Does he want me back or is this one hell of a breadcrumb?

[JadedRomantic]

So ... I was with my man for 2 years and thought that I had found the love of my life and things were amazing ... then he suddenly up and left.

 

I've posted about it before: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/399508-dumper-sending-mixed-signals-gigs

 

Then about 3 weeks ago, he contacts me, texting me, calls me, just checking up. Then he comes over to hang out. He tells me I was perfect and he didn't realize and apologizes for a few things. Over the course of the next couple weeks, he calls me almost every day, returns my calls and texts, comes by.

 

We used to live together. He came by, took a shower, was in his boxers in front of me, had me style him (we're both in fashion), and when I got emotional and told him I was confused, he hugged me and kissed me and told me that we were good and we were 'us' and not to worry. After that, we've seen each other every other day, just hanging out. We laugh and joke, talk about future plans, tell each other about whats going on.

 

BUT ... (there's always a but ... ) he doesn't want to move back in and still hasn't asked me out to anything like a date. No dinner or movie, not even coffee. We just hang out at my place (our old place together) and at the dog park (we have a dog together too). He said he's open to a movie or dinner, but he's just really busy right now and doesn't have the time. He still cares about me but doesn't want to force anything.

 

He hugs me and kisses me, has expressed jealousy (jokingly) about other guys that may look at me or talk to me, he talks about our future plans, but hasn't initiated anything sexual either.

 

Is this the road to a second chance? If so ... what should I do? Should I not mention anyhting else and just see where it goes?

 

Or am I being 'friend-zoned'????

 

Please help! I'm super confused and not sure what to make of his answers.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like you're being strung along and not given the chance to have a clean break. Many people do this until they have found a suitable mate keeping the ex along for the ride as a "just in case".

 

Cut the contact and if he wants to be with you, on your terms, he will make it happen and there will be no doubts in your mind about his intentions.

[along60years]

I have no idea what is going on inside this man's head, but until he starts giving you what YOU want stop letting him have everything he wants. You need to make him work a little. Right now he has everything he had with you before AND he is free to see other people as well, which I am sure is not alright with you.

 

My advice would be to draw the boundaries you would set if you were never going to be a couple again and demand his respect. Unless you kiss and let all your friends shower at your house, you need to put a stop to that. Live like he is never coming back, until he does on the terms of your choosing.

[BC1980]

You're messing up right now because you are letting him back in too fast. You are telling him that he can just leave anytime, and you will be right there to take him back. Basically, you are telling him you aren't really worth working for, you have a low value to him.

 

You have made a huge mistake by letting him set the tone. He called you, and you immediately ran back to him. Big mistake in the long run. That's weak behavior that men (and women but especially men) don't like even though he is acting like he wants to get back together.

[JadedRomantic]

You're messing up right now because you are letting him back in too fast. You are telling him that he can just leave anytime, and you will be right there to take him back. Basically, you are telling him you aren't really worth working for, you have a low value to him.

 

You have made a huge mistake by letting him set the tone. He called you, and you immediately ran back to him. Big mistake in the long run. That's weak behavior that men (and women but especially men) don't like even though he is acting like he wants to get back together.

 

Yes, I am aware that I may come across that way and really do not want to. What is too fast though? We were on a break for 4 mnths and 3 mnths of NC before he started calling me and coming over this past month.

 

I told him today that I wasn't ok with being just friends and that it was unfair and hurtful to me. I still had feelings for him and if he only saw me as a friend, then I'd rather him not see me at all for now. He told me that that was cold hearted of me to say and that I'm the only one he can really count on in the world and he wants to do the same for me and that I am in all his future plans. He said he understood where I was coming from, begged me not to be sad and said that he wanted to come over tomorrow and talk to me more. Then he left for work after a hug and a few nice words.

 

I also have no idea what is going on in his head and I feel like the more I express myself and talk to him about it, the more his answers and gestures confuse me.

[JadedRomantic]

I have no idea what is going on inside this man's head, but until he starts giving you what YOU want stop letting him have everything he wants. You need to make him work a little. Right now he has everything he had with you before AND he is free to see other people as well, which I am sure is not alright with you.

 

My advice would be to draw the boundaries you would set if you were never going to be a couple again and demand his respect. Unless you kiss and let all your friends shower at your house, you need to put a stop to that. Live like he is never coming back, until he does on the terms of your choosing.

 

 

I agree. ANd not in a game playing way, but in a 'i am truly trying to move on' type of way, I have gone on dates myself and am now seeing one guy but casually. There have been times that I have not answered his calls or not been able to see him or have kept him waiting due to me being out and about myself and not factoring him in (consciously).

 

But ... I do want to set some boundaries and let him understand I'm not ok with it at all. I'm just not sure how. He shows up at the door ...

[TaraMaiden]

He's using emotional blackmail to manipulate into meeting his needs.

You need to TELL him - and mean it - that util he is prepared to commit to a full relationship - all the whistles and bells - and maybe even attend counselling to ensure you meet one another's needs and confront the issues which broke you up last time - then you want him to stop messing with your mind, ask him to leave, and go No Contact.

 

You see, bizarre as it may sound, what his game is, and what is going on in his mind, is frankly immaterial and irrelevant.

What matters most - is that you know what you want.

And this sure ain't it, is it?

Be firm, be determined and tell him this isn't all about him.

This is about what you want/need too. And he's not providing it.

Until he does - if indeed, he does - then it stops here.

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree. ANd not in a game playing way, but in a 'i am truly trying to move on' type of way, I have gone on dates myself and am now seeing one guy but casually. There have been times that I have not answered his calls or not been able to see him or have kept him waiting due to me being out and about myself and not factoring him in (consciously).

 

But ... I do want to set some boundaries and let him understand I'm not ok with it at all. I'm just not sure how. He shows up at the door ...

 

Tell him it's unacceptable to just do the pop-in. The pop-in sucks.

[JadedRomantic]

Am I wrong to think that with him popping up and seeing me 3-4 times a week, calling me all the time just to talk, eluding to a future and bringing up happy past memories is a possible road to reconciliation?

 

How do I, if I'm still in love with him, tell him to stop coming around when I do like the fact that he does?

[TaraMaiden]

It's very simple.

tell him you cannot tolerate fence-sitting.

He's either in - or out.

 

Which is it to be?

 

His choice.

 

Make it.

[Simon Phoenix]

Am I wrong to think that with him popping up and seeing me 3-4 times a week, calling me all the time just to talk, eluding to a future and bringing up happy past memories is a possible road to reconciliation?

 

How do I, if I'm still in love with him, tell him to stop coming around when I do like the fact that he does?

 

1. You could be extremely wrong. I've seen and heard this happening many times.

 

2. You need to tell him to **** or get off the pot. Simple.

[JadedRomantic]

That's the thing though. In the beginning, I did tell him to do his thing but that I wouldn't be waiting around. And I went NC. Virtually NC for 4 mnths, serious NC for 3 months.

 

I've been on a few dates and he knows that. And I told him just a day ago that I can't have him as a friend with him knowing how I feel about him. He said a bunch of things (see above) and left after a long hug.

 

As I have already did the NC and gone on the dates, I'm not sure how to 'play' this. I want a 'second chance' and have read that after a period of NC, the ex will either try to come back if there are still feelings, or they will remain gone. I had chalked him up as gone for good since he left so abruptly and completely (he left all his clothes etc. and except for one long confusing phone call right after it happened, I went NC except to arrange picking up the dog and i wasn't there for that, I had a neighbor let him in).

 

So ... I'm sorry if it seems like I'm having a hard time getting things lol I hear you all loud and clear, but I'm trying to figure out that now that he's back AFTER the NC, how do I proceed???

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I told him just a day ago that I can't have him as a friend with him knowing how I feel about him.

I'm trying to figure out that now that he's back AFTER the NC, how do I proceed???

 

You told him that you can't be just friends. So it does not need to be said again.

 

I think he is back, but not fully back. Not sure what he is waiting for, but there is something.

 

I think you need to see what he says today, assuming he doesn't just pretend the whole thing never happened. Then...assuming he does not profess his undying love, or opens the discussion of relationship status, you need to start to be significantly less available. Get out of the limbo you are in.

 

Don't answer every call, or answer and say, sorry cant talk now. You need to be busy so that when he comes over, like getting dressed and say "oh sorry I have plans" it's best if you actually up have plans. Tell him he's free to stay and walk the dog, or not, whatever. Not no contact, just limit it significantly.

 

You need to hang out with friends, go on dates, put up online dating profile if you don't have one. Basically live your life, but be less around and available to him. Even if you are hanging out at the coffee shop or library.

 

He will either step it up or not. But you will be ok either way.

Edited July 16, 2013 by It-is-what-it-is.
Hit go too fast.

[TaraMaiden]

As I have already did the NC and gone on the dates, I'm not sure how to 'play' this. I want a 'second chance' and have read that after a period of NC, the ex will either try to come back if there are still feelings, or they will remain gone....

.

So ... I'm sorry if it seems like I'm having a hard time getting things lol I hear you all loud and clear, but I'm trying to figure out that now that he's back AFTER the NC, how do I proceed???

I advise you to read the No Contact Guide in my signature.

The first post is the Guide itself, and lays out quite clearly under what circumstances you may like to consider their offer to 'try again' and how to ensure they mean it.

 

It also goes into great detail about 'breadcrumbs' and not being a FWB - which seems to be pretty much how he'd like it to be by the sound of it....

 

The remainder of the thread is basically a catalogue of contributions from members on the perils and pitfalls of remaining in a friendship, trying to, or agreeing to.

 

In a nutshell:

 

Cut him off all ways possible, unless he comes crawling back on his hands and knees begging for another chance and promising to commit in earnest.....

 

It's either black or white, for this guy, my dear - no in-between stuff.

[BC1980]

It really sounds like he is feeling you out again to see if the relationship can be revived. But that's not fair to you at all. You are not confused; he is confused. I would not talk at all about the relationship because it will get you nowhere.

 

Me, I would stand up for myself and go NC. If he really wants you back, he will come back. It may not be as quickly as you would like or think it would be, or it may be never. The most important thing is your emotional well being.

 

If you really want to know how to act around him if you don't go no contact, read "The Reverse Ultimatum" by Mimi Tanner. The book has some good stuff about living your own life in general also.

[JadedRomantic]

Well ... it's been a week and he's still calling me and seeing me almost everyday. Everything is terms of how we were in the relationship is back ... we chill together, work on business ideas and etc together (we're both in fashion and work freelance), he works at night as well and calls me first thing in the morning.

 

He doesn't have to see me so I know that he is making the time. He shows concern for me like he used to about things, he does and says little things that is more than 'just friends'. He even asked me when I'd be back from my trip home so he can take me out for my birthday.

 

I have mentioned, lightly, again in this past week that I still have strong feelings for him and being friends is too hurtful for me. He told me he understood and just didn't want to force anything but is open to seeing where it goes.

 

I don't know if now is the right point to go back to NC. I love him and want to work on it, even if it is slowly and he's a good guy. I know he's confused but not purposefully or maliciously stringing me along or 'using' me or anything like that.

 

I guess I'm just wondering now ... why is he acting like we're 'together' again, but we're not.

 

Oh also ... we're not sexually active with each other and I catch him staring at me, watching me from behind and he even lingered a little longer than neccessary once when he was 'surprised' that i was changing.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, kerrist.....

 

He's put you into a 'Friend-Zone'.

Worst possible place in the world to be, if you're in Love with someone.

 

By accepting his "we'll see how it goes' he's basically given himself huge room for manoeuvre, and is keeping you dangling, hopeful, puzzled, unsure - but at least there as an emotional stop-gap, while he carries on as before....

 

In a nutshell, basically what you have agreed to, is a form of Emotional manipulation and torture.

 

Tell me you honestly completely like how this feels.

Tell me you're comfortable with the situation.

Tell me it doesn't hurt you to see him, and not have him.

 

I rest my case.

[BC1980]

I certainly wouldn't be seeing someone everyday while they decide if they want to be together because they are confused. Sure, maybe he isn't purposefully being manipulative of you, but he's still doing it. You don't owe him anything at this point. You don't owe him any of your time, but you are seeing him everyday.

 

He will never make a decision because you are making things way too easy for him. He can come over and hang out everyday with no commitment. Go NC, and see what he does. Force his hand instead of waiting around like a doormat. This is how you deal with people who can't commit and who love to hang around in limbo. They are free to be in limbo, but you don't need to be there with them. Remember, you owe him nothing right now. NC it must be.

[anna121]

I am sure he enjoys hanging out with you, sincerely cares about you etc etc. B/c it is all no-obligation and on HIS terms.

 

It sounds terribly imbalanced and a pathway to failure and heartache.

 

You "like" him coming around b/c you are still addicted to him. But you are not really enjoying it, because of the uncertainty.

 

The fact that he won't hang out with you in public is about the biggest red flag there is. I'd be pretty insulted, myself.

[JadedRomantic]

I am sure he enjoys hanging out with you, sincerely cares about you etc etc. B/c it is all no-obligation and on HIS terms.

 

It sounds terribly imbalanced and a pathway to failure and heartache.

 

You "like" him coming around b/c you are still addicted to him. But you are not really enjoying it, because of the uncertainty.

 

The fact that he won't hang out with you in public is about the biggest red flag there is. I'd be pretty insulted, myself.

 

 

We are seen in public together lol We run errands together (sometimes solely my errands and not his), go to bookstores, etc. Just no date stuff although when I brought it up, he said he was open to going to a movie or grabbing dinner, he just can't say when b/c he's busy. Which he is. I watched him fill out his time card the other day and he worked 12 days straight (8 -10 hours), plus has school.

[JadedRomantic]

I agree though that I HATE IT and do find it very unfair, whether or not he is doing it intentionally. I don't want to make things so 'easy' for him therefore causing him to stay in 'limbo'. Should I say something to him about it and then go NC, or do I just go NC again?

 

And I also read that when it's over, it's over. Especially with and Aries (which he is). We went 3 mnths of NC and he initiated contact and the first few times he asked if he could come by, I turned him down. Even so, he still called and chatted and let me say what I had to say on the subject, responded in a caring way, and persisted on asking me (not in a rude way) if he could come by and I finally said yes and then this is where we are now.

 

3 months of NC (and one month of LC before hand), a few breadcrumbs that I didn't feed into or fuel ... why be friends with me especially if I say, I can't really handle being friends ...

 

His uncle and gma tell me to 'keep a candle lit in the window' for him and once he got his head on straight, he'd be back before I know it. They are older and of a different culture tho so ... idk!

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree though that I HATE IT and do find it very unfair, whether or not he is doing it intentionally. I don't want to make things so 'easy' for him therefore causing him to stay in 'limbo'. Should I say something to him about it and then go NC, or do I just go NC again?

 

And I also read that when it's over, it's over. Especially with and Aries (which he is). We went 3 mnths of NC and he initiated contact and the first few times he asked if he could come by, I turned him down. Even so, he still called and chatted and let me say what I had to say on the subject, responded in a caring way, and persisted on asking me (not in a rude way) if he could come by and I finally said yes and then this is where we are now.

 

3 months of NC (and one month of LC before hand), a few breadcrumbs that I didn't feed into or fuel ... why be friends with me especially if I say, I can't really handle being friends ...

 

His uncle and gma tell me to 'keep a candle lit in the window' for him and once he got his head on straight, he'd be back before I know it. They are older and of a different culture tho so ... idk!

 

I think you are building the foundation for a platonic friendship, or a friends with benefits. You are way too available and not presenting much of a challenge at all.

[TaraMaiden]

I agree though that I HATE IT and do find it very unfair, whether or not he is doing it intentionally.

It doesn't matter whether it's intentional or otherwise. You're still feeling the effects and they're not pleasant.

 

I don't want to make things so 'easy' for him therefore causing him to stay in 'limbo'. Should I say something to him about it and then go NC, or do I just go NC again?

Juat go no Contact.

And this time, you need to block him and prevent him form being able to speak with you, because every time you say to him words to the effect "I still love you, so I can't be your friend"you get the "Ok, sure I understand" and then he just blithely goes on as before.

You need to establish your boundaries.

And stick them where he can't possibly miss them.

 

And I also read that when it's over, it's over. Especially with and Aries (which he is). We went 3 mnths of NC and he initiated contact and the first few times he asked if he could come by, I turned him down. Even so, he still called and chatted....

Exactly.

He's not taking you seriously.

 

and let me say what I had to say on the subject, responded in a caring way, and persisted on asking me (not in a rude way) if he could come by and I finally said yes and then this is where we are now.

...Aaaaand - you gave in again, and capitulated. Which basically tells him he can get you to do whatever suits him, whatever he wants, and that's more important to him than what YOU want.

"Intentional" or not, it's bloody rude, disrespectful and frankly poor mannered.

3 months of NC (and one month of LC before hand), a few breadcrumbs that I didn't feed into or fuel ... why be friends with me especially if I say, I can't really handle being friends ...

...yet you continue to tolerate his insistence and impact on your life?

Why?

 

His uncle and gma tell me to 'keep a candle lit in the window' for him and once he got his head on straight, he'd be back before I know it. They are older and of a different culture tho so ... idk!

Ignore them.

Ignore him.

Go No Contact.

It's the only thing that will keep you sane.