Affair with Friends husband

[rae_lana]

Today you are saying this...

 

 

In your first post you said this...

 

 

 

So what changed that you believe some kind of polyamory type relationship would work here? You didn't believe so when you started the thread, but you do now. Is it fact based or wishful thinking?

 

It's probably mostly wishful thinking. They wouldn't probably go for it. She's too jealous of him giving attention to anyone else (not saying its a huge flaw it's just a fact) and my husband has always said cheating would be a deal breaker.

 

I think it COULD work because all four of us are great together. OM is highly attracted to all three of us and we all love one another.

 

I'd Love to think me and OM are a perfect match but we are so much alike.. We are a better fit with other people to help the balance. We both think so, I know most people would think that's nuts.

[amaysngrace]

I'm trying to figure things out or wouldn't be talking about it.

 

I know you are but instead of disengaging you're going farther into the fire.

 

What happened to you when you were younger? Were you sexually assaulted?

[amaysngrace]

I read back and see that you were sexually abused when you were a young girl.

 

If you have time please scroll down to dissociation. I think it may very much apply to you.

 

Childhood Sexual Abuse Therapy, Learn about Sexual Abuse Issues

 

It's easy to shut down feelings easily once you've been sexually abused. It's a natural reaction to trauma and it sometimes becomes a coping mechanism when things are just too hard to think about.

 

I know you don't think that the past has anything to do with your predicament now but I can assure you that it has so much to do with it. I can identify with what you say a lot and know that you're stuck at 10 years old in some ways because you were emotionally stunted at that age.

 

What happened to you as a child was never your fault. Even the bad choices you make now aren't your fault. You're dysfunctional and it's not your fault that you are but it's going to be difficult for you to have healthy relationships until you heal from your past abuse. XO

[It-is-what-it-is.]

It's probably mostly wishful thinking. They wouldn't probably go for it. She's too jealous of him giving attention to anyone else (not saying its a huge flaw it's just a fact) and my husband has always said cheating would be a deal breaker.

 

I think it COULD work because all four of us are great together. OM is highly attracted to all three of us and we all love one another.

 

I'd Love to think me and OM are a perfect match but we are so much alike.. We are a better fit with other people to help the balance. We both think so, I know most people would think that's nuts.

 

Thank you for answering,

 

Rae, before you said you wanted to tell your MM BS because you could be more sensitive in telling her. I want you to look at what you said in this response. This is why she will see this affair as a huge betrayal and you cannot be the one to tell her. She has accepted her discomfort with her philandering husband (with you) because she trusted you to not betray her. The chances that she will see this as a some kind of advantage is extremely remote.

 

Please explain the statement about the OM being attracted to all three of you? I didn't follow that, you have not mentioned if you are having bi-sexual relations across the couples so I am confused where this is going?

 

In your first post you indicated that your H does not find the MM BS attractive. You mentioned you no longer are as interested in sex with your H because of the emotions you have developed for the MM during the emotional affair. Are you saying that your H would share you with MM but he's not interested in MM BS? How do you realistically see that working?

 

I think coming clean is the right thing to do, but I agree with the previous poster that you really need to be prepared for the fall out, no matter how this goes on it will be painful. Preferably you should get help from a professional.

 

One last thing. You have switched your plan from stopping the affair to leaving your marriages to be together. I am sure you are aware of the very small likelihood off longevity of relationships that begin this way. You did indicate that it would not be an exclusive relationship. Make sure you thinking it through.

 

Please see if you can meet with a therapist. Having someone in real life to support you though this significant change in your life will help you cope.

[aliveagain]

You are going to leave your husband, your home, destroy your relationship with your best friend for a serial cheater that wants to be with you part time? Did I understand you correctly he wants to bang other men in the a** and this is the prize you want to break up your marriage for, you serious or are you just fu***n st**id? Sorry but there is a real problem with your logic, get help fast before you do something you will never, ever recover from, seriously. This is just my opinion.

Edited July 14, 2013 by aliveagain
spelling

[BrokenPrincess]

I think it COULD work because all four of us are great together. OM is highly attracted to all three of us and we all love one another.

 

Yeah but what about your H and your friend? Do THEY get any say in whether they want to participate in this fantasy foursome?

 

I thought you said your H had zero interest in sexual activity with another man? Rae, you are going way, way, waaaaaaaaay off the deep end here into la-la land. I don't have any psychology background, but I have to think that the hyper sexuality with emotional detachment and this familial attachment in such an inappropriate, deceptive way is all tied to the abuse you suffered.

 

Is there anyone IRL you can confide in--a friend or even a few IC sessions? I really worry when this all inevitably blows up--either from your confession or a DDay, it's going to send you reeling so hard and you won't have any support system to help you get up.

[rae_lana]

You are going to leave your husband, your home, destroy your relationship with your best friend for a serial cheater that wants to be with you part time? Did I understand you correctly he wants to bang other men in the a** and this is the prize you want to break up your marriage for, you serious or are you just fu***n st**id? Sorry but there is a real problem with your logic, get help fast before you do something you will never, ever recover from, seriously. This is just my opinion.

 

If anyone here is under the impression my husband is a saint that's far from correct, but nothing he's done nothing to deserve this I know.

 

This OM has had 3 one night stands since he's been with his wife.. All women. Him being bi doesn't bother me in the LEAST. If its something he wants to explore as long as its done safety that's nobody else's business .. Except his wife's I know which is why I'm agreeing we should tell our spouses what's happening and if they want to stay and make it work with us great.. It very well might be the end of our marriages I get that and that's heart breaking..

 

I don't want to end my marriage but if it was a choice between my husband and this OM it's not a very hard choice only because he's the one who actually accepts who I really am.

 

My husband never has and changing me has always been his goal.

 

My only family is his family. I love them they love me and I don't want to lose them, I also want to be who I really am.

 

I either keep living a lie or I tell the truth and see who stays. I think the only one who will stay is OM.

 

If he hadn't said he felt the same about me as I do about him.. I'd feel a lot different.

 

I haven't done anything to change anything yet. Don't plan too today.. I have a lot to think about.

[rae_lana]

You are going to leave your husband, your home, destroy your relationship with your best friend for a serial cheater that wants to be with you part time? Did I understand you correctly he wants to bang other men in the a** and this is the prize you want to break up your marriage for, you serious or are you just fu***n st**id? Sorry but there is a real problem with your logic, get help fast before you do something you will never, ever recover from, seriously. This is just my opinion.

 

a few days ago I thought nobody would ever accept the whole me.. I thought OM might still be just pretending to accept it all .. I had no idea he's been wanting us to end our marriages we had specifically decided against that from the start.

[rae_lana]

Thank you for answering,

 

Rae, before you said you wanted to tell your MM BS because you could be more sensitive in telling her. I want you to look at what you said in this response. This is why she will see this affair as a huge betrayal and you cannot be the one to tell her. She has accepted her discomfort with her philandering husband (with you) because she trusted you to not betray her. The chances that she will see this as a some kind of advantage is extremely remote.

 

Please explain the statement about the OM being attracted to all three of you? I didn't follow that, you have not mentioned if you are having bi-sexual relations across the couples so I am confused where this is going?

 

In your first post you indicated that your H does not find the MM BS attractive. You mentioned you no longer are as interested in sex with your H because of the emotions you have developed for the MM during the emotional affair. Are you saying that your H would share you with MM but he's not interested in MM BS? How do you realistically see that working?

 

I think coming clean is the right thing to do, but I agree with the previous poster that you really need to be prepared for the fall out, no matter how this goes on it will be painful. Preferably you should get help from a professional.

 

One last thing. You have switched your plan from stopping the affair to leaving your marriages to be together. I am sure you are aware of the very small likelihood off longevity of relationships that begin this way. You did indicate that it would not be an exclusive relationship. Make sure you thinking it through.

 

Please see if you can meet with a therapist. Having someone in real life to support you though this significant change in your life will help you cope.

 

I'm not planning right now to end my marriage to be with OM. Only come to the decision we should tell them the truth and let them decide what to do.

 

The reason for that is because I finally confesses I was falling for OM to him.. And instead of freaking out and calling off our affair he said he felt the same way and said he was ready to tell her.

[2sunny]

So divorce and give it a shot.

 

I commend you for wanting now, to be honest.

[rae_lana]

Thank you for answering,

 

Rae, before you said you wanted to tell your MM BS because you could be more sensitive in telling her. I want you to look at what you said in this response. This is why she will see this affair as a huge betrayal and you cannot be the one to tell her. She has accepted her discomfort with her philandering husband (with you) because she trusted you to not betray her. The chances that she will see this as a some kind of advantage is extremely remote.

 

Please explain the statement about the OM being attracted to all three of you? I didn't follow that, you have not mentioned if you are having bi-sexual relations across the couples so I am confused where this is going?

 

In your first post you indicated that your H does not find the MM BS attractive. You mentioned you no longer are as interested in sex with your H because of the emotions you have developed for the MM during the emotional affair. Are you saying that your H would share you with MM but he's not interested in MM BS? How do you realistically see that working?

 

I think coming clean is the right thing to do, but I agree with the previous poster that you really need to be prepared for the fall out, no matter how this goes on it will be painful. Preferably you should get help from a professional.

 

One last thing. You have switched your plan from stopping the affair to leaving your marriages to be together. I am sure you are aware of the very small likelihood off longevity of relationships that begin this way. You did indicate that it would not be an exclusive relationship. Make sure you thinking it through.

 

Please see if you can meet with a therapist. Having someone in real life to support you though this significant change in your life will help you cope.

 

OM is attracted to men and women but more so women especially emotionally.. I am the same.

 

My husband is not and neither is his wife.

[rae_lana]

I read back and see that you were sexually abused when you were a young girl.

 

If you have time please scroll down to dissociation. I think it may very much apply to you.

 

Childhood Sexual Abuse Therapy, Learn about Sexual Abuse Issues

 

It's easy to shut down feelings easily once you've been sexually abused. It's a natural reaction to trauma and it sometimes becomes a coping mechanism when things are just too hard to think about.

 

I know you don't think that the past has anything to do with your predicament now but I can assure you that it has so much to do with it. I can identify with what you say a lot and know that you're stuck at 10 years old in some ways because you were emotionally stunted at that age.

 

What happened to you as a child was never your fault. Even the bad choices you make now aren't your fault. You're dysfunctional and it's not your fault that you are but it's going to be difficult for you to have healthy relationships until you heal from your past abuse. XO

 

Thank you.

 

I know I'm messed up, I don't think it's fixable. I have tried counsellors but the same as everyone else I told each one only parts of the story.. I have never ever sat down and went over everything.

[rae_lana]

Yeah but what about your H and your friend? Do THEY get any say in whether they want to participate in this fantasy foursome?

 

I thought you said your H had zero interest in sexual activity with another man? Rae, you are going way, way, waaaaaaaaay off the deep end here into la-la land. I don't have any psychology background, but I have to think that the hyper sexuality with emotional detachment and this familial attachment in such an inappropriate, deceptive way is all tied to the abuse you suffered.

 

Is there anyone IRL you can confide in--a friend or even a few IC sessions? I really worry when this all inevitably blows up--either from your confession or a DDay, it's going to send you reeling so hard and you won't have any support system to help you get up.

 

My husband is not attracted to other men, I guess it's all just wishful. I just don't want to lose him .. And I know as soon as this is out I will.

[rae_lana]

I would describe me and OM as being very very much the same personality wise. Everyone seems to be under the impression he's toxic.

 

I am just as toxic. I just had better impulse control and he was the first person I cheated on my husband with.

[rae_lana]

How in the world do you think this man really knows who you are? Your husband does. He's lived with you, tried to understand your personality, hasn't left you, loved you, or tried. I think you've romanticized this MM, and you're going to throw away everything for a big, fat, maybe. I truly wish you'd go talk to a professional, tell it all, gain some perspective. I really feel like you're going to lose everything for a fantasy. Please, don't do anything until you get some help, as in a psychiatrist. The layers to this are too deep for a bunch of Internet strangers.

 

OM says he won't say or do anything until I'm ready.

 

He told me tonight that if I don't want to be with him when our marriages are over we should just stay where we are and continue as we have been.

 

He's just scared too.

[rae_lana]

I don't know what to do yet. I'm not telling them immediately. We are going to try and not see or talk to each other for a week at least.. Unless in group situations that others arrange because that's a dead give away if we changed that..

 

I really love a three of them, I need all three of them and I should never have let any of this happen, that's on me, I know.

 

I should feel worse than I do.

[2sunny]

See a counselor and tell everything.

 

You can't begin healing until that person knows what you need help with.

 

It IS possible to get to a healthier place - but you won't get there without putting it all out there so a professional can help you.

 

Please see someone that specializes in trauma.

[amaysngrace]

Thank you.

 

I know I'm messed up, I don't think it's fixable. I have tried counsellors but the same as everyone else I told each one only parts of the story.. I have never ever sat down and went over everything.

 

I understand that. It's hard to go "there". Some things are definitely better blocked out.

 

But it's necessary if you ever decide that you would rather not be messed up anymore.

 

Please PM me if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to. I totally get it. XO

[aliveagain]

Is it possible that you and your lover are both gay or bisexual? Did you enjoy watching him bang his wife in front of you? You can do what ever you want with your relationships, your both adults. Just don't hurt the people you profess to love by sneaking around behind their backs. Love yourself more than that, it's not the way to end a relationship with someone that believes in you enough to make you his wife. Just have yourself assessed before you pull the plug on your marriage, you can't take it back after the fact. If you were abused when you were young it could explain why you're behaving in a self destructive way.

[2sunny]

Have you always had self sabotaging tendencies?

[Trimmer]

But how do I tell my husband our marriage is over. Should we admit the affair .. I'm not even sure where to start. He told me he'd like to not tell them we've already been having an affair but that we've developed feelings and wanted to end the marriages before we crossed the line. I don't think my husband will buy that. Do we do it together, separately. I have no idea.

You may already be past this part of the thought process, but please, please don't treat them like f****g idiots.

 

My wife left me, into the arms of another man with whom we had been "couples friends." Not as close as it sounds like you guys are, but still, we socialized with them, etc. Right under my nose. And I was the trusting and supportive - but ultimately stupid and humiliated - husband. The things that I respected her for were the places where she told me the simple, honest, direct truth. One thing I still have no respect for, and cannot forgive, was her treating me like I was an idiot, telling me that it had nothing to do with him, claiming that they were "just friends", obviously trying to set up just what you are describing here: the false scenario that they decided to get together after we split.

 

Do what you haven't done so far: have a little respect for your husband - and for yourself - and tell him the truth.

 

An issue I have already is that even though he tries, when OM talks to his wife he is not very compassionate .. The way they talk always rub each other the wrong way. I'm scares he'll hurt her even more than necessary even though he won't mean too. I want to tell her.

 

My husband will be angry. He will rage out and then leave. I'm not sure what she will so but I think I should be the one to tell her...

This is such an astoundingly bad idea, it borders on delusional. And the essence of a delusion, is that you can't see it as such. So please take our word for it: you are not the person to be delivering the news to your friend that her husband is leaving her. Just don't do this. If you decide to move forward with dissolving your marriage, offer some minor bit of dignity and honesty and take care of your business within your own marriage.

 

Do I want to for me or for her. I believe it's for her but I don't know anymore. I feel like there has been a death close to me.. That's what this feels like right now.

I do know what it feels like to experience a death of someone close to me. But I don't know what it's like mourning the death of someone close to me, when I'm the one who pulled the trigger. I'm sure my psyche would go through all kinds of twists and turns to try to protect me from the enormity of that.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Rae,

 

I know you have said that you believe your husband is trying to change you and that the MM accepts you for who you are.

 

You have also said that you and MM are both very similar and toxic.

 

Do you think it's possible that of the two, your husband has your best interest at heart because he is trying to help you change? It's a thought.

 

It sounds like you think the MM will be more accepting of your sexual needs. Are these things you and your husband have discussed and he will not participate in? Or are you assuming he won't?

 

This is a long thread I might have missed some of the facts. Ae these the highlights?

You have been married 5-7 years?

You have no relationship with your family, and there is abuse in your past.

You have been friends with MM/MM BS for a couple years.

You hang out together almost daily.

You have been flirty and had sexual tension for years. Your spouses and friends mention this frequently.

At some point, about a year ago, you and MM began talking privately and intimately.

You have had sex one time about six months ago.

You have had physical intimacy without sex ongoing since then.

You are both still sexually intimate with your spouses.

You have a basically happy marriage.

MM has a less happy marriage, he has had several one night stands with women during the time you have known them, he is bi-sexual. BS is suspicious and cautious.

You believe you and MM are more well matched sexually than you are with your husband. (Is this because of drive or preferences?)

You have alternately said you feel no guilt and that you feel like you are grieving a death. I don't follow your statements that you feel nothing, can you explain?

You said you tried therapy but it didn't work cause you never told anyone the whole truth.

 

I completely believe that bad marriages that cant be fixed should end. I believe that those that are destructive should end. And while what you and MM did will definitely end your friendship with MM BS, unless you are leaving stuff out, there are plenty of marriages that can recover from infidelity, even when the participants were friends (although it does make some things harder) if you want to try.

 

What I don't think you have ever said is whether you would want to try to save your marriage. You said you would be willing to give up MM to make people feel better after divorce, but would you give him up to save your marriage?

[findingnemo]

If anyone here is under the impression my husband is a saint that's far from correct, but nothing he's done nothing to deserve this I know.

 

This OM has had 3 one night stands since he's been with his wife.. All women. Him being bi doesn't bother me in the LEAST. If its something he wants to explore as long as its done safety that's nobody else's business .. Except his wife's I know which is why I'm agreeing we should tell our spouses what's happening and if they want to stay and make it work with us great.. It very well might be the end of our marriages I get that and that's heart breaking..

 

I don't want to end my marriage but if it was a choice between my husband and this OM it's not a very hard choice only because he's the one who actually accepts who I really am.

 

My husband never has and changing me has always been his goal.

 

My only family is his family. I love them they love me and I don't want to lose them, I also want to be who I really am.

 

I either keep living a lie or I tell the truth and see who stays. I think the only one who will stay is OM.

 

If he hadn't said he felt the same about me as I do about him.. I'd feel a lot different.

 

I haven't done anything to change anything yet. Don't plan too today.. I have a lot to think about.

 

How do I tell you this gently? Everything...EVERYTHING...you are thinking and saying here is irrational, Rae. And while this MM and your affair may seem to be your biggest problem right now, it really is the least of them. You may be highly intelligent, a hard worker and a determined person who achieves almost everything she sets her mind to. But this situation? The principles on which you base your standard of relationships, your ability to pick good men and friends, your ability to be a good friend yourself, are flawed.

 

The more you say you understand, the more you warp this into something it is not. How can you actually believe that this effed up man is worth giving up anything for because he accepts you? Even if you had the most perverted sexual desires, my dear, there is no logical reason you would give yourself to a man who has probably 100 times more issues than you. Why? Just so he can accept you. Why do you think you are so imperfect that you deserve so little? Will any acceptance do? Why do you accept him?

 

By choosing this man, you will be choosing not to be loved. Forget about an open relationship. there will be no relationship. Just someone to sleep with from time to time whose flaws will become too much to bear once you are all free to be "together". He is bi-curious, a philanderer, mean to his W, willing to hoodwink your H, his W, your friends and community and didn't even have the guts to tell you he wanted to be with you until you told him you have developed feelings for him. You are choosing him over your H who while not perfect loves you, whose family loves you. You are choosing him over a woman who has been your friend and whose pain you have witnessed at the hands of this very same man. Worst of all, you are choosing him over yourself - a woman who given the chance to face her past (horrible things, none of which she invited in her life) could find peace and love and stability and hope.

 

Basically you will be jumping from the frying pan into the fire if you choose to end your M and go with this man. I know you are here seeking help and it is a good thing. But the help you get here isn't enough. This is no classic MM/OW situation. This is something that even if you both were single would spell lifelong trouble. I will repeat what I and others have stated, you need a professional to help you navigate through this before you make ANY decisions.

[BetrayedH]

Long thread. Took me quite a while to catch up.

 

Look, if you really love all of these people, then come clean with them. Be respectful enough to give them the truth so they can make informed decisions of their own about how to move forward with their lives. Will the fantasy foursome work out? Not likely. But everyone will be able to make their own choices rather than being hoodwinked and manipulated. They only have one life to live and you're stealing precious years from your friend and your husband. I think you're smart enough to know that this can't go on forever undiscovered. You thought you could control it but just like almost all affairs, you developed an unexpected emotional connection. Now the "just sex" affair that was going to be taken to the grave has both of you talking about leaving your spouses. This is the way it happens. It really is just a matter of time before it blows up one way or another. I think you know that this is unsustainable. You can't hide it forever; you can't go back to just being friends; you can't have the foursome fantasy; you can't go back in time and un-do it all.

 

The most respectful thing you can do here is tell the absolute truth to both parties and let the chips fall where they may. Your husband deserves to find someone that will love him. Your friend deserves a better life than living with a serial cheater husband and a friend that can't even honestly counsel her to leave the man because she's involved with him, too.

 

Plenty of bad decisions have been born of good intentions but a lack of courage. The good and respectful thing to do by both of them is obvious. It just takes courage. This is what most cheaters lack. I encourage you to find the courage to do the right thing and come clean with both of them. One side benefit is that you'll at least have made one decision that you can be proud of. You will have stopped betraying two people that you claim to love. Maybe a relationship with one of them, even the MM, will be salvagable. No one knows. But at least you will have put an end to this awful saga and everyone can move forward with their lives with the truth in hand and you'll be the one that made it happen. There really are no other good choices. Find the courage to make this one.

[pteromom]

Really???

 

This OM is no prize. He may accept you, but you say he is a serial cheater (which you've programmed yourself to think is OK for some reason - "as long as he loves me, I don't care where he sticks his ****.")

 

You say he speaks to his wife without compassion - yet you want to sign up for that???

 

If you are truly unhappy in your marriage, then end it. But I beg you NOT to run away and be with OM.

 

You have a lot of work to do with yourself.

 

If you run off with OM, your life is NOT going to get better. Oh, it might temporarily. Then you'll find yourself alone at home waiting for your mean, cheating hubby to get home. You think you aren't the jealous type and don't care what he does? Sounds good in theory, but it's much more complex than that. In reality, I think you would be much more jealous than you think you would be.