so to speak.

 

So Happy - I have read some of your threads and it appears that you and your BF(fMM) have a relationship that will be the exception to the rule. I wish you all the best.

 

However, the study of human interaction has evidenced repeatedly that the romantic love people feel at the beginning, is in fact a chemical reaction genetically designed to help people pair up and replace the species. Not all unicorns and rainbows, but fact.

 

Psychiatrist's also indicate that men, are much more likely to not discuss or ask for a divorce until they are prepared to leave the marriage, so they have their new girlfriend, home whatever all planned. This appears to be true in your case.

 

I think, unfortunately we always tend to think our situations are "special" but we behave in predictable, statistically common ways.

 

What people are saying is that Lil needs to accept the situation the way it is; or change it, herself. And they have been providing this guidance on several threads to Lil, I think she wants a different answer.

 

Maybe her relationship IS different, but odds are its not.

 

Doing the same thing the same way but expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.

[LilGirlandOW]

Back to forcing a dday...

 

Since I dont have 2 men to juggle and teeter my emotions and love with, its all in him, and I feel life would be easier if it just came down to a dday, I feel I could handle him saying he wants to be with BS, or myself at this point. There is a massive push/pull in our relationship, that was apparent this week... I stopped initiating contact with him, and he uber initiated with me. I believe he is in love with me as I am him, but he lives a very comfortable life right now and is choosing to maintain both a "passionate love" as well a "life he's always known". My heart cant find the courage

Edited July 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Robert]

on topic posts please

[Summer Breeze]

Is there anyway without BS knowing its you that you can force a dday to happen? Any creative ways to bring A to light, all the while remaining "ignorant" to its happenings?

He'll figure it out and when he does do you want to have the anger from him? If he happens not to figure it out do you want the start of the transition out of an A to be based on you lying? DMM and I have been in counselling for months and it's been a challenge to sort out things when there hadn't been one single lie told between the two of us. I couldn't imagine if one of us had.

 

A forced dday with enough proof where gaslighting and rug sweeping isnt possible? I have "proof" but I'd rather stand by and watch it unfold and force MM to put down the fork in the road and choose his next path.

If you expose things and they separate he may end up really angry at you and his path may be a life without you.

 

I dont wanna be the one to txt BS and say hey this is how its been, and I also cant seem to force MM to make a choice,

You can't force him to and you shouldn't. If you pressure him into it and he makes a kneejerk reaction it's no different to a dday. A decision is made under stressful circumstances. He may walk away from you or he may come to you only to change his mind because he didn't make it up in the first place. After I ended our R it took DMM 4 years to make up his mind and get his life how HE wanted it. Also can't you see that if you lie and fake a dday you are doing what you say you don't want to--making him make a choice.

 

This may sound crazy, but just wondering....

 

Buy a burner phone and send her something over a text. Check in on fb that you're somewhere and with other people and send her an email from the comfort of your own home. That's off the top of my head. It's not difficult but most isn't all that plausible and it's really the cowards way out.

 

One other thing to think of. If you have any deep hope his W will ditch him get rid of it now. Do a search on google and you'll see it's standard that most BS do not end things. Most choose to R.

 

It's tough but you'll respect yourself so much more if you make the decision. It's hard and hit hurts like he!! but it is the best way to do it.

 

Good luck.

Edited July 12, 2013 by Summer Breeze

[Got it]

Why do you need to try and force him to make a decision? You can make a decision correct? Trying to force a dday to get a certain result is a recipe for disaster. It will never go the way you want.

 

You are a big girl, if you are not happy with the arrangement that you guys have today, if you tell him that you want more and he cant give it without everything hitting the fan then you have your answer. Make a decision for yourself based on the information you have today. You don't need him to do it, you have the same ability and power.

[Owl]

You want him to make a decision?

 

Tell him that he's got until Monday to make a decision, and take positive, irrrevocable actions to back up that decision...or it's over.

 

Tell him that by Monday morning, one of the two of you need to be out of his life.

 

Who's it going to be?

 

That's how you make change, LIL. Anything less is just making drama.