Seeing my Biological Mother tomorrow...

[D-Lish]

...And I'm a little stressed over the meeting.

 

I haven't seen in her going on maybe 6 years. I met her for the first time around 15 years ago, and it was great. She ended up coming to my wedding, and we saw each other on holidays and kept in regular touch.

 

It had always felt like a piece was missing, and upon meeting her some unresolved issues seemed to come together for me.

 

The last time I saw her was just a chance meeting. She walked right past me with an elderly woman, looked right at me, then looked away like she didn't know me. I ran after her and she panicked and told me she couldn't talk to me because she was with her elderly step-mother who didn't know I existed. I walked away feeling pretty upset- like I was some dirty little secret. It was a set back for me and my reconciliation with being adopted.

 

I didn't talk to her again after that- until she recently found me on Facebook and we reconnected. I told her my reason for going MIA- and we started a dialogue again- with her explanations as to why she had pretended not to know me that day.

 

I know her mom's entire side of the family. Her dad and mom split up way before she got pregnant with me, and he remarried. She never told her dad or step mom out of fear of being disowned. Her dad was apparently strict and old fashioned- so he never knew of me. He has died recently.

 

A part of me wants to continue a relationship with her- but a part of me is just wondering if it's worth it to open up the wound.

 

I don't know- she's driving in to meet me for lunch tomorrow and I'm feeling some anxiety about seeing her again after I'd sort of closed the chapter.

[melodymatters]

I wish I had advice for you but I have some conflicted feelings of my own re: this subject.

 

But here are some {{{ hugs}}} and a bump so that maybe someone else more qualified can help.

[D-Lish]

I wish I had advice for you but I have some conflicted feelings of my own re: this subject.

 

But here are some {{{ hugs}}} and a bump so that maybe someone else more qualified can help.

 

Thanks M.

 

I keep telling myself that she must have equal issues surrounding giving me up when she was just 18- and those issues include having a father she could never tell, or risk being disowned.

 

I still have a biological father out there that has no clue who I am. That subject has always been very touchy for her- so I have always avoided it, but I'd like to know more about him.

 

That's one of the issues I have always wanted to press with her- who HE is.

[janedoe67]

I met my biological mother around 15 years ago. I had mixed feelings because I never planned to meet her, and my husband did an intense search basically ignoring my reticence. I was glad I met her for HER...she said she had spent years dreaming of a child crying and wondered if she had ruined my life.

 

I may be an oddity because I never felt conflict with being adopted, perhaps because I always knew even from small childhood. But my take is that my first priority when figuring out the boundaries of my relationship with her is what makes ME okay. It isn't my job to heal her. So I would say do what feels right and comfortable for YOU and not to do anything out of some feeling of obligation.

[D-Lish]

I met my biological mother around 15 years ago. I had mixed feelings because I never planned to meet her, and my husband did an intense search basically ignoring my reticence. I was glad I met her for HER...she said she had spent years dreaming of a child crying and wondered if she had ruined my life.

 

I may be an oddity because I never felt conflict with being adopted, perhaps because I always knew even from small childhood. But my take is that my first priority when figuring out the boundaries of my relationship with her is what makes ME okay. It isn't my job to heal her. So I would say do what feels right and comfortable for YOU and not to do anything out of some feeling of obligation.

 

Hi J, Thanks for your advice!

 

It was an exhausting day. She came around noon and left at 8pm. She literally talked NON-STOP about herself for 8 hours straight. On the few occasions she asked me a question, she'd interrupt me and continue talking about herself - I was lucky if I got more than a few sentences out here and there before being interrupted.

 

At one point I looked at my watch and it was 4:18pm- 2 HOURS LATER, she was still talking and I hadn't said more than a "ya, or uh-huh" in those 2 hours.

 

A totally draining day, lol. I don't think if anyone asked her what I am doing with my life she could tell them.

 

Oh well.

[melodymatters]

Wow. I liked Jane's advice and I guess it was pretty apropos. It looks like you did your " duty" and at least you can go back to a casual relationship and feel no guilt.

 

Unfortunately we sometimes need to do this with family of all origins, my H doesn't speak to his family and my sister, my only sibling is practically a stranger to me.

 

Thanks for coming back and letting us know how it went. I hope you feel ok about it despite being exhausted. Hang in there my friend !

[D-Lish]

Wow. I liked Jane's advice and I guess it was pretty apropos. It looks like you did your " duty" and at least you can go back to a casual relationship and feel no guilt.

 

Unfortunately we sometimes need to do this with family of all origins, my H doesn't speak to his family and my sister, my only sibling is practically a stranger to me.

 

Thanks for coming back and letting us know how it went. I hope you feel ok about it despite being exhausted. Hang in there my friend !

 

Thanks Melody.

 

I feel okay about it- I feel like she left feeling happy.

 

I guess you learn as you go about life that being blood related doesn't necessarily make you a family. It certainly makes me appreciate the parents that raised me more. I called my parents after she left and left them a message that I loved them.

 

Probably, just as you and your husband feel, the older you get, the more you want to surround yourself with the people that make you feel good when you're around them.

[skydiveaddict]

I don't know- she's driving in to meet me for lunch tomorrow and I'm feeling some anxiety about seeing her again after I'd sort of closed the chapter.

 

 

I would go for it if I were you. It's never too late too heal a relationship. Plus, you only get one shot at this life. I say take every risk you can.

[Rebellious]

d-lish, I have a similar mom situation. I tried sending you a PM.

 

I hadn't posted here for a few years, I was just cleaning out my mailbox and found a very funny message from you, dated February 2009. Anyway, PM me when you can.

[Radu]

Hi J, Thanks for your advice!

 

It was an exhausting day. She came around noon and left at 8pm. She literally talked NON-STOP about herself for 8 hours straight. On the few occasions she asked me a question, she'd interrupt me and continue talking about herself - I was lucky if I got more than a few sentences out here and there before being interrupted.

 

At one point I looked at my watch and it was 4:18pm- 2 HOURS LATER, she was still talking and I hadn't said more than a "ya, or uh-huh" in those 2 hours.

 

A totally draining day, lol. I don't think if anyone asked her what I am doing with my life she could tell them.

 

Oh well.

 

 

After reading your first 2 posts in this thread i had a tingling sensation in my fingers that this woman is trouble.

Mostly because of the way she handled seeing you with her stepmom.

She never apologized for that and let 6yrs lapse, all for not being disowned as a grownup.

 

Thanks for posting to confirm my tingling sensation.

And big hugs for going through that.

 

PS: She's a egotistical b*tch.

Edited July 15, 2013 by Radu

[D-Lish]

d-lish, I have a similar mom situation. I tried sending you a PM.

 

I hadn't posted here for a few years, I was just cleaning out my mailbox and found a very funny message from you, dated February 2009. Anyway, PM me when you can.

 

Lol, My PM has been turned off for a while. I'll add you to my contacts!

 

After reading your first 2 posts in this thread i had a tingling sensation in my fingers that this woman is trouble.

Mostly because of the way she handled seeing you with her stepmom.

She never apologized for that and let 6yrs lapse, all for not being disowned as a grownup.

 

Thanks for posting to confirm my tingling sensation.

And big hugs for going through that.

 

PS: She's a egotistical b*tch.

 

Thanks Radu. I met up with her mostly at her insistence that she wanted to reconnect with me. After our meeting, it felt like it was entirely about her, and that was just frustrating.

 

She explained that she hadn't been able to acknowledge me because her father was so disapproving. I have met the other side of her family in the past.

 

I don't know how a person could be so oblivious to how much they are talking. As I mentioned, at one point she spoke for two hours straight, just cycling through the same stories while I nodded and was maybe able to say "uh-huh, yeah".... She'd ask me a question, I'd get a sentence or two into an answer, and she'd just start talking over me to talk about herself. She didn't ask about my love-life, future plans, or what I'd been up to since I saw her last. She just literally droned on for pretty much the entire time.

 

As I was sitting across from her just staring and trying to be polite, I came to the conclusion that I had nothing in common with her. We might share some physical characteristics, but if I met her randomly and didn't know we were related, I wouldn't in a million years choose to spend time with her.

 

She's emailed to invite me out to see her place already. I'm now left with the decision on how to handle things with her in the future. I don't wish to hurt her, but I don't feel comfortable enough with her to let her know how her last visit impacted my feelings on continuing a relationship with her.

 

I appreciate the responses:)

[Lani]

D-Lish..

The one thing that really stood out to me here is that you want to know more about your biological father, and that your mother doesn't really seem to want to discuss it.

Given the way the last meeting went, and you not being sure of your feelings about a relationship with her, I think you should seriously consider really pushing the subject of your father. The way I see it, you don't really have a lot to lose by insisting on some information.

It's your life, and your father. She lost the right to keep that a secret when she had unprotected sex with him that resulted in your being here.

I don't know how much you've pushed this in the past, so please forgive me if I'm telling you things you've already heard. I just think you have the right to know and she's being selfish by not coughing up the info.

[2sure]

I gave up a daughter for adoption at birth, many years ago.

 

We reconnected 5 years ago. My family embraces her, and she us. But to her and I ...it's more of a friendship than a mother/child thing. We havent defined it.

 

We got lucky. I didn't expect her to be as much like myself and my family as she is...it's strange. Nurture vs Nature...sometimes it goes one way, sometimes another.

 

I approach our relationship with no expectations, and it works. I'm lucky , really lucky.

 

I always sort of expected her to meet me, satisfy curiosity, and go back to her life. Which would be fine, it's about what she needs. Ive told her:

 

Meeting you, holding you, knowing you are here and loved, and not unhappy...you filled a hole in my heart. If you leave my life today...that hole is still filled up.

[D-Lish]

D-Lish..

The one thing that really stood out to me here is that you want to know more about your biological father, and that your mother doesn't really seem to want to discuss it.

Given the way the last meeting went, and you not being sure of your feelings about a relationship with her, I think you should seriously consider really pushing the subject of your father. The way I see it, you don't really have a lot to lose by insisting on some information.

It's your life, and your father. She lost the right to keep that a secret when she had unprotected sex with him that resulted in your being here.

I don't know how much you've pushed this in the past, so please forgive me if I'm telling you things you've already heard. I just think you have the right to know and she's being selfish by not coughing up the info.

 

Hi Lani,

 

I've actually never pushed the question with her. I only know that she got pregnant in University, she told the person she was dating that she was pregnant, he told her she had ruined his day, and they never spoke again.

 

That's her version of the story. I've always assumed from that, that the guy was never interested in knowing anything about me.

 

She's always seemed protective about the information, and since we haven't spent a lot of time together, I've been shy about pushing the subject.

 

I had planned on asking on the last visit- but I could barely get a word in as it was. I may consider asking in an email.

 

Thanks:)

[Lani]

Hi Lani,

 

I've actually never pushed the question with her. I only know that she got pregnant in University, she told the person she was dating that she was pregnant, he told her she had ruined his day, and they never spoke again.

 

That's her version of the story. I've always assumed from that, that the guy was never interested in knowing anything about me.

 

She's always seemed protective about the information, and since we haven't spent a lot of time together, I've been shy about pushing the subject.

 

I had planned on asking on the last visit- but I could barely get a word in as it was. I may consider asking in an email.

 

Thanks:)

 

It's understandable that you feel like he didn't want anything to do with you. But just remember people change. In my opinion, it's worth asking the question.

 

Best of luck with all of this, I hope it works out for you in some way

[D-Lish]

I gave up a daughter for adoption at birth, many years ago.

 

We reconnected 5 years ago. My family embraces her, and she us. But to her and I ...it's more of a friendship than a mother/child thing. We havent defined it.

 

We got lucky. I didn't expect her to be as much like myself and my family as she is...it's strange. Nurture vs Nature...sometimes it goes one way, sometimes another.

 

I approach our relationship with no expectations, and it works. I'm lucky , really lucky.

 

I always sort of expected her to meet me, satisfy curiosity, and go back to her life. Which would be fine, it's about what she needs. Ive told her:

 

Meeting you, holding you, knowing you are here and loved, and not unhappy...you filled a hole in my heart. If you leave my life today...that hole is still filled up.

 

That's a happy ending- I think that's how I had envisioned things might progress when we met for the first time.

 

I don't remember the first visit with her being so one sided- but I was overwhelmed. She has met my parents, and brother, friends- because she came to my wedding which occurred shortly after we met. I mentioned how the latest visit went and no one was surprised- they have all said that they noticed she'd had a penchant for chattering.

 

I don't think I noticed because I wanted to know everything about her at the time.

 

In the years since we've sat and talked, I've divorced, lost a business, moved to another city. She doesn't know about any of the details- She asked about my divorce- I think I got a sentence in, and she just interrupted me and started talking about her ex-husbands. It was bizarre- and hurtful I guess. I think by the tenth time she asked a question- and I was only able to get a few words in without being interrupted- I just gave up trying to talk.

 

Just wondering 2sure, do you let her take the initiative to see you, or has it moved beyond that into something more reciprocal?

 

I feel now like she has some expectations. I feel like she is interested in me- but only as far as me existing affects her. Not sure if that makes sense.

 

Thanks for your input- it really helps to hear your perspective.

Edited July 19, 2013 by D-Lish

[2sure]

She lives a short flight away from me, in NYC which I visit often. I have family there as well. I always let her know when I'm going to be there and what my schedule is. After that, I leave it to her. We usually meet up.

 

I always extend a casual invitation and airfare offer to her around the holidays, vacations , and summer. She comes when she can/ wants.

 

I have had to explain to my family...my sisters, and their kids...that although she looks like us, acts like us, and even smells like us....she has her own authentic, natural, and valid life without us. She isn't ours . She has one mother, and it isn't me. I have one daughter and it isn't her.

 

For me to react otherwise , would essentially invalidate her and I won't do that to either of us.

 

So, I have made her aware that she has NO OBLIGATIONS to me. She and my daughter text . I extend the invitations, but I don't push. Sometimes she answers , sometimes she doesn't.

 

When we're together, she actually likes to sleep in my bed. So it's kind of a close then further thing. Whatever she wants. My family and I are fine with it and she knows it. NO obligations, just love.

[2sure]

You might consider telling her straight up:

 

I am interested in learning more about myself through you. My genetic history, my relatives. But it's important to me that it be on my terms only. That's what I need from you, can you do this for me?

 

Tell her exactly what you want and what you're boundaries are as they come up.

She really may not have a clue. She needs to think about that too.

[Rebellious]

Lol, My PM has been turned off for a while. I'll add you to my contacts!

 

WHat does that mean, do I have to add you to my conacts too?

[D-Lish]

She lives a short flight away from me, in NYC which I visit often. I have family there as well. I always let her know when I'm going to be there and what my schedule is. After that, I leave it to her. We usually meet up.

 

I always extend a casual invitation and airfare offer to her around the holidays, vacations , and summer. She comes when she can/ wants.

 

I have had to explain to my family...my sisters, and their kids...that although she looks like us, acts like us, and even smells like us....she has her own authentic, natural, and valid life without us. She isn't ours . She has one mother, and it isn't me. I have one daughter and it isn't her.

 

For me to react otherwise , would essentially invalidate her and I won't do that to either of us.

 

So, I have made her aware that she has NO OBLIGATIONS to me. She and my daughter text . I extend the invitations, but I don't push. Sometimes she answers , sometimes she doesn't.

 

When we're together, she actually likes to sleep in my bed. So it's kind of a close then further thing. Whatever she wants. My family and I are fine with it and she knows it. NO obligations, just love.

 

Wow, that's a post that speaks to me about a perspective I've not yet known. Thank-you.

 

I know my bio-mother refers to me as her daughter, at some moments I'm okay with it, at other moments I feel strange about it. I have always struggled between the curiosity of my birth parents and feelings of guilt with regard to my parents.

 

I think you handle things perfectly. Being adopted, you grow up with some internal struggles. You think those struggles will stop once you satisfy your curiosity- but they don't entirely. I think you understand those struggles and that's why you have a great connection.

 

I guess the last time we met, I wanted to have something reciprocal- a really good back-and-forth. I had questions, I had so much to say, and I wanted to hear all about her too. It was really disappointing to sit there listening and nodding for 8 hours straight about her life.

 

Thanks again, hearing your perspective helps a lot.

[Radu]

In your case D-Lish, i think it was all about her, which shows how little she has learned at her age.

[janedoe67]

I am sorry things didn't go so well. It is a weird place to be in, to have all these...pieces. I have some friends who have heard "the whole story" and they always have these saucer eyes lol

 

I do hope you get some clarity and information about your biological father. It is nice to have some pieces from both sides in place.

[Journee]

I just want to say that I am sorry that you experienced that. I am also adopted and reconnected with my biological mother almost three years ago. We had a falling out as well. I struggle with when, if ,how to reconnect. It is SO hard to build that trust back up. I know how you feel when you say that you felt like dirty little secret. Your face burning hot and feeling embarrassed and confused. Like what you thought you had with her ,some sort of against time and odds connection, was gone.

 

I just want you to know you are not alone.

 

((((Dlish))))

[2sure]

You know, Im not sure if this will apply to the "dirty little secret" feeling I know some reconnected adoptees feel...but Im going to offer what I have:

 

My immediate family all know and embrace my ...(what do I call her here? Her and I BOTH struggle with this name/defining thing) .. the daughter Ive reconnected with. By immediate family I mean my siblings and their children. I was estranged from my family at the time of her birth but my sisters were aware of the adoption. Since then we have become very close and they have shared my struggle over the years as well as my joy at reconnecting. However - I waited to tell the sibling I still am not close to. I didnt see any benefit to it until my daughter and I were solid.

 

Additionally - my family has an extended family as well as very close family friends. My sisters wanted to share the "good news" with everyone. While I definitely appreciate their enthusiasm, I had to explain that this was My news to share and that while not secret , definitely personal. I choose with whom to share this relationship, which is a personal part of my life and has an effect on VERY few.

 

Since then, my daughter and I have attended events together with some of this "extended network". PRIOR to the event I asked her how she felt about not everyone knowing her exact relationship to me, my family. If she wanted me to shout it from the roodtops, if thats what she needed, I would have. Her response was that...its just too much to be constantly explaining as we go. So, we tell people as we feel like it.

 

She is not a secret, she just isnt everyones business.

[2sure]

I also wanted to add that when people find out you have given a child up for adoption...they make all kinds of assumptions and judgements. For a person who is not extremely secure and confident in their own skin - (or able to fake it! ) sharing this information can be excruciating.

 

And sometimes for me it is - but I just suck it up and deal with it.

She is amazing. I have no one to answer to but her.