pteromom Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 And I will go against the current trend, and say it MAY be possible to just stop the affair and stay friends with him. Depends on a lot of things - mainly how able to do that you believe YOU are, and how accepting he will be of your decision. You would basically have to be able to shut off your heart toward him. (No flirting either - that will just lead you right back.) Every day you let this affair go on is another day you are risking everything you say you love. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 And I will go against the current trend, and say it MAY be possible to just stop the affair and stay friends with him. Depends on a lot of things - mainly how able to do that you believe YOU are, and how accepting he will be of your decision. You would basically have to be able to shut off your heart toward him. (No flirting either - that will just lead you right back.) Every day you let this affair go on is another day you are risking everything you say you love. Highly unlikely this is possible. Maybe in a perfect world, but highly unlikely in this scenario. Secretlady is right - her description of what will happen is what WILL happen. I'd be willing to bet her friend is already suspicious but just doesn't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Highly unlikely this is possible. Maybe in a perfect world, but highly unlikely in this scenario. Secretlady is right - her description of what will happen is what WILL happen. I'd be willing to bet her friend is already suspicious but just doesn't know what to do. You are right. All very possible. I have been able to shut off feelings for past romantic partners and go back to friendship, but as I said, it depends on many factors. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 I think your scenario is entirely possible, given the fact that OP and MM have been able to pull off the deceit with both of their BS up to now. Thing is, it doesn't sound like either of them have any plans to knock it off, and a dday is the likely outcome. And when/if that dday happens, it's going to get ugly quick. Fact. They are definitely on borrowed time. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 How would you feel if you found out your "friend" is secretly having sex with your husband? Be honest! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 How would you feel if you found out your "friend" is secretly having sex with your husband? Be honest! Sad and shocked I'd been lied to.. And then probably relieved. That's just the first thing that came to mind. I'm being honest. Even if its not right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 You do not love anyone involved in this mess. You love what you get from these people, you love how they make you feel and what they do for YOU, but you don't care about any of them or what is good for them. It's all about you, what you want and how you feel. There is something psychologically wrong for you to be able to use people this way. I suggest you seek professional help. I do love them. I think people try to define love way to much and it's just not the same for everyone. I would do anything for those close to me. Absolutely anything and this is the first time I've done anything like this ever. It's not just about sex it's just how I tried to reason it.. I went from not believing things happened for any kind of reason to believing everything must. We were supposed to meet. But it wasn't supposed to end up like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 We do not have kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 I'm not saying this is ok. I know it's wrong. I should feel terrible and not be able to look myself in the mirror. I shouldn't be able to look her in the face or kiss my husband but I can. It's not like this is an every day sex binge. We have been together physically only a handful of times and are innocent and friendly most of the time but its still something both of us fixate on. I do not want to steal her husband. When she talks about their marriage I say only good things and try to give her honest insight.. But yes, I'm obviously still lying to her every second. And my husband too. But honestly you people all seem to think this is a runaway train about to derail.. But it's not like that. We seem pretty in control. What's wrong with me that I let it happen and like it, it hasn't all been easy. I do feel guilt. But not like someone, or like I'd expect someone should, for something like this. I'm just being truthful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Is there a possibility your friend knows more than she's letting on? There must be something behind all her questions. My advice would be to stop the A and maybe things will slowly stop being so awkward. I think you'll have a tough time taming OMM however. I don't think so. She's not the kind of person who would straight up say so if she did. When she was first saying all that was before we started up .. Long before because I guess she could tell he liked me. Then again right at the beginning I guess he was being super obvious that he was very into me, and she could tell. We've calmed down considerably since then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Do you tell her husband what she says about him? Nothing of substance no. I have never said a bad word about her to him or the other way around. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 "in control," you say. being in control of this situation is just an illusion. you go on to say that you'd do anything for "those close to you"..... well then, why not stop this nonsense and come clean??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Hmmm I don't know. It sounds like you love your husband and just don't fully realize it in your fantasy sex life right now. I don't think you'd be relieved. If you deep down do believe it would be relief then come clean! Get that relief. End your marriage. You don't have kids. Do it now before you get more invested with your marriage. I don't want to end my marriage. If I found out the two of them were attracted to each other I would be relieved because then we could all just be open about it, OMM would like the same Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 "in control," you say. being in control of this situation is just an illusion. you go on to say that you'd do anything for "those close to you"..... well then, why not stop this nonsense and come clean??? I do intend to try and stop it. Not come clean though.. I believe that's causing them way to much pain and yes I get you people think that's selfish but I don't. I'm thinking of them when I say that. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I get you people think that's selfish but I don't. I'm thinking of them when I say that. seriously, OP? c'mon now. the truth is you won't come clean because of the fallout coming to you and this d0uchebag. your pretty little world would come crashing down and all these mutual friends would turn their backs on you..... you'd be ostracized..... you'd become a social pariah. that's why you would never come clean. BE HONEST. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 You do not love anyone involved in this mess. You love what you get from these people, you love how they make you feel and what they do for YOU, but you don't care about any of them or what is good for them. It's all about you, what you want and how you feel. There is something psychologically wrong for you to be able to use people this way. I suggest you seek professional help. She talks very bad about him sometimes. That in itself should make me see his bad side more but it doesn't. I would never try and start **** between them. I try my best to help. I want them both to be happy I get nobody believes that easily. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 seriously, OP? c'mon now. the truth is you won't come clean because of the fallout coming to you and this d0uchebag. your pretty little world would come crashing down and all these mutual friends would turn their backs on you..... you'd be ostracized..... you'd become a social pariah. that's why you would never come clean. BE HONEST. That has definitely crossed my mind! I am being honest, I've told nothing but the truth here. Just exactly what I'm thinking the best I can. She told me more than once she wished she had never found out he cheated before and she ignores rumours he has again and I do make my husband very happy, whether you think so or not he's happy right now and I want to keep making him happy, I'm just not sexually attracted to him, it's our only real downfall and I do not deny him sex and would be hurting him for the rest of his life by telling him this, no? I feel like if balance could be found, or if we can end this now and just stay friends. Nobody ever has to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 how old are you? you sound very naive and immature in your responses. i ask because it seems you only care about your wants and needs, and could give a **** who you hurt, all the while claiming to be a "good" friend and wife. you have some serious growing up to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 That has definitely crossed my mind! I am being honest, I've told nothing but the truth here. Just exactly what I'm thinking the best I can. She told me more than once she wished she had never found out he cheated before and she ignores rumours he has again and I do make my husband very happy, whether you think so or not he's happy right now and I want to keep making him happy, I'm just not sexually attracted to him, it's our only real downfall and I do not deny him sex and would be hurting him for the rest of his life by telling him this, no? I feel like if balance could be found, or if we can end this now and just stay friends. Nobody ever has to know. I dont think youre listeninh to a thing anyone here is saying. You WILL get found out, its only a matter of time and almost all affairs do. If I were you, I'd start thinking about where to rrlocate to now, because your life as you now know is gonna end come Dday. Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Situations like these are why keep female friends at arms length around my husband. Who in the hell CAN you trust anymore!?! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 oh please. I've been patient but seriously how good could the sex be with your husband if you do not find him sexually attractive? You are not doing him any favors by giving him pity sex or duty sex. If you don't have kids why do you want to stay with a man you are not attracted too??? You don't see how hurt your friend is?? She's never gotten over his previous cheating and she confides this to yu when you know you are doing it to her. OMG do you not see how devastating this will be???? This is like the making of suicidal devastating? She confides in you while you **** her husband. I'm not actively ****ing her husband thanks. It much more emotional than physical. Since it became clear there was feelings, and when I say I'm not sexually attracted to my husband.. I have never been sexually attracted to absolutely anyone like I am this other man. I am hypersexual I crave sex like people do food and way too often. I suppress it as best I can. I've always been a good actress. I enjoy sex with my husband and make sure he enjoys it and not as a chore. I feel connected to him when we are physical, more so than when we talk even. I guess it's impossibly to explain. I'm trying to make the illogical logical. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 I don't think we will get caught. Not if we stop now. Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Even if there's no violence........... Recovering from a double betrayal is way more difficult, and complex than a single betrayal..... From my own experience, being betrayed by a trusted friend, in whom I'd confided---was devastating beyond belief. And it actually hurt more than a romantic betrayal. Finding out that she was pretending to be supportive, when in fact, she was milking me for info to use against me... The two betrayed parties in this scenario, could have their ability to ever trust again permanently damaged beyond repair. And what for? This is so true. It happened to me in my first marriage, about 12 years ago, and all these years and a 2nd marriage later I still don't trust friends enough to bring them around my current husband, into our home, etc. Many will say "well you have to trust your husband no matter what", yes that's true...but once you learn how scheming and calculating false friends are, you never forget the lesson! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 This is so true. It happened to me in my first marriage, about 12 years ago, and all these years and a 2nd marriage later I still don't trust friends enough to bring them around my current husband, into our home, etc. Many will say "well you have to trust your husband no matter what", yes that's true...but once you learn how scheming and calculating false friends are, you never forget the lesson! I do not want to hurt her like this at all. I do wish I could just take it back. I am not trying to take him away from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 affair sex is always more intense. It's the illicit get caught rush factor. Ways to get caught you won't even think about. He tells you things and chats with you ( emotional) then something comes up he doesn't tell his wife about and he insists I told you. No he actually forgot. He never told his wife. He told you his affair partner. This happens enough times... Another. Out together the four of you. You are so close and connected with her husband you share a look, a smile an inside joke without even realizing it. You oops sit on his lap when there's not enough barstools because you are soooo comfortable with him... These are ways my friends got caught...or should I say made the spouse begin investigating. Again I see you are getting aggravated. I am trying to help. You are in a huge downward spiral and are bringing others down with you. The good news is you don't have kids to hurt. So have you tried talking t your husband about swinging? Told him you'd like more variety... Yes I have and the only variety my husband is interested in is inviting in other women. I would never sit on his lap or anything like that. Ever. We are all very close friends its not uncommon for any of us to be alone with the other. Link to post Share on other sites
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