Affair with Friends husband

[rae_lana]

Sure. There are many that last decades or longer. While certainly not the most common type of affair, they do exist.

 

The key to those relationships is developing a workable balance for both partners. You have to first grow past the obsession phase. Figure out what level of engagement, both physical and emotional, allows you to maintain what you have at home. It will take some experimentation. Assuming that you are both mature adults you should be able to rationally find a happy medium.

 

 

I haven't read the whole thread, but I did read a few responses about ending it, going no contact, even moving away, etc.. Those would all be dead giveaways to both of your spouses. Don't do that.

 

I think the best thing to do would be to take a step back for a month or so and think about how you both would like to proceed in a calm well thought out manner. Pick a length of time and agree that you won't see each other outside of the legit interactions in your friendship circle. Agree to a limited contact for the same period of time. That time should allow you to reicalibrate and come up with a path forward whatever that may be.

 

We are going on about 3 full weeks of this.. Only talked privately a few times and only once did it lean towards being inappropriate.. We both realized it was affecting our daily lives and that's not what we want. It's been ok.. It was hard at first because I craved talking to him but daily it's getting easier and I'm getting closer to my husband.. The hard thing is he seems to be disconnecting further from his wife during this time although he blames it on work stress.

[rae_lana]

Come on Rae...don't try this shyte on this group. What you want is for there to be time travel that can take you back to before you went down this path.

 

If you had been a real friend, and an honest person. Then you would have gone to your husband and asked for an open marriage or divorce. Assuming he agreed, You could have approached your friends and suggested it and allowed them to make the appropriate decision for them. Your husband and his wife had no say in this. Even if they had been inclined, it's too late now.

 

At this point, you cannot cannot in any way claim to want the best for either of them, you want to continue to cake eat.

 

You are the equivalent of a husband who beats his wife while claiming to love her. That type of love, if it is love, is sick and twisted, don't you agree?

 

I bet you can get a dozen BS to admit that infidelity and the betrayal and the LIES feel like being gutted and the are actually surprised they are alive...and you are doing that to two people. So it's very much like you and MM are stabbing your spouses and friends while claiming to love them and just wanting them to be happy..

 

I also have to say that I believe you both have left little trails of flirtation, your mutual friends, your husband and his wife, are painfully aware and probably mortified. You don't think that your "mutual" gap friends gossip about that?

 

Your husband and her wife probably are keeping tabs on you, waiting for the right time to blow up your world.

 

I personally don't think you can stop and be "such close friends" I think that you will bow under the pressure you cannot control now.

 

You will spend the rest of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

Obviously I agree it's twisted or I never would have looked for insight from others.

[2sunny]

We are going on about 3 full weeks of this.. Only talked privately a few times and only once did it lean towards being inappropriate.. We both realized it was affecting our daily lives and that's not what we want. It's been ok.. It was hard at first because I craved talking to him but daily it's getting easier and I'm getting closer to my husband.. The hard thing is he seems to be disconnecting further from his wife during this time although he blames it on work stress.

 

You need to focus on you - and your marriage.

 

What he does or doesn't do with his wife is territory you should NOT concern yourself with.

 

Stop worrying about what he's doing with her.

 

Let THEM work through it - and you stay focused on your relationship as your primary concern.

[findingnemo]

Everyone always says its not if you get caught.. its when.

 

But I have no doubt people have been able to keep affairs secret forever. No?

 

Affairs can't be kept secret forever. I believe that it is a myth and that perhaps the spouses involved decided for some reason to keep the secret...well, secret. One good reason is shame. Like when a husband sleeps with the maid, or a wife is in love with the gardener. The BS may keep quiet in order to avoid public humiliation but I can assure you the affair comes to an end.

 

What I do know can be kept hidden forever is secret love. The kind that exists between two people who decide not to act on it but acknowledge its existence. But once there are meetings, texts, emails, sex, etc then eventually all that is done in the dark will come to light. It's almost the law of nature.

[findingnemo]

My first post was made before I read the whole thread. Rae, you have received tons of advice on what to do and plenty of opinions on what will happen if you don't stop. I agree with everybody. This is a bad, bad situation.

 

I just want to answer a question you asked earlier. Why can't you stop? I'm not a counsellor and I've never really found one who helped me because of my cultural background being quite different and not quite compatible with Freud, Jung, et al. But I do see the main problem here being your past sexual problems and betrayals. While you claim it has been years and they should have no bearing on what is happening now, I believe they do. You have developed a coping mechanism that is not normal in many ways.

 

First you have learned to keep things secret, that what's happened to you is too much for any friend or lover of yours to handle. So you split the truth amongst many. Your H, your best friend and her H. You basically have 3 friends who put together make up ONE best friend. That's why you love them all, need them all and can't imagine your life without them. Wanting all four of you to be in love as you put it in an earlier post sounds crazy!! But it is actually true. This is not about sex. It is about 3 human beings making you feel whole.

 

Then there is the sex issue. Victims of abuse either hate sex or love sex. They develop an extreme reaction to it and people who have never been abused can't understand why a victim ends up loving sex. It's something about power. Long story and OT, so moving on... You can't stop having sex with this guy because he of all 3 friends knows and accepts more about you. Why is that? Simple. He too has some serious issues and doesn't find your stories disturbing. He knows he is effed up and so doesn't judge you. Of all the 3, this terribly disloyal man is the one who allows you to speak your truth. He understands your sexuality and doesn't see it as perverted because his is probably similar.

 

Someone mentioned reading Fifty Shades of Grey. I usually don't read romantic novels but this series is on a different level. Read it. I think you are into BDSM in some form. If you are, no amount of vanilla sex will be satisfying. You can love your H more than any other man in the world but if he can't give you that, then you will find it somewhere else. In the books, the main character (male) was abused as a child and the only way he could enjoy sex was being the dominant partner. I've read elsewhere that abused women want to be submissives. I think that if you talk to a counsellor and try to figure out what it is you want sexually, why you want it and how to get it in a healthy manner, you may be a step ahead in solving your problems.

 

Your need to deal with your sexual issues has dictated how you choose your friends, how you treat them, how you interact with everybody. Combined with your belief that your sexual desires are abnormal and that there are certain ways a woman, wife, high profile person must act, you have basically come up with a coping mechanism that is not sustainable.

 

Talk to a counsellor. Deal with your past sexual encounters and how they contribute to your world view. Only then will you have the courage to talk to your H and reveal your true self to him. Only then will you develop the discernment to see how effed up your MM is. (He is hyper sexual but somehow managed to love and marry someone who isn't. Why is that? He needs a counsellor himself.) you must do this or your world will fall apart. You will get caught and you will lose your 3 friends. The thing that you fear the most will come to pass.

 

Too many people are confused about why they think and feel certain things and have no idea that they are operating on auto-pilot. You made some decisions a long time ago when you were hurt and vulnerable. Now that you are older and wiser, rethink those decisions. First wise step, seek professional help.

 

Good luck!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Affairs can't be kept secret forever. I believe that it is a myth and that perhaps the spouses involved decided for some reason to keep the secret...well, secret. One good reason is shame. Like when a husband sleeps with the maid, or a wife is in love with the gardener. The BS may keep quiet in order to avoid public humiliation but I can assure you the affair comes to an end.

 

What I do know can be kept hidden forever is secret love. The kind that exists between two people who decide not to act on it but acknowledge its existence. But once there are meetings, texts, emails, sex, etc then eventually all that is done in the dark will come to light. It's almost the law of nature.

 

I agree with this 100%. And in addition, people have mouths and they talk. You can bet they already are. Rae it's a matter of time. Please consider what we are telling you.

[darkmoon]

I keep thinking how lovers can age badly, man-boobs, feeble c*ck, a face will droop with age as well, one day you will remember how great he was, but one day he will clapped out, sorry, cold-shower time, girl, imho

[rae_lana]

It's been so many months of this and you all have shocked me with how exactly you seems to know the situation.

I definitely feel very differently now. I know this has to stop.

I'd still like it to remain secret forever but not continue.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

It's been so many months of this and you all have shocked me with how exactly you seems to know the situation.

I definitely feel very differently now. I know this has to stop.

I'd still like it to remain secret forever but not continue.

 

I know the desire to keep the secret. The damage is so great the fallout will be devastating.

 

 

But you need to be prepared for that not being what happens. You are not really in control of that.

 

You got some great advice about therapy, you also need to get tested for STDs.

[ComingInHot]

Rae,

I've read this entire thread.

It's filled with horror beyond my own imagination. (and that's really saying something)

 

Let me ask you this, of someone were do wish you the same kindness you have shown to your BFF and your H, would you thank them or think it the worst thing someone could say to you?

 

Thing have a way of coming round. Consider everything you have said and done being done to you, or worse.

 

What do you see?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Everyone always says its not if you get caught.. its when.

 

But I have no doubt people have been able to keep affairs secret forever. No?

 

Only if the affairs end. No one can keep a continuing affair secret forever. And even if it ends, whether it remains "secret" and for how long often is beyond your control. Other man could tell his wife after she divorces him or after he divorces her. There could be some odd detail you or he overlooked that will pop up later.

 

Do you have unprotected sex?

 

Has other man had other "one night stands" since the affair with you started (that you are aware of)?

 

How do you rationalize putting your husband at risk for STDs and yourself for getting pregnant? (do you think any method of birth control is foolproof other than abstinence?)

[amaysngrace]

I understand that for sure.. thank you so much for taking the time to contribute. I think this will help me from going crazy. I need to hear what others think. Even the judgment, I am ok with it.

 

I understand this is a terrible thing. I am not asking for approval. I don't know what I am asking for.

 

I want someone to tell me who I am.

 

Also.. I will never ever admit this out loud. Ever. I will never come clean about this to my husband and friend. Even if I wanted to. I don't think I could make myself. We have both agreed that whatever happens, it goes to the grave.

 

What do you mean you want someone to tell you who you are? Only you can explore that further to raise your self-awareness.

 

What people think of you doesn't matter...it's what you think of yourself that is important but you aren't going to realize who you are if you keep this schedule of carrying on your three phony relationships.

 

No wonder why you feel like you're going to go crazy. You should back off of all of it for now, see a psychotherapist, and stop living a lie.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I do intend to try and stop it. Not come clean though.. I believe that's causing them way to much pain and yes I get you people think that's selfish but I don't. I'm thinking of them when I say that.

 

I would rather know the truth. If I have cancer, I want to know about it. Then I can make a decision on how to treat it and move forward with my life. Same with a cheating wife. I don't want to make future life decisions based on a lie. Whether or not to have kids, buy a house, change jobs, move, be friendly and confide in someone who is stabbing me in the back.

 

The reason you don't want to come clean is because it would affect YOU.

 

How does the other man treat your husband? I'm assuming your husband confides in the other man. Do you think the other man uses that to his advantage in order to win "the game" he is playing with his life? Do you think other man looks smugly at your husband?

[rae_lana]

No we have not had unprotected sex.

 

No he has not had sex with anyone but me and her since we started I know this for a fact because he's very open about it with me.

 

I talked to him this morning and said I am falling in love and that was never part of the plan.

 

I was shocked I thought he would brush it off like he did when I tried to talk about it before.. He asked if we could leave our spouses and be together.

 

My heart almost exploded but honestly I think it's probably too crazy to work. But we both agreed we should end out marriages. I'm so numb at the moment.

 

What now.

[amaysngrace]

No we have not had unprotected sex.

 

No he has not had sex with anyone but me and her since we started I know this for a fact because he's very open about it with me.

 

I talked to him this morning and said I am falling in love and that was never part of the plan.

 

I was shocked I thought he would brush it off like he did when I tried to talk about it before.. He asked if we could leave our spouses and be together.

 

My heart almost exploded but honestly I think it's probably too crazy to work. But we both agreed we should end out marriages. I'm so numb at the moment.

 

What now.

 

You really should see somebody. You dissociate way too much.

 

You can't keep running from your problems by creating more problems. At some point you need to stop directing your energy outward and take a big look inward.

 

Otherwise you will live out your entire life with your head up your ass like it is right now.

[rae_lana]

I'd love to think it could work with this guy but I have no idea. I think we are too much alike.

 

But how do I tell my husband our marriage is over. Should we admit the affair .. I'm not even sure where to start. He told me he'd like to not tell them we've already been having an affair but that we've developed feelings and wanted to end the marriages before we crossed the line. I don't think my husband will buy that. Do we do it together, separately. I have no idea.

[rae_lana]

You really should see somebody. You dissociate way too much.

 

You can't keep running from your problems by creating more problems. At some point you need to stop directing your energy outward and take a big look inward.

 

Otherwise you will live out your entire life with your head up your ass like it is right now.

 

I'm trying to figure things out or wouldn't be talking about it.

[rae_lana]

I really wanted to make it work with all three of them but he says she will never and I believe my husband will want to make a clean break from me and that breaks my heart but I want him to be happy.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I'd love to think it could work with this guy but I have no idea. I think we are too much alike.

 

But how do I tell my husband our marriage is over. Should we admit the affair .. I'm not even sure where to start. He told me he'd like to not tell them we've already been having an affair but that we've developed feelings and wanted to end the marriages before we crossed the line. I don't think my husband will buy that. Do we do it together, separately. I have no idea.

 

Well, you tell him the truth. Don't you owe him the truth?

[amaysngrace]

I'd love to think it could work with this guy but I have no idea. I think we are too much alike.

 

But how do I tell my husband our marriage is over. Should we admit the affair .. I'm not even sure where to start. He told me he'd like to not tell them we've already been having an affair but that we've developed feelings and wanted to end the marriages before we crossed the line. I don't think my husband will buy that. Do we do it together, separately. I have no idea.

 

So he wants you to lie some more? He sounds anything but charming.

 

If I were you I'd break up with him and free up space to figure yourself out. He keeps you from focusing on yourself because you're too busy focusing on him.

 

Your life is in the crapper and you won't even take a step back to gain a new perspective.

 

From your original post you seem like an intelligent person so why are you continuing to act stupidly?

[2sunny]

I think it's actually a good idea.

 

Yes, divorce your H. He has the right to be free to choose someone who will honor him.

 

Then see if it works out with the OM. You two seem perfectly matched.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

No he has not had sex with anyone but me and her since we started I know this for a fact because he's very open about it with me.

 

Um right, like he tells his wife the truth? Like he doesn't lie? He appears to lie pretty regularly, to his wife, to your husband, to mutual friends. What makes you think he doesn't lie to you?

 

But we both agreed we should end out marriages.

 

Ok, so remember when you said the wife and friends mentioned he was hot for you? Do you think anyone in a million years will believe it has not started already?

 

You owe them the truth, they will hate you but it will at least be truth.

Edited July 13, 2013 by It-is-what-it-is.
Autocorrect

[rae_lana]

I know he hasn't been with anyone else because I'd have understood if be had been and he knows that.

 

If we were together it would be in an open relationship.

 

Right now I'm more worried about talking to her and my husband, than who im going to be with after, and yes I don't think they would believe we hadn't already been together.

[2sunny]

I know he hasn't been with anyone else because I'd have understood if be had been and he knows that.

 

If we were together it would be in an open relationship.

 

Right now I'm more worried about talking to her and my husband, than who im going to be with after, and yes I don't think they would believe we hadn't already been together.

 

So tell them TODAY.

[rae_lana]

The only want we'd be able to tell them is at the exact same time. An issue I have already is that even though he tries, when OM talks to his wife he is not very compassionate .. The way they talk always rub each other the wrong way. I'm scares he'll hurt her even more than necessary even though he won't mean too. I want to tell her.

 

My husband will be angry. He will rage out and then leave. I'm not sure what she will so but I think I should be the one to tell her but is that selfish?

 

Do I want to for me or for her. I believe it's for her but I don't know anymore. I feel like there has been a death close to me.. That's what this feels like right now.

 

I have no family but my husbands. I'm scared.