LK30 Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Hi all, I've been dating a girl for about 3 months who I work with, and there's something I'm anxious about generally when I go out with girls and unfortunately it's reared its ugly head again... It sounds stupid but I'm really worried about tomorrow night as we're going out as a group for dinner in town. She's planning a big drinking night with one of the other girls (who's a bit of a bad influence on her). I guess I'm a bit paranoid as she's pretty and no doubt blokes are going to be approaching her. I've seen her out on nights out before and she's a bit flirty when she gets drunk. In fact on one occasion I had to help her to stand up at the end of the night! I know it's inevitable, and I don't think she'd cheat but I'm at the point where I'm going to go home early so I don't see it. Girls often say 'i'll be good' but blokes can be forceful and everyone loves a bit of attention. I haven't told her I'm leaving early and why I'll be doing so. I do trust her and I understand it's not her fault how I feel, but something I've always struggled to deal with in my head. Any thoughts/views are welcome! Thanks :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 If you really trust her you need to have faith that she will make the right decisions. If you have doubts in her ability to stay faithful (and alcohol is no excuse) you need to rethink the relationship. That's really all there is to it. Link to post Share on other sites
AverageCat Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 To me if a girl got drunk with her girls to the point of not being able to stand and became flirty, it would be a HUGE turnoff for me. I personally would not regard flirting with other dudes as something to be seen as normal. In my eyes she's disrespecting the very person she's with (aka. you). Again it's not about cheating. It's about how does she make you feel? And apparently she's not making you very happy in this instance... Other way around. Would she be ok, if you were with the boys, got hammered and started flirting with ladies? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Have you felt this way about other women you have dated? You are being triggered here by something. To keep the focus off her for a moment...perhaps this has more to do with you? Any abandonment issues to be worked through? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Hi all, I've been dating a girl for about 3 months who I work with, and there's something I'm anxious about generally when I go out with girls and unfortunately it's reared its ugly head again... It sounds stupid but I'm really worried about tomorrow night as we're going out as a group for dinner in town. She's planning a big drinking night with one of the other girls (who's a bit of a bad influence on her). I guess I'm a bit paranoid as she's pretty and no doubt blokes are going to be approaching her. I've seen her out on nights out before and she's a bit flirty when she gets drunk. In fact on one occasion I had to help her to stand up at the end of the night! I know it's inevitable, and I don't think she'd cheat but I'm at the point where I'm going to go home early so I don't see it. Girls often say 'i'll be good' but blokes can be forceful and everyone loves a bit of attention. I haven't told her I'm leaving early and why I'll be doing so. I do trust her and I understand it's not her fault how I feel, but something I've always struggled to deal with in my head. Any thoughts/views are welcome! Thanks :-) Just remember that the only person whose actions you can control are your own.....and yes you are in the early stages of this relationship However, at the risk of having a huge argument with her I would really address this with her beforehand as this really is not only a flirting or cheating issue, but also a safety issue for her. I would simply talk to her about your concern for her overdrinking, for you have had to basically pick her up off the floor before. You don't even have to trot out your concerns about the potential for extracurricular activities. Having to pick her up off the floor one time is one time too many... And I seriously would not leave early as if you do it will be way too easy to use you leaving as an excuse to do X, Y, or Z. I suggest you voice your concerns beforehand, as it is apparent you are already showing some resentment, (which is not unfounded). But if you are not honest about your feelings at such an early stage you will carry that resentment and that will do you no good at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 You might want to consider that this may not be the woman for you. You are still early in this relationship and you are already lying by omission. That doesn't suggest a very good future for you two. Tell her how you feel straight up. If I go out with a woman she arrives and leaves with me, I don't run away hoping and praying she behaves herself while she behaves like a drunken fool. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LK30 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Share Posted July 11, 2013 Thanks for responses guys. I suppose it's just early days and I do really like her and think I fear relationships going wrong. I haven't been with her long and she has told me she loves me and she does give me lots of compliments. I do feel a bit insecure at times I admit and find myself hinting for reassurance because I sometimes feel that I'm not good enough for people. You know, I just don't believe in myself much of the time and that I actually am a nice person. Before I got with her I remember her saying she really liked buff men who have a bit of a bad boy side and I'm nothing like that as I'm skinny and quite 'proper.' I suppose I just don't understand why she's gone for me!! Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 You are going to have to find some confidence somewhere. Whatever you do, do not leave her at this party. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 You're going home early because you don't want to see her getting hammered or because you don't want to see/or bury your head in the sand in case she starts to flirt? Seems to me you're hyper vigilant about stuff, she's almost cheated even though she's done nothing of the sort. What is flirty? Is she just friendly or is she going up to dudes and grabbing them? Are you "flirty" when you're drunk? Talk a good game, a bit braver perhaps? Here's a scenario, instead of hanging back and hawk watching her every move looking for signs of cheating, why not go out with her, engage her, have fun, and most importantly claim her!! You talk about buff guys, already you've retreated like a mouse thinking this is what she wants, so if she gets drunk that is what she'll want.. but She's dating you. So claim her, have fun and see how she reacts. Don't slink off. Go and be her boyfriend! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LK30 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Share Posted July 13, 2013 UPDATE: Well we went out last night and she was drinking and I was sober (which is never a good thing) and as she got quite drunk she became very flirty. I'm not one for public affection, moreso as I was with my work colleagues. At one point I said to her 'you're unattractive when you're like this' and she took it quite badly, and one of her friends asked me to apologise. I didn't mean it harshly but i was a bit annoyed with her. At one point she played 'pass the kiss' around a table of people. It was closed mouth kissing on the lips but typically she ended up kissing a bloke in my team who I know fancies her, but he's married so no real threat. A little before midnight I left and didn't say bye. I just wanted to escape as I knew she'd get worse. The guy who likes her was part of the group that stayed on to go clubbing. I do hope she didn't kiss him any more as when I spoke to her today she said she couldn't remember some of the night. Again, he's married and I know is a moral bloke who we know well. Truth is, i'll never know. I spoke to her today and apologised for my comment to her and leaving without saying bye. She also apologised and said she felt she really let me down and was only acting a bit silly because she wanted my attention and I wasn't giving her much at all. She said she's going to do things differently. I nearly decided to split up with her but I do REALLY like her and at the end of the day it's probably my problem as it's about my insecurities. I really don't know why I get them and how to deal with it because if I don't I'm sure I'll lose her :-( She does continue to say she loves me and is really happy. I think the best bet is I avoid the situation repeating itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 UPDATE: Well we went out last night and she was drinking and I was sober (which is never a good thing) and as she got quite drunk she became very flirty. I'm not one for public affection, moreso as I was with my work colleagues. At one point I said to her 'you're unattractive when you're like this' and she took it quite badly, and one of her friends asked me to apologise. I didn't mean it harshly but i was a bit annoyed with her. At one point she played 'pass the kiss' around a table of people. It was closed mouth kissing on the lips but typically she ended up kissing a bloke in my team who I know fancies her, but he's married so no real threat. A little before midnight I left and didn't say bye. I just wanted to escape as I knew she'd get worse. The guy who likes her was part of the group that stayed on to go clubbing. I do hope she didn't kiss him any more as when I spoke to her today she said she couldn't remember some of the night. Again, he's married and I know is a moral bloke who we know well. Truth is, i'll never know. I spoke to her today and apologised for my comment to her and leaving without saying bye. She also apologised and said she felt she really let me down and was only acting a bit silly because she wanted my attention and I wasn't giving her much at all. She said she's going to do things differently. I nearly decided to split up with her but I do REALLY like her and at the end of the day it's probably my problem as it's about my insecurities. I really don't know why I get them and how to deal with it because if I don't I'm sure I'll lose her :-( She does continue to say she loves me and is really happy. I think the best bet is I avoid the situation repeating itself. Wow.... A "Pass The Kiss" Game? Really? Married Guys playing along too huh? Was there a 3 Legged Race in the Beer Garden? and to top it off she "does not remember" a portion of the night. A married "Moral Bloke" is not very moral playing a kissing game in a bar. Young man...you are dating someone who has at the very least some alcohol and boundary problems, and at the very worst has no respect for you at all..which I don't think she does. Get rid of her! You will be doing yourself a huge favor. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 She does continue to say she loves me and is really happy. I think the best bet is I avoid the situation repeating itself. By dumping her...Dude seriously you need to nut up Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 I dont buy you guy. So you're not a public affection kind of guy, so what do you do when you're out in public? Keep her at arms length? Who plays pass the kiss in front of a bunch of co-workers? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LK30 Posted July 14, 2013 Author Share Posted July 14, 2013 I don't think she started the game. One of the other girls in the group did and it just went round so I guess she just played along. Not like it was a lingering kiss or snog! I guess I just have to accept it. I do worry that after I left he might have tried it again when they all said goodbye. If she did I don't think she'd remember. Surely this happens to others, not just me. I'm just being paranoid, and I you're right Darren, I did look like I was avoiding her much of the night Link to post Share on other sites
Tom1981 Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 (edited) UPDATE: Well we went out last night and she was drinking and I was sober (which is never a good thing) and as she got quite drunk she became very flirty. I'm not one for public affection, moreso as I was with my work colleagues. At one point I said to her 'you're unattractive when you're like this' and she took it quite badly, and one of her friends asked me to apologise. I didn't mean it harshly but i was a bit annoyed with her. At one point she played 'pass the kiss' around a table of people. It was closed mouth kissing on the lips but typically she ended up kissing a bloke in my team who I know fancies her, but he's married so no real threat. A little before midnight I left and didn't say bye. I just wanted to escape as I knew she'd get worse. The guy who likes her was part of the group that stayed on to go clubbing. I do hope she didn't kiss him any more as when I spoke to her today she said she couldn't remember some of the night. Again, he's married and I know is a moral bloke who we know well. Truth is, i'll never know. I spoke to her today and apologised for my comment to her and leaving without saying bye. She also apologised and said she felt she really let me down and was only acting a bit silly because she wanted my attention and I wasn't giving her much at all. She said she's going to do things differently. I nearly decided to split up with her but I do REALLY like her and at the end of the day it's probably my problem as it's about my insecurities. I really don't know why I get them and how to deal with it because if I don't I'm sure I'll lose her :-( She does continue to say she loves me and is really happy. I think the best bet is I avoid the situation repeating itself. What insecurities? You've seen her kissing other guys plain and simple. She wanted your attention, didn't get it, so she went somewhere else for it. I don't call it a gf, I call it attention whore. Dumping material or you'll probably have to endure more than "just" kissing. Edited July 14, 2013 by Tom1981 Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 If you're not happy with your girlfriend being flirty, drunk or sober, then she's not the girl for you. If you go out with her and she plays 'pass the kiss,' and you're not happy with that.... er look man just get a new girlfriend yeah? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LK30 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Share Posted July 15, 2013 Really surprised by everyone's responses actually. I don't think she intentionally went out to flirt, but surely everyone does after a few drinks. I talked to her about it last night and she said she didn't touch that bloke after I left. She totally accepted how I felt and said she's never going to drink like that again. She sent me this message this morning... 'Hey sweetie. Everything you've said has been playing on my mind. I hate that I've made you feel anxious and insecure after the way I behaved on Fri. I just want you to know that I love you and I promise I would never do anything to hurt you. I don't want anything to go wrong between us. You mean everything to me right now.' I simply have to make a decision....I stay with her and just move on...or I leave someone who is probably one of the nicest people I've met who just gets a little flirty when drunk. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 This is trolling as its best.... so the guy is worry she may cheat on him but he left her alone drunk with a guy who fancies her and with whom she was "passing the kiss" around the table (who by the way happens to be OP's colleague and is married). This is worse than a bad tv show... don't try to sell this book, is lame and boring! Link to post Share on other sites
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