Affair with Friends husband

[rae_lana]

Rae:

 

I assume that in addition to reading our fairly consistent feedback, you have also read the infidelity and divorce sections of LS? There are plenty of people who have been involved in affairs like yours and you can read their stories and the destruction and devistation. There are other forums too that have places for people who want to end affairs can get support surviving infidelity. Have you read those sites?

 

I assume you have read and researched all of those places and know they all describe in a million ways how wrong your thinking continues to be. But you don't care.

 

I assume that because it is so easy to find that the odds of proceeding undiscovered are infinitesimally small, that you believe you are too smart to get caught or you are dillusional.

 

I assume that since all those consistent experiences indicate, and almost guarantee that what you and MM are doing is exponentially harder to handle than a vanilla affair, which is devastating, that you do not care about your husband or MMBS.

 

You justify your actions with excuses like your husband isn't perfect or nice, and the MMBS doesn't like sex.

 

You don't care, you dont listen...so I think I am going to pretend I am giving advice to your H or to the MMBS.

 

Mr. Rae

I am so sorry you find yourself here, your wife and friend deserve a special kind of hell for this. Double betrayals have their own complexity of emotions.

 

I know it's hard now and you cannot keep any food down, but try to eat a little something, maybe yogurt or toast. It is very common to loose significant weight in the weeks following DDay. Some people have lost 20-30 pounds in just weeks, you don't want that to happen!. Drink water so your vomiting does not put you in the hospital. You may need to go to your doctor to get some ADs. Anti anxiety meds sometimes help too, especially once you feel well enough to go back to work.

 

Do you have someone in real life to support you? Family can be a great support.

 

Make sure you get an ass kicking lawyer, go right now and get tested for STDs cause there is no telling how many men your wife slept with or how many MF partners that dirtbag your xfriend slept with. Did you disclose to the BS ? She has the right to know.

 

I know that discovering your entire marriage was a lie is devastating, and I know it doesnt feel like it, but you will be ok. Maybe even better because you can find someone who truly loves you.

 

Rae-think about it. This is what you are doing to them.

 

This makes me want to keep it a secret more.. Not less.

Right now they are happy, neither one of us want to do this to them by telling them what's happened.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Cop out.

 

You will justify and make excuses because you want to. Not because its the right thing to do.

 

Nothing stays a secret forever and you are still in the affair. 6 months, a year, 5 years, the secret will come out. You are stealing their right to have happy marriages with people who love them, friends who are really friends. Why not free them to be happy? Why be so cruel?

 

You are stealing their lives and making decisions for them on what they need to know because you get to control them and you get to be the puppeteer, and you get to watch the entertainment of pulling one over on them. You are enjoying the meanness, the torture. Enjoying it.

 

You really really really are not thinking like a healthy person. I don't know how to be any clearer, you have some kind of mental issue that should be treated.

[rae_lana]

Cop out.

 

You will justify and make excuses because you want to. Not because its the right thing to do.

 

Nothing stays a secret forever and you are still in the affair. 6 months, a year, 5 years, the secret will come out. You are stealing their right to have happy marriages with people who love them, friends who are really friends. Why not free them to be happy? Why be so cruel?

 

You are stealing their lives and making decisions for them on what they need to know because you get to control them and you get to be the puppeteer, and you get to watch the entertainment of pulling one over on them. You are enjoying the meanness, the torture. Enjoying it.

 

You really really really are not thinking like a healthy person. I don't know how to be any clearer, you have some kind of mental issue that should be treated.

 

I'm really trying to figure it out. I'm not saying I'm doing the right thing I'm saying it feels like the right thing not to tell them something that will obviously cause them a bunch of pain.

We are all on holiday together. Every day we wake up together go to sleep 10 feet apart. Nothing inappropriate has happened in like three week. We haven't even spoken about it in a week. We are still alone a lot but haven't brought it up at all. It's like we just push it to the back of our minds.

 

Is this an affair? I have no idea what this is. He says so many things and I say and feel so many things but how can we shut it off so easy when we are all together. I feel like most people wouldn't be able to so that.

I still think about it non stop and I want to know if he is too.

 

I want to do the right thing but I don't feel right now that telling them is the answer.

[rae_lana]

The things his wife says about him to me are so hurtful. I get that everyone thinks she is being terribly wronged, and she is.. But I don't understand how she can't see the things she says make him ache for affection and connection to someone else. He is an amazing person and tries so hard to make her happy, I can't explain it I guess..

My husband doesn't say those kinds of things about me and he is constantly telling me I'm beautiful and he's attracted to me, but he is so annoyed when I speak. Again hard to explain. But when the four of us are together we each give each other a little of what we crave and it feels so good.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I have kept secrets that I would consider more damaging and bigger than this one for twenty some years. It's very possible this will never come to light.

Not saying its right.

Right now we don't know what we are going to do.

 

Really, you don't know how damaging this can be. Right now, you hold the power, the tables will turn during Dday. I'm not sure that you can realize any damage that is not your own at the moment. When Dday comes, and it will, you will feel the damage.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

The things his wife says about him to me are so hurtful. I get that everyone thinks she is being terribly wronged, and she is.. But I don't understand how she can't see the things she says make him ache for affection and connection to someone else. He is an amazing person and tries so hard to make her happy, I can't explain it I guess..

My husband doesn't say those kinds of things about me and he is constantly telling me I'm beautiful and he's attracted to me, but he is so annoyed when I speak. Again hard to explain. But when the four of us are together we each give each other a little of what we crave and it feels so good.

 

See neither couple is focused on solving the marital problems because you have an outlet outside the marriage.

 

She and your husband may be horrible awful people and you and MM merely victims, or maybe they are coping with the weird dynamic you all have that has sexual undercurrents and getting angry.

 

He tries SO SO hard to make her happy he fux her best friend...awesome. Just what I want to make me happy.

 

Your husband is so attracted to you that he would be jumping for joy that you are banging his best friend so you can get over his being annoyed with you.

 

Yes you are still in the affair. You are still mentally in the affair, you still spend time alone, you still have secrets.

 

Nobody would ever believe you have not been banging like rabbits all this time. Every day you keep this up it gets worse and worse. Train wreck.

 

I feel really sorry for your husband. And your MM BS.

[KAOJ]

I do not want to lose my marriage or our friendship.

 

 

You are going to lose BOTH your marriage and your friendship.

 

Are hinting at trying to have a polyamorous relationship with the whole group?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Rae you are mistaken if you think this will work. Please listen to what hose of us who have been through this are trying to tell you. This is going to be a disaster. Come clean now.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Rae

 

Assuming you are still on vacation with the MM, MMBS, BH.

 

I realize that I have been harsh and critical because I thought if you stopped it now and came clean, you might lose your friendship but you could save two marriages. I wanted you to do the right thing. And you are wrong about people on LS not understanding the details. We actually do. All the BS, OM, OW, friends, children, parents, siblings, coworkers, counselors, lawyers on here who have tried to get you to see it, because we have been in, or cleaned up after the devastation.

 

I guess I had an epiphany. I think you need to do this, you need to make this horrible self destructive choice because you need this lesson. You cannot learn the easy way. You need it to go nuclear. That really is the only thing that is going to get you back to reality.

 

So best of luck to you. Send your husband and MMBS here after it comes out so we can try to help them.

[rae_lana]

Can't say I know what's going to happen but again, we are just trying to all be friends for now. We have not said anything to each other that we wouldn't in front of everyone else in over a week and its been almost two weeks except for one conversation.. Nothing physical in a month. We will figure out how to fix this.

 

Nothing we are doing would make anyone think anything is up. I know you all assume it must be obvious but you are wrong.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This is a time bomb waiting explode, but you aren't going to listen to any of us who have actually been there. You know best so you will do what you want.

 

Good luck - we will be here when the bomb goes off.

[mr h]

I was in the same EXACT situation as you are in. If you have any questions send me a message.

[whichwayisup]

We will figure out how to fix this.

 

You mean figure out ways to continue your A and make fools of your trusting and unsuspecting spouses....

 

Nothing we are doing would make anyone think anything is up. I know you all assume it must be obvious but you are wrong.

 

Of course your spouses don't suspect! Why would they? There's total trust and faith, a friendship between the four of you so why on earth would your H and his W even think that something is going on.

 

Just be prepared for the one or both of them DO wake up. Please own your part in all this and be honest to them. Double betrayal is much worse and harder to deal with.

[The Way I Am]

We will figure out how to fix this.

 

What is your idea of fixing it? Do you still intend to leave your marriages? Ask for the (ridiculous, unrealistic long shot) foursome marriage thing? Secretly keep up the affair indefinitely? End the affair and keep it secret?

 

Just thinking you can "fix this" seems unrealistically optimistic and an over simplification of your circumstances, so I'm curious what solution you have in mind.

[Trimmer]

I have kept secrets that I would consider more damaging and bigger than this one for twenty some years.

...and developed into a person who is capable of having normal, healthy, adult relationships with others, based on respect, honesty, and a recognition of appropriate and mutually agreeable boundaries? Well, then I guess that secret-keeping thing works out OK after all...

[findingnemo]

Can't say I know what's going to happen but again, we are just trying to all be friends for now. We have not said anything to each other that we wouldn't in front of everyone else in over a week and its been almost two weeks except for one conversation.. Nothing physical in a month. We will figure out how to fix this.

 

Nothing we are doing would make anyone think anything is up. I know you all assume it must be obvious but you are wrong.

 

So what is the point of all the discussion then? You guys have everything under control. You have both figured out a way to fix it. I'm not sure what that is but hey...

 

Why is all this stuff still bothering you so much? There's something on your mind. Something deep that is making you stay on this thread even when you say you have it all figured out. What is it?

[rae_lana]

I don't exactly know what we are going to do. Both of us are treating each other as only friends right now and trying to focus on our spouses.

[rae_lana]

...and developed into a person who is capable of having normal, healthy, adult relationships with others, based on respect, honesty, and a recognition of appropriate and mutually agreeable boundaries? Well, then I guess that secret-keeping thing works out OK after all...

 

I really didn't think the things that happened when I was a teenager had anything to do with this and yes I'm considering that they did now.. So I don't think anything here people have said to me has been a waste.. It's helped me. I am not trying to say I'm some kind of saint I know I'm messed up. I'm not proud of it.

[rae_lana]

So what is the point of all the discussion then? You guys have everything under control. You have both figured out a way to fix it. I'm not sure what that is but hey...

 

Why is all this stuff still bothering you so much? There's something on your mind. Something deep that is making you stay on this thread even when you say you have it all figured out. What is it?

 

 

I know it's really wrong and it's very confusing and painful to me that I still feel like I love this guy and I feel like he loves me but I love my husband and his wife to. I don't get how I am like two totally different people. I don't get how I can not feel even a tiny bit guilty when we are all I a room together or when she's complaining about him, or when I'm with him alone, or with my husband, but then when I'm alone I feel like I've been stabbed. I feel really alone. I feel really alone right now and I feel like I have two personalities. It's a little scary and confusing and I can hear a million times to tell someone or go to counselling but I have no intention to do those things. That freaks me out more because this is not who I was only a year ago.

[rae_lana]

I'm not thinking of ways to continue the affair or leave my marriage. We are just putting it out of our minds right now and it's been ok.

 

Unless I talk to him about it I have nobody to talk to, and I don't want to talk to him about it.. So yes, I keep coming back here, I don't want to feel attacked. I'm not trying to play a victim I'm just trying to cope.

[rae_lana]

I was in the same EXACT situation as you are in. If you have any questions send me a message.

 

I'm not sure how to message you but you could me?

[2sunny]

You can't UNDO what's already been done.

 

Pretending like it never happened is the same behavior you've used to accommodate your abusive past. How well has that worked out for you?

 

Have you considered getting honest about what you've really been doing?

 

Can you at least see a counselor and reveal all of your truths so that you can sift through your painful experiences and learn a NEW method of operating?

 

Living in lies and cover up isn't the way to feeling free...

[mr h]

You have it blocked, you can unblock it in settings.

[Trimmer]

I'm not sure how to message you but you could me?

First, you have to be a member for at least some vaguely-defined amount of time, plus have at least a vaguely-defined number of posts (widely believed to be around 50) in order to have PM privileges. Subscribing (becoming a "supporting member") - even for a single month - will give you PM privileges immediately, irrespective of time or posts.

 

At least in the olden days, once you become eligible for PM's, your PM capability was initially turned off by default, so you had to go into your "My Profile/CP" Control Panel, and on the left, go to "Settings and Options | Edit Options" and on this page, find the checkbox for "Enable Private Messaging" and check it. If this option does not appear, then you aren't eligible yet. I don't know if the system still defaults to that state for new members like it used to, but it's worth a check if you don't seem to have PM's yet.

[findingnemo]

I know it's really wrong and it's very confusing and painful to me that I still feel like I love this guy and I feel like he loves me but I love my husband and his wife to. I don't get how I am like two totally different people. I don't get how I can not feel even a tiny bit guilty when we are all I a room together or when she's complaining about him, or when I'm with him alone, or with my husband, but then when I'm alone I feel like I've been stabbed. I feel really alone. I feel really alone right now and I feel like I have two personalities. It's a little scary and confusing and I can hear a million times to tell someone or go to counselling but I have no intention to do those things. That freaks me out more because this is not who I was only a year ago.

 

You are kind of losing it, Rae. You need to accept that the help you need is not here. Those things that happened to you as a teenager have a lot more influence than you think. If not, don't you want to know what's going on? Change your thinking on counseling. Find someone who you can talk to before it's too late.

Edited July 23, 2013 by findingnemo
Typos