atlg8r Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 I know the answers I get here don't really matter; however, I talk for my own sanity after a break up. I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks. Met at church. He seemed very interested in me. Would text regularly throughout the day. Invited me to his house for dinner. Came to my house where I made dinner. He initiated kissing & cuddling, but no sex. He respected I did not want to do that soon. After the first two dates, he's looked for me at church twice to sit with me. He's sat with me at our bible study & waited on me to walk out each night. Once he took me out for a drink after and we talked until 1 am on a work night! He's held my hand in public and kissed me in public. He's constantly telling me how cute I am, how attracted he is to me. He mentioned me to his family and said that he told them "I'm really well put together." We had plans this weekend to go to a baseball game. Friends had given me tickets for free, so we'd just have to pay for parking & food/drinks. I knew he'd been laid off/unemployed for about a month when we met. He just within the past two weeks got a part-time job that he hopes will lead to full time soon. I know money has been an issue for him, because he even told me that he wanted to get together (for our first meeting) but he had to stick to a budget, which is why he invited me over for dinner at his house. So yesterday he backed out of the baseball game because he can't afford to go, and he was not "going to ask you to pay for anything for me. I don't work like that." Then later we talked about meeting up, and eventually he backed out of that too. Followed by a long text saying he had not felt well all day and had been thinking and decided "I don't think I'm ready to be dating again. My life is not what I want it to be and I need to spend more time focusing on God and on my career before I focus on what I can offer to a woman right now." He proceeded to tell me that "You're an amazing woman. You really are. You've got it all together." Followed by "I really like spending time with you too. A lot. You're attractive in a million different ways." He went on to intimate that I'm "a lot of fun" and he feels bad when he has to tell me he can't afford to go to a baseball game or to some other events we've talked about. So, regardless, I know I just have to back off. But for my own sanity, is this a case of "he's just not that into ME" or is it legit that a man could really like a woman but not feel he's in a place to treat her how he wants? I really hope it's the latter, but at the same time, I don't care about all that stuff. I mean, I know he needs to work and support himself, but if I had to choose between just hanging out at home or doing low-cost/free stuff with him or NOT seeing him at all, I'd choose the former! This guy is great....I've had a previous 7-year relationship fail that taught me EXACTLY what I'm looking for in a partner, and this guy has most of it. I'm extremely disappointed right now. Anyway, thanks for reading if you made it to the end. Link to post Share on other sites
CherryT Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Well... what we say doesn't matter anyway... so take it with a grain of salt. From what you said, it sounds like he is in a tough spot and he feels bad that he cannot take you out. Whether he likes you or not is semi-irrelevant in this situation because HE doesn't feel like the man he wants to be in this relationship... because he can't provide the way he wants to. So he's taking a step back to re-collect himself before he gets into one. I think that's pretty OK... I saw it a lot when my friends were just getting out of college. If you were 100% transparent with him that you didn't mind doing low key things and that you didn't expect the dinner dates etc and he still chose to not be in a relationship. I'm thinking he outweighed how much he liked you versus his current financial situation. He may not have felt a strong enough attraction to work through his financial situation with you and develop that relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 11, 2013 Author Share Posted July 11, 2013 I didn't push it. I didn't want to be "that girl." I said simply that it sucks, because I think he's a really great guy and I enjoy spending time with him. I also said I understand where he's coming from (I have also gone through unemployment in the past and being flat broke). The one thing I said was that he has a lot of qualities that are a lot more important to me than going to a baseball game. The last thing I said was "don't be a stranger." We will likely see each other at church, and while I do NOT want to be just his friend, I am okay with being "friendly". He said "of course I won't :)" in regard to not being a stranger. He then proceeded to text me a little later about our favorite football team. I was scarce with replies because I'm disappointed, a little hurt and honestly was just tired and went to sleep. Nothing today though. Link to post Share on other sites
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 So he was unemployed when he initially pursued you which didn't stop him, and now that he actually has a job, albeit part-time, all of a sudden he figures he's too broke to date. It doesn't add up. It's probably just an excuse. Sometimes people can really like you and respect you and still not want to get romantically involved with you because they find something missing. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 11, 2013 Author Share Posted July 11, 2013 So he was unemployed when he initially pursued you which didn't stop him, and now that he actually has a job, albeit part-time, all of a sudden he figures he's too broke to date. It doesn't add up. It's probably just an excuse. Sometimes people can really like you and respect you and still not want to get romantically involved with you because they find something missing. That's a good point. We met at a bible study class & just naturally hit it off and talked for like a half hour afterward. I guess technically I friended him on Facebook and messaged him first. But then he asked if we could text so I gave him my number. After that, though, he would more often initiate conversation. Now that I'm thinking it through again, though, I think I was the one who said "when do we get to hang out outside of a church setting." Hmmm. I guess I pushed when I shouldn't have. Link to post Share on other sites
BradJacobs Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 I'm sorry. Stuff like this sucks but there's nothing that you can do about it. If being broke makes him feel emasculated then he did the right thing. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 11, 2013 Author Share Posted July 11, 2013 I'm sorry. Stuff like this sucks but there's nothing that you can do about it. If being broke makes him feel emasculated then he did the right thing. Best of luck! Thanks. He definitely is of the mentality that the man should be the man, which in general I like. I just wish it didn't mean we couldn't continue exploring this. I hope that things will change in the future, but who knows. Just makes me sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Crazy....so the guy texted me tonight asking if I was more mad than I let on yesterday. He said I had a right to be mad since he just made this decision without really hearing me out. Long story short, he said it really has nothing to do with his feelings for me. He said he's very into me. I think there are two things going on: 1, he knows I recently got out of a long-term relationship. He asked me about it tonight - if I really thought I was over it. I also communicated to him again that I don't particularly care what activities we're doing - for me it's more about spending time with him. I don't know what will happen from here, but I feel better that I had a chance to really talk to him about things more. I hope we can have further discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
shexy Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Well since what we say doesn't matter............. I want to focus on my career = I don't want to be in a relationship with you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Well since what we say doesn't matter............. I want to focus on my career = I don't want to be in a relationship with you Lol....I didn't mean it that way. Geez. I meant the answers I get wouldn't change what he wanted or didn't want. Easy, killer. Link to post Share on other sites
sdraw108 Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 The best you can do really is make it clear to him that you don't care about his money situation (which it seems like you've already done - maybe reiterate it one more time in a future conversation), and leave it with him to decide what he wants. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 If you like him, why not take him at his word. Link to post Share on other sites
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Crazy....so the guy texted me tonight asking if I was more mad than I let on yesterday. He said I had a right to be mad since he just made this decision without really hearing me out. It really annoys me when someone, who's essentially just dumped you, insists on staying high on your radar with almost daily contact. I don't know why some people do it, I guess they get an ego boost from knowing they can still get to you whenever it pleases them. And in your case it's not like you've known each other for 10 years, he's an acquaintance at best at this point. He's made his choice in regards to you. Everything else he does, from this point on, is just to satisfy his own curiosity, boredom, whatever. Not to give you anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 Update: So I told the guy I respected what he said and his being honest, and that I would kinda do my thing and see what happened down the line. I was set to just move on (sadly, but still was going to). He then proceeded to text me throughout Friday evening & invited me over Friday night. I spent the night, but we did NOT sleep together. Just cuddled. He made me breakfast Saturday morning. I told him I would go so he could get ready for work, but he said "No, you're tired. Stay and relax. I don't have to go yet." So he got ready & I just relaxed a little bit. He kissed me and kept saying sweet stuff like how cute I am. He walked me out and kissed me goodbye. He then texted me a little during the day Saturday. He saw me drive up to church Sunday morning & waited for me to walk in. We didn't sit together b/c he had to leave early for work and I was meeting an old friend from college who just moved to our city. But he texted me more Sunday afternoon, and then again on Monday he was texting me throughout the day. I'm really confused. I guess the logical answer is that he doesn't want to date but still likes me and the attention? I guess the logical response is that I should back off and move on? Why do guys do this stupid crap? Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 He still wants to see you in circumstances where it will not cost him any money or real "dating type" effort – i.e. last minute hang out dates at his house, you sleeping over, church, and texting. He may hope that this will at some point lead to sex. Tread carefully. Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 He still wants to see you in circumstances where it will not cost him any money or real "dating type" effort – i.e. last minute hang out dates at his house, you sleeping over, church, and texting. He may hope that this will at some point lead to sex. Tread carefully. Thanks. I don't intend to sleep with anyone outside of an exclusive relationship, so..... Is this just a waste of my time? I mean, I'm still meeting other people and open to dating others. I hate playing these kinds of games and don't really know what the F I'm doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 Just stop investing any more emotional energy into this situation; trying to figure it out and talking about it. If he is interested in you and seriously wants to be "the man," he will invite you out on a proper date soon; if he never does that please stop engaging in the texting and just move on. On your own, without explaining it all to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 I appreciate what you're saying. It's just so frustrating. On Friday, when I told him I would respect what he said and appreciated his honesty, I'd assumed he'd stop texting and wanting to hang out so much. Maybe we'd touch base at church or once or twice during the week. I feel like telling him that *I* am the one who needs space if he's not interested in dating me. Put your money where your mouth is....if you don't want to date me, then stop acting like you do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I know the answers I get here don't really matter; however, I talk for my own sanity after a break up. I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks. Met at church. He seemed very interested in me. Would text regularly throughout the day. Invited me to his house for dinner. Came to my house where I made dinner. He initiated kissing & cuddling, but no sex. He respected I did not want to do that soon. After the first two dates, he's looked for me at church twice to sit with me. He's sat with me at our bible study & waited on me to walk out each night. Once he took me out for a drink after and we talked until 1 am on a work night! He's held my hand in public and kissed me in public. He's constantly telling me how cute I am, how attracted he is to me. He mentioned me to his family and said that he told them "I'm really well put together." We had plans this weekend to go to a baseball game. Friends had given me tickets for free, so we'd just have to pay for parking & food/drinks. I knew he'd been laid off/unemployed for about a month when we met. He just within the past two weeks got a part-time job that he hopes will lead to full time soon. I know money has been an issue for him, because he even told me that he wanted to get together (for our first meeting) but he had to stick to a budget, which is why he invited me over for dinner at his house. So yesterday he backed out of the baseball game because he can't afford to go, and he was not "going to ask you to pay for anything for me. I don't work like that." Then later we talked about meeting up, and eventually he backed out of that too. Followed by a long text saying he had not felt well all day and had been thinking and decided "I don't think I'm ready to be dating again. My life is not what I want it to be and I need to spend more time focusing on God and on my career before I focus on what I can offer to a woman right now." He proceeded to tell me that "You're an amazing woman. You really are. You've got it all together." Followed by "I really like spending time with you too. A lot. You're attractive in a million different ways." He went on to intimate that I'm "a lot of fun" and he feels bad when he has to tell me he can't afford to go to a baseball game or to some other events we've talked about. So, regardless, I know I just have to back off. But for my own sanity, is this a case of "he's just not that into ME" or is it legit that a man could really like a woman but not feel he's in a place to treat her how he wants? I really hope it's the latter, but at the same time, I don't care about all that stuff. I mean, I know he needs to work and support himself, but if I had to choose between just hanging out at home or doing low-cost/free stuff with him or NOT seeing him at all, I'd choose the former! This guy is great....I've had a previous 7-year relationship fail that taught me EXACTLY what I'm looking for in a partner, and this guy has most of it. I'm extremely disappointed right now. Anyway, thanks for reading if you made it to the end. I read the book (he's just not that into you) a few years ago and didn't believe it when he (the author) said men would rather get trampled by a herd of elephants rather than tell a woman he's just not interested. Now, trust me, I do! lol My best advice - let it go and move on. he isn't the only good one out there and don't waste your energy chasing after him. You'll only get more hurt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 Crazy....so the guy texted me tonight asking if I was more mad than I let on yesterday. He said I had a right to be mad since he just made this decision without really hearing me out. Long story short, he said it really has nothing to do with his feelings for me. He said he's very into me. I think there are two things going on: 1, he knows I recently got out of a long-term relationship. He asked me about it tonight - if I really thought I was over it. I also communicated to him again that I don't particularly care what activities we're doing - for me it's more about spending time with him. I don't know what will happen from here, but I feel better that I had a chance to really talk to him about things more. I hope we can have further discussion. Early March, I met this awesome guy. Just got out of a long relationship. Met him online. Said he wanted to date but nothing serious. He then spend the next few weeks telling me that we could have something special together but not right now. He didn't want us to sleep together because he would feel like a douchebag if it wasn't serious because I deserved more blahbitty blah blah blah! etc etc etc Two months later, I find out he'd been dating and totally fell for another girl all along. As luck would have it, she did to him the exact thing he did to me - but alas - not my point. My point is - tell him to get his **** together and contact you when he is ready to commit. If you're still available and interested - well he should be so lucky. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 I'm in the process of doing that. I agree with a previous response.... I just can't get emotionally invested with someone given he said he's not ready to date. Despite how much he texts me or wants to see me, and how much I enjoy it. It's a dead-end street. Thanks. I have to talk through stuff to get to where I need to be mentally and emotionally. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Adele0908 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 If he doesn't feel financially stable, he won't be able to go deeper into a relationship with you. It's not your fault. Don't take it personally. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 If he doesn't feel financially stable, he won't be able to go deeper into a relationship with you. It's not your fault. Don't take it personally. Thanks. I basically told him that I need some space, because I don't want to get too emotionally invested. I said I appreciate that he was honest and forthcoming, but it's hard to remember where he stands about not being ready to date when we text all the time and spend so much time together (although I did let him know I've enjoyed it very much). This is just much better for me...instead of wondering when he's going to text me or when we might see each other, I can focus on my own life without any drama or confusion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I'm in the process of doing that. I agree with a previous response.... I just can't get emotionally invested with someone given he said he's not ready to date. Despite how much he texts me or wants to see me, and how much I enjoy it. It's a dead-end street. Thanks. I have to talk through stuff to get to where I need to be mentally and emotionally. That-a-girl! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author atlg8r Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 That-a-girl! Last year, I wouldn't have been strong enough to do this. Ha. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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