Affair with Friends husband

[MJTig]

OK, I read this whole thing and the marytrdom is unbelieveable...

 

How can you honestly say that counseling didn't work when you didn't even give the whole story? A counselor is not a friend who can shut you out. They are professional and if they deal with abuse and trauma... i bet they've heard worse.

 

Give it a real chance instead of just saying 'well this is how I am so why bother?" If you like how you are, admit it, and stop hiding it. But I don't think you are.

[rae_lana]

Seems like people are under the impression this guy is a horrible person and he's not at all.

Also seems like people think our attraction to each other is insanely visible but we have a very very good handle on it.

 

We haven't decided what to do yet.

 

But our spouses have no idea about any of it at all.

Honestly.. Anyone could be having an affair .. You can not read it on everyone's face. I believe it. Because we are together every single day. Have been for a week straight.

 

Also.. At some point someone said something about me watching him with his wife.. That's never happened. Lots of jokes but its never happened. And him not speaking to his wife with a lot of compassion.. I don't mean he has none!! Very much so.. He's more compassionate to most people than she is they just rub each other the wrong way. That's what I meant.

[rae_lana]

I know the real him he knows the real me.

 

No makeup, morning bad moods all that.. We know each other it's not just all the idealized traits we have seen.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

We tried...you will do what you will do. Then you will realize we tried to help you.

[HopingAgain]

Seems like people are under the impression this guy is a horrible person and he's not at all.

Also seems like people think our attraction to each other is insanely visible but we have a very very good handle on it.

 

We haven't decided what to do yet.

 

But our spouses have no idea about any of it at all.

Honestly.. Anyone could be having an affair .. You can not read it on everyone's face. I believe it. Because we are together every single day. Have been for a week straight.

 

Also.. At some point someone said something about me watching him with his wife.. That's never happened. Lots of jokes but its never happened. And him not speaking to his wife with a lot of compassion.. I don't mean he has none!! Very much so.. He's more compassionate to most people than she is they just rub each other the wrong way. That's what I meant.

 

 

What do you define as a horrible person? I mean my God! The man has had multiple affairs on his wife, is mean to her, gaslights her, and then to drive the knife deepest, sleeps with her BEST FRIEND, ensuring she will never trust a woman to be very close to her again as a friend. What else does he have to do to be a bad person to you...kill her?

[LBlanc]

I know the real him he knows the real me.

 

No makeup, morning bad moods all that.. We know each other it's not just all the idealized traits we have seen.

 

Question...Don't you think your H deserves to know that side of the "real you" you choose to reveal to the MM? (...And I don't mean the A.)

 

I'm just wondering why you won't reveal the "real you" to you're H. Why did you decide to be with your H when you're so reluctant to disclose the "real you" to the person you're suppose to love "for better or for worse."

 

If your H really loves you, what's the worst that could happen?

 

(...and again I don't mean revealing the A...just the "real you.")

[2sunny]

So if you're unhappy with your H, and have never revealed the "real you" to him... It's not his fault he may not understand you thoroughly. It's your fault for not showing him ALL of who you really are.

 

Why not reveal all of yourself to your H and see how he feels about the real you?

 

After all, you are married to him! He has the right to understand who he really married.

[Artie Lang]

Seems like people are under the impression this guy is a horrible person and

he's not at all.

 

are you freakin' kidding me. he is a serial cheater and is now screwing his wife's friend- YOU!

 

 

sorry, but you're a lost cause.

[aliveagain]

But our spouses have no idea about any of it at all.

Honestly.. Anyone could be having an affair .. You can not read it on everyone's face. I believe it. Because we are together every single day. Have been for a week straight.

 

Also.. At some point someone said something about me watching him with his wife.. That's never happened. Lots of jokes but its never happened. And him not speaking to his wife with a lot of compassion.. I don't mean he has none!! Very much so.. He's more compassionate to most people than she is they just rub each other the wrong way. That's what I meant.

 

That is my confusion, I mixed up your post with that of another cheater, my mistake. Do you resent your husband? What your doing to him is so brutal and you do it with such gusto and lack of any remorse. You write like your bragging about how good you are at cheating. I think you deserve the serial cheater, yup, your the perfect match for each other.

Edited July 17, 2013 by aliveagain
spelling

[stillafool]

This OM WILL no doubt want to have sex with other people if we are together.. Men and women.. I know this, we are clear about it. I get it. That doesn't not even a little bit affect my choices. I know all about how he feels there..

 

Love and sex are not the same for me.

 

I do not get jealous like a person would expect about sex, when I feel jealousy it's almost always to do with emotional connections.

 

He's bi? That explains alot. Does his wife know he's bi?

[rae_lana]

I actually found people very supportive and helpful on helping me think about things a lot differently.

I don't know what I'm going to do yet but I don't think I'm a list cause I just have no intention of doing what other people demand is the right thing.. I'm going to figure out what the right thing is for us involved because I think most people would admit, no matter how black and white something seems there are a lot of grey areas and you don't understand ever aspect of our relationships and why it came to this.

I'm not claiming its ok. I know it's not. But it's happening just the same and trying to navigate my way through.

[rae_lana]

He's bi? That explains alot. Does his wife know he's bi?

 

I'm curious what you mean.

His wife makes jokes about it all the time. She doesn't know for sure he is.

He said he has tried to tell her a few times but she has been freaked out by it so he hasn't went into detail with her.

 

It would bother her a lot and we both know that because she's said it many times.

[rae_lana]

But our spouses have no idea about any of it at all.

Honestly.. Anyone could be having an affair .. You can not read it on everyone's face. I believe it. Because we are together every single day. Have been for a week straight.

 

Also.. At some point someone said something about me watching him with his wife.. That's never happened. Lots of jokes but its never happened. And him not speaking to his wife with a lot of compassion.. I don't mean he has none!! Very much so.. He's more compassionate to most people than she is they just rub each other the wrong way. That's what I meant.

 

That is my confusion, I mixed up your post with that of another cheater, my mistake. Do you resent your husband? What your doing to him is so brutal and you do it with such gusto and lack of any remorse. You write like your bragging about how good you are at cheating. I think you deserve the serial cheater, yup, your the perfect match for each other.

 

I know this will seem stupid and insane but I don't feel like I'm hurting him if he doesn't know. I'm messed up I know. But that's what I meant about not understanding why I don't feel worse, my husband is not the nicest person by a long shot but this is wrong I know and he doesn't deserve it. I should feel worse.

 

Sure there is a lot of resentment . Too much to really explain.

[rae_lana]

I married young because he asked me to marry him and I thought we were in love. It was the first person who has ever said they loved me. I love him but yes, we are not a great match and most likley should have just been friends. I don't want to hurt him I also don't want to be unhappy and I know I'm far from what anyone would think is a good person from seeing it all in black and white.

 

Nobody that knows me in real life would believe this was me.

[rae_lana]

Have you always had self sabotaging tendencies?

 

Yes. I would say so.

[2sunny]

Yes. I would say so.

 

Do you intend to change that about yourself?

[rae_lana]

Do you intend to change that about yourself?

 

I don't know how and its not on purpose.. I thought I changed a long time ago but when I look back its like trail of horrible things.

[2sunny]

I don't know how and its not on purpose.. I thought I changed a long time ago but when I look back its like trail of horrible things.

 

It may or may not be on purpose... You have a conscience, right?

 

I ask myself hundreds of times during my day - for what I'm about to do or say - will this be harmful to myself or others?

 

If it might be harmful or hurtful - I CONSCIOUSLY make the effort not to do that!

 

If it harms me or others - I have no business participating that way.

 

Can you do that for yourself?

[Artie Lang]

I'm going to figure out what the right thing is for us involved

 

by us, you mean what's best for you, right?

 

it seems you've come to these decisions unilaterally, with no consultation with those involved- your husband and your supposed "friend."

 

every move you've made has been in your best interest; seeing how long you can juggle being your husband's wife, keep f!@#ing this OM, and staying friends with your lover's wife. does that sum it up?

 

 

i really feel sorry for you. the abuse you endured early in your life has clearly corrupted you somehow. i feel even more sorry for those that cross paths with you, namely your husband and this poor woman who confided in you.

Edited July 19, 2013 by Artie Lang

[LBlanc]

I married young because he asked me to marry him and I thought we were in love. It was the first person who has ever said they loved me. I love him but yes, we are not a great match and most likley should have just been friends. I don't want to hurt him I also don't want to be unhappy and I know I'm far from what anyone would think is a good person from seeing it all in black and white.

 

Nobody that knows me in real life would believe this was me.

 

You sound like my mum. No regrets on her A. No apologies. And yup she was the last person people would expect to have an A.

 

I understood why she did it though. My dad wasn't the nicest person ... and that's an understatement.

 

The one and only time she talked about her A with my sisters and I, she said she had given every ounce of her sweat and blood to make us and our dad happy. After 20 years of that, she needed to do something for herself.

 

Their 21 year marriage was dissolved more than 10 years ago. MM went back to his wife, but my mom still talks fondly of him.

 

I don't really have any advice...just want to say that I agree... A's in general are not so cut and dried... and that goes for the fallout too...

 

Believe it or not, my mum may have been the one who had an A, but my sisters and I are much closer to her than our dad.

[sweet_pea]

PLEASE be honest and divorce your husband. PLEASE be honest about what kind of person you really are. You are NOT a friend and no person deserves to have a "friend" like you, messing with their spouse. PLEASE let them live a life with others who truly respect and love them. PLEASE. This is awful. Wow.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Rae:

 

I assume that in addition to reading our fairly consistent feedback, you have also read the infidelity and divorce sections of LS? There are plenty of people who have been involved in affairs like yours and you can read their stories and the destruction and devistation. There are other forums too that have places for people who want to end affairs can get support surviving infidelity. Have you read those sites?

 

I assume you have read and researched all of those places and know they all describe in a million ways how wrong your thinking continues to be. But you don't care.

 

I assume that because it is so easy to find that the odds of proceeding undiscovered are infinitesimally small, that you believe you are too smart to get caught or you are dillusional.

 

I assume that since all those consistent experiences indicate, and almost guarantee that what you and MM are doing is exponentially harder to handle than a vanilla affair, which is devastating, that you do not care about your husband or MMBS.

 

You justify your actions with excuses like your husband isn't perfect or nice, and the MMBS doesn't like sex.

 

You don't care, you dont listen...so I think I am going to pretend I am giving advice to your H or to the MMBS.

 

Mr. Rae

I am so sorry you find yourself here, your wife and friend deserve a special kind of hell for this. Double betrayals have their own complexity of emotions.

 

I know it's hard now and you cannot keep any food down, but try to eat a little something, maybe yogurt or toast. It is very common to loose significant weight in the weeks following DDay. Some people have lost 20-30 pounds in just weeks, you don't want that to happen!. Drink water so your vomiting does not put you in the hospital. You may need to go to your doctor to get some ADs. Anti anxiety meds sometimes help too, especially once you feel well enough to go back to work.

 

Do you have someone in real life to support you? Family can be a great support.

 

Make sure you get an ass kicking lawyer, go right now and get tested for STDs cause there is no telling how many men your wife slept with or how many MF partners that dirtbag your xfriend slept with. Did you disclose to the BS ? She has the right to know.

 

I know that discovering your entire marriage was a lie is devastating, and I know it doesnt feel like it, but you will be ok. Maybe even better because you can find someone who truly loves you.

 

Rae-think about it. This is what you are doing to them.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Rae-Lana, you are disconnected from reality. You really need professional help. What's keeping you from getting it?

[Trimmer]

I'm messed up I know. But that's what I meant about not understanding why I don't feel worse, my husband is not the nicest person by a long shot but this is wrong I know and he doesn't deserve it. I should feel worse.

This makes perfect sense. When we do horrible things, our minds protect us for as long as possible through a mechanism called denial. We do everything we can to avoid the issue, to the point of performing some pretty complicated mental gymnastics - rewriting history, distorting facts, failing to see the painfully obvious - all kinds of stuff that seems irrational to the objective observer, but it's the desperate scrambling of your psyche trying to keep you from the big crash that is coming.

 

And it is coming - objectively, there's no way you can avoid it. But even this, your mind tries to prevent you from seeing. It is more comforting to believe the falsehood for as long as possible than to confront the truth of what you are hurtling toward.

 

I know this will seem stupid and insane but I don't feel like I'm hurting him if he doesn't know.

And this is the cornerstone of your denial. Again, it makes sense that you would believe this, because without it, the whole structure of your protection mechanism falls apart.

 

However, what you will eventually realize - whether you reach this understanding yourself through insight, or whether it is pounded into you through the trauma of the crash you are heading for - is that you are not preventing the damage by your secrecy. The damage is happening, you are causing it and you are compounding it further, the longer you continue on this course.

 

What you are accomplishing is that you are deferring the pain; you are not avoiding it forever, you are just delaying it until later. And the stress is only going to build even higher as time goes on, so you aren't even making it better, you are just making it worse.

 

The truth will come out, the stress will burst, you will have your earthquake. All this rationalization just prolongs the process, and delays (and makes worse) the inevitable crash.

[rae_lana]

I have kept secrets that I would consider more damaging and bigger than this one for twenty some years. It's very possible this will never come to light.

Not saying its right.

Right now we don't know what we are going to do.