Affair with Friends husband

[rae_lana]

I do feel desensitized to this though.. I don't know if I'm a sociopath.. I DO feel real emotions just not the same as other people I don't think. I've noticed that I base my reactions on how I think I'm supposed to..

 

But where this I'd concerned I don't really feel a lot about it unless I'm letting myself and trying to focus on it and when I do it's excitement and like a rush when I think about him.. I don't really let myself think about getting caught too much.. That feels painful, but I think about how not to get caught a lot.

 

When I think about him cheating on her with other people.. It hurts me for her.. I feel sick to my stomach and so sad!! But when I think about him having sex with other people when I am with him apart from her.. It's a turn on and we both know we would be in an open relationship and I'm not jealous of him thinking it wanting other people..

 

Messed up? Ya I think so.

 

I'm just being honest I don't really feel like being attacked but I'm not surprised by what anyone's saying and I'm ok with it.. I am listening and considering it all .. I'm just not easily swayed.. I have to think about things for a long time before I know what I want to do.. It doesn't feel like I have a lot of choice in it sometimes.. I just make a decision and go..

Edited August 1, 2013 by rae_lana

[whichwayisup]

The point of the thread.. Like I've said before was that I have nobody to talk to about any of this and being able to talk about it has helped me deal a lot.. I feel much stronger and able to focus now that it's not just festering inside my head..

 

I don't necessarily want to change. I've never said for sure that I did. I don't know for sure what I want. I do definitely feel addicted to this man but I also have no problem calmly hanging out with them as a couple and I am not telling him things against her or otherwise and I really love our friendship, I know the physical affair should stop. I do know that and want to make that happen.. I just don't know how. And as for the emotional side.. I don't see how that can stop at all.. Not being around each other so much. It's mainly an unspoken thing ..

 

Just stop. Tell him that the A (both physical and emotional) is over and you two need to back off of each other. The only REAL way is for you to end it for good and never see or speak to him again but I know you can't/won't do that. For so many reasons.

[whichwayisup]

I do feel desensitized to this though.. I don't know if I'm a sociopath.. I DO feel real emotions just not the same as other people I don't think. I've noticed that I base my reactions on how I think I'm supposed to..

 

But where this I'd concerned I don't really feel a lot about it unless I'm letting myself and trying to focus on it and when I do it's excitement and like a rush when I think about him.. I don't really let myself think about getting caught too much.. That feels painful, but I think about how not to get caught a lot.

 

When I think about him cheating on her with other people.. It hurts me for her.. I feel sick to my stomach and so sad!! But when I think about him having sex with other people when I am with him apart from her.. It's a turn on and we both know we would be in an open relationship and I'm not jealous of him thinking it wanting other people..

 

Messed up? Ya I think so.

 

I'm just being honest I don't really feel like being attacked but I'm not surprised by what anyone's saying and I'm ok with it.. I am listening and considering it all .. I'm just not easily swayed.. I have to think about things for a long time before I know what I want to do.. It doesn't feel like I have a lot of choice in it sometimes.. I just make a decision and go..

 

At least you're being honest with yourself and that is important.

 

Have you considering seeking counseling to help you along with this?

[aliveagain]

You state that it takes you a long time to think about things before you make a decision. Just how long did it take you to decide that having his penis was a good thing when your such a good friend to his wife? Thinking about all the women he's banged is a turn on for you, it excites you, don't forget to discuss that bit of trivia with your husband when your both waiting for your Antiretroviral(ARV) treatment. I think you are at minimum bisexual, have you discussed this open marriage stuff with your husband? In case you haven't noticed you are in an open relationship, the only problem is you haven't told your husband. There's the problem, you are a dishonest person and your OK with it.

[JustJoe]

I do feel desensitized to this though.. I don't know if I'm a sociopath.. I DO feel real emotions just not the same as other people I don't think. I've noticed that I base my reactions on how I think I'm supposed to..

 

But where this I'd concerned I don't really feel a lot about it unless I'm letting myself and trying to focus on it and when I do it's excitement and like a rush when I think about him.. I don't really let myself think about getting caught too much.. That feels painful, but I think about how not to get caught a lot.

 

When I think about him cheating on her with other people.. It hurts me for her.. I feel sick to my stomach and so sad!! But when I think about him having sex with other people when I am with him apart from her.. It's a turn on and we both know we would be in an open relationship and I'm not jealous of him thinking it wanting other people..

 

Messed up? Ya I think so.

 

I'm just being honest I don't really feel like being attacked but I'm not surprised by what anyone's saying and I'm ok with it.. I am listening and considering it all .. I'm just not easily swayed.. I have to think about things for a long time before I know what I want to do.. It doesn't feel like I have a lot of choice in it sometimes.. I just make a decision and go..

See what I mean? Simply more of the same. Ok, we are supposed to feel sorry for poor Lana and her dilema. And of course she is being honest, we all know she would Never lie, don't we?

Tell you what, I'm beginning to think that this is a HS girl with too much time on her hands. All drama and self. Ho Hum I think my time would be better spent elsewhere. See Ya.

[2sunny]

Since you don't intend to change - there's not one thing we can possibly help you with.

 

If you simply need to vent/an outlet - start a blog.

[ComingInHot]

Rae, I gotta agree w/JustJoe. Like on everything.

You agree that you're desensitized & because of that everything you justify doing is so You can feel SOMETHING, evan when you know how abhorrent it is... You have written that pretty much your whole life is a lie. You just wrote you aren't really thinking of changing.

 

From what I've read here, you are going to be hard-pressed to find Anyone who can empathize in the way you are hoping. Mostly, in part, to your Lack of empathy for your fellow human being & especially those you claim to "care" about.

 

JustJoe stated his wonder at posters feeling bad for you. I don't feel badly for you so much as I feel Sorry for you.

What a long & lonely road.

 

So, choosing to do Nothing, is making the decision to continue down this path you Know is wrong & leads to the certain destruction of many of your "loved ones" & You.

 

Good luck chicka, you're going to Need it*

[rae_lana]

None of this has to do with luck. I don't need luck.

 

I'm ok with people questioning if this is real or not, it's very real for me I live it everyday.. Nobody here knows who I am so I'm not worried about lying I've just left out some details.

 

This guy is so confusing. I feel like he's falling in love with me and he's told me so, but not sure I can believe it..

Obviously I am lacking something inside me to be letting this happen.

 

Can someone explain to me what it should look like?? How should I be feeling about this?

 

How is he feeling? Should he be wracked with guilt? It doesn't seem like he is either. He's been irritable and grumpy with her at home she says, is that guilt or him being bored.. No idea.

 

I live my life as if this isn't happening. Nothing on my life has really changed since this started.. 4 years we've known each other and about 8 months the affair has been going on.. Nothing physical for over a month and LC on private conversations the last 4 weeks .. I'm trying to get my head on straight but no idea how and no.. I don't intend to seek counselling. I'm not going to lie and say I am. I don't see the point ..people might not like what I've said here but nobody knows me in real life so I do feel like I can speak the truth and make myself hear both the support and the criticisms..

 

I would not do anything to risk getting caught, it's in no way worth that and we both know that. I get that this is different from an affair where the OM and OW don't know the spouses but its not THAT different.. I get how it's wrong.. Yes..

 

If you are an OW .. Please share with me what makes it different for you? I know it would hurt our spouses much much more than a 'normal' affair.. Any other reasons?

 

If you were or are an OM can you tell me the emotions you were feeling?

What should he be feeling about having a relationship with his wife's best friend? He knows we talk all day long.. Everyday. We all spend a crazy amount of time together.. And he has never once told me he feels guilty.

 

Is the bulk of it that the average person wouldn't be able to take the guilt? And people are shocked that I can? I really want to know.. I'm not doing this for attention.. I write here because its helping. Not offended at all if you don't want to answer.

Edited August 2, 2013 by rae_lana

[The Way I Am]

I don't intend to seek counselling. I'm not going to lie and say I am. I don't see the point ..people might not like what I've said here but nobody knows me in real life so I do feel like I can speak the truth and make myself hear both the support and the criticisms..

 

I would not do anything to risk getting caught, it's in no way worth that and we both know that.

 

In your mind, does getting counseling increase the risk of getting caught? If so, I've got news for you. Posting on this forum is 1000x more risky than going to counseling. A therapist is bound by law not to tell anything you've said unless you say you're planning to physically hurt yourself or someone else. There are several ways your husband could spot your posts here.

 

You're not nearly as clever or as safe from discovery as you think you are.

 

Why does does it matter if this is different than a normal affair? Does that somehow make you feel special? Yes, a person who can lie to their supposed best friend's face, listen to her marital problems, know they're a least partly to blame for those problems, and not give a damn is a more f*cked up person than someone who is just lying to their spouse.

Edited August 2, 2013 by The Way I Am

[JustJoe]

None of this has to do with luck. I don't need luck.

 

I'm ok with people questioning if this is real or not, it's very real for me I live it everyday.. Nobody here knows who I am so I'm not worried about lying I've just left out some details.

 

This guy is so confusing. I feel like he's falling in love with me and he's told me so, but not sure I can believe it..

Obviously I am lacking something inside me to be letting this happen.

 

Can someone explain to me what it should look like?? How should I be feeling about this?

 

How is he feeling? Should he be wracked with guilt? It doesn't seem like he is either. He's been irritable and grumpy with her at home she says, is that guilt or him being bored.. No idea.

 

I live my life as if this isn't happening. Nothing on my life has really changed since this started.. 4 years we've known each other and about 8 months the affair has been going on.. Nothing physical for over a month and LC on private conversations the last 4 weeks .. I'm trying to get my head on straight but no idea how and no.. I don't intend to seek counselling. I'm not going to lie and say I am. I don't see the point ..people might not like what I've said here but nobody knows me in real life so I do feel like I can speak the truth and make myself hear both the support and the criticisms..

 

I would not do anything to risk getting caught, it's in no way worth that and we both know that. I get that this is different from an affair where the OM and OW don't know the spouses but its not THAT different.. I get how it's wrong.. Yes..

 

If you are an OW .. Please share with me what makes it different for you? I know it would hurt our spouses much much more than a 'normal' affair.. Any other reasons?

 

If you were or are an OM can you tell me the emotions you were feeling?

What should he be feeling about having a relationship with his wife's best friend? He knows we talk all day long.. Everyday. We all spend a crazy amount of time together.. And he has never once told me he feels guilty.

 

Is the bulk of it that the average person wouldn't be able to take the guilt? And people are shocked that I can? I really want to know.. I'm not doing this for attention.. I write here because its helping. Not offended at all if you don't want to answer.

And yet more Drama. No offense, but don't you have homework to do? I went back and re-read your posts, and have pretty much come to the conclusion that you aren't who you claim to be.

[rae_lana]

And yet more Drama. No offense, but don't you have homework to do? I went back and re-read your posts, and have pretty much come to the conclusion that you aren't who you claim to be.

 

I wish. I'm a 28 year old woman. I've said several times anyone that knows me wouldn't believe a word of this was me.. And I mean it.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Rae:

 

Since you want to know how you should feel, just go to YouTube and search on Dr. Phil triangles, or affair with best friends husband or whatever, you can watch literally dozens of affairs just like yours.

 

Vanilla.

[aliveagain]

Affairs destroy marriages, period. No one should tell you how to feel, what remorse feels or looks like. If you can't feel these things for yourself yet refuse to get professional help why should we care, after all this is your life? If your marriage were a house and you stopped working on it's upkeep, what do you think would happen to the house? The exact same thing that is starting to happen to your marriage, it will stop filling your needs and will inevitably fall prey to the elements. All the time you could have stopped it but chose not to because your focus was elsewhere.

[JustJoe]

I wish. I'm a 28 year old woman. I've said several times anyone that knows me wouldn't believe a word of this was me.. And I mean it.

It's going to take a lot of convincing to get me to believe that you are 28. I've seen (and so have the other posters) some pretty immature people here on LS, but you are about the tops.

[aliveagain]

"I would not do anything to risk getting caught, it's in no way worth that and we both know that."[/b] Girl you have been banging your friends husband for the last 8 months, you don't consider that risky or potentially marriage ending? What do you consider risky, perhaps crossing a busy intersection wearing clown shoes?

[rae_lana]

:p :p

 

Not sure why you quoted this maybe I explained it wrong?

We've only had sex once. There is a lot more you can do besides intercourse that is physical.. I consider any touching physical since we do not do that in any other situation together.

[rae_lana]

It's going to take a lot of convincing to get me to believe that you are 28. I've seen (and so have the other posters) some pretty immature people here on LS, but you are about the tops.

 

That's understandable. I've always been told I was very mature for my age when I was growing up but maybe that's because I fake emotions and reactions well. I was born in 1985. Even if I was 19 or 20 does it make a huge difference?

[rae_lana]

"I would not do anything to risk getting caught, it's in no way worth that and we both know that."[/b] Girl you have been banging your friends husband for the last 8 months, you don't consider that risky or potentially marriage ending? What do you consider risky, perhaps crossing a busy intersection wearing clown shoes?

 

I guess what I mean is I'd rather never have another physical moment with him if it meant her finding out. I'm realizing the risk and know its not worth it, and I know this was a huge mistake.

[rae_lana]

I get that all this is horrible. I just don't understand how I've kept myself from feeling sick and full of guilt.. I've never done something like this before and I know I'm not going to confess to it but I need it to stop, I wish I could forget it all happened and yes.. I do believe I need to seek a person in real life to lay this all out too, I definitely need real counselling. I'm not sure I can be honest there though I don't know how to force myself, but I feel like I'm going to go insane if I don't.

 

I'm also very scared of this all being in writing with my real name attached. Which is not the case here.

[aliveagain]

Just two quick comments. First, understanding that this is horrible and wrong is a very positive step, second, you may not feel guilty or sick because most cheaters do something called compartmentalization. It allows them to basically live two lives by shutting out one or the other life depending on the situation. Please Google it and read up on it, children who are abused learn to do this well. You cant see the whole picture when you are still in your affair. You need help with this, seriously.

[rae_lana]

Just two quick comments. First, understanding that this is horrible and wrong is a very positive step, second, you may not feel guilty or sick because most cheaters do something called compartmentalization. It allows them to basically live two lives by shutting out one or the other life depending on the situation. Please Google it and read up on it, children who are abused learn to do this well. You cant see the whole picture when you are still in your affair. You need help with this, seriously.

 

Yes I'm figuring that out. I do need to say the words out loud to someone and I'm wondering if doing that will bring the two lives together and ill be able to feel the emotions properly.. I don't know.

 

I wasn't abused in any way that I know of until I was 10. Once it started it didn't stop until I left at 18. It's hard to explain but there was not a lot of violence it was all sexual and all close friends and family until I started doing drugs to deal and then there was a few stranger encounters.. I had a ****ed up few years. I definitely feel like I'm two different people at the same time. I thought I had come to terms with it all.. I've never talked about 90 percent of what happened I did not think it had anything to do with this but it's pretty much screaming at me now that it's all connected.

 

I've known this was wrong the entire time. I just am not feeling guilt or horror in any where near the capacity I should be and it's confusing.

[rae_lana]

People think of sex trafficking as children in other countries but that's not the case. I was basically rented out. I've never connected sex to love.. But at that same time sex is the only way I know how to show someone how much they mean to me.. It's my way of expressing it. But when I met my husband I thought I had fixed that part of me. I was faithful other than fantasies in my head for 8 years.

[rae_lana]

I'm not saying any abuse is the reason for the affair, it's not an excuse or a reason but I think it's why I'm able to continue it without feeling a lot of emotions that I think I should be feeling.

[Trimmer]

Yes I'm figuring that out. I do need to say the words out loud to someone and I'm wondering if doing that will bring the two lives together and ill be able to feel the emotions properly.. I don't know.

 

I wasn't abused in any way that I know of until I was 10. Once it started it didn't stop until I left at 18. It's hard to explain but there was not a lot of violence it was all sexual and all close friends and family until I started doing drugs to deal and then there was a few stranger encounters.. I had a ****ed up few years. I definitely feel like I'm two different people at the same time. I thought I had come to terms with it all.. I've never talked about 90 percent of what happened I did not think it had anything to do with this but it's pretty much screaming at me now that it's all connected.

 

I've known this was wrong the entire time. I just am not feeling guilt or horror in any where near the capacity I should be and it's confusing.

Frankly, I think you're at a very vulnerable point - in a good way. You are recognizing that you have some work to do, and admitting that it would be a good thing to make contact with someone who can help you. I really encourage you to pursue this.

 

When you speak with someone, talk with them first about what the confidentiality guidelines are, in order to put yourself more at ease. I think you'll find that there are very strict boundaries in place to protect your privacy, and that counselors take these very seriously. I hope you will be able to feel like you can go in, close the door, and lay things out as clearly as you have here.

 

I will also point out that that process will be very different from being here on LS in an interesting way. Here you have anonymity - as long as you protect it by hiding your name and any identifiable facts - but NO privacy (it is published all over the world!

 

In counseling, on the other hand, you will have strictly protected privacy, but you will not have anonymity. The counselor will know who you are, and you will look each other in the eye. I think that's an important difference.

 

Here on LS, since you can be anonymous, it kind of still fosters that compartmentalization, doesn't it? It's your anonymous online persona posting these things, and there is a distinct line separating this world from your own. I think there's benefit to that - it seems that you've been able to consider your situation with some outside perspective, and it seems we've helped you see deeper into what is going on.

 

But in counseling, you have to step up as you - it will be harder to compartmentalize, and that is exactly the benefit of sitting in front of someone real and saying "this is me, and this is my truth..." It sounds like you are starting to see that now.

 

Can you just imagine the burden you might relieve (not even talking about your current situation, but just about your adolescence) by allowing yourself to actually speak all of that to someone who will listen and accept it?

[whichwayisup]

I'm not saying any abuse is the reason for the affair, it's not an excuse or a reason but I think it's why I'm able to continue it without feeling a lot of emotions that I think I should be feeling.

 

Please consider counseling rae. You have a lot going on inside of you, past hurts and it's affecting your decisions now in your life.

 

Wishing you strength to do the proper thing so you can have a happier and healthier life.