BP ex came back

[drake13]

Hey I'm new to these forums, I've followed a few threads for the past few weeks and decided to join up.

 

I won't go in to a lot of detail, my fiance of 3 years left me a few months before our wedding had been arranged, that was 3 and a half months a go, she's been dealing with bi polar disorder since she was a teenager and I've always tried to understand that part of her, our relationship was great and then it wasn't, her moods would change months at a time, seasonal changes brought about deep depression for her, she was really hard to handle, her attitude would range from being positive and loving to cold and spiteful.

 

During our time together she left me a few times, it would come out of nowhere and it would seem like she was grasping at straws for reasons, she would leave for maybe 2 or 3 weeks at a time, I wouldn't hear anything from her then she would reappear again having gotten something out of her system (I never asked any questions).

 

The last time she disappeared it was the final time, it had been a month and I was waiting for her to turn up again, her friend texted me saying she saw my ex fiance kissing and hugging another man, after pressing for more answers it turns out she left me for this man, I'd been very calm and collected about the break up and stayed away from her until this point, I texted her saying "I know the truth, I hope he makes you happy, god knows I tried to you selfish bitch", I never got a reply and I never heard from her again until now.

 

I'd worked a night shift and was getting up for my morning coffee, at this point I was waking up not even thinking about her anymore, I hear a knock at my door and I figure it's a sales person so I ignore it then my phone lights up and it's a text from her saying "Please come to the door", I was shell shocked but I gathered myself and answered the door, I let her in and before I could say anything to her she starts crying saying she missed me and she's sorry, I was at a loss for words, I thought she'd only come over to return the engagement ring, we sit down and she explains she had a severe manic episode and because she wasn't happy with her life and her job she reflected it on our relationship and made a huge mistake, for the first time since I've known her I cried in front of her and couldn't control myself, she got down on her knees in front of me and asked me to take her back, I said I didn't know if I could trust her again and she had to leave me alone to figure it out.

 

She said she understood and left, she's been texting and calling since, I've ignored it completely, I love her and I want to be married to her but the better part of me is telling me to keep moving on and don't look back, should I take her back? or should I walk away completely?, I don't know what path to take, it all seems surreal to me, I thought she was gone for good this time and I felt like I'd moved passed all of this.

[aisuru]

Are you okay with allowing this amount of turmoil in your life forever? Are you okay with her disappearing when she feels so inclined?

 

If not, you will need to walk away.

 

I'm sorry. I know how much this hurts.

[sdraw108]

I suspect you already know the answer, but would like others to say it to you anyway to reaffirm it. So: walk away. Do not marry this girl unless you are seeking out a lifetime of misery and/or a divorce in your future. You said it yourself - she goes cold for months at a time and this is not the first time she has disappeared on you. It will happen again. And again. And again.

 

It sounds like you were already making good progress at moving on. This has been a setback for sure, but you can get back to where you were, and beyond, and then find someone who will treat you with respect.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

It is a challenge to have a relationship with someone who is bi polar. Some of what you describe are fairly typical mania. But someone who is bi polar has to be willing to help keep themselves on track. Have doctor, take their meds, sometimes go to inpatient care to regulate their meds.

 

What worries me about your story is that infidelity, while a common symptom of mania (like over spend and not sleeping) is still infidelity. Someone who uses external validation as a coping mechanism for being unhappy, will continue to do so unless that behavior is consciously resolved.

 

One other problem with the mania part is that you feel GREAT so it's hard to get someone to realize they need help.

 

I am absolutely not saying a relationship with a person with a brain disease is not worth it...just understand what you are dealing with.

[darkmoon]

BPD is controllable, not curable, but I will put it like this...I had a friend who had BPD, okay, but he could relate to another friend in a calm manner, me not, look, unless your girlfriend decides to think before she speaks, you will be subject to mood swings whose manifestation can be evened out, but won't be, there is medication available, which not all BPD sufferers want, but there are ways of calming down

[drake13]

Thank you for the advice guys, I knew what I was getting in to when we got together so I don't think bad of her for anything, the part that tells me to move on is the cheating and leaving me for another man part, she tells me it's over now and it meant nothing to her, I'm not sure i can forget about that, she has been on and off medication since I've known her, certain medication didn't agree with her, some gave her panic and anxiety, her doctor refered her for cognitive behaviour therapy and it helped, I love her, as hard as her bp has been to handle, I grew to love that side of her too, I need to think long and hard before I can come to a decision.

[BC1980]

Like the other posters have said, you need to come to terms with what your future will be with this woman. Based on what you have said, it would not be surprising if she wanted a divorce one day, then changed her mind or cheated on you. This is a lot of turmoil.

 

It can be so very hard to be in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness. For me, it would be hard to come to terms with the unknown future. She might change her mind tomorrow for all you know.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Thank you for the advice guys, I knew what I was getting in to when we got together so I don't think bad of her for anything, the part that tells me to move on is the cheating and leaving me for another man part, she tells me it's over now and it meant nothing to her, I'm not sure i can forget about that, she has been on and off medication since I've known her, certain medication didn't agree with her, some gave her panic and anxiety, her doctor refered her for cognitive behaviour therapy and it helped, I love her, as hard as her bp has been to handle, I grew to love that side of her too, I need to think long and hard before I can come to a decision.

 

The cheating really is the issue then. (Good, I have family that are bi-polar, and it can be a challenge, but wouldn't change them if I could.)

 

Poor coping mechanisms have to be addressed and fixed. This is why people say once a cheater, always a cheater. The issue is that cheating is a poor coping mechanism to stress, low self esteem, grief, whatever. But unless it is addressed it is the defacto mechanism. For some reason, people accept it, because the spouse is (insert personal flaw here) so cheating is fair game.

 

Just like in situations where there is no brain disease, you have to feel that it's worth it, that the cheater recognise and are prepared to do the work. You said she said it meant nothing, but does she understand the pain she caused you?

[drake13]

I'm strong enough to handle most aspects of her disorder, cheating isn't one of them, before this the worst she'd ever done was flirt over texts and Facebook with strangers, I didn't snoop, she would openly tell me and ask me to go to the doctor with her for help, she lacked empathy in a situation where she would do wrong but not in everyday life (if that makes sense), I haven't asked her if she understands how I feel, I've only asked her to give me time and space to figure it out, other than cheating her main coping methods was shopping for expensive products and sleeping for 12-14 hours at a time, there was hell to pay if I ever woke her from her slumber lol, other than the cheating I don't think I could stand by how easily she cuts me off from her life, in this stage she acts like she's the happiest she's ever been because she is without me.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Sorry. Please take care of yourself. And if you do decide to take her back, please require she commit to regular medical and psychiatric care.

[Emilia]

she's been dealing with bi polar disorder since she was a teenager and I've always tried to understand that part of her, our relationship was great and then it wasn't, her moods would change months at a time, seasonal changes brought about deep depression for her, she was really hard to handle, her attitude would range from being positive and loving to cold and spiteful.

 

During our time together she left me a few times, it would come out of nowhere and it would seem like she was grasping at straws for reasons, she would leave for maybe 2 or 3 weeks at a time, I wouldn't hear anything from her then she would reappear again having gotten something out of her system (I never asked any questions).

This sounds more like Borderline Personality Disorder.

[drake13]

Thank you for all the replies it helps, right now I'm leaning in the other direction, for as long as I've known her I've kept my problems and my feelings to myself in an effort to protect her feelings, she always believed I was fine, most people did, I was the only one who didn't believe me, I can't live with that in the long term.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Good. Either way, take care of you.

[Emilia]

Thank you for all the replies it helps, right now I'm leaning in the other direction, for as long as I've known her I've kept my problems and my feelings to myself in an effort to protect her feelings, she always believed I was fine, most people did, I was the only one who didn't believe me, I can't live with that in the long term.

No. That's a codependent tendency and it's something you need to learn to avoid.

[drake13]

I suspected that, I've noticed some personality disorders share similar traits, thank you for the advice, I'll remember that for the future.

[Mrlonelyone]

You need to realize she will always be bipolar. Make her agree to a pre-nup which includes clauses saying you can divorce her with joint custody of children and limited support payments if she does not get in and stay in treatment for the duration of your marriage.

 

She cheated on you due to bipolar. Real love can be defined as seeing someone's dark side and choosing to love them still. If you choose to love this woman know that this is something you will both struggle with for life.

[drake13]

Thank you mr lonely one, what you said is really insightful, that would of been great advice if I hadn't just finished telling her I couldn't take her back, when I found out she left me for another man, I couldn't wrap my head around it, it was all I could think about for a month and it was the most painful experience I had ever gone through, she will always be bi polar and I was ready to deal with that in our marriage, I love her but she was gone for a long time and I moved on from it in that time, had she come back 2 months a go it might have been different story, she said she isn't going to give up on me and she is going to change my mind, is it wrong that I feel bad for ignoring her?.

[Emilia]

is it wrong that I feel bad for ignoring her?.

it is the sign of your codependent tendency

 

I don't think cheating can be blamed on a mental illness by the way.

[drake13]

Thanks Emilia, I have to work on that and put myself first this time, I thought I was being supportive to her, I'm starting to think that gave her the licence to do whatever she wanted to do because she knew I would be there to support her, your insight helped me in my decision, I'm thankful for that.

[Emilia]

Thanks Emilia, I have to work on that and put myself first this time, I thought I was being supportive to her, I'm starting to think that gave her the licence to do whatever she wanted to do because she knew I would be there to support her, your insight helped me in my decision, I'm thankful for that.

 

Codependency - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[drake13]

I read through that when you first mentioned it, it made me realise I seek self validation from everybody around me, I need psychological help for it, the first step was distancing myself from her.

[BC1980]

It's a slippery slope when you start giving someone a pass for cheating based on a mental illness. Because where do you draw the line? I'm not saying that her bipolar disorder didn't, in some way, contribute to her cheating, but how much will you tolerate?

 

Mental illness of one of the saddest things because it destroys relationships, and, sometimes, it isn't entirely the person's fault. She didn't choose to have bipolar disorder. If I were you, I would bow out just because I couldn't take all the uncertainty and drama. This is a sad, sad situation.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

It's a slippery slope when you start giving someone a pass for cheating based on a mental illness. Because where do you draw the line? I'm not saying that her bipolar disorder didn't, in some way, contribute to her cheating, but how much will you tolerate?

 

Mental illness of one of the saddest things because it destroys relationships, and, sometimes, it isn't entirely the person's fault. She didn't choose to have bipolar disorder. If I were you, I would bow out just because I couldn't take all the uncertainty and drama. This is a sad, sad situation.

 

I agree, even though one of the key diagnosis sighs for mania is being hyper sexual (anonymous, multi partner, infidelity). It is still a choice. Unhealthy, disfunctional choice, but a choice. Just like refusing to care properly for the condition.

 

So just kinda hit me, hope you got tested for STDs cause unfortunately, this kind of coping mechanism doesn't usually just "pop up" one day.

 

Take care of yourself, you are doing good.

[drake13]

Thank you for the support guys, it's pushing me forward, her sex drive confused me, at one point she couldn't get enough and then it would dry up, I wore protection at all times so I think I'll be okay, it is a sad situation, I never reached out to her after she left, I learned to cope and I'm a stronger person now, I can turn her away and feel okay, she texted me before saying if I didn't want her the other guy would, I can't go back to that attitude, she never came after me unless it was with a knife.