"Need to focus on job" - what gives?

[Maleficent]

Last year, I wouldn't have been strong enough to do this. Ha.

 

6 months ago I wasn't strong enough to do this.

[atlg8r]

So I told him I needed some space.....and he didn't even make it an hour without texting me...TWICE. Ugh. I'm still ignoring him. I'm frustrated...he's a sweet guy. I didn't expect him to try and manipulate me.

[ExpatInItaly]

So I told him I needed some space.....and he didn't even make it an hour without texting me...TWICE. Ugh. I'm still ignoring him. I'm frustrated...he's a sweet guy. I didn't expect him to try and manipulate me.

 

What did he text you?

[atlg8r]

What did he text you?

 

Just random stuff about the football team we both like. Once was the time of the first game of the season (just announced today). The second text was a picture of a new beer koozie in our team colors. I haven't responded.

[atlg8r]

I agree Stiletto. But I flat out told him I just wanted to spend time with him and didn't care what we did. I told him I was happy watching soccer and taking a nap as we did one Sunday afternoon. He said he didn't know women like me existed...I.e. ones who were happy just spending time together. I don't have any indication that that changed his stance in dating me now though. So I don't really know what else to do that wouldn't be beating a dead horse. I really like him. But I don't wanna just spin my wheels.

[atlg8r]

Update again..... So, I was really frustrated last night & finally just told him "sorry to beat a dead horse but what exactly do you want from me". I reminded him I'd asked for space & yet he still was texting me.

 

Basically, there was a hugeeeee miscommunication. When we discussed his "not being ready to date" apparently some of what I said resonated with him, but he failed to tell me that. That's why he had me over Friday night & had a good time with me. But then he saw on Facebook I went out with friends Saturday night partying, and he says I acted weird Sunday at church (still not sure what that's about) and he then thought that maybe *I* was not ready to date yet (because of my previous 7-year relationship).

 

So, we are gonna talk again today (we could only text last night briefly because he was having dinner at his family's house and I had to go to sleep early for work), but it seems like he just failed to tell me he was considering dating after our discussions, and I assumed he wasn't interested so I started backing off some.

 

This kinda stuff drives me crazy. Ha.

[Emilia]

This kinda stuff drives me crazy. Ha.

Would you say he is basically blaming you and not take responsibility for his part? Because if that's the case, he is just a weak, insecure little boy who will always create problems when he is not sure about something and run away when it's time to resolve.

[atlg8r]

Would you say he is basically blaming you and not take responsibility for his part? Because if that's the case, he is just a weak, insecure little boy who will always create problems when he is not sure about something and run away when it's time to resolve.

 

No, I don't. I think we are both seeing that each of us had certain thoughts and assumptions that were not clearly communicated to the other.

 

It SEEMED to me that he was open to dating after our talks and that what I said had impacted him. BUT I've learned to NEVER just look at a man's actions and make assumptions. So even though he seemed open to dating me and had me over that Friday night, I did not assume he was then open to dating, and he never communicated to me that he was.

 

Guys always say they're not mind readers, but neither are women! I think he sees that he made an error on Sunday morning at church by going to sit elsewhere....for whatever reason, he thought I was acting weird, but I thought he was trying to get some space.

 

So....we'll see what he says today. I hope we can work it out, but if not, definitely some lessons learned.

[ExpatInItaly]

Update again..... So, I was really frustrated last night & finally just told him "sorry to beat a dead horse but what exactly do you want from me". I reminded him I'd asked for space & yet he still was texting me.

 

Basically, there was a hugeeeee miscommunication. When we discussed his "not being ready to date" apparently some of what I said resonated with him, but he failed to tell me that. That's why he had me over Friday night & had a good time with me. But then he saw on Facebook I went out with friends Saturday night partying, and he says I acted weird Sunday at church (still not sure what that's about) and he then thought that maybe *I* was not ready to date yet (because of my previous 7-year relationship).

 

So, we are gonna talk again today (we could only text last night briefly because he was having dinner at his family's house and I had to go to sleep early for work), but it seems like he just failed to tell me he was considering dating after our discussions, and I assumed he wasn't interested so I started backing off some.

 

This kinda stuff drives me crazy. Ha.

 

How did he answer that question? What does he want?

[atlg8r]

How did he answer that question? What does he want?

 

He said he decided he wanted to date after all..... that he realized he was overthinking everything and worrying without cause. But then over the weekend, he said I acted differently. I don't think I did....but I was still under the assumption that dating him was off the table, so mayyyyybe I was a bit more distant. I don't know for sure.

 

We've texted a little bit today and I hope to talk to him either in person or by phone later. I hate texting in regard to serious stuff like this.

[Maleficent]

Update again..... So, I was really frustrated last night & finally just told him "sorry to beat a dead horse but what exactly do you want from me". I reminded him I'd asked for space & yet he still was texting me.

 

Basically, there was a hugeeeee miscommunication. When we discussed his "not being ready to date" apparently some of what I said resonated with him, but he failed to tell me that. That's why he had me over Friday night & had a good time with me. But then he saw on Facebook I went out with friends Saturday night partying, and he says I acted weird Sunday at church (still not sure what that's about) and he then thought that maybe *I* was not ready to date yet (because of my previous 7-year relationship).

 

So, we are gonna talk again today (we could only text last night briefly because he was having dinner at his family's house and I had to go to sleep early for work), but it seems like he just failed to tell me he was considering dating after our discussions, and I assumed he wasn't interested so I started backing off some.

 

This kinda stuff drives me crazy. Ha.

 

Hahahah! Funny. I am reading a book about emotional unavailability and the author refers to this as Cha-cha.

You back off, he comes to you, so you start chasing him again and so he backs off

chachacha.

 

Lose him fast!

[dasein]

Didn't read whole thread. Usually I'd say he's just being polite and trying to let you down easy, but too broke for baseball tickets? If that's really the case, he's dead on right not to be dating and should focus on getting his work life going before dating again. Sounds like bad timing due to economic reality, which is very different for men than women when contemplating a social life that includes dates. Would take him at his word and move on entirely to other options. Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

He said he decided he wanted to date after all..... that he realized he was overthinking everything and worrying without cause. But then over the weekend, he said I acted differently. I don't think I did....but I was still under the assumption that dating him was off the table, so mayyyyybe I was a bit more distant. I don't know for sure.

 

We've texted a little bit today and I hope to talk to him either in person or by phone later. I hate texting in regard to serious stuff like this.

 

Oy. Get ready for a lot of push-pull with this guy.

[atlg8r]

Nope it's over. I pushed for a resolution, and he texted me a bunch last night about random stuff. When I said "I know you're working but I'm falling asleep. Will you please at some point just give me a straight answer? I don't want to waste anyone's time." he said verbatim. "I find you attractive but I don't see us being anything more than friends."

 

I said I didn't understand what happened and that I enjoyed spending time with him, to which he replied "oh I enjoy spending time with you too."

 

He didn't really give me any clear response as to what the issue was then, so I just said "I respect that you don't want to date me, but I don't really want to just be your friend. I'm really sorry this worked out this way. :("

 

I then removed our social media connections. He didn't respond. So I assume that's just it and we won't talk again.

 

Really wish I knew what happened though.

[atlg8r]

He wanted you to be his FWB. (Even if you didnt have sex per se, there are still "benefits" he wanted, without a dating committment)

 

Good for you for handling it properly and not being naive

 

I hate to think you might be right. Thought I'd avoid that at least a LITTLE bit by meeting somebody at church! Good grief.

[Emilia]

I hate to think you might be right. Thought I'd avoid that at least a LITTLE bit by meeting somebody at church! Good grief.

Not sure why. Religions even start wars after all. Unfortunately there is no sure way to screen people out from the start.

[atlg8r]

So removing him from all social media & stuff was the best course of action right? ONE of my male friends said I shouldn't have done that because it looks like I'm "pouting."

[Emilia]

ONE of my male friends said I shouldn't have done that because it looks like I'm "pouting."

it's the most retarded thing to say. Don't you agree? Who the hell thinks this way? Are people so neurotic that they analyse every single action they take?

[Treasa]

So removing him from all social media & stuff was the best course of action right? ONE of my male friends said I shouldn't have done that because it looks like I'm "pouting."

 

No, it looks like you're not going to put up with his bull**** and that you're strong.

 

You did fine.

 

Up until I got to the "Nope, it's over" post, I was going to tell you to tell him to contact you if he ever gets his **** together, and not a moment before, and then break all forms of communication.

[atlg8r]

Thanks. It definitely hurts. He has a lot of the most significant qualities I'd want in a man....but, if he doesn't want to be with me, none of it really matters. I will definitely miss talking to him.

[Treasa]

Thanks. It definitely hurts. He has a lot of the most significant qualities I'd want in a man....but, if he doesn't want to be with me, none of it really matters. I will definitely miss talking to him.

 

Unfortunately when it comes to people, you can't extract the flaws. You have to find someone who has flaws that you can live with.

 

This guy is too messed up and wishy washy. Don't feel so bad. It is NOT a reflection on YOU.

[atlg8r]

I know. He's the one losing out in the end. Buuuut, the times that we actually were physically together hanging out were great, and I don't mean the times where we were making out or whatever. That was nice, too, but just talking to him was good. It's just so hard to imagine what could have happened that would change that. And I miss his texts & stuff during the day.

[Treasa]

I know. He's the one losing out in the end. Buuuut, the times that we actually were physically together hanging out were great, and I don't mean the times where we were making out or whatever. That was nice, too, but just talking to him was good. It's just so hard to imagine what could have happened that would change that. And I miss his texts & stuff during the day.

 

Do you have a lot of friends/hobbies? Are you really happy and confident with yourself? I suspect not to one or both of these, otherwise I don't think this would be troubling you as much.

 

Just a hunch, though.

[atlg8r]

Do you have a lot of friends/hobbies? Are you really happy and confident with yourself? I suspect not to one or both of these, otherwise I don't think this would be troubling you as much.

 

Just a hunch, though.

 

I have friends....not as many hobbies. It's really the work days that get me. I work at a desk, and even though I'm busy, it doesn't really occupy my mind as much as it should. And I've gotten used to, over the past six weeks, him texting me throughout the day. So it's the work day where it bothers me.

[dasein]

it's the most retarded thing to say. Don't you agree? Who the hell thinks this way? Are people so neurotic that they analyse every single action they take?

 

Irony. Yes, that's exactly what this thread is doing, so if this guy is doing it, or people will when she removes from FB, that's par for the course. I think it was a bit much to remove from FB. There was never a gelled dating relationship, just a couple of dates, no sex. But no harm no foul and if OP honestly felt she needed to do that, then fine, but yes it could appear pouty or manipulative at this stage.

 

Upon reading the whole thread, it appears OP and the guy are involved in a typical, harmless "slap and tickle" scenario people often engage in. There is no reason for OP to feel "driven crazy" by this, as a couple of weeks and dates is not time for such emotional involvement or reactions. The guy in question is basically acting like lots of people, -particularly women-, do in early dating, sending mixed signals, etc.

 

No reason to paint the guy with a "user" brush, or immature little boy, OP has no big fault either. If OP is really confused by all this, just withdraw all contact unless and until a proper date invitation ensues, not "come over and hang out," and then go from there if and when it does.