Affair with Friends husband

[v8crazy]

What are you going to do if your boyfriend is killed and your husband is in jail.

It is in the news all the time.

[rae_lana]

It's been 2 weeks since we have talked about any of this.. Or spoken privately other than in group situations.

 

I miss talking to him a lot but he knows I wanted to cool down a bit and I have decides I'm not going to instigate anymore conversations for now. I welcome advice.

 

People seem to think we can't go back to being just friends but seems like its been ok. His wife says he's really grumpy at home though and I have been too. How do I stop that, seeing al my husbands faults they stand out when I'm missing OM and I don't mean for them too. They are very different people I want to be able to enjoy what they both have to offer and not be looking around with fantasy glasses on.. I want to know what's really going on and not have my judgment clouded anymore.

[rae_lana]

What are you going to do if your boyfriend is killed and your husband is in jail.

It is in the news all the time.

 

Well wouldn't that be horrible. I don't think that's something that's a worry here. I am not worth killing over and I think they would both agree.

[The Way I Am]

People seem to think we can't go back to being just friends but seems like its been ok. His wife says he's really grumpy at home though and I have been too. How do I stop that, seeing al my husbands faults they stand out when I'm missing OM and I don't mean for them too.

 

I just want to point out that you claim things have been ok then go on to detail how things have in fact NOT been ok.

 

Does that at all make you see validity in why people think you can't go back to being friends? Have you ever successfully gone from sleeping with a man to just being friends with him? Even when both people are single, that just doesn't work -- unless the people have been apart for a significant period of time. People can sometimes be friends after they've been away from each other and neither person still has feelings for the other.

 

With infidelity in the equation though, I wouldn't recommend even trying to be friends after an extended absence. There are several reasons why that wouldn't be a good idea.

Edited July 25, 2013 by The Way I Am

[Trimmer]

I just want to point out that you claim things have been ok then go on to detail how things have in fact NOT been ok.

Man, the exact same thing popped out to me, as if it were a big flashing sign, as soon as I read that post. "It's all cool. Except now there are all these not-cool things."

[rae_lana]

So are my emotions real or have I learned to fake them so well even I'm confused? People who know me would describe me as a very emotional person.. But since I was about 10 years old I've learned to adjust how I react based on how I think other people would react in the same situation.. It's almost like I taught myself how I'm supposed to behave.. I taught myself so well obviously but even I get confused sometimes on if I really feel what I'm showing to the outside world.

 

I get sad I cry I get angry and much more likely to get sad than angry.. And I definitely feel happiness, and guilt about things.. I feel horrible for other people when I hear bad things happen..

 

But it's almost like I am more likely to feel bad about somebody else's situation than the things I am doing..

 

If somebody else told me is exact story I would be disgusted and feel horrible for my husband for my friend I would think I was an awful person. But it's not like that.. I am not disgusted with myself.. I feel almost numb like Im watching a movie about this happening.. I could somebody else living this life.

 

I do think I must feel guilt and it's coming out in how I treat my husband lately. I'm irritated and grumpy with him a lot. But not with my friend I can sit and talk to her and have a full conversation not feel anything bad about what I'm doing.. I feel like I love her and I want her to be happy I would do anything for her..

That's how I feel.

 

But I should not be able to sleep at night. I should be able to laugh and joke with her or my husband or him when were all in the same room. But I can no problem.

 

I will cry watching a commercial about the SPCA.. That's real emotion I feel bad for children who need food .. Or wives who have been beaten by their husbands for women who have been cheated on for men who lost their children.. I do feel emotion.. But is it fake .. like I just taught myself what I'm supposed to feel?? I have no idea. This happening makes me think my mind literally picks and chooses what it feels when it suits me..

Edited July 30, 2013 by rae_lana

[Pierre]

So are my emotions real or have I learned to fake them so well even I'm confused? People who know me would describe me as a very emotional person.. But since I was about 10 years old I've learned to adjust how I react based on how I think other people would react in the same situation.. It's almost like I taught myself how I'm supposed to behave.. I taught myself so well obviously but even I get confused sometimes on if I really feel what I'm showing to the outside world.

 

I get sad I cry I get angry and much more likely to get sad than angry.. And I definitely feel happiness, and guilt about things.. I feel horrible for other people when I hear bad things happen..

 

But it's almost like I am more likely to feel bad about somebody else's situation than the things I am doing..

 

If somebody else told me is exact story I would be disgusted and feel horrible for my husband for my friend I would think I was an awful person. But it's not like that.. I am not disgusted with myself.. I feel almost numb I can watch a movie.. I could somebody else living this life.

 

I do think I must feel guilt and it's coming out in how I treat my husband lately. I'm irritated and grumpy with him a lot. But not with my friend I can sit and talk to her and have a full conversation not feel anything bad about what I'm doing.. I feel like I love her and I want her to be happy I would do anything for her..

That's how I feel.

 

But I should not be able to sleep at night. I should be able to laugh and joke with her or my husband or him when were all in the same room. But I can no problem.

 

I will cry watching a commercial about the SPCA.. That's real emotion I feel bad for children who need food .. Or wives who have been beaten by their husbands for women who have been cheated on for men who lost their children.. I do feel emotion.. But is it fake .. like I just taught myself what I'm supposed to feel?? I have no idea. This happening makes me think my mind literally picks and chooses what it feels when it suits me..

 

You do not lead an authentic life. Do you realize how tiring that is?

[rae_lana]

I've never in my life trusted anybody 100 percent.

 

This must be why.

 

Because I know you absolutely cannot trust anybody.. Anybody could be faking how they feel anybody can just be saying what they want you to hear.. Not one person in my life would believe for one second that this is really happening unless they had proof.

 

Because this is not the person anybody knows me as.

[rae_lana]

You do not lead an authentic life. Do you realize how tiring that is?

 

I'm realizing. This happening has made me realize that I've been living this way for 18 years.. Maybe more. I just thought it was normal... I mean I knew I was different from very very young.. I knew I thought differently than other people I was very observant about feelings and emotions .. And from the very first time I heard the word sociopath I wondered if that's what I was but I figured I couldn't be because I do cry especially when I'm all alone .. I do feel real emotions.. But I have no idea what those same emotions feel like to other people I just know how they react to them .. maybe I just taught myself how to feel them?? I don't know.

 

Because when I hear about a friend sleeping with her friends husband I'm immediately grossed out immediately think somebody should tell that friend.. Yet, I have no intention to do that. I haven't cried about this I haven't felt sick to my stomach about it and I have no problem joking and laughing with them as a couple or her or my husband individually.. What the **** is wrong with me.

 

Most people would book a therapist immediately! I'm not going too.

[Pierre]

I've never in my life trusted anybody 100 percent.

 

This must be why.

 

Because I know you absolutely cannot trust anybody.. Anybody could be faking how they feel anybody can just be saying what they want you to hear.. Not one person in my life would believe for one second that this is really happening unless they had proof.

 

Because this is not the person anybody knows me as.

 

Of course you cannot trust. You ultimately judge others from your perspective. I hate to say this and i apologize if I am too blunt, but you cannot be trusted. Folks like you trust no one.

 

Secondly, you have to fake it or live in a non authentic manner because you are so insecure you cannot be yourself. You have to put in a show 100% of the time. This is the very definition of extreme low self esteem.

 

Your inner self is not congruent with your outer shell. There is a huge mismatch and it must be exhausting to keep this up.

 

The mismatch between your inner shell and outer shell is now gigantic. You are deceiving everybody around you and at the same time you have to pretend you are a nice loving wife, mother, and friend. This has got to be very difficult to do. Where do you get the energy?

[rae_lana]

People keep saying this is going to blow up and it's inevitable.. But I'm 99% sure the only way this will ever come out is it him or I confess. Or somebody catches us in the act which I don't think is going to happen because we are very careful. The physical side of this is has only been about once a month since it started .. (A lot more the first two months but we quickly realized that was a mess!)

 

The majority of this is emotional and it did involve a lot of texting at first and picture messages.. None of which we saved. In the last month it's been very intensely emotional but literally with only one conversation about this had.. Instead it's just us looking at each other completely unspoken.. We have only went about two days without seeing each other this entire month, 90% of those situations we are all together as couples.

 

None of us have children but both of us have younger family members living in the house. Obviously I can't give away too many details but there are specific reasons we don't want to divorce our spouses, the biggest one being we love them. They went perfect but look who's talking.

 

I don't exactly know how OM feels. His words all sound very romantic and exactly what I want to hear. Which is exactly why I question everything he says. This entire time I have strongly said this is not about love it's only about sex.. He agreed. We had one brief conversation about me falling for him and he said he would leave his wife and be with me.. It was one conversation we haven't talked about it since. And I don't really want that and neither does he.. That I believe. But I do believe he's in love with me and that I am with him.

 

It's not an affair bubble. In our group we don't filter ourselves.. Obviously there's a lot neither of us say to other people! But otherwise we are ourselves

Edited July 30, 2013 by rae_lana

[Pierre]

I'm realizing. This happening has made me realize that I've been living this way for 18 years.. Maybe more. I just thought it was normal... I mean I knew I was different from very very young.. I knew I thought differently than other people I was very observant about feelings and emotions .. And from the very first time I heard the word sociopath I wondered if that's what I was but I figured I couldn't be because I do cry especially when I'm all alone .. I do feel real emotions.. But I have no idea what those same emotions feel like to other people I just know how they react to them .. maybe I just taught myself how to feel them?? I don't know.

 

Because when I hear about a friend sleeping with her friends husband I'm immediately grossed out immediately think somebody should tell that friend.. Yet, I have no intention to do that. I haven't cried about this I haven't felt sick to my stomach about it and I have no problem joking and laughing with them as a couple or her or my husband individually.. What the **** is wrong with me.

 

Most people would book a therapist immediately! I'm not going too.

 

You are used to be non authentic. Excuse my words, but you are faking it. You fake it because you want to be accepted and liked.

 

 

You probably go all out with the sex with OM so he can tell say you are good in bed. You need to be validated and this rules your behavior. Being angry at the infidelity in others makes you look good in public. Being angry at your own infidelity does not make you look good in front of others. This is just a part of your inner struggle and the massive incongruency between your inner self and and outer fake personality.

[rae_lana]

Of course you cannot trust. You ultimately judge others from your perspective. I hate to say this and i apologize if I am too blunt, but you cannot be trusted. Folks like you trust no one.

 

Secondly, you have to fake it or live in a non authentic manner because you are so insecure you cannot be yourself. You have to put in a show 100% of the time. This is the very definition of extreme low self esteem.

 

Your inner self is not congruent with your outer shell. There is a huge mismatch and it must be exhausting to keep this up.

 

The mismatch between your inner shell and outer shell is now gigantic. You are deceiving everybody around you and at the same time you have to pretend you are a nice loving wife, mother, and friend. This has got to be very difficult to do. Where do you get the energy?

 

This is so dead on. Be as blunt as you need to be, you seem to get exactly what's going on. I don't know what to do. Everyone says get counselling! .. I have tried.. I never tell the truth there either. I've tried. Literally the words will not come out of my mouth.

 

That's what I mean when I say I will never speak this out loud. I won't confess..

 

Because honestly the words would never leave my mouth, I can't make my brain make me speak them out loud.

[Pierre]

People keep saying this is going to blow up and it's inevitable.. But I'm 99% sure the only way this will ever come out is it him or I confess. Or somebody catches us in the act which I don't think is going to happen because we are very careful. The physical side of this is has only been about once a month since it started .. (A lot more the first two months but we quickly realized that was a mess!)

 

The majority of this is emotional and it did involve a lot of texting at first and picture messages.. None of which we saved. In the last month it's been very intensely emotional but literally with only one conversation about this had.. Instead it's just us looking at each other completely unspoken.. We have only went about two days without seeing each other this entire month, 90% of those situations we are all together as couples.

 

None of us have children but both of us have younger family members living in the house. Obviously I can't give away too many details but there are specific reasons we don't want to divorce our spouses, the biggest one being we love them. They went perfect but look who's talking.

 

I don't exactly know how OM feels. His words all sound very romantic and exactly what I want to hear. Which is exactly why I question everything he says. This entire time I have strongly said this is not about love it's only about sex.. He agreed. We had one brief conversation about me falling for him and he said he would leave his wife and be with me.. It was one conversation we haven't talked about it since. And I don't really want that and neither does he.. That I believe. But I do believe he's in love with me and that I am with him.

 

It's not an affair bubble. In our group we don't filter ourselves.. Obviously there's a lot neither of us say to other people! But otherwise we are ourselves

 

The bubble is not fantasy. The bubble is just a different reality. This reality is only known and shared by the two of you. And then you have the reality of his marriage and your marriage.

 

I suspect that if we break all three bubbles and the three realities get combined everything the two of you said becomes bullshyte. It is real in the bubble, but once the bubble is broken you will see something else.

[Pierre]

This is so dead on. Be as blunt as you need to be, you seem to get exactly what's going on. I don't know what to do. Everyone says get counselling! .. I have tried.. I never tell the truth there either. I've tried. Literally the words will not come out of my mouth.

 

That's what I mean when I say I will never speak this out loud. I won't confess..

 

Because honestly the words would never leave my mouth, I can't make my brain make me speak them out loud.

 

You cannot tell the truth to the IC person. The impact to your esteem would be too much.

 

But, the truth will set you free.

[rae_lana]

You are used to be non authentic. Excuse my words, but you are faking it. You fake it because you want to be accepted and liked.

 

 

You probably go all out with the sex with OM so he can tell say you are good in bed. You need to be validated and this rules your behavior. Being angry at the infidelity in others makes you look good in public. Being angry at your own infidelity does not make you look good in front of others. This is just a part of your inner struggle and the massive incongruency between your inner self and and outer fake personality.

 

I can write what's happened and what I'm thinking but I can't make myself say it out loud its so messed up.

 

So I'm realizing I taught myself how I'm supposed to act based on what I think other people want.. But I really feel those emotions.. Like when I learned she had been cheated on the first time I ached for her, I was disgusted and so upset.. But then I can do this?

[rae_lana]

I am not in contact with any of my biological family members. Or anyone that knew me before I was 18 at all really. Everyone now knows pretty much the complete truth about my childhood but almost half of what I say about 10 and on is a lie.. Made up. I started doing that back then too. It's not made up as on completely fake.. Just changed and I would tell different people completely different things and back then when I wasn't good at it I got figured out a couple times.. A couple friends talked and compared stories and realized I was bull****. It never happened again.

 

I never got caught again.

[Pierre]

I am not in contact with any of my biological family members. Or anyone that knew me before I was 18 at all really. Everyone now knows pretty much the complete truth about my childhood but almost half of what I say about 10 and on is a lie.. Made up. I started doing that back then too. It's not made up as on completely fake.. Just changed and I would tell different people completely different things and back then when I wasn't good at it I got figured out a couple times.. A couple friends talked and compared stories and realized I was bull****. It never happened again.

 

I never got caught again.

 

We humans sometimes try to change the past by lying about it. We diminish the bad and exaggerate the good and after a while we think it is reality. It is a compensatory mechanism.

 

Your self esteem is low and when OM looks at you with lust you get horny and validated. This normal sensation is exaggerated in you because you need validation. A healthy woman may enjoy the fact that another man admires her body, but she is able to move on. This admiration is just a bit of frosting on the cake for someone that has intrinsic happiness and no need for more validation. However, for you this is like water after you have been in the desert for three days.

[scatterd]

I have been reading your post. I wish you would come clean to your husband and OM wife. Their marriages are not at all what they think. It could take years before you are caught but one day it will happen. Save them from waisting any more time. Life is way to short and they deserve more then this. If you have any love for them you will give them knowledge and the freedom to make their own choices with the truth. Furthermore that would be a step closer to loving yourself more.

[The Way I Am]

This is so dead on. Be as blunt as you need to be, you seem to get exactly what's going on. I don't know what to do. Everyone says get counselling! .. I have tried.. I never tell the truth there either. I've tried. Literally the words will not come out of my mouth.

 

How many therapy sessions have you had and how many therapists have you been to?

[rae_lana]

How many therapy sessions have you had and how many therapists have you been to?

 

After a pretty big incident when I was 15 my mom sent me to a counsellor.. Not sure what her qualifications were or anything she mostly just talked to me about how I felt.. and about a specific situation the rest of the time.. I saw her a couple times a week for a few months. I gave her a very cleaned up version of my life at the time and felt I had too if I wanted to stay living where I did.

 

I saw another therapist that specialised in bipolar disorder .. Only saw her a couple of times and that was in the process of being diognosed bipolar but I never followed up really., and then a couple years ago me and my husband did marital counselling once a week for a few months... We actually tried two different counsellors .. And my current doctor I've talked to a lot but again.. She only knows half truths.

[aliveagain]

If you can't speak the words, write it out for them, don't use that as an excuse. Fooling other people, your husband included is one thing but what your doing to yourself is a much bigger crime. My ex was bipolar, she could sell anything to anyone, at least she could start the process, she never followed through to finish it. She stopped taking her meds because she liked the high she got when she was manic, what a sh*t storm that turned into. That's when I discovered that adultery is often one of the symptoms of the disease. An affair child from Other Man was my reward. Get help if you even suspect you are bipolar, don't wait until you start to hallucinate, you are most likely not thinking right even if you believe you are, you can never get better without help. That would explain the way you talk about cheating.

[The Way I Am]

After a pretty big incident when I was 15 my mom sent me to a counsellor.. Not sure what her qualifications were or anything she mostly just talked to me about how I felt.. and about a specific situation the rest of the time.. I saw her a couple times a week for a few months. I gave her a very cleaned up version of my life at the time and felt I had too if I wanted to stay living where I did.

 

I saw another therapist that specialised in bipolar disorder .. Only saw her a couple of times and that was in the process of being diognosed bipolar but I never followed up really., and then a couple years ago me and my husband did marital counselling once a week for a few months... We actually tried two different counsellors .. And my current doctor I've talked to a lot but again.. She only knows half truths.

 

Your first experience was 15 and sounds like you didn't get to choose who you talked to or whether you got to go. Did you find it helpful at all? It doesn't sound like you did. It sounds like you loathed it. If it wasn't a good experience, that could have negatively colored your opinion on therapy all together. (Kind of like how when I was a kid, hair stylists gave me horrible hair cuts that my mom wanted so now I still hate going to hair salons.)

 

If you look at your history of therapy objectively, you've only talked to 2 counselors/therapists by yourself. The odds of them being people you're comfortable talking to are pretty low. If the average person picked 2 people at random, odds are they wouldn't feel comfortable telling those people their biggest secrets and most painful memories.

 

I've talked to 3 therapists, and only 1 was of any use. One seemed like a nut ball and had really stupid suggestions. Another was intelligent and good at her job, but I just didn't feel comfortable talking to her. It wasn't of much help to me, because I couldn't tell her anything that personal since I didn't want her to have a bad opinion of me.

 

Finding a therapist is like dating. You're not going to click with everyone. Going to 2 individual counselors and 2 marriage counselors and saying you're never going to be able to open up to someone enough to work out your issues is like going on 2 dates and 2 group dates then deciding you'll never meet a guy you like so you might as well live your entire life with cats.

 

At the risk of harping on it -- If you really want to improve this situation (sometimes I'm not sure, but sometimes I think you do) working on yourself is the top priority. The best way is to find a therapist that you click with. Though if that's financially impossible, I can understand -- and there might be other options such as books and online resources.

 

I'm hoping maybe I've changed your mind just a bit about a counselor. But not that hopeful. I expect you won't be convinced, and I'm going to feel lucky if you're just not mad at me for still suggesting it.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

You have mentioned several times that you might be a sociopath or bi polar. You might be.

 

Why do you want to figure that out?

 

If therapy is out..what difference is a diagnosis?

[rae_lana]

Your first experience was 15 and sounds like you didn't get to choose who you talked to or whether you got to go. Did you find it helpful at all? It doesn't sound like you did. It sounds like you loathed it. If it wasn't a good experience, that could have negatively colored your opinion on therapy all together. (Kind of like how when I was a kid, hair stylists gave me horrible hair cuts that my mom wanted so now I still hate going to hair salons.)

 

If you look at your history of therapy objectively, you've only talked to 2 counselors/therapists by yourself. The odds of them being people you're comfortable talking to are pretty low. If the average person picked 2 people at random, odds are they wouldn't feel comfortable telling those people their biggest secrets and most painful memories.

 

I've talked to 3 therapists, and only 1 was of any use. One seemed like a nut ball and had really stupid suggestions. Another was intelligent and good at her job, but I just didn't feel comfortable talking to her. It wasn't of much help to me, because I couldn't tell her anything that personal since I didn't want her to have a bad opinion of me.

 

Finding a therapist is like dating. You're not going to click with everyone. Going to 2 individual counselors and 2 marriage counselors and saying you're never going to be able to open up to someone enough to work out your issues is like going on 2 dates and 2 group dates then deciding you'll never meet a guy you like so you might as well live your entire life with cats.

 

At the risk of harping on it -- If you really want to improve this situation (sometimes I'm not sure, but sometimes I think you do) working on yourself is the top priority. The best way is to find a therapist that you click with. Though if that's financially impossible, I can understand -- and there might be other options such as books and online resources.

 

I'm hoping maybe I've changed your mind just a bit about a counselor. But not that hopeful. I expect you won't be convinced, and I'm going to feel lucky if you're just not mad at me for still suggesting it.

 

Mad? Of course not. I appreciate everyone's opinions, everyone's being very respectful. I don't know. To write everything out just means there is a record of it and I honestly feel like I'd never tell any therapist the whole truth. I honestly feel like I'd lie. I hate that but I think I'm right.