Getting things off my chest

[kareena]

Today is a better day,I feel calm. I guess I just need to get some things off my chest as these thoughts are creating a banging chaos is my head and I seriously need it to stop.

 

The thing is, and what I'm having a hard time understand is why would MM treat me this way after he left the marriage? I always thought the only "obstacle" was the fact that he remained married and I remained a secret,but he moved out,he contacted me after NC telling me the news,we started seeing each other again,I was there for him throughout the process and now that it's all over and done with he wants nothing to do with me. But I keep questioning WHY? our last phone call was two days ago,he said that he was over this whole thing and all the drama,that I was a horrible person and that I needed to get it through my head that he wants nothing to do with me. He said that he almost gets an anxiety attack whenever he sees my name on his phone,he asked me not to contact him in anyway and I haven't.

 

I asked him to meet up and talk,he said that he didn't want to see my face. I just don't understand where all this hatred and resentment came from,I've been nothing but nice and loving,I've always been there for him in every way possible whether emotionally,physically or financially. I realize that I can be a little difficult and psychotic sometimes but I can't help it that's who I am. I'm trying to work on it I really am but it's not easy.

 

I just don't understand how he could stoop so low,I feel like all those hurtful comments were uncalled for.I don't understand how the man I love so deeply and do believe loves me back could be so cold and insensitive towards me while I've done nothing to deserve this. It's driving me crazy. I feel like I at least need some sort of I don't know SOMETHING! It has been so hard not to call or text,I keep checking my phone hoping that he'll come around. I'm grabbing my phone every other minute and struggling not to contact him. I even thought about coming up with lame excuses to call him,such as if he wanted his things that are at my place or whatever.

 

I want to understand why this happened,I want to understand why he felt the need to be so cruel,why couldn't it be at least a somewhat "clean" breakup? funny thing is,I was actually considering ending it before all this happened and now that he doesn't want me I want him more than ever! Does this make any sense at all? I've been cyber stalking him and it's driving me crazy because I'm getting nothing. No posts,no updates,nothing!it's as if he disappeared and I feel this uncontrollable need to know what's going on with him. And I just keep wondering if he misses me but I know he doesn't,because at the end of the day I'm only one phone call away,and he knows it.

 

It just makes no sense to me,things were fine. Last weekend we were out together,we had a great time! dinner,drinks,sex things were fine. A few silly arguments throughout the week and then out of the blue 2 days ago I get this.I need to understand why this happened and why so severely,why this 180 degree shift in just a matter of days and for no apparent reason! and I thought I was the one suffering from acute mood swings!

[awkward]

You will never understand because it is him and not you. He is a jerk. This isn't something new, but you are just now seeing it.

 

Take time to heal. Realize that he doesn't deserve you. Go ahead and cry. When you are done, pick yourself up and live your life. Your happiness is all that counts. His nastiness is a reflection on him.

 

You should make a commitment to yourself. Each day do something for you that helps you heal.

[Pierre]

Loving the OW as a married man is not the same once the man becomes free.

 

Freedom changes everything.

[HopingAgain]

There's many things that could have happened: He's blaming you for the breakup up his marriage (ironic and unfair, I know), he is trying to reconcile with his wife, his guilt is eating him up, or he's enjoying newfound freedom as a unattached man again. Or any combination of the aforementioned.

 

Try to keep the focus on you right now. Saying he didn't want to see your face is pretty harsh. I would take it as an indicator of how he'll likely treat you in the future even IF he does ever want to come back around. Probably in your best interest to leave him be as requested and start your own healing process.

[Goodbye]

First off, I'm sorry for your hurt and pain. It doesn't seem fair. I am guessing he now associates you with the pain and secrecy of the affair. Maybe now that he is "free" he wants to also be free of the tormented feelings that came along with a covert relationship. It probably has a whole lot less to do with YOU and more to do with the situation in which your relationship evolved.

[kareena]

Kareena the MM might just be a big jerk. He probably is at least 50% at fault for the way things went down in your relationship, but (and I say this very gently) I have had dealings with people with borderline personality disorder, one was an intimate relationship, and I can relate to how your MM says he has anxiety at times when he thinks about talking to you.

 

The borderline person I was involved with had no understanding of the damage he was doing to me with his drama, mood swings, and verbal attacks on me. He would viciously tear me down and when I would react to that and try to put some space between us, he would suddenly be offended and outraged that I was actually hurt by his behaviour. He had no empathy for me, no ability to understand my feelings or see that my reactions were a direct consequence of his behavior towards me. When he was happy he could be the sweetest, most charming, most generous, and most caring man I had ever met but when he was having a BPD episode it was hell on earth for me. It was just DRAMA, PAIN, DRAMA and PAIN. I'm not blaming you for the actions of your MM but I'm curious to know what treatment you are getting for the BPD? Most people with BPD tend to have terribly dramatic pain filled relationships until they have received enough treatment to be able to regulate their own emotional behavior. Perhaps you should just let this MM go and then give yourself a couple of years to work on yourself before you become involved with anyone else.

 

I understand that my behavior might not be ideal at times, I have a hard time dealing with my emotions properly. Everything is extreme,if I'm happy I'm dancing on the ceiling,if I'm angry I'm blinded by rage and if I'm sad I'm curled up in the corner with a bottle of vodka and my pills feeling really down.

 

I understand how this can be hard for a "normal" person to deal with,this is why I barely have any friends. But what I don't understand is how he never takes responsibility for HIS actions. If we are arguing and I'm still at a point where I can handle the conversation,he starts laughing at me,calling me childish,saying my thoughts and feelings are ridiculous and this angers me.

 

Then when I am completely raged and can't control what I say or do anymore he gets offended and everything is my fault somehow,but he pushes me there I'm not looking for excuses or justifying but he pushes me there.If I'm feeling down and have had a few too many drinks and pills he starts criticizing my behavior and calling it pathetic,starts saying things like"you are a coward for not facing reality and always trying to numb your pain" or "you are a very weak person and I need a strong woman beside me" which obviously just makes me feel worse and makes me want to get even more drunk and high than I already am. I do understand that it's hard for him,but I feel like he could have handled it better because there was a time when he did and I made so much progress and I really was better,but when he started treating me badly I spiraled down 10 times worse than before.

 

And he never wants to talk about certain things that have happened between us,while I feel the need to talk about them. I brought up the abortion a while ago,I just wanted to talk about it and he just changed the subject saying that what's done is done and there's no point in dwelling on it. How does that make ME feel?

 

I need to understand why it happened this way? why he felt the need to be so harsh? I might be difficult but I never hurt him,the most I ever did was shout a little and hang up on him and suddenly that is unbearable? I want to fix things between us,I just don't know how and he shut me out because I can't even contact him. I at least need my answers.

[Goodbye]

This is a scary unhealthy dynamic you have going. Your post is really honest, that is good. I doubt you will ever get the answers you want and you need to figure out some way to live with the unknown and move beyond it without being self destructive.

[kareena]

I know you're probably right,and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your experience.

 

I know it's all my fault,I'm messed up and I shouldn't blame him for not wanting to deal with it anymore.I just can't stop obsessing about the "whats' and the "whys". I keep hoping that he will call,and every time I check my phone my heart sinks. I just don't know what to do.

[aliveagain]

He is putting the blame of the break up up his family on you otherwise he has to accept the fact that he is the cause. Cowards like him find it easier to blame others for the problems they cause themselves. This is one of the key reasons that relationships that start due to infidelity seldom work out. What he once blamed his wife of being(the source of his unhappiness) he is now blame shifting onto you as the reason for the loss of his family. Run, girl, run. Should you ever start to be interested in another married man, please just find the thickest, best built brick wall and run into it face first, hard.

[kareena]

I guess what makes it so hard is the fact that he was always the only person who ever "got" me,u know? I felt loved and accepted and now I don't have that anymore. It makes me very sad.