Affair with Friends husband

[Trimmer]

Everyone always says its not if you get caught.. its when.

 

But I have no doubt people have been able to keep affairs secret forever. No?

Doubtless it happens, but the question is, how likely is it? And what are your risk factors? If two people whose lives, friends, and families are not intermeshed have an affair and then separate and go back to their separate lives, they probably have the best chance of keeping it hidden, although still, nothing is guaranteed.

 

Your situation is the direct opposite of that in many ways - your families are meshed, and in order to maintain the facade, they will continue to be that way into the future {risk factor}. All 4 of you know each other well {risk factor}. And the big one: you continue the affair {risk factor}. Also, if you and your MM are indeed "having fun", what happens when it starts to level off and get a little stale and/or boring? You'll have to ratchet up the excitement, and certainly that will involve taking some kinds of risks. And your MM may well do something risky unilaterally - whether intentional or by mistake - which is a risk factor completely outside your control.

 

Sure, some people do it, but do you really think you're all that different, in terms of being immune to all these risks?

 

However. HOWEVER. When the W discovers that she stuffed down her suspicions and has been playing good sport (aka being FORCED into the doormat position) while the two of you have been pulling the wool over her eyes, she is no longer going to think it's cute. She is going to be DEVASTATED...

Yes. I want to point out to the OP that your betrayal of your friend is many-layered. There is not only the primary betrayal of being with her husband, but also your allowing her to confide in you, knowing all the time what you are doing and what the stakes are. Allowing her to offer you her confident, 100% trust in you, and your acceptance of that trust, listening and connecting like a friend. She will feel this as a deep betrayal, frosted with layers of humiliation.

 

Whether this was in your heart or not, you have let her make (she will likely even feel that you manipulated her into making) an idiot out of herself.

Edited July 11, 2013 by Trimmer

[HopingAgain]

Hmmm. I think you are looking in the wrong place for a sociopath. This actually gives me chills (bad chills).

 

 

 

Why is this? What do you think would happen if you showed the world the real you? What would happen if you just dropped the mask and decided to be yourself and not be influenced by the judgments of others?

 

I was thinking the exact same thing. Anyone that can describe knowingly screwing over their wife and best friend as FUN is a very cold and calculating person. Think about this, OP, he gets pleasure from knowing he is hurting his wife and your husband, by humiliating them right under their noses. Is this the type of man you want to associate with? Is this the kind of woman you want to become? Because that type of person is capable of anything!

[stillafool]

You are a woman who wants to be loved, who is letting your heart lead you while leaving your head behind completely.

 

But ultimately it is up to you to decide who you want to be. You have to make sure your actions back that up.

 

No she is a woman who is already loved - by her husband. God save me from best friends.

 

Okay, tell your husband and your best friend what you're doing. If you are in love with this man set your husband and your best friend free to find someone who will treat them with respect. If you ever had any love for these people please put your big girl panties on and do the decent thing and tell the truth.

 

I hope you and this guy get together and live happily ever after. It certainly sounds like you deserve each other.

[stillafool]

 

 

Whether this was in your heart or not, you have let her make (she will likely even feel that you manipulated her into making) an idiot out of herself.

 

You are right Trimmer. When this thing blows up I wouldn't be surprised if it ends in tragedy.

[2sunny]

What is it you want from this board?

 

IF you plan to continue your affair - you know others will get hurt. Is that what you need to know?

 

You're being very selfish and short sided. You are having sex with your best friends husband. Nothing can make that right! Especially since you PRETEND to be HER friend - you aren't her friend, you are the enemy.

 

Your H deserves to know your truth. Please tell him what's real.

[freestyle]

You are right Trimmer. When this thing blows up I wouldn't be surprised if it ends in tragedy.

 

Even if there's no violence...........

 

Recovering from a double betrayal is way more difficult, and complex than a single betrayal.....

 

From my own experience, being betrayed by a trusted friend, in whom I'd confided---was devastating beyond belief. And it actually hurt more than a romantic betrayal. Finding out that she was pretending to be supportive, when in fact, she was milking me for info to use against me...

 

The two betrayed parties in this scenario, could have their ability to ever trust again permanently damaged beyond repair.

 

And what for?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This whole thing is a recipe for disaster. Look at some of my posts. The likelihood of this guy leaving his wife for you is very small and in the end these relationships you have are going to be blown sky high. The hurt will be unfathomable. It will the worse hurt imaginable. The pain and shame you will feel when it is discovered. The hurt and pain of your husband and his wife (your close friend) when the betrayal is discovered - if they don't know already. Odds are they have an idea. Even good actors/actresses have a hard time pulling this off. The hurt of the families and friends associated if and when this comes out.

 

Then imagine you lying in the street while MM tucks tail and runs and blames YOU for coming on to him - it will become all of your fault - guaranteed.

 

Unfortunately, it really needs to come out now, I hate to say it. The ending will not be pretty. Good luck to you - my heart hurts all over again just thinking about it.

[rae_lana]

I am so glad I wrote here.

 

I am shocked at how understanding people are being while still being honest.

 

I do not want to hurt anyone. I know I can't go back in time and stop this from happening, I do not want to lose my marriage or our friendship.

 

And I am not going to tell anyone this has happened. Neither is he. We are not confessing to this that's been made clear.

 

But I should stop it. And for the first time since its started I think I could actually do that. I think he would be understanding if I told him this because he's been clear with me that developing feelings for me like he has is making it hard to focus in his life already..

 

So what do I do.

[rae_lana]

Hmmm. I think you are looking in the wrong place for a sociopath. This actually gives me chills (bad chills).

 

 

 

Why is this? What do you think would happen if you showed the world the real you? What would happen if you just dropped the mask and decided to be yourself and not be influenced by the judgments of others?

 

I've wondered a few times if he's a narcissist or has sociopathic tendencies.. The reason I've wondered is because I've wondered those things about myself before and he is very similar to me.. But much more extreme in some cases and a lot of red flags suggest he plays life like a game.

 

When I try to show people who I am they walk away. They always have. I've learned what to share with who and when .. And people stay.

[2sunny]

I am so glad I wrote here.

 

I am shocked at how understanding people are being while still being honest.

 

I do not want to hurt anyone. I know I can't go back in time and stop this from happening, I do not want to lose my marriage or our friendship.

 

And I am not going to tell anyone this has happened. Neither is he. We are not confessing to this that's been made clear.

 

But I should stop it. And for the first time since its started I think I could actually do that. I think he would be understanding if I told him this because he's been clear with me that developing feelings for me like he has is making it hard to focus in his life already..

 

So what do I do.

 

You can't have both!

 

IF you intend to stay married - and you intend to end the affair - you must also never communicate in any way with your other man.

 

That means their friendship stops immediately.

 

Can you do THAT for the sake of making your marriage your top priority?

[rae_lana]

You can't have both!

 

IF you intend to stay married - and you intend to end the affair - you must also never communicate in any way with your other man.

 

That means their friendship stops immediately.

 

Can you do THAT for the sake of making your marriage your top priority?

 

No. I would leave my marriage before willingly giving her up in my life. I know you all think I'm a terrible person and not really her friend. But I love her so much.. I care for him a great deal.. I would say love, and my husband too. But this woman means the world to me in a lot of ways. I could not just cut her out. It would make no sense to anyone me doing that..

[2sunny]

I've wondered a few times if he's a narcissist or has sociopathic tendencies.. The reason I've wondered is because I've wondered those things about myself before and he is very similar to me.. But much more extreme in some cases and a lot of red flags suggest he plays life like a game.

 

When I try to show people who I am they walk away. They always have. I've learned what to share with who and when .. And people stay.

 

Get to a counselor and find out what deficiencies YOU need to work on! Stop thinking and worrying about the OM!!!

 

YOU can't control him or his problems - but you CAN control YOU!

 

Get help - you need to find out why you would hurt the people you say you love.

 

And stop pretending you are her friend - you've been screwing her husband - that's not a friend.

[GorillaTheater]

No. I would leave my marriage before willingly giving her up in my life. I know you all think I'm a terrible person and not really her friend. But I love her so much.. I care for him a great deal.. I would say love, and my husband too. But this woman means the world to me in a lot of ways. I could not just cut her out. It would make no sense to anyone me doing that..

 

I hope you get to the point in your life where you can dig up this (by that time) dusty thread, read that post, and wonder just what in the hell you were thinking.

[rae_lana]

I'm aware this sounds insane.

Couldn't me and him just go back to sexual tension and friendship and not cross the physical line again? We are already about to keep it innocent and friendly a lot already.

[2sunny]

No. I would leave my marriage before willingly giving her up in my life. I know you all think I'm a terrible person and not really her friend. But I love her so much.. I care for him a great deal.. I would say love, and my husband too. But this woman means the world to me in a lot of ways. I could not just cut her out. It would make no sense to anyone me doing that..

 

Then end your marriage.

 

And seek professional help to find out why you create harm to the ones you say you love.

 

And seek help on why you think it should all continue without any consequences.

 

There's consequences for every action. You seem to be a cake eater.

 

This will end with a ton of pain.

[2sunny]

I'm aware this sounds insane.

Couldn't me and him just go back to sexual tension and friendship and not cross the physical line again? We are already about to keep it innocent and friendly a lot already.

 

Can't go backwards.

 

It's bound to cause more harm by staying involved in any "friendship".

[rae_lana]

I hope you get to the point in your life where you can dig up this (by that time) dusty thread, read that post, and wonder just what in the hell you were thinking.

 

I think I'm just thinking that these three people complete me.. They all know different pieces of me and I feel like I need them all. I've screwed up big time and I wish I could take it back.

[rae_lana]

I do not want him to leave his wife. I do not want to end my marriage.

[2sunny]

I think I'm just thinking that these three people complete me.. They all know different pieces of me and I feel like I need them all. I've screwed up big time and I wish I could take it back.

 

If you don't feel "complete" all on your own - you have serious issues to work through.

 

Offering half or a portion of yourself to ANY relationship isn't healthy!

 

And your sense of entitlement is way out of whack... Work on that too.

 

Call a counselor now.

 

IF you don't change things - expect it to remain the same.

[GorillaTheater]

IF you don't change things - expect it to remain the same.

 

Either that or remarkably, phenomenally worse.

[Artie Lang]

you keep on saying you love this woman, but you only really love yourself. seriously, you're no friend..... friends don't do this to each other.

 

do you really believe this woman will want to keep you as a friend after this come to light?

 

you mighy not be a typical sociopath, but you are delusional.

 

you knew this man was/is a serial cheater, yet you succumbed to his advances and are now just another notch on his belt- CONGRATULATIONS!

 

furthermore, there is no way this is ending anytime soon. you must go NC for this to come to an end, and by your tone you don't seem willing to do this.

 

 

you do realize you are cuckolding your husband, right?

Edited July 11, 2013 by Artie Lang

[2sunny]

You need to get tested for diseases - all four of you.

[2sunny]

There's NO WAY that this is love.

 

Since you think this is loving behavior - you need SERIOUS help on how delusional you are - and how you think you are her friend... And how you are a wife.

 

YOU participate on a level of EXTREME betrayal and call THAT love? No can do - no way - no how!

 

You can justify it all you want - but I'm sure when your H took his vows he didn't agree to this! And I'm sure your friend doesn't consider screwing her husband "her friend".

 

And you know that since you have to keep it a secret - that it's just so terribly wrong of you to be doing it.

[pteromom]

 

When I try to show people who I am they walk away. They always have. I've learned what to share with who and when .. And people stay.

 

What are you basing this philosophy on? Past failed relationships?

 

All of us go through the "everyone leaves me" phase of life. Is that still true today - that people leave if you show your true self?

 

If it is, you are hanging out with the wrong people. It's not a reflection of YOU that some people don't get you. When you are being real, that happens.

[secretlady76]

On the basis that you have resorted to posting on a forum to get opinions from people you do not know, I am guessing you feel things are starting to get out of control.

 

The situation you are in is very very serious. You and MM are feeding off each other and the whole situation is very very toxic. The longer this goes on for, the worse the outcome will be.

 

For your own sanity you need to finish this. You have two choices. Either you finish it, not tell anyone and move far far away from him (because it will be impossible to carry on living near him), or you expose it and deal with the fallout (and then have to move away I would imagine because the situation will be so grim). Either that or MM moves.

 

This situation is so serious that I worry that someone could get seriously harmed. His wife will (and rightly so) want to totally obliterate you. Your husband will want to harm MM. It will become all wildlife programme. Then both spouses will probably want to R and fight tooth and nail to save the marriages. You two will not be allowed to be part of eachothers lives. You will have to cease any type of contact. You will only be strangers to eachother. That is how it will be. That is how the spouses will insist it will be. And you will have to go through a period of grieving and withdrawal from MM, whilst trying to deal with your own destroyed marriage plus becoming the local leper of the town. Do you honestly think you could carry on living anywhere near this man?

 

Keep talking on here. Keep posting, because I think your D-Day is just around the corner. I think it will happen very very soon.