Affair with Friends husband

[Artie Lang]

you've said that. we know that, already..... but you shouldn't be f'ing her husband.

 

DON'T YOU GET IT!!!

[rae_lana]

and yes you are ****ing her husband. Call it way more emotional if it makes you feel better but to your friend and your husband it comes down to you are lying and ****ing each other.

 

Have you seen a counselor over your hypersexuality? Is there a root cause in your childhood?

 

My childhood was ok. My adolescence was an absolute cluster **** and I was raped and abused several times but several people very close to me.. If that's what you are getting at. But that was all over 10 years ago some almost 20 years ago now. I don't see how that accounts for this.

I've talked to a couple different people when I was younger. It's been a few years now.

I'm talking I want sex several times a day and when it's not possible I self satisfy. And yes, for sure I've never known how to really express my feelings to men without it becoming physical but that was before I met my husband. So years ago.. Why now would that change.

[rae_lana]

lol he's just afraid of appearing gay. So he's ok with a threesome with another woman? You're hypersexual. How do you feel about that. It's a start right? You can have another man join you with them both touching you and not one another. Have you asked him about a couple swap in the same room watching each other?

 

Other guy is actively trying to convince my husband this is a good idea. I don't think it is.

 

I think my husband would do it and then highly regret it and everything would change forever

[rae_lana]

Rae yes I am so sorry Yes.

Does your husband know of your past?

I have no training in counseling but I do know that that kind of horrible abuse can make you reach out for sex as a form of validation. Do you have good insurance? Can you go talk to someone?

 

My husband knows of one situation out if several and no details of it, nobody knows of every situation, I have several people who each know a little, nobody knows everything I do not think anyone would think of me the same so I don't intend to change that..

 

I do get that I use sex for validation but for the last 10 years was able to keep sane just fine with my husband and fantasies.. And then this happened and I met for the first time someone who has a lot of the same feelings as me and seems to love every flaw I have. I like that.

 

And I do not understand how anything that happened back then could be stopping me from feeling as bad or as guilty as I should about what I'm doing.

 

I don't think it's a fair excuse for me to use.

 

In one situation I was raped and beaten up pretty badly by a stranger. But in several other instances the people who hurt me were all close friends, and one family member by marriage. So I do understand how that has influenced my attachment issues.. But why my conscience?

Edited July 12, 2013 by rae_lana

[rae_lana]

This other guy probably knows the most about my past .. Because he seemed to genuinely care and want to know. Everyone else gets very uncomfortable when I've even attempted to share and so I change the subject

[rae_lana]

See that's not it though. I do believe you don't want to take him or hurt her but you now know and have admitted it is not casual sex. It is emotional. and again it's not the sex it's the lying to her face and your husbands face DAILY that will cause them to never trust you again.

 

Ok examine this. There are no kids involved. You are matched for one another. Why not be together...?

 

I want to be around all three of them all the time. I don't know how to explain but I think it's all three of them and the different things about them them that make it work.. I care very much for all of them.

 

I get that I'm maybe just delusional but I'm able to see me and him might be insane as sole life partners. We might be just too much alike.

[rae_lana]

I'm sorry. I can't answer that but I know it has as do you. Maybe because people you have trusted have hurt you so bad that you expect that so it doesn't have the same impact to you. I don't know. I wish I could hug you right now. Please please talk to a professional before you blow up your life. Do your research and talk to a reputable one. It does sound like you have real love with your husband but are acting out and maybe feel like you need to sabotage that? Be hurt like you always have been? I don't know. I wish I had the training to help you but keep talking and being honest and maybe you can work through it.

 

He's actually said to me before that I always push people away when they get close. I have had it cross my mind that I let myself cross the boundary in the first place because they were the first couple we had ever attached to so closely.

 

Don't feel sorry for me though, I do accept that I maybe deserved that before but I ****ed up big time. I tell myself this almost every single day. Then this guy smiles or contacts me and I want nothing but to please him.

[HopingAgain]

Now that you have explained your past abuse, your boundary issues and not feeling very guilty make sense. You are now victimizing others close to you in a similar fashion. It's almost like reenacting the things that happened to you, and doing things so horrible that you are certain to push others away on purpose. Please, do get a counselor right away.

[rae_lana]

Rae the connection you may feel with this man may be a dysfunctional one. He has had multiple affairs. In other words he uses women. You may in some odd from your past way crave that. I don't know. End the abuse. It sounds like your husband is a good guy and you are on the path of self destruction because things are going to good?

 

I think you love your husband but crave the rush of the abuse. That may sound odd or sick but I think it may be very real. Reliving the abuse and rape and sexualizing it. If I had only paid more attention during psych soc lol. I wish I could help more. I'm just speculating.

 

Oh yes I definitely crave some form of abuse I get that.. Without going into too much detail that almost exactly what I crave sexually.

 

I don't like thinking about all of my past having to do with this because it seems unfair. It shouldn't be affecting me this much after this much time, that's how I feel I guess.

 

I should feel worse.

I feel bad but not bad enough.

[rae_lana]

Yes it's all too real. Too close too perfect. You need the rush of chaos? You can accept you screwed up. I think that's good. What's bad is you WANT to screw up. You even say don't feel sorry for me because you know it's wrong...

 

Without a doubt I know it's wrong. I could find you 20 "good" reasons for why I'm doing this without thinking hard at all, I can justify it a day long but I still know none of those reasons are enough to make this right, it's wrong and I know I've always tried to do the right thing.. Like I said in my first post I've always had the urge to rebel and if I thought i could get away with it Id do it.. But minor things .. Stealing a purse from the mall as a teen or doing drugs. Things that mostly just would have harmed myself in the end. Nothing like this. Ever. I know it's wrong so I should feel way worse. Most of the time I feel pretty good. Because its a secret, and most of our days are all together and very enjoyable. What the ****.

[rae_lana]

Now that you have explained your past abuse, your boundary issues and not feeling very guilty make sense. You are now victimizing others close to you in a similar fashion. It's almost like reenacting the things that happened to you, and doing things so horrible that you are certain to push others away on purpose. Please, do get a counselor right away.

 

I do not want to hurt them at all. I can stop. I'm trying to figure out what's going on.

Edited July 12, 2013 by rae_lana

[rae_lana]

On a lighter note if the whole abuse control thing turns you on read the shades of grey novel with your husband. but after you are healthy mentally.

 

My husbands turn ons are vastly different than mine. I have tried!

[rae_lana]

ahh Rae it's fun as hell to have an affair. I'm happily married and I can sure fantasize about what a rush it would be to sneak off and escape from my family and have amazing sex.

 

LOL actually my husband and I do that. We do an overnight at least once a month to the casino to do that ( free weekday room )

 

You love this guy as a FRIEND. He sucks as a potential partner and you know that. Diffuse the bomb!! You know your husband is the better man.

 

A month ago I would have denied that and swore I was in love. But I think I'm starting to realize that.

[rae_lana]

Me and other man are a sexual match. He hasn't had abuse in his past but self esteem issues for sure.

I have went over this all in my head a lot and I still haven't told him I want to stop. He said I drive him crazy, and assured me in a good way, and I said I felt bad because I wanted to be his friend. It's the first time I've hinted at feeling bad. He just says its fun and we can have both.

[2sunny]

My husband knows of one situation out if several and no details of it, nobody knows of every situation, I have several people who each know a little, nobody knows everything I do not think anyone would think of me the same so I don't intend to change that..

 

I do get that I use sex for validation but for the last 10 years was able to keep sane just fine with my husband and fantasies.. And then this happened and I met for the first time someone who has a lot of the same feelings as me and seems to love every flaw I have. I like that.

 

And I do not understand how anything that happened back then could be stopping me from feeling as bad or as guilty as I should about what I'm doing.

 

I don't think it's a fair excuse for me to use.

 

In one situation I was raped and beaten up pretty badly by a stranger. But in several other instances the people who hurt me were all close friends, and one family member by marriage. So I do understand how that has influenced my attachment issues.. But why my conscience?

 

And these are your issues you should discuss and work THROUGH with a counselor.

 

Sure you choose the victim role - it is "comfortable" and likely what is known to you.

 

Sure you are "trying out" the role of harming your husband - as much as you'd like to regain some of that power and control you couldn't obtain as a child/ young adult.

 

The idea is to let go of your family of origin and get to a healthier mindset FOR YOURSELF.

 

After you've worked through the pain/fear/issues you will more likely not make and consciously choose such poor boundaries for yourself.

 

The idea is to get through exercises that releases the pain/fear that was ingrained in you when you were younger.

 

It is a matter of reprogramming your brain/thoughts and the action you take when your thoughts change.

 

It is a matter of taking your power back by having a voice and speaking your truth.

 

I hope you will consider getting professional help.

 

You CAN get a new idea of what is "normal" but you need someone to guide you to get there.

[aliveagain]

Your a sexual match because every time you are together it's only about fun, it's not about car payments, it's not about mortgages, it's not about being low on funds and having to cut something you enjoy out. All you think about is fun, orgasm's, the excitement of hiding strange sex from your husband, did you read that "your husband" part? Imagine divorcing, you split all your assets with your husband and the banks, your friends will take sides regardless of what they tell you, he owes his wife(children?) alimony, they split their debt, you and your husband sell your home and do the same. The lawyers will eat up 10's of thousands of what each of you have left. You will shame your family but they will still support you because you are blood. You will be the talk of your friends, your extended family, your neighbors for years to come. What do you end up with, a serial cheater, ya, you threw your husband away for someone that is more likely than not going to cheat on you sometime, assuming you become a couple. What usually happens is he will start blaming you for the destruction of his family, or you may blame him for the best thing that ever happened in your life leaving you. You will discover his s**t stinks, he will discover you shave your legs and regularly pluck hairs from your nipples. You will discover you are more broke than you were with your husband because after the Rape & Pillage your lawyers give you, you'll be lucky if........enough said, I've been there, it happens.

 

Years later I am still unlisted so the tramp that was my spouse can never find me again. She has tried repeatedly but that will never happen. They are not together anymore, he dumped her after she had his affair child and I found out, he ran like a coward, denied her child so he wouldn't have to pay her support. A DNA test changed their lives forever. She attempted suicide three times, once before I left her, twice after. I understand she has a huge drinking problem now but she is not my problem anymore and never will be. You sound just like my ex, wake up.

Edited July 12, 2013 by aliveagain

[zanzi]

From skimming over that post you wan't to keep these three people in your life, whether it's to drain what you need from them- I say that because you stated you don't feel complete without them.

 

This is surely unhealthy and you need to have an honest look at yourself and your need to lie to and manipulate others in order to get confirmation of some kind to your own needs. You should speak to a therapist about your feeling of being incomplete.

 

I'm not saying you are crazy, I'm saying you have an emotional problem and you are whether you admit it or not, destroying other peoples lives and their marriages. Of course it takes two to have an affair, but the responsibility for your actions is something you need to accept, which means facing the consequences and owning up to the truth.

 

To me it sounds like you like the lies and have no intention of doing the right thing and owning up to cheating to your husband and your "friend." I put quotes because if any women ruined my relationship she would be my worst enemy in life and harmful to me.

 

This is what your actions are doing to her. Do you have the strength to admit the truth? From what I have read, you do not. I just hope that soon, the truth is shed light on whether you wan't it to be or not so that your husband and friend can be free from the lies in which you have entrapped them. Out of all the men you could have chosen to cheat with, the fact you wen't for your friends husband is telling. You have a need emotionally and your actions are destructive because you haven't worked through these needs or sought professional help.

[CALOVELY]

When I was a young girl there was a family in our neighborhood where the husband was having an affair with a neighbor. The wives were friends, as were the husbands....just like your situation. The BW found out and unable to cope, committed suicide. The BH shot and killed the MM and after several months on the run and the police honing in on him, he took his own life. It made the local and state news. The OW was literally shunned in our city (which was a pretty big one) by even her own parents. I never knew what happened to her. There were 5 children however between the couples. 3 children who now had lost both parents and 2 who lost their father and having to live with a mother who put them all through this.

 

There are REAL consequences to what you are doing. You are hurting so many people I cannot fathom you saying you love them. If your MM thinks this is all fun and games, then maybe the tragic situation I just mentioned will stir something in you at least.

[JustJoe]

Sure. Some people are able to tiptoe through the minefield and get lucky and never get caught. But the thing about that is - you can NEVER be diligent enough to be in full control of it. All it takes is your husband, his wife, or an uninvolved third party who knows one of them to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, and BOOM. There goes your life.

This is untrue. There are very few affairs that remain secret forever, regardless of what you hear from the Urban Legends grapevine. Sometimes it is years , sometimes it is merely months but it is usually always. The very moment you think you are safe from discovery, that is when you will be revealed. Take my word for it.

[JustJoe]

I do love them.

I think people try to define love way to much and it's just not the same for everyone. I would do anything for those close to me. Absolutely anything and this is the first time I've done anything like this ever. It's not just about sex it's just how I tried to reason it.. I went from not believing things happened for any kind of reason to believing everything must. We were supposed to meet. But it wasn't supposed to end up like this.

You would do anything for these people, Really? Really? Anything? Anything? How about NOT f**king her husband? How about NOT cheating on yours? How about NOT betraying any of them? How about being honest with ALL of them.? Do you think you could do any of this? See where I'm going with this? You really don't have any concept of love or friendship at all, do you. You say how much you love them but do the exact opposite of it. It's all about you and how you feel , so don't try to bullsh*t us, Okay? I'm not trying to be harsh, but you have to start facing reality at some point and it might as well be now. You need professional help and you need it badly. this situation is only going to get worse and worse the longer it goes on, and you are only going to hurt more and more people. It is time for you to begin to think of others rather than yourself. And don't think that you can fantasize that this will never be found out, it will, almost certainly, because you and the other couple are so close. That's all I'm going to say. You are an adult woman and know what you should do.

[JustJoe]

I do intend to try and stop it. Not come clean though.. I believe that's causing them way to much pain and yes I get you people think that's selfish but I don't. I'm thinking of them when I say that.

Sorry but this is not true, you have never thought about their interests and have always put your own first.

[JustJoe]

OP, the first thing you can do is to start being honest with yourself about your situation and not fantasize that it will magically get better or will never be found out. It won't, and it will. Begin your recovery by getting professional.help, then continue by putting other people's feelings before your own and being honest with all. You are by no means a hopeless case, and can have a good future, but you MUST end this as soon as possible. For everybody's sake.

[Trimmer]

Is there a possibility your friend knows more than she's letting on? There must be something behind all her questions. My advice would be to stop the A and maybe things will slowly stop being so awkward. I think you'll have a tough time taming OMM however.

This is worth thinking about. A possible outcome of this is that it won't be either of the affair partners "letting something slip", but it will be the BS who gradually puts things together. It sounds like she already is, but is intentionally ignoring it. At some point, if the tide shifts, it all will snap into focus for her.

 

She told me more than once she wished she had never found out he cheated before and she ignores rumours he has again...

This, together with her admission that she believes he has a crush on you, etc. is exactly what makes me think she knows - or at least suspects - more than you think she does, but is either consciously or subconsciously suppressing it. Whatever it would take to shift that precarious situation, it may well happen completely outside your influence.

 

The lesson is: you think the situation is in control because you think you and the MM are the ones who have the control - just by "not telling" - but it could happen quite differently. The idea that you could have complete control over it is a delusion.

 

We do not have kids.

The one bright spot in this whole thing. Thank goodness the shrapnel won't hit children when things blow up.

 

My childhood was ok. My adolescence was an absolute cluster **** and I was raped and abused several times but several people very close to me.. If that's what you are getting at. But that was all over 10 years ago some almost 20 years ago now. I don't see how that accounts for this.

 

And I do not understand how anything that happened back then could be stopping me from feeling as bad or as guilty as I should about what I'm doing.

 

I don't think it's a fair excuse for me to use.

 

I don't like thinking about all of my past having to do with this because it seems unfair. It shouldn't be affecting me this much after this much time, that's how I feel I guess.

I admire your refusal to use the traumas of your youth as an excuse. I agree with you there; they don't let you off the hook.

 

But as to your bewilderment how they could be affecting you after all this time... Adolescence is a time when lots of developmental work is happening around socialization, sexuality, etc. If you are subject to traumas during that time, you may never get to do all of the developmental "work" to be able to move on into adulthood with a complete emotional and social toolbox. Thus, these missed developmental steps can follow you for decades.

 

In your case, your near-cravings for sexual abuse and the mirror images (both your youth and now) of abuse and betrayal being carried out between those in close and ostensibly trusting relationships are compelling links to the traumas of your adolescence.

[waterwoman]

He sounds positively toxic. If you love her the best thing you could so is tell her he's a serial cheater and encourage her to leave him.

[rae_lana]

oh damn rae. You are another notch. All women drive this guy crazy. He has no respect for women, which you crave, He wants his wife and wants to play.

 

He definitely does want his family and to play too he's been straight up with me about that. I think at first BOTH of us thought I was just going to be another notch. It's not the case though. He has said a lot of what I want to hear but it's me who was adamant this stay far away from love and its him who broke down and admitted first there were more feelings here than either of us has had before.

 

I wonder though if he's capable of feeling guilt like a normal person does because he seems much better than me at pushing it aside and I'm pretty good at it..