Affair with Friends husband

[rae_lana]

My dime-store analysis is that you are not a narcissist or a sociopath. I believe you are a caring person.

 

I am paying attention to this part of your story: that you love all three of them and don't want to live without them. The fact that you want to be so enmeshed with a group of people, says a lot to me about your attachment style. You are hungry. One is not enough to fill you. It's like an emotional gang-bang (I'm betting that's your biggest fantasy---but maybe with all males, maybe?)---the being best friends with all three, in and out of each others' houses, being alone with each one at different times. Almost like a sexualized recreation of having a new family. Of course you are not ready for children to enter this picture.

 

DO you ever spend much time alone? Can you stand the quiet?

 

Have you always had very enmeshed, extremely intimate partnerships?

 

i understand splitting yourself into different parts and sharing only certain parts of you with certain people. Most people cannot handle ALL of the stories and trials and tribulations of a boundariless person. They become exhausted or irritated or threatened. So you keep it under wraps and tailor your stories to what will bring you the most love. It seems narcissistic but it's more just a coping skill.

 

Splitting is a coping mechanism. There is often talk of split-self affairs (when a conflict between inner wants and societal wants occurs.) You seem to be having something more----a split-split-self affair. The part of you having the affair is almost a DIFFERENT PERSON than the one who is a devoted friend.

 

I'm not saying you have a real Multiple Personality Disorder. But, as a child of immigrants (are you, too?), as a person who also dealt with abuse, I know what it is to seem to be living in many different shadow worlds and having an unintegrated persona. It's lonely.

 

Unfortunately most people are not like you (us?) They are integrated people who will not " understand" when your worlds collide. They will try to hurt you and they will. Because when the W finds out and MM throws you under the bus, he will, and they will, and your H will, call you CRAZY. And they will say you INVENTED the relationship you are having now, and that you PURSUED HIM, and that you are reckless and self-destructive.

 

You still have to heal from your family of origin and your abuses. Can your psyche take another round of abuses from the people who will throw you to the wolves when they find out they've been betrayed? Can you handle that?

 

I've always kept relationships as shallow as I can, arms length is too close. But the people I do let in I let take over my entire thought process and become way too close and way too meshed together. It's been going on since I was pretty young.. I've went over in my head the last few months that my husband and his wife knew more about me than anyone had before and it freaked me out. It's like I created a secret with married man to push the other two a little bit back.. And now I have a secret with him in which he is actually the one who knows the most about me.

 

What you said about split lives, I one hundred percent see that. Since the moment this started that's how we've described it to each other. Because literally there is about 5 minutes sometimes between our life together and the things we talk about before being with our spouses and suddenly being totally different people.

[rae_lana]

Nobody has ever caught us doing anything inappropriate, seen us where we shouldn't be, in large part because its not weird at all for us to be together, and there is no emails between us, secret pictures or any physical evidence ..

The biggest risk to us being caught is confession.

 

I think we could just slowly stop. If its not really love like you all say, how hard could that be.

 

I know, very hard

[rae_lana]

He sounds positively toxic. If you love her the best thing you could so is tell her he's a serial cheater and encourage her to leave him.

 

I have never encouraged her to leave him, but before me and him started anything more than a crush I did have a big talk with her on whether what he wanted was what she wanted, because he's been clear that he's not happy with their situation and she ignores it. A virtually sexless marriage after only a few years together does not seem like its ok. And he has been unfaithful but a few times over the years, never a repeat occurrence all only physical. Which makes me wonder if I'm the toxic one.

[Owl]

Having read through this thread, I've got one question.

 

Now...you've given this tons of thought, you're very much aware of what the outcome is likely going to be of this whole situation.

 

What are you going to do to change it???

[rae_lana]

Having read through this thread, I've got one question.

 

Now...you've given this tons of thought, you're very much aware of what the outcome is likely going to be of this whole situation.

 

What are you going to do to change it???

 

I don't really want to change it.

But I'm definitely not going after him or trying to get him to leave his wife.. I would like to just be able to stop thinking of him so much and just go back to being friends.

[Owl]

I'd suggest that without creating drama or conflict...there's nothing you're going to be able to do to change your obssession with him.

 

Until something happens to change that 'positive' to a 'negative' thought in your mind...you're going to remain obssessed with him.

 

If you won't confess...then you're stuck where you're at until you're caught.

 

You can't go back...so forward until the conflict arrives.

[2sunny]

It's not even right that you know secrets about their marriage!

 

That's betrayal in and of itself.

 

 

Since you don't intend to change it - expect more mind twists as you move along until you get caught. And you will. Don't be silly about no evidence, it was an innocent glance in her direction that tipped me off to one of my exH conquests.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Nobody has ever caught us doing anything inappropriate, seen us where we shouldn't be, in large part because its not weird at all for us to be together, and there is no emails between us, secret pictures or any physical evidence ..

The biggest risk to us being caught is confession.

 

I think we could just slowly stop. If its not really love like you all say, how hard could that be.

 

Respectfully, I am going to call bullshxx on this statement.

 

His wife already knows he's a cheater, already knows he's hot for you, you mentioned that you had to cool it down in front of your husband and his wife. So I say the seed was planted, but his wife, who mistakenly thinks you are too good a friend to take the bet has squashed those feelings for now.

 

Nobody is diligent enough to be sure people don't find out. I mean how do you justify being alone together to have sex?

 

Also affairs get busted due to all kinds of things, pregnancy, STDs (big risk here since he is a notorious wanderer), walking in on people, one of you knowing something you shouldn't know, text messages, phone calls, neighbors being suspicious...all kinds of reasons. Sexual tension is almost visible. Maybe your spouses have tried to deny it but that won't last.

 

I also am going to disagree with people that have said there isn't anything clinical wrong with you. You are one screwed up lady. What you are doing to your husband is bad...what you are doing to his wife (notice how I won't call her your friend) is evil.

 

Other posters have illustrated that devastation better than I can.

 

So about the staying friends thing...let me paint a picture. Six months, a year go by, the jig is up because you get pregnant, or get HPV or he is so in love with you he spills the beans or whatever. Your husband will know that the man he let in his house, his friend, screwed his wife (marriage over, your husband hates you) . And his wife will believe that you and her husband, must have taken great pleasure in pulling one over on her, making fun of her and manipulating her. She will feel that what you did was consciously evil and designed specifically to HARM HER.

 

How can you call yourself her friend?

 

Set your husband free to find someone who can really love him.

 

You cannot continue, you cannot be their friends, and you will not be able to keep the secret.

[2sunny]

People talk in their sleep all the time.

 

That's how some folks found truth.

[rae_lana]

People talk in their sleep all the time.

 

That's how some folks found truth.

 

He's said mine and my husbands name in his sleep several times already.

[rae_lana]

I'm wondering if I'm in the midst of a manic episode? Because I tell myself all the things you have all said a million times and I still want him.

 

I feel like its another person who is doing this. I feel bad as the one person.. But never as the other.. But that's seems like a cop out. I am pretty functional and high profile in my community.. I don't understand why I can't make myself do the right thing even when I very clearly know what the right thing is.

I love all three of them regardless of what you all think but there is seriously something that snapped in my heart and my mind when I let this happen and I don't know what to do now. I will not confess, I will not leave. I'm hoping I wake up tomorrow and feel differently. I'm trying. Yesterday and today I only let his negative traits into my thoughts.. Trying to convince myself he is not worth it.

The back of my mind says he is worth it. And that I'd do anything to see him happy.

 

Again.. His wife and my husband are alone in situations too and vice versa, that's never been thought of as strange. We are all friends.. With each other and separately.

[rae_lana]

Both spouses know he has a thing for me and so do other mutual friends, it's kind of a running joke. I'm exactly his type and we are basically the same people different genders, EXCEPT that until I met him I had much more impulse control than he does..

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I'm wondering if I'm in the midst of a manic episode? Because I tell myself all the things you have all said a million times and I still want him.

 

I feel like its another person who is doing this. I feel bad as the one person.. But never as the other.. But that's seems like a cop out. I am pretty functional and high profile in my community.. I don't understand why I can't make myself do the right thing even when I very clearly know what the right thing is.

I love all three of them regardless of what you all think but there is seriously something that snapped in my heart and my mind when I let this happen and I don't know what to do now. I will not confess, I will not leave. I'm hoping I wake up tomorrow and feel differently. I'm trying. Yesterday and today I only let his negative traits into my thoughts.. Trying to convince myself he is not worth it.

The back of my mind says he is worth it. And that I'd do anything to see him happy.

 

Again.. His wife and my husband are alone in situations too and vice versa, that's never been thought of as strange. We are all friends.. With each other and separately.

 

 

Your marriage and his marriage are already being negatively impacted by this affair. The house of cards will fall because you and he are starting to FALL FOR EACH OTHER. just a matter of time.

 

Yeah, you sure are good at justifying yourself and your actions.

You would be ok with your husband having a love affair with someone else.

You are such a good friend, you give advice to the spouse of your MM on how to fix her marriage.

You have convinced yourself that even though you know the destruction you are causing you have the RIGHT to all these amoral behaviors and that your wants and desires supersedes those of everyone around you.

You don't care about the impact of your reputation in the community.

 

You have deluded yourself that you are too smart to get caught, you foolish foolish woman.

 

You need help. Maybe it is clinical and you need to check yourself into a hospital.

 

Seriously? I don't get it.

[JustJoe]

OP, this is a train wreck on the way, so you might as well prepare for it. The posters have tried to give you advice but you simply won't listen, so this thread is going nowhere and all it's doing is feeding your ego. You won't change until you are forced to, and believe me, it's coming. I have better things to do.

[rae_lana]

OP, this is a train wreck on the way, so you might as well prepare for it. The posters have tried to give you advice but you simply won't listen, so this thread is going nowhere and all it's doing is feeding your ego. You won't change until you are forced to, and believe me, it's coming. I have better things to do.

 

I wouldn't say this was a waste of time at all. When I first posted I had no intention to end our affair... I'm pretty positive now that ending it is the way I'm leaning.

[rae_lana]

The more you post, the less I believe this whole tale. It's obvious that you have no desire to quit this disgusting behavior, are proud of deceiving your husband and his wife, who you claim to love. Pffft. With friends like you, who really needs enemies. When you get busted (and you will) do come back and tell us how forgiving and understanding they both are, let us know how your supposed best friend feels about that knife you so flippantly put in her back.

 

I've told nothing but the truth here even when I know it's wrong and I had thought people would tear into me.. Everyone has been very genuine and honest in return with an understandable amount of judgment. I thought I'd be attacked and that's not what's happened.

 

I'm not proud of this. I'm not trying to justify it. I have a million little reasons floating around in my head for WHY this is happening but none of them are enough to actually make me believe this is ok. I know it's not ok.

 

Knowing myself I just always believed I'd never do something like this and that if I made a mistake this size, I always thought I'd be able to do the right thing.. But that's not what's happened. I'm not sure who I am anymore.

[Pierre]

Knowing myself I just always believed I'd never do something like this and that if I made a mistake this size, I always thought I'd be able to do the right thing.. But that's not what's happened. I'm not sure who I am anymore.

 

How do you feel about the affair?

 

Are you happy?

[LilGirlandOW]

Rae,

I'm not "pro-affair" but I understand how they come about.

 

My sole issue here is that you have a relationship with the BS, and thats the part thats going to rip through her like a dull sword.

 

I was engaged and my SO had an A with my bestfriend, we were BFF's since we were in diapers. She and my SO had 2 one night things, she confessed is how dday came about, but dday was after he and i broke up, she thought it was "safe" to tell me, it blew up in her face bigtime. I went bat **** crazy, obviously didnt care about him having the A as he was out of my life, but for her to do that with my SO killed me.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I can guarantee this will end badly. This will be one of the hardest things you ever do, but you really need to come clean. This isn't fair to anyone and I can tell you, from my own personal experience, it will not be pretty.

 

You are here for a purpose - most of us have been through this on one side or the other and some of us on both. We don't want anyone to experience this kind of pain. But you have really overstepped some boundaries here that will blow apart your friendships. I do not see how you can end this relationship, remain friends and it never comes out. Even if by some miracle you end it and keep it quiet, there will come a time in the future when something will slip.

 

I would bet money that your friend already knows - she might already have a little proof and is just sitting on it waiting for more concrete evidence. My xMM's wife did - she had it in writing from HIM and he didn't know it until she confronted him one day. But she knew the glances we gave each other, she saw the teasing, she saw the familiarity and we were so blind we didn't think she did. Believe me she knows.

 

Time to confess.

[2sunny]

I've told nothing but the truth here even when I know it's wrong and I had thought people would tear into me.. Everyone has been very genuine and honest in return with an understandable amount of judgment. I thought I'd be attacked and that's not what's happened.

 

I'm not proud of this. I'm not trying to justify it. I have a million little reasons floating around in my head for WHY this is happening but none of them are enough to actually make me believe this is ok. I know it's not ok.

 

Knowing myself I just always believed I'd never do something like this and that if I made a mistake this size, I always thought I'd be able to do the right thing.. But that's not what's happened. I'm not sure who I am anymore.

 

Think of how free your mind could feel if you didn't have the need to harbor secrets.

 

IF you're not participating on a level that fuels negative energy - you can focus on growing positive energy WITHIN your marriage.

 

But for now, that's not realistic given the amount of focused energy that goes astray TOWARDS your secret man.

[rae_lana]

Why? Is this your plan?

 

Why don't you just divorce your husband if you have lost all sexual attraction for him, have this other guy divorce his wife if she is such a frigid woman, and the 2 of you get together?

 

She is not a frigid woman at all. She just isn't sexual and doesn't like showing affection to him.

I can't get into it in depth but we are both in our current situations because we love them too.. We want to be with both of them not apart from them.. He wants this too. It's not about taking each other from our spouses or leaving them.

[rae_lana]

Think of how free your mind could feel if you didn't have the need to harbor secrets.

 

IF you're not participating on a level that fuels negative energy - you can focus on growing positive energy WITHIN your marriage.

 

But for now, that's not realistic given the amount of focused energy that goes astray TOWARDS your secret man.

 

I do understand this.. I have thought about it a lot.

[rae_lana]

Well even though I don't think so, I'm not going to argue about love for your husband. We won't agree.

 

But as far as not really being her friend, do you think you are being her friend by sleeping with her husband?

 

I think if only we could be open about it all of us could be very happy. It's the lies that we started that made a mess of this. We should have just been honest from the beginning about what we wanted.

 

I consider myself her friend because I would never say a bad thing about her to him especially.. i care about her and want her happy, and my husband too, and I want to help their marriage stay intact anyway I can. I get that makes no sense to other people.

[Realist3]

Everyone always says its not if you get caught.. its when.

 

But I have no doubt people have been able to keep affairs secret forever. No?

 

Sure. There are many that last decades or longer. While certainly not the most common type of affair, they do exist.

 

The key to those relationships is developing a workable balance for both partners. You have to first grow past the obsession phase. Figure out what level of engagement, both physical and emotional, allows you to maintain what you have at home. It will take some experimentation. Assuming that you are both mature adults you should be able to rationally find a happy medium.

 

 

I haven't read the whole thread, but I did read a few responses about ending it, going no contact, even moving away, etc.. Those would all be dead giveaways to both of your spouses. Don't do that.

 

I think the best thing to do would be to take a step back for a month or so and think about how you both would like to proceed in a calm well thought out manner. Pick a length of time and agree that you won't see each other outside of the legit interactions in your friendship circle. Agree to a limited contact for the same period of time. That time should allow you to reicalibrate and come up with a path forward whatever that may be.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I think if only we could be open about it all of us could be very happy. It's the lies that we started that made a mess of this. We should have just been honest from the beginning about what we wanted.

 

I consider myself her friend because I would never say a bad thing about her to him especially.. i care about her and want her happy, and my husband too, and I want to help their marriage stay intact anyway I can. I get that makes no sense to other people.

 

Come on Rae...don't try this shyte on this group. What you want is for there to be time travel that can take you back to before you went down this path.

 

If you had been a real friend, and an honest person. Then you would have gone to your husband and asked for an open marriage or divorce. Assuming he agreed, You could have approached your friends and suggested it and allowed them to make the appropriate decision for them. Your husband and his wife had no say in this. Even if they had been inclined, it's too late now.

 

At this point, you cannot cannot in any way claim to want the best for either of them, you want to continue to cake eat.

 

You are the equivalent of a husband who beats his wife while claiming to love her. That type of love, if it is love, is sick and twisted, don't you agree?

 

I bet you can get a dozen BS to admit that infidelity and the betrayal and the LIES feel like being gutted and the are actually surprised they are alive...and you are doing that to two people. So it's very much like you and MM are stabbing your spouses and friends while claiming to love them and just wanting them to be happy..

 

I also have to say that I believe you both have left little trails of flirtation, your mutual friends, your husband and his wife, are painfully aware and probably mortified. You don't think that your "mutual" gap friends gossip about that?

 

Your husband and her wife probably are keeping tabs on you, waiting for the right time to blow up your world.

 

I personally don't think you can stop and be "such close friends" I think that you will bow under the pressure you cannot control now.

 

You will spend the rest of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop.