Is this jealousy or something else?

[Devildog]

I have been dealing with alot of issues I have in my marriage lately, one of which being Jealousy. But I am not sure if a particular aspect that gets me upset is jealousy or not.

 

My wife is an attractive woman. She gets hit on constantly by guys that work in her building. Most of them back off when she tells them she is married to a Marine. But some of her co-workers, who know she is married, constantly make sexually harrassing comments. And she works for the Federal Govt.!!! Constant comments about the color and style of her underwear, stuff like that. I want to go after these guys for not showing my wife enough respect to keep their comments to themselves. My wife doesn't say anything because she doesn't want to get anyone in trouble and doesn't want to be a rat or something about it, so she lets it slide and it continues.

 

I also get mad when we go out and some drunk decides to get "handsy" or something. We were at a wedding this past weekend and a friend of ours brought a "date" along. My wife wanted to give this friend her cell phone number so she could call sometime. She gave it to the friends date to give to her and made that perfectly clear to him. But this idiot drunk decided my wife was looking at getting hit on. Kept trying to grind up against her on the dance floor and putting his arm around her shoulder when she was standing by the bar. I was ready to knock the guy into next week!!

 

I just think it is very disrespectful for a guy to do things like this to a married woman when he has been told she is married and isn't interested.

 

So is this a jealousy issue or something else. Is this normal and healthy to feel this way?

[bluechocolate]

Reminds me of that song - "When You're In Love with a Beautiful Woman"

 

I suppose one way you could look at it is that everyone wants her, but you've got her! If your relationship is sound then accept that she can hold her own and let it slide.

 

I just think it is very disrespectful for a guy to do things like this to a married woman when he has been told she is married and isn't interested.

 

It is, but there is no accounting for other peoples actions. I guess you realise that if you did start knocking people into next week you could end up in jail & with no career.

 

However, I do think that she shouldn't put up with sexual comments from men at her work place. She doesn't have to tell on them but should make it clear that it is not appreciated & very unprofessional & if they don't stop there could be consequences. You'd think that working for the government people would know this! Maybe she could go to the Personnel Department & ask them to initiate the circulation of a general memo reminding everyone of appropriate & inappropriate comments in the work place & what actions can & will be taken. Then when guys say something she could tell them to remember the memo.

 

Of course these comments could be a general style of banter that goes on in her particular field (is this a macho environment?) and she may think she's just being "one of the boys". How does she respond to these comments? Regardless, they are still inappropriate & really shouldn't happen. I'm curious as to how you know this? If she knows it upsets you & she herself is not terribly concerned about it, why does she tell you stuff like that?

[Devildog]

If you were aware of how things are in the federal govt. these days. It is predominantly women in the workforce. I think until someone actually gets slapped for the sexual harrasment things won't change there. They have training twice a year on what is acceptable and not acceptable in the work place and they walk out of the class and start right up. She tells me these things because she wants me to know what is going on.

 

I want to knock these guys into next week. I don't because I know there will be legal reprecussions if I do.

 

You didn't actually answer the question though. Is that classified as jealousy or would that be something else?

[dizi]

You are angry that these men are doing these things (and getting away with them). If she were letting you know that she were enjoying it, THEN maybe I could define your feelings as jealousy. It's too bad she doesn't carry herself as one who deserves respect. I think you're irrate, and any married man would feel that way, I think. Consider yourself "normal".

[bluechocolate]

I think you're irrate, and any married man would feel that way, I think. Consider yourself "normal".

 

agreed.

[Devildog]

Thanks for the input. Just wanted to make sure I wasn't being a bad person for feeling that way.

[Karina]

I dont think its jealousy on your part. Your just concerned about the men around your wife when YOUR not around. Which is perfectly understandable. Your wife in the other hand, should make it clear to these men who make herrasing comments to her, that if they dont BACK OFF you will make sure THEY DO!. My husband of 5yrs is the same way. Everywhere we go, guys like to look, and talk about how attractive i am. But that just ticks my husband off. I make sure when he's not around that it is PERFECTLY CLEAR i am off limits. some guys see it as a challenge and try to pursue it in different ways, but they all get turned down. Others back off and respect that I RESPECT my marriage. IF i was you instead of getting all worked up over something NATURAL, have a talk with your wife and make sure she's on the same page as you are. Make sure she IS making her self clear, and make sure this STOPS NOW!

 

 

-Kari

[Devildog]

She does make herself clear except with the work situation. Like I said she doesn't want to get anyone in trouble at work and end up being seen as a rat and ostricized for it.

 

I have always told myself that I didn't feel that this was a jealousy issue. That it is a case that I have a beautiful and wonderful wife and I think people should respect her and the fact that she is married and not interested. I just want to make sure that I haven't been trying to justify away problems that I might have.