When you just aren't happy

[youngnlove89]

I've always had trust issues. And lately I've been emotionally unstable with stress and PTSD.

 

I went to my boyfriends last night. I came over happy and jittered, I will admit I was a little hyper. I was just excited to see him. He just got back from his trip with his friends for his birthday and was tired (I couldn't go because I was working and plus it was all just guys). He was lazy and boring. We were supposed to celebrate his belated birthday, go to dinner and a movie. We ended up going to just dinner. Which was nothing special. He knocked me down for being too hyper so I was kind of quiet the rest of the time. He was moody and said that it was probably because he was hungry. We agreed to forgo the movie and watch one at home instead. Went to bed around 10pm. No sex. Nothing. I am emotionally and sexually frustrated.

 

Before this, I looked on his computer while he was fixing stuff on his truck outside. His email was up and I saw that he was emailing an ex gf. I didn't see anything suspicious, just that he sent her some links to sleeping bags that cost around 200+. He likes to go camping. And this kind of made me question things. He goes camping with his buddies and he has pictures to prove it. But why is he sending her pictures of sleeping bags? Another thing is he told me he hasn't talked to her in weeks. But clearly he has. Why is he lying to me?

 

I didn't have a chance to dig deeper because he came back in the house. I know it was wrong to dig. But I just had too. Maybe that's indication that I have the issue and I need to resolve it. I know I shouldn't have looked. But let's not focus on that.

 

Anyways we were laying in bed and I couldn't sleep. I had too much on my mind. I woke up and I told him how I felt about how the night went and I wasn't happy. I told him how I wanted to come over, have a good time, have sex, have fun and celebrate his birthday. I didn't mention anything about the emails, but just told him that I wasn't happy and I felt like something was wrong with him.

 

He was sleepy and tried defending himself. Said sorry he was just tired. Said he just didn't feel like sex but it doesn't mean anything since we just had sex two nights ago. It was a useless meaningless conversation. I found myself going to bed frustrated and unhappy.

 

I'm not happy anymore. I don't know whether it's because of my relationship or this PTSD from my rape. I just don't know. I'm depressed.

 

But things have been going well before last night with my bf and I. They really have! I mean he has been more attentive than ever. But last night set me off. He has been trying to make things work. Maybe he was really just tired and not in the mood. Who knows? Maybe our relationship is getting dull and boring.

 

And now I'm left feeling insecure about this ex of his and why he lied to me. That's a big NO NO for me. I won't be cheated on again. Ever. I won't be made a fool of.

 

I just want out. And I don't know what I mean when I say that.

Edited July 11, 2013 by youngnlove89

[youngnlove89]

It's his birthday he can sleep if he wants to. Why are you guys even talking to ex's?

 

I'm not talking to any ex's. He said he wasn't talking to her. But the email proves otherwise. Who knows what is on his phone.

[Els]

Well, I think it's a good idea in general to learn to 'buffer' oneself from isolated incidents. Sometimes people really are just tired and not in the mood for sex. I mean, you've been together for a few years, it can happen once in a while, no? You seem to be swinging from one extreme to another, from very happy and very much in love, to wanting out after one crummy night. And I can be guilty of that too and have to make a conscious effort not to do that, so trust me, I know it when I see it.

 

Now, on to the ex issue. It seems a bit of a reach to say that he might be cheating because of some links to purchase sleeping bags. On the other hand, you are right in that he shouldn't have lied about not talking to his ex.

 

How are his actions like the rest of the time?

[youngnlove89]

Well, I think it's a good idea in general to learn to 'buffer' oneself from isolated incidents. Sometimes people really are just tired and not in the mood for sex. I mean, you've been together for a few years, it can happen once in a while, no? You seem to be swinging from one extreme to another, from very happy and very much in love, to wanting out after one crummy night. And I can be guilty of that too and have to make a conscious effort not to do that, so trust me, I know it when I see it.

 

I've noticed I am very up and down in this relationship. I don't know if it is the relationship or just me and my depression. I hope it's not because I have BP or something.

 

Now, on to the ex issue. It seems a bit of a reach to say that he might be cheating because of some links to purchase sleeping bags. On the other hand, you are right in that he shouldn't have lied about not talking to his ex.

 

Yea, I don't think he would betray me, but I didn't think that of my other ex either and he kept a tight secret for a long time. Come to find out, he cheated. I just don't want that to be the case this time. But the lying part is what gets me. Why lie? He knows I don't like him talking to an ex so maybe that's why he doesn't tell me he is, to protect my feelings? He said it's completely platonic.

 

How are his actions like the rest of the time?

 

As of late...he has been really attentive. More loving. I think I was just set off from last night. I expected a great time and didn't get it. I expected birthday sex and he didn't want any. I think what upset me is that he went and celebrated his bday with his friends, stayed up late, drank, had fun. and then with me, we just were lazy and went to dinner and then went to bed early. I guess just jealous that i didn't get to spend a good time with him for his bday.

[jphcbpa]

I guess just jealous that i didn't get to spend a good time with him for his bday.

 

I can understand this..you took it personal. But good for you to recognize that this has to do with you and your expectations.

 

The emailing an ex is another story and should be addressed. If that is a no no and a non-negotiable then he needs to know that behavior is not acceptable and a deal breaker if it continues.

[Els]

I've noticed I am very up and down in this relationship. I don't know if it is the relationship or just me and my depression. I hope it's not because I have BP or something.

 

Could be that this R triggers the worst in you, yes. Worth looking into.

 

As of late...he has been really attentive. More loving. I think I was just set off from last night. I expected a great time and didn't get it. I expected birthday sex and he didn't want any. I think what upset me is that he went and celebrated his bday with his friends, stayed up late, drank, had fun. and then with me, we just were lazy and went to dinner and then went to bed early. I guess just jealous that i didn't get to spend a good time with him for his bday.

 

Well, I would have called him a jerk if it had been YOUR birthday. But it's his birthday, you had to work, so he went out and had fun, probably overindulged in the drink a little. I'd give him a bit of a pass on that.

 

You know, I've been reading your recent threads, and I think you're in a raw and vulnerable emotional state right now. What I would advise you to do, would be to compartmentalize - you can think about his ex and this R and whether or not it is right for you, later - for tonight and tomorrow, make it all about you. Okay? See to your emotional health. Pamper yourself. Call up a friend. If time permits, go out and do something fun.

 

Let everything else subside first.

[youngnlove89]

I can understand this..you took it personal. But good for you to recognize that this has to do with you and your expectations.

 

The emailing an ex is another story and should be addressed. If that is a no no and a non-negotiable then he needs to know that behavior is not acceptable and a deal breaker if it continues.

 

Yea, but how can I tell him that I looked through his personal email and found that? I can't let him know I did that. That will create more fuss than anything else.

[pteromom]

Yes, expectations!

 

You had a picture in your mind about what the evening SHOULD have been, and when reality didn't measure up, you were left let-down and disappointed.

 

But your hurt feelings do not mean he intended to hurt your feelings.

 

That he was tired and didn't want sex does NOT mean he doesn't care about you.

 

You need to think about your expectations, and also how much validation you need in order to feel loved. It should be OK for you guys to do your own thing and not even talk together for a whole evening, and still know you love each other.

 

If you are needing constant affection in order to feel loved, that is going to be really draining for him. As is you talking about how unhappy you are every time he is in a bad mood or tired.

 

You need to have some confidence in your relationship, or what do you have?

 

As far as the ex... I would note it and move forward. I don't get a bad vibe from it, but the fact that he lied about it COULD be a red flag. Or it could be that he wanted to avoid the conversation where you are jealous and freaking out about him simply giving an ex some camping equipment advice.

[pteromom]

The emailing an ex is another story and should be addressed. If that is a no no and a non-negotiable then he needs to know that behavior is not acceptable and a deal breaker if it continues.

 

I disagree. I think it should be let go, and I wouldn't bring it up at all, nor would I say I went through his email.

[jphcbpa]

Yea, but how can I tell him that I looked through his personal email and found that? I can't let him know I did that. That will create more fuss than anything else.

 

Perhaps not at this moment because you are too emotional about it right now. A better approach might be to have the conversation in the future when the topic of an ex or boundries comes up. At that time you could mention that you would not be comfortable with him emailing an ex. However, after 3 years, you should be able to have a candid conversation with your partner.

[youngnlove89]

Could be that this R triggers the worst in you, yes. Worth looking into.

 

 

 

Well, I would have called him a jerk if it had been YOUR birthday. But it's his birthday, you had to work, so he went out and had fun, probably overindulged in the drink a little. I'd give him a bit of a pass on that.

 

You know, I've been reading your recent threads, and I think you're in a raw and vulnerable emotional state right now. What I would advise you to do, would be to compartmentalize - you can think about his ex and this R and whether or not it is right for you, later - for tonight and tomorrow, make it all about you. Okay? See to your emotional health. Pamper yourself. Call up a friend. If time permits, go out and do something fun.

 

Let everything else subside first.

 

 

Thank you. You are a really kind person.

 

I definitely need to work on myself. I need a break.

[youngnlove89]

Yes, expectations!

 

You had a picture in your mind about what the evening SHOULD have been, and when reality didn't measure up, you were left let-down and disappointed.

 

But your hurt feelings do not mean he intended to hurt your feelings.

 

That he was tired and didn't want sex does NOT mean he doesn't care about you.

 

You need to think about your expectations, and also how much validation you need in order to feel loved. It should be OK for you guys to do your own thing and not even talk together for a whole evening, and still know you love each other.

 

If you are needing constant affection in order to feel loved, that is going to be really draining for him. As is you talking about how unhappy you are every time he is in a bad mood or tired.

 

You need to have some confidence in your relationship, or what do you have?

 

As far as the ex... I would note it and move forward. I don't get a bad vibe from it, but the fact that he lied about it COULD be a red flag. Or it could be that he wanted to avoid the conversation where you are jealous and freaking out about him simply giving an ex some camping equipment advice.

 

Thanks. You are right. I was freaking out over nothing. But my emotions have been scattered lately. I don't react correctly.

 

I guess I'm very dependent of him. If he doesn't show love, I wonder if something is wrong.

[candie13]

Hey, girl

 

I am very similar to you, and than some. The trick is to understand what's producing this anxiety. IS it him? Is it something he should do, but he's not doing? Is it you? What is it?

 

It's not normal to have these highs and lows. A relationship is supposed to make you feel better, not worst than when you're by yourself. If you cannot manage your insecurities and he is dragging you down, than maybe it's a good idea to stop seeing him.

 

If I were you, I'd have a very open and honest discussion. The moment other people get involved, your relationship is going down the drain fast. From my experience, the worst thing you could possibly do is not talk about the email. LEt him explain. Explore, talk, confront your fears, how else are you gonna get over them?

 

It takes a lot of courage to do that, btw.

 

Best of luck

[jphcbpa]

Hey, girl

 

I am very similar to you, and than some. The trick is to understand what's producing this anxiety. IS it him? Is it something he should do, but he's not doing? Is it you? What is it?

 

It's not normal to have these highs and lows. A relationship is supposed to make you feel better, not worst than when you're by yourself. If you cannot manage your insecurities and he is dragging you down, than maybe it's a good idea to stop seeing him.

 

If I were you, I'd have a very open and honest discussion. The moment other people get involved, your relationship is going down the drain fast. From my experience, the worst thing you could possibly do is not talk about the email. LEt him explain. Explore, talk, confront your fears, how else are you gonna get over them?

 

It takes a lot of courage to do that, btw.

 

Best of luck

 

Agree with this. Also try to view your b/f as your greatest teacher. He is helping bring up the issues that you need to work on. Perhaps you have always been this way and you are just now facing it/feeling it. The insecurity will always be there even if you leave this R. Where ever you go, there you are. Deal with this now. Do not run away and do not cope in other ways by disctracting yourself. If you are single you will not be so driven to face this. Think of this as a blessing and a good thing. Focus on you, taking care of you, loving yourself, learning/growing.

[youngnlove89]

Hey, girl

 

I am very similar to you, and than some. The trick is to understand what's producing this anxiety. IS it him? Is it something he should do, but he's not doing? Is it you? What is it?

 

It's not normal to have these highs and lows. A relationship is supposed to make you feel better, not worst than when you're by yourself. If you cannot manage your insecurities and he is dragging you down, than maybe it's a good idea to stop seeing him.

 

If I were you, I'd have a very open and honest discussion. The moment other people get involved, your relationship is going down the drain fast. From my experience, the worst thing you could possibly do is not talk about the email. LEt him explain. Explore, talk, confront your fears, how else are you gonna get over them?

 

It takes a lot of courage to do that, btw.

 

Best of luck

 

 

Very true. I'm just nervous to how he will react.

 

I didn't mention that I read another email. I actually forwarded it to myself to read later because I knew I didn't have time to read it to myself on his computer. It was an email from a girl that he used to be roommates with and it turned into more. They slept together and stuff.

 

From her:

Hey, Thought I'd see how you are. You were in my dream last night made me think of ya. Hope all is well in sunny AZ!

Kels

 

From him:

Hey you! I'm doing well. I've been very busy workin 60+ hrs a week. Saving for my house. Almost there! What was your dream about?

 

From her:

Wow that's a lot of overtime. Your a work horse. So you are buying a house or remodeling? It was one of those dreams where you can't really remember details (like it doesn't make sense) but you can see the people in it.

From him:

i hear ya. wish you remembered! I'm buying a house! getting closer and closer, gotta go talk to someone tomorrow about it. How ya been? getting closer to come to oregon aren't ya?

From her:

That is so exciting! I wish we were getting closer to buying a house, but it will be a long time. You'll have to send pictures. Yep two weeks and we are going to OR. Glad to go home for a few weeks and get some things done. We are leaving our dog in AK since it cost so much to take her back and forth, hate leaving her lol.

Last week I had to take her up to Anchorage to the vet. She got a hold of a chicken bone and was not feeling well. She had an xray and it showed the bone in the colon, which is to the point where it should come out without complications. An unplanned trip was not something very fun but it put my mind at ease.

 

I purchased Beachbody's T25 workout program and am excited for that to arrive. Having a program that's 30 minutes instead of an hour (P90x) should get us to make time for it better and do it!

 

Decided to keep growing my hair out until December and then cut off 10 inches and donate to Locks of Love. Always thought it'd be neat to do that and since it's already so long, might as well keep going and donate if I'm going to chop it off again lol.

 

Did I tell you my friend Tamra is getting married in December? My first, and one of the only (besides Megan), weddings I'll be in the bridal party :-)

 

Well hope your getting enough rest with your crazy work hours! My mom practically does the same with her job, 7am-9pm most days.

Kels

 

That was sent a week ago and he didn't say anything back.

 

I'm not too worried about that one. I think she is married. And it seemed very friendly, but you can tell she still has feelings for him. It's obvious. I know that when he went back home he did visit her and they hung out. Not sure of anything else.

[youngnlove89]

Agree with this. Also try to view your b/f as your greatest teacher. He is helping bring up the issues that you need to work on. Perhaps you have always been this way and you are just now facing it/feeling it. The insecurity will always be there even if you leave this R. Where ever you go, there you are. Deal with this now. Do not run away and do not cope in other ways by disctracting yourself. If you are single you will not be so driven to face this. Think of this as a blessing and a good thing. Focus on you, taking care of you, loving yourself, learning/growing.

 

thank you. How do I do that while in a relationship without ruining it?

[candie13]

girl, going through his emails once is one thing... but keeping him on a watch... that's not healthy!!!

 

there are no guarantees about what to do in a relationship and not break it. Your main worry should be linked to yourself and what makes you feel better. You're good, the relationship's good.

[tman666]

While the emails don't sound flirty (especially from his end of things), my personal feelings are that this kind of communication is basically inappropriate with an ex. While it may be benign right now, this kind of stuff leaves the door open to developing deeper emotions.

 

I just don't see any good reason to maintain contact with her. I know others here might disagree with me, and that's fine. I just know how I would feel in that situation. Again, I'm not saying that your bf is cheating on you or even would, but I just don't think that maintaining contact with ex's is ok in a committed relationship. I'm not sure I'd bring it up with him though. Just keep an eye on it and see where it goes.

 

Regarding your issues: my sister has a form of BPD and her relationships tend to suffer from it. While your condition may be different and caused by different things, I'm sorry that you're having to deal it.

 

One thing I noticed with my sister is that her "episodes" tend to be much more dramatic when she's in a relationship with someone. She's a very passionate and loving person, and she expects she same level of passion out of her partners, which I think causes a lot of friction.

 

I'm not suggesting that you break up with your bf, but I think that it would be prudent to step back and take a long view of how you might go about resolving your issues. These very well might be issues that you deal with for the rest of your life. Even if that ends up being the case, you will have to find ways to learn to minimize the negative consequence it has on you.

 

If being in a relationship clouds your vision of being able to find more stable footing in your life, it may not be the best thing right now.

[youngnlove89]

While the emails don't sound flirty (especially from his end of things), my personal feelings are that this kind of communication is basically inappropriate with an ex. While it may be benign right now, this kind of stuff leaves the door open to developing deeper emotions.

 

I just don't see any good reason to maintain contact with her. I know others here might disagree with me, and that's fine. I just know how I would feel in that situation. Again, I'm not saying that your bf is cheating on you or even would, but I just don't think that maintaining contact with ex's is ok in a committed relationship. I'm not sure I'd bring it up with him though. Just keep an eye on it and see where it goes.

 

Regarding your issues: my sister has a form of BPD and her relationships tend to suffer from it. While your condition may be different and caused by different things, I'm sorry that you're having to deal it.

 

One thing I noticed with my sister is that her "episodes" tend to be much more dramatic when she's in a relationship with someone. She's a very passionate and loving person, and she expects she same level of passion out of her partners, which I think causes a lot of friction.

 

I'm not suggesting that you break up with your bf, but I think that it would be prudent to step back and take a long view of how you might go about resolving your issues. These very well might be issues that you deal with for the rest of your life. Even if that ends up being the case, you will have to find ways to learn to minimize the negative consequence it has on you.

 

If being in a relationship clouds your vision of being able to find more stable footing in your life, it may not be the best thing right now.

 

I'm glad you agree with me as how it isn't a good idea to keep in touch with a former ex. It makes me very stressed out. He doesn't see it that way and swears he will never have feelings again for her.

 

But this "ex", the one in the email, I don't know much about. He doesn't ever talk about her. Ever. I only know about her from snooping.

 

But you can tell she still has feelings, right? What if he does too?

[mercuryshadow]

I really don't like the idea of your bf knowingly deceiving you in regards to a condition you've set forth. I'm not trying to play devil's advocate, as I don't wish for you to feel worse about things, but I see his deception over his communication with his ex as very wrong.

 

If you truly did see something that he had left open, I see no reason to withhold that from him, especially since what you saw made you feel uneasy. Everyone deserves to feel safe in their relationship. If for some reason, something upsets or confuses you, tell your partner. You are allowed to protect your own heart.

[AverageCat]

Everyone can have a "bad day". If you wanna be with him, you have to be supportive on those one as well . It's not all about you being happy.

 

Said this, if it becomes a habit, and he's not fulfilling you, then that's just it. You should look for other fulfillment.

 

I once saw this movie (forgot the name), that described that when a guy really loves a girl whenever he's with her he wants to "unwrap her like a gift" as if she was his birthday present.

[Simon Phoenix]

The ex stuff is worth watching, but not by snooping on his emails. I'd just make a mental note of it and then if it needs to be addressed further later, do just that.

 

As for the birthday thing, it's his birthday, not yours. If he wants to rest and sleep on his birthday, that's his right because it's his special day, not yours. It's kind of selfish to be angry at him because you didn't like how he wanted to spend his day. Now if it was your birthday and he was acting like that, it's a different scenario altogether. But his birthday is not about you.

[tman666]

I'm glad you agree with me as how it isn't a good idea to keep in touch with a former ex. It makes me very stressed out. He doesn't see it that way and swears he will never have feelings again for her.

 

But this "ex", the one in the email, I don't know much about. He doesn't ever talk about her. Ever. I only know about her from snooping.

But you can tell she still has feelings, right? What if he does too?

 

Without knowing either of them, it's really impossible to tell. Social dynamics and communication styles vary so wildly that I wouldn't be able to say.

 

With that said, going by my gut alone, I'd say that she might have feelings for him (far be it from me to interpret what most females say, hahaha ), but I would seriously doubt that he has feelings for her. The only part that even sets off any warning bells at all off (to me) is when he says that he "wish[ed] [she] remembered" her dream that contained his presence.

 

That's really splitting hairs though. Sometimes stuff like this can be totally, 100% benign, only to blow up in your face when you read too much into it.

 

The problem with you bringing it up is that it can really only go a few ways:

 

1) he honestly and openly acknowledges that it was inappropriate for him to be maintaining contact with the ex, apologizes, and breaks off contact with her to make you feel better (and it transparent about that too)

 

2) he gets pissed off that you were monitoring his private communications and goes "further underground" to keep future communications from you

 

3) he feigns an apology for his actions to appease you and then is more careful to cover his tracks in the future

 

Reaction 1 is good, if it happens. The problem is that reaction 1 and reaction 3 can look an lot alike each other. Reaction 2 is more overt, but still undesirable for the health of the relationship.

 

This is a tough situation... I personally don't think that if I were in your shoes that I'd give up my position quite yet. I'd float some "trial balloons" first that give him a chance to come clean in a non-threatening scenario.

 

In my humble opinion, a good relationship is built on trust. Good sex, fun dates, good chemistry, etc. are all very important, but trust is what allows a relationship to survive the tough times when there is ****ty chemistry, no dates, and no sex. If you cannot trust a person, I don't see a point in being in a committed relationship with them.

 

On the same note (and I've been guilty of this in the past): don't look for reasons to mistrust a person. While trust has to be earned, nothing is more tiresome than having to constantly refute someone's suspicions of you.

 

This is why I suggested that you basically keep your discomfort regarding his communication with his ex under wraps for now. While I've never been one to blindly trust (as I'm sure you couldn't possibly tell by this post ), if you are able to observe how he behaves when he thinks you're not watching him, it may help you build your trust in him, provided that you give him the benefit of the doubt, do your best to remain objective, and give him the opportunity to do right. Don't read so much into his words as his actions.

 

Conversely, if his actions only diminish the trust you have in him, you'll be able to make a more rational decision about whether or not being with him is a good idea.

 

One thing that's certain: spying on a person isn't a sign of a healthy relationship. While it may be a necessary evil in certain situations, it almost never leads to an improved situation in my experience.

[youngnlove89]

Tman, thanks for the ample reply!

 

He has sneaked in my email before and on my phone, so he would not be able to say much about me doing the same. I think we both are just insecure. But I've worked my hardest to show him that he can trust me, so he doesn't feel the need to spy.

 

I think I won't say anything because there wasn't enough to go off of. Their responses back and forth were days between each other. Mainly from him. She replied right away. And then she was the one who went into detail. This is a guy who has had commitment issues for years, me being the first girl in years that he has been able to have a commitment with. Perhaps she still caries remorse from his lack of commitment he was unwilling to provide to her. But he is a sweet kind person and doesn't ignore these girls! ER!

 

I didn't like the part "I wish you'd remember!" either. That was what made me raise an eyebrow. But they were roommates so perhaps they just have that kind of friendship. Who knows.

 

Now, if there were more evidence and flirting, I would have already questioned him. But like you said, I think I will remain quiet. I'll keep an eye open, but I won't pounce the issue yet. Hopefully ever.

 

She lives states away anyways. She is married. I can't see it becoming any more. I'd be more worried if she were local.

 

NOW the other girl, on the other hand, is local. And I know she loves him still because I read it. But he didn't say it back. He just changed the subject. (this was from a text I read a year ago between them when we were together). He was cordial with her and no flirting at all. but it made me uncomfortable that they were talking. i just want her to leave him alone, move on and let me be with him.

 

The last thing I want to be is that girlfriend who controls her boyfriend and doesn't let him talk to his girl friends. But what is crossing the line? Hanging out with an ex? That would hurt me and make me wonder what is so special about keeping her in your life.

[AverageCat]

YoungLove I read all of this thread by now and I can tell you a few things:

 

1. Never go digging. Whatever you will find, will mess you up. Like right now, you went to look for ex, found some friend and now it's bugging you.

2. If you want your man to be completely open with you, you have to open a good flow of conversation. Have an accepting aura. Whatever he says, never start yelling at him, but rather understand him. And do the same, i.e. tell him everything.

3. Lastly... how important is it for you to not have a LIAR next to you? I honestly saw nothing bad in the emails he was exchanging with said friend, but if you asked him if he had contacted with her and he said NO, then there's a big problem. That of integrity. And people with little integrity are a big turn off to me... How much can you live with a person who might lie to your very own eyes?