Breaking up with Nick for Shane!

[Confused28]

Hi Everyone!

 

 

Remember me and my situation with Nick and Shane? Well, with the help of your support and advice I have decided to leave Nick for good and pursue what I left with Shane! Here is a recap for those who are unfamiliar with this.......

 

 

 

I am a 28 year old female. I have been with my boyfriend of 2 years (except for a 2 month period this summer when we broke up). His name is Nick, he is 30 years old and we have had a very up and down relationship. It is great at times, abusive at other times. Things came to a head about 6 months ago. Up until then, we spent all our time together (except for officially living together). Then, Nick started going out with his friends a lot, lying to me about where he was, and totally dissing me. He would not answer his phone, be out drinking at various bars, and would go a day or two (at times) without even talking to or seeing me. He totally didn't appreciate me or our relationship and did not treat me right, at all. I broke up with Nick in June.

 

Then I met Shane in July. He was INCREDIBLE!!!! He rocked my world, I was ecstatic! Things were moving along quickly and we were going from dating to couple-hood very quickly. I never had such chemistry with someone, or felt so good just to be with him.

 

Then, Nick found out I was in a new relationship and he freaked out, he broke into my house and trashed it while I was at work, but then would profess his love to me and made many promises to change. I ended up getting back with him (bad choice, I know). I called Shane and called things off and we have not talked since (that was 2 and a half months ago).

 

 

I think about Shane all the time and totally regret what happened. I wonder what might have been and yearn to talk to him, touch him, be with him and see where we could go. But, who knows if he is with someone else by now, or even would consider being with me again after what happened. But, that does not stop me from thinking about him.

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read that~ Now, I am going to break up with Nick and get in touch with Shane, and tell him what a terrible mistake I made, and hope we can start over. But, how should I go about doing this?

 

Should I call and ask to meet in person or talk over the phone?

 

What exactly should I say without coming off as totally desperate to get back together with Shane? (even though I am :-)

 

How long should I wait after I break up with Nick before I contact Shane? They don't know each other personally, but they do have a friend in common (I live in a city of nearly 10 million people, and they have to have a friend in common.... grrr.....) who likes to meddle and I don't want him to tell Shane that I broke up with Nick today and figure out that I called Shane like 15 minutes later. After what happened, that would be bad.

 

So, please help me, I am so excited and nervous!

 

Confused28

[Weird]

Good, glad you realized Nick is a piece of trash.

 

I say contact Shane soon, tell him you made a mistake earlier, and ask him if he is interested in being together. Just be honest. As a guy I'd rather a girl was honest with me than try and play it cool and play a semi hard to get game dealio.

 

Remember, you broke it off with Shane so you owe him honesty.

[bluechocolate]

Glad to hear you got rid of that Nick guy - as I said in your previous post - he was bad news - no good would have come from a relationship with a guy who tried to twist your mind like he did.

 

But, who knows if he is with someone else by now, or even would consider being with me again after what happened.

 

Exactly.

 

You're right to want to wait a bit before getting in touch & clearly you understand that he may not be able or willing to start something with you again. I couldn't even begin to think of what would be an appropriate amount of time to wait, but not too long!

 

Do you & Shane have a mutual friend(s)? Is it possible even that someone could get the info. to him in such a way that it seems like it is not coming from you or at least be able to sound him out on what his feelings would be? Now, having written that I come to the realisation that if you don't know if he is with someone else chances are you don't have mutual friends who could act as a go-between. It's tricky !

 

and tell him what a terrible mistake I made, and hope we can start over. But, how should I go about doing this?

 

Given what went on before I think honesty would be the best policy here. You're gonig to have to wear your heart on your sleeve for this one. Tell him what you wrote here - you made a terrible mistake & you really hope that the two of you can start over. Personally I think a card in the post would be the best option (nothing too sentimental or mushy - just a "thinking of you" kinda thing). It's more personal & you can carefully consider your wording - yes, it's slower, but it will give him time to think. You could ask him in the card that you would like to hear from him, phone, email, whatever, regardless of his response (negative or positive) but be prepared to take silence as an answer in the negative.

 

Good luck.

[Confused28]

Hi BlueChocolate and Weird!

 

Thanks for the responses! Well, we all do have a friend in common, I mentioned him in the earlier post, but he is a friend of Nick's really, they see each other on a daily basis as they are in med school together, we'll call him Chad. Chad was fraternity brother of Shane's in undergrad (we are all in grad school). So, he is an old friend of Shane's and current buddy of Nick's. no so much a friend of mine.

 

You can imagine my horror when I realized that Shane and Chad went to the same undergraduate school, and I asked "...do you happen to know Chad so -and -so?" He was like "..... OMG, he is an old fraternity brother of mine!" My jaw just dropped and then things got bad. Chad got in the middle of this whole thing, he was the one who told Nick I was with someone else and ignited this entire mess this summer! So, I am not going to enlist his help. We don't have any other friends in common... hmmmm...... man this is so trickly, I don't know what to do. A card is a good idea, I like it, but I am a little scared to do that, how can I be sure he will get it?

 

 

What I could do is just leave him a voicemail..... I have sprint, and so does he and you can go through the automated voice message system and leave a message without actually calling the number, so that the ball will be in his court as I am scared to call and have him pickup & then I'm left going "... Ummmm... Hi, It's me....umm...." you know? :-)I also can set it up so that you get a message once it is actually listened too, which is kinda useful. What do you think of that?

 

I'm scared he is going to totally laugh in my face at the thought of getting back together.. .ughhhh...... I can only pray and know that everything happens for a reason :-)

 

Confused28

[YellowLioness]

Maybe you should take some time out of the dating game for you. You just got out of an abusive relationship, and you already want to start seeing someone else?

 

Have you thought about taking time off for yourself, maybe to heal, or maybe just to learn what it is not to depend on a man?

 

It may give you a better sense of yourself, and what is right and wrong for you in a relationship so that you're less likely to get into another abusive relationship if things with Shane don't work out.

[Confused28]

Hi YellowLioness,

 

Good point, I know I have a complete habit for jumping from relationship to relationship..... I am just like that, I really enjoy being with someone I trust and grow with..... hmmm...... but dating is very, very fun! It is exhilerating actually! Thanks for bringing that up, I think it looks like one of two things will happen either I will get back with Shane or stay single and date! Two good options, thanks! Confused28

[Weird]

First, I think YellowLionees has a great point and that is actually what I would do but that is just me.

 

Second, if you decide you want to be with Shane (meaing you arent going to take time to be alone) then why delay telling him? I just dont get the logic some people have on here when they say "oh wait and find out if he is with someone, etc" Why? Will it magically change the reality of the whole situation? No. Just get up the guts , call the guy and be honest with him and tell him your feelings and you would like to be with him. Dont play any mind games, don't try and fire him over signals that you are interested which will require him to grab an Enigma decoder machine. Just tell him straight out. You have nothing to lose and it will save a hell of a lot of time as well as save yourself the stress from constantly thinking about this if you decided to delay talking to him.

 

This isn't directed at you but just a general comment...why are humans such pussies when it comes to dealing with one another?

[Confused28]

Dear Weird,

 

I like what you have to say, thanks for the honest response! In answer to you question as to why people are such pussies when it comes to dealing with each other..... I think it has to do with fear of rejection, and fear of what the other person might say, do or feel.

 

Myself for example, I am scared now to call up Shane and approach him on this situation because:

 

A) I am scared to find out he may be with someone else (Rejection).

 

B) I am scared that he might literally laugh at the concept of forgiving me and getting back together with me. He might think that what I did was of such low character that I have a lot of nerve calling him back up. (Rejection and also judgment of my character).

 

C) I am scared that he will tell our friend in common (Chad) and laugh at me like".... OMG, Confused28 actually called and wanted to get back with me after she up and dumped me for Nick this summer! Whatever!" (Rejection, putting me down and laughing at me, feeling like a dumbas*).

 

D) I am scared of getting on the phone and not coming across right and sounding desperate, or off base, out of touch with the reality of the situation ( fear of coming off like "psycho girl". I think that a lot of people like to play off their ex girl or boyfriend as if they are "psycho", kind of makes them feel better especially if they were rejected.)

 

So, that is what I'm fearful of :-) Confused28

[Weird]

Yeah...I know it is because people are scared of rejection but damn, I shake my head at it because I think of how much time gets wasted and how much added stress people give themselves by not just being direct and instead wondering "how will so and so take it if I tell him/her this?"

 

It just seems people always look to the negative rather than the positive and I dunno, life is about taking chances and you have to take a chance when it comes to relationships with people.

 

I just think people cause themselves more problems (constantly wondering about the person) by being scared to talk to someone than they do if they just be honest and direct with the person.

 

For your situation here is what I think:

 

A) He could be with someone else but you know what? You not contatcing him isn't going to make him not be with someone. If anything, it'll give him more time to get with someone if he isn't right now. Also, it isn't like your feelings for him are based on whether he is with another girl or not, right? If you find out he is with someone else are you suddenly not going to have feelings for him? No. So really, this is a moot point. He is either with another girl or not and you have to face that fact.

 

B) Yep, he may laugh at you but again, that has nothing to do with the feelings you have for him. By delaying contacting him it isn't like he is suddenly going to have this different opinion of what you have to say to him so why wait? Then of course there is the positive way to look at things and that is he is hoping you will call him and he will be so happy you called him and won't laugh.

 

C) He could do that but if he does then he is a prick. What he may do is tell Chad this "Confused28 called me and wants to be with me. I am so happy as you know I have told you how I hoped she would end her relationship with that azzhole Nick and get back with me"

 

D) That may happen and he may think you are a psycho. Or, you could say stuff not how you planned (speaking through your emotions/feelings) and he will really admire it and see that what you are saying is something you have thought about and is soemthng really important to you and he will be more appreciative of it. Or, you may say stuff exactly how you want to say it and that will get the same outcome of him being appreciative.

 

I realize you are fearful of the bad outcome but you need to look at the positive outcome and realize you have nothing to lose by calling him soon. Also, you need to realize that your fear is not going to change how you feel about things or your desrie to be with him and it won't change what he is thinking.

 

If by chance you are way off base on this and get rejected then you can at least hold your head up high and be proud that you went after something YOU want. Dunno about you but I think it is much more admirable to go after something I want than be scared and avoid it. Even if I get burned I can be happy I tried.

 

So babe, go call him:)

[Confused28]

Dear Weird,

 

Thanks a million for your words! I totally agree with your philosophy. I have always been the kind of person to were my emotions right were you can see them. I don't like game playing, I just want to love someone and trust him with my honest feelings. I need to apply that to this situation and I'm going too~!!!

 

Another good thing, when I was with Shane, he was very honest and said he always believed open communication, no game playing was the best way to go. So, my approach is very compatible with his philosophy. I like that, makes me feel better~

 

You have been a great support, thank you so much! I still have a little unfinished business with Nick, I have to make sure he knows the door between he and I is shut. That was the problem this summer, I said we could still be friends when he wanted that and then I could not move on with Shane like I wanted to. I have to do the right thing and make sure Nick knows I am done.

 

Have a great weekend and I will let you know what happens. Let me know if you need any help with anything! :-) Confused28

[Weird]

hehe I like how you start offposts to me as "Dear Weird":)

 

Well glad i could offer some advice and hope the unfinished business wiht nick goes ok and you and shane work out.

 

I am glad you feel the same way I do whihc is honesty and being open is the key.