Hes turned abusive

[ntvan07]

I have been with my boyfriend for about 6 months. I'm 23, he is 31. We have lived together since March, it worked out better for me, as I have been on my own since I was 17, and it wasn't worth paying for an apartment when I'm always here. I come from an abusive upbringing, and I don't really communicate with my family. My boyfriends mother has kind of taken me under her wing, and has been like a true mom to me- he has such a wonderful family. There are a couple things I have noticed in this relationship, and then it will lead to the most recent issue, that really has been like a kick to the stomach.

 

There were always jealousy issues from him, god forbid there was a guy on facebook or on my instagram that liked ANY picture, it could be of the Boston Bruins for gods sake... and then the constant comments about this "past" that I supposidely had. I've dated a couple people, but there is no "past." I was never the partying type, always held a full-time job, and I always was on my own. We could be driving together down the road, and my ex would drive by, he drives a tow truck for a company out here (granted this is a SMALL town lol), and my current boyfriend would make a big thing of him driving down the road, even when I wasn't paying attention to him at all.

 

When I moved in here, I naturally took on the role of cleaning the house, and there was so much stuff just cluttered everywhere. As I started unpacking, and organizing stuff, I came across all of his exwifes stuff. They have been divorced since 2011, and they have a 4 yr old together (he comes here when my boyfriend isn't working- we get along VERY well... he is VERY attached to me ) You name it, it was here- wedding photos, pictures from their honeymoon, her old insurance cards, cards she had given him... It sort of threw me into a thought of... Why...? Why is all her junk still here? His mother and I talked about it a little, and she said that when his exwife left, she took stuff that wasn't hers, and they had to go get it back from her. I just left the situation alone, and thought of his exwife as a little bit crazy. As time went on, I found more and more things. I have even found HER family photos, and baby pictures of her other son (she got pregnant in college or something) laying around the house. It was a slap in the face to some extent that I had to find all of this stuff, but then again, I'm a girl, and I would have cleaned the house completely if I had gotten divorced. This woman has been nothing but rude to me, and I have only had to really encounter her once. I don't understand her problem. I don't act like the childs mother- I know my place.

 

 

My current boyfriend stopped drinking last year, he was an alcoholic, it will make 1 yr of not having a drink on 6/17. He was active in the fire department, and he stepped down from his chief position, only to regain a captains position this past January when we started seeing one another. For the longest time, he wouldn't go on any calls... all of a sudden, he does. He was taking Lexapro from the time he stopped drinking, up until March (he just took himself off of it-cold turkey) when I moved in here. I believe its his mother that has said he is bipolar. I've experienced the mood swings, and we've had some crazy fights. Last week we got in an argument and he made some threats towards me- he would snap my phone in half, he would beat me up... and it hasn't been the same since.

 

He keeps going back to an incident we had a month ago. We both decided to delete our facebooks, but when he realized I had an Instagram, he went on there and tried to add me. I frequently take people off of there, and add people from time to time. He made a screenshot of how many friends I had, and even went as far as counting the guys I had. Before I added him, I went through to see if there was anything that would upset him. I figured it wasn't worth dealing with him if there was something that would upset him. I don't use instagram for anything personal, mostly sports pictures or catchy quotes... But he noticed that I had deleted people, and it set him off. I stupidly tried to cover up for myself, but eventually I just told him the truth, I deleted some people, and that's really not anything out of the norm for me. To this day, he still puts in my face that I'm a "liar" and he doesn't trust me. Since the incident last week, he uses this instagram incident as a reason to why he doesn't know if he wants this anymore, he told me that he was raised to never forgive a "liar" and that he doesn't know what he wants now. Anyone who has ever lied to him in the past, he just cuts out of his life. When I ask him why it has to be like this, he says, well you should have thought about it before you "lied" to me.

 

I feel like this is completely unfair to some extent. He has always taken my past, or his jealousy issues, and used them against me. I don't care for his exwife, and we have had issues about her, but I love his son like he is my own. We have this little family and we all have a great time. I asked him if I should leave, I just don't think I should stay here, if he is too busy deciding what he really wants, and he tells me no. He tells me I don't have a place to go and he wouldn't just throw me out. I got up last night and grabbed a couple things and fully planned on just leaving for a little while. He followed me to the door and he told me he would follow me, that he had to make sure I was safe... that I wouldn't be out on the street alone, because I don't deserve that. I got wicked emotional, and he stayed up and talked to me and just let me know he is here for me, hes not going to hurt me.

 

Everybody else in my life has just thrown me out, and I just find my way on my feet. I feel weird that he would allow me to stay in this house, we still sleep next to one another and everything. I don't know where his head is. We have good nights, and then we have nights where I feel so broken down, all I do is cry. We'll watch hockey together, and talk on and off. I'm not sure what the deal is.

 

I feel ashamed for saying this, but I think this is something that is worth working on. I didn't cheat, I have never done anything to hurt him intentionally. I just am starting to feel depressed, as he has pulled away, the I love you's have stopped, he doesn't treat me like before... its killing my self confidence. Am I completely off base with this? Please let me know. Obviously the honeymoon phase disappears, but I don't think this is something that completely ruins a relationship. Its not like I'm hiding the mistake I made. I fully own up to it. I feel like he just wants something to be pissed off about. We have both talked about how close we are, and he says he misses the old us. So why is he still holding this over my head? I get the evil eye when I bring up anything about the junk that was left around this house, or him having an attitude. Why can he be a ****, but yet I have to keep my mouth shut?

 

We just had an entire weekend of getting along fine, and Monday morning when I got up, I said I had to go to the library and then finish some paperwork for a new job, he got all mad, said I'm lazy and do nothing all day and I'm always home. I got laid off last week from my job, and I looked for a job immediately, I had contacted a couple different places and I'm supposed to do a PCA job starting next week. He claims its annoying how I'm always home and he is his own person. I understand that, but in the past he would question where I was or what I was doing. He would be pissed off and assume I never wanted to be home...

 

Another issue that has come up, he claims he and his son aren't as close anymore- in fact, he didn't even take me to his sons preschool graduation, he said that it wasn't a good idea, considering his sons mother doesn't like me, and it would take away from his sons night. When we had his son this past weekend, he asked me why I wasn't there and how much he loved me. I spent all weekend with him while my boyfriend mowed the lawn, then he went to play baseball and left the two of us home almost all day Sunday. His son wouldn't even let him give him a bath, he said he wanted me to do it, he was attached to my side. I feel bad, but I don't see how them being close is my fault??? I live here, I can't just ignore the child...

 

He's stopped going to the gym, that used to be his life. I, on the other hand, have started counseling and I started an anti-depressant last week to help me with some lingering depression. I'm worried about him... he isn't acting the same- but I feel like if he really didn't want to work on this, or he didn't really want me here, my stuff would be on the lawn. I have been going out and leaving the house to do stuff and give him space. Maybe living together is finally starting to be a regular routine and the honeymoon is over. I'm not sure.

 

Please help ... I feel lost!

 

I want to add this- I have continued cleaning the house and doing whatever, and then he will say, stop doing things in the house, just stop. But if I were to stop, he would complain I'm lazy and that I don't do anything. I feel like either way I lose. I'm at a loss for words.

 

The other night, he went to work, and suddenly 3 hrs later, I get these rude text messages asking me if I had cleaned the litterbox, if I was going to pay him rent this month (which I always do, lol) and how I think this house is a playground... The entire time I was cleaning and tidying up the house, lol!!! Then, he comes home in the morning from work, climbs into bed and starts cuddling me, like he wants to be around me. He tells me he was just pissed off.

 

Last night, he went to bed, and I stayed out here so I could finish reading my Elvis book, he got up 3 different times and went to the fridge, and finally I came to bed... and he starts talking to me about everything under the sun. We ended up sleeping together, then at 1 am, he tells me its so hot and muggy in our room that he can't sleep and he wants me to go on the couch... Like WTF is all this up and down ****... Seriously??? LOL. His son was here yesterday, and he wanted to be around me all day, so of course the boyfriend was pissed. I still don't see how that's my fault.

[NJtoDC]

This is ridiculous. Reread what you have written. What redeeming quality does that man have? What does he have to offer you that can possibly counterbalance the physical abuse? What makes you think he won't beat you again?

 

I know nothing about you but I can tell you this: you deserve better. How do I know? No one deserves the treatment you are receiving. Please get out.

[shexy]

I dont know what to even say - I think it's sad you want to stay with this guy because you dont think you deserve better. He sounds like a controlling, jealous creep who will beat you and threaten you until you're too scared to leave him.

 

Why would you put up with that?

[Yookie]

Maybe he needs to get back on the meds?

 

You need to get out of this situation as soon as you can. This will not get better and there is nothing you can do to make him normal again.

[ntvan07]

We had a talk on Monday, and I thought at the end of the talk, we had come to agreement on a lot of issues. His grandfather passed away Sunday, and I had to give him the sad news... I felt bad.

 

I'm going back to school in September to be a CNA. It's an accelerated, month long course. I'm excited!!!

 

In the meantime, we have his son all week. He has these jealousy issues apparently, because his son wants to do everything with me. The way I see it, if its such a big deal, why does he run off every weekend to play baseball, or sit around and watch tv, while his son and I go outside to play in the sandbox.... but anyways, his son came inside yesterday around dinner time and told me he was hungry, so I gave him some wheat thins. He asked for more, and then eventually said, I'M STARVING, lol. So I made some tater tots and popcorn chicken, I made sure I ate enough for all of us, that's what I would always do. The boyfriend comes in giving me an attitude and shaking his head, saying I messed up because he wanted to take his son out to eat. I had no idea, and its not like he said anything. I was so pissed, I made sure I stayed away, and I went back into our room and laid down. I told him that if he wanted to treat me like this, that I would go live in my car...

 

We didn't talk until this morning. I confronted him and told him how disrespectful he is... and he said that I always try to be a mom to his kid. I don't understand what his problem is, I can't help the fact that a 5 yr old is attached to my hip, and that he doesn't want to do everything with his father. It's so annoying to get blamed for things, but yet he does nothing to change it for himself.

 

The morning got worse, his son was sitting and coloring, and I walk by the fridge to see one of our pics missing, so obviously I ask him where it is, he says I threw it out, it was in the way of putting up my grandfathers funeral announcement. Once again, I was so pissed... so I said, whatever, you think you can treat me like this all the time and its stupid. He then was like, stop doing this in front of the kid... and then looks at his son and says, oh don't worry buddy its okay... so I said, oh, okay, so this week you think your going to act like father of the year, but any other time, you don't give a ****. Obviously he got pissed. All he has been doing so far this week is be fake to his son... buys him a pool, a trampoline... he is ridiculous, always pretending to pay attention to his son, but yet he is really cutting wood in the backyard, or watching tv. It's sorta funny to me.

 

Another issue, his exwife has a kid she had in college. Obviously when they got married, the kid was 2 or 3... and my boyfriend is being a dummy, saying how I don't like the kid or whatever... but yet hes never been to our house, and I haven't ever really met him lol. But my boyfriend claims he is still his "daddy" and the kid misses him and wants to spend time with him, and I come between them. Once again, the kid has a father that takes him every weekend, and that kid has never once been here lol, so how could I come between them?

 

I understand his grandfather just died, but seriously, I feel more and more everyday that he is crazy. Am I wrong in any of this? Wasn't I doing the right thing to just make him food? We have been together for a while now, its been like 6 or 7 months, I didn't just meet his son. Feels like he is just looking for someone to blame!

[white]

His behaviour makes me think he's on drugs. This is scary to read. You could have so much more stable a life with someone so much more dependable. I'm not going to suggest leaving him, but you should definitely change your attitude about the whole thing from one of gratitude for him "being there" in your life to one of watching for why he deserves you in his and what he does to earn that privilege. You may well find after a while that you have little to show for that, and then perhaps deal with some hard questions.

[ntvan07]

I had posted about my boyfriend a couple weeks ago... It hasn't been a good last month... He threatens and says some crazy crap to me. He loses his temper so quick. Was taking meds, now hasn't since March, that's when things started getting out of hand. Apparently is bipolar, but he denies it. Very controlling... Uses any little thing he can to gain an upper hand

 

He has gotten worse and worse. He keeps acting like everything is my fault. My counselor that I see for depression has expressed to me that he is only escalating, he threw my stuff down the hallway the other night. We had a blowout last night, and I left, and when I came back, he talked to me like a human being. He was normal, and Then this morning we were talking and he told me he wants to blow his brains out, and that this is all my fault. He also is concerned that people think he is abusing me... and he started crying and crying. I don't know how to make him realize he needs help. His grandfather passed away last week, so I'm sure he is feeling super low. I'm going to end up moving out, and I hope maybe it helps. But I'm so worried about him. He goes back and forth, back and forth.

 

The other night, he woke up at 3 am and told me I'm worthless, I'm an embarrassment to my family and that's why they don't talk to me (I come from an abusive childhood, I keep them at a distance), and that i'm a huge douchebag. When it gets brought up now, he shrugs all of it off.

 

I'm going to school in September to be a CNA, I'm so excited... but he isn't pleased because I'm not working. I'm still contributing and paying what he asked of me, like always. I'm also looking for per diem work. I'm trying my hardest. I just feel like I never win.

 

I worry about his little boy as well. He claims he and his son aren't as close, and he blames me. He takes off when he has his son and goes and plays baseball, and I'm always the one watching him. He always wants me to do everything, and not his daddy. I feel bad, but seriously, am I supposed to not pay attention to his kid?

 

Oh, I want to add, there are guns in the house, and there was always one on top of the gun cabinet. Noticed today its missing, and he won't tell me where it is. Says its "put away..." Like I need more of this on my mind

[CarrieT]

Oh, I want to add, there are guns in the house, and there was always one on top of the gun cabinet. Noticed today its missing, and he won't tell me where it is. Says its "put away..." Like I need more of this on my mind

 

OMYGOD, please get out. Now.

 

And report any suspicious behavior to Child Protective Services.

 

 

P.L.E.A.S.E.

[ntvan07]

I'm thinking that I should call my counselor and ask her what to do when it comes to his kid. That kid is attached to me, and his father is obviously a nutcase. I feel like I at least owe it to that kid to make sure he is safe... I would worry endlessly if I didn't.

 

Part of the reason the boyfriend was crying was because he doesn't want people to think badly of him, hes pretty far up there in the fire department. I'm not trying to ruin his life. If anything, I want him to get help... and he's not going to listen... so I guess my hands are tied and I just need to plan to get out of here. It sucks, when things were good, they were so good, then he stopped taking his meds and this is where we are. He is divorced, I wonder if he did this to his ex.

[M30USA]

OMYGOD, please get out. Now.

 

And report any suspicious behavior to Child Protective Services.

 

 

P.L.E.A.S.E.

 

So you believe CPS should be called if a father has guns in his house and/or goes to play a game of baseball?

[CarrieT]

So you believe CPS should be called if a father has guns in his house and/or goes to play a game of baseball?

I did not say that and you know it.

 

There is nothing wrong in notifying CPS that a man who has a child is threatening suicide and hiding weapons when there is a cabinet where they are normally stored.

 

Do NOT put words in my mouth. :mad:

[almond]

Sounds like he could be in a mixed episode triggered by the passing of his grandfather. Suicide is a real risk here.

 

He needs to see a psychiatrist ASAP, and get meds to stabilize him. He may need to be admitted also - he sounds quite unwell. Look into Baker acting him straight away.

 

Get out of there, and do not return until he has been compliant with treatment and stable for some time.

 

Speak to his family about his son if possible - avoid CPS if you can. If you feel that he is dangerous however, CPS may be the only option...last resort though.

[jennaflorrie]

Sounds like my life years and years ago and it didn't get better.

 

There was always some excuse, always some problem....I felt sorry for him and the UPS were good and the DOWNS were bad. There is no getting off this merry go round, roller coaster ride unless you STOP it.

 

So, go and move out and live your own life, you can talk to him as a friend, but don't let it go any further than that.

 

I know.....believe me.

[ntvan07]

I barely slept last night. Tons of anxiety... Anyways I was out cold this morning and all of a sudden I hear- HEY... And I jumped so quick, even my cat took off running. He asked me if I was leaving for the day or what... And as he walked away I started crying, he had scared me so bad. So much anxiety built up. I have a test for school tomorrow and a job interview. I don't want to mess that up.

[ntvan07]

The girl he dated before me, was a lot like me. We knew each other, played on some travel teams together. She called me, she told me he did the same thing to her, that I wasn't alone... It felt good to have someone tell me that this isn't my fault... but she also let me know a lot of things he apparently has tried to hide, or lied about. It sort of makes me even sadder, to think I care about someone that is so sick, and someone that would want to blow their brains out. I feel like a fool for feeling bad. I just want to cry. His ex did let me in on a lot of things I didn't know... like how manipulative he is, and the stuff he did to her, which is pretty much what hes doing to me. He tried to take everything from her... and he has taken so much from me. I feel lost.

[justified]

And if your not after the ex told you what he did to her. Then you can only blame yourself. I have been in many relationships much worse. And I never left I made every excuse in the book to stay. And I was sick to believe I deserved such treatment. I never learned my lesson until I was 48 years old. I don't blame my abuser because once you stay and except the abuse you are saying its okay to treat me this way and it just gets crazy. The first time he abuses you your a VICTIM the second time You're a VOLUNTEER. It is your responsibility to do whats best for you throughout your life. Nobody can do anything to you if you don't allow them to. As a grown women you have to stand your ground and set boundaries. Of what is acceptable and what isn't.

I wish you the best.

[Downtown]

Apparently is bipolar, but he denies it.

NtVan, perhaps you are correct about him being bipolar. But that is not what you are describing. Rather, you are describing many of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Indeed, even if he does suffer from bipolar disorder, a recent study (pub. 2008) found that half of bipolar sufferers also have full-blown BPD.

 

I therefore suggest you read my description of 12 differences between traits of BPD and those of bipolar disorder to see which sound most familiar. It is located in my post at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/380507-calling-all-those-bpd-14.html#post4754080. If the BPD traits ring a bell, I suggest you read my more detailed description of them in my post at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. Take care, NtVan.

[ntvan07]

Well shortly after I started this thread, I moved out. I got my own place. We got better. We have been discussing marriage, I'm off my birth control, we are actively trying to have a child. Planning an April wedding, picked out a ring. Then we discussed moving back in together, and it seemed to be set. I needed help with a car in February, he cosigned. He has helped me numerous times, and has become my rock in a VERY tough family situation that constantly goes on in my life. He has completely turned himself around and is wonderful. The only odd thing I ever see, he barely ever takes his son anymore. He works a lot, but he still never takes him. His son is going to be 7 next week, but he is usually wanting to be with his mother at this time, as his other brother is home and they are attached at the hip.

 

 

This past weekend we had a serious talk, he and I agree, we both didn't want things to happen like they did before. We have grown and gotten past it. Sunday evening he got out of work, and he usually says oh hey I'm home or lets me know he is okay... and he didn't say anything. So I got nervous after a couple hours and I went over to the house, everything was locked up, even the truck, so I couldn't use a garage door opener to get in. I saw a window open and said loudly, let me in, I'm worried about you, I will call the police. It was so OUT of character for him to not even text me...

 

 

The next thing I know, he opens the garage door and one of our mutual friends pulls up... my boyfriend starts getting belligerent, telling me to get my stuff out of the house, because that's all I complain about (not even sure wtf he even means at this point...) and he kept going and going. Wouldn't look at me or anything. Our friend was like, he's really upset, just grab your stuff and let him calm down. I had to text someone and have them call the police, the way he was acting was starting to really scare me. They came, and I explained to them we had a past, even though everything has been fine, I just was REALLY worried. They let me get most of my stuff and I left.

 

 

Boyfriend won't talk to me now. Silent treatment since Sunday evening when this all happened. I'm a wreck. I feel horrible for having the police come, but I didn't want anything to happen, to either of us. We have come so far. Any suggestions on what to do... I have gotten to know him a lot better since the original post, and he is nothing like this.

 

 

Funny story, but they changed his meds AGAIN. They have him on WELLBUTRIN to help him quit smoking. Could this cause the anxiety and the anger issues that he was experiencing sunday, and all week prior to sunday? What am I supposed to do with myself... I feel horrible. I just want us to be able to talk. Do I just give him space?

[ntvan07]

In the last week or so, when I express some of my fears with what happened before... he will say oh you must have been imagining it or he will act like it never happened. I remember events very well. I described some in my posts from when this all began. My memory isn't bad. I'm like wth is going on with him?

[ntvan07]

In the last week or so, when I express some of my fears with what happened before... he will say oh you must have been imagining it or he will act like it never happened. I remember events very well. I described some in my posts from when this all began. My memory isn't bad. I'm like wth is going on with him?

[Gaeta]

In 5 years you will be posting about it, in 10 years you will still be posting about it. Then you will find yourself at 45 having wasted your youth and best years on this lock you call a boyfriend. Once you are married to him and living under the same roof he will turn into a devil. You have seen nothing yet of what he is capable. Please get back on the pill and get him out of your life.

[BlueIris]

Break up with him permanently and don't go back.

In 5, 10 or 20 years, do you want to be dealing with a person who acts like he does? Are you telling yourself he'll change? Because if you are, that is a VERY dangerous gamble to be taking. With low odds. Very low odds.

[TaraMaiden2]

Jeeesus hun.

Get straight back onto birth control.

Do NOT - repeat N-O-T even think of marrying this man.

Learn from the past. Mistakes are always repeated, and this guy to be honest, is a total whack-job.

 

Do not for all that is sacred and divine, ever, ever have a child with him.

Please.

he's an unfit father to his son.

You have to quit this relationship, quit it for good, and never go back.

Ever.

 

Ev-er.

[Gaeta]

We have come so far.

 

You have come nowhere. You are a victim of abuse. You have lost all sense of self-esteem and common sense. End this.

[ntvan07]

Break up with him permanently and don't go back.

In 5, 10 or 20 years, do you want to be dealing with a person who acts like he does? Are you telling yourself he'll change? Because if you are, that is a VERY dangerous gamble to be taking. With low odds. Very low odds.

 

What is the deal with the silent treatment? Is that just how he crumbles me to pieces? I have never given someone the silent treatment ever. It's brutal!