mistichael Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 I'm confused and need some help. I've been dating this guy for 3 months, I've known him for 2 1/2 yrs. He was seeing someone else then, came looking for me earlier this yr. There is a 15yr age gap, which doesn't bother me. I've met some of his friends & what is left of his family. I'm holding off on introducing him to everyone I know, not that I'm embarassed I'm having a hard time understanding his reactions, I don't know where this is going. (examples to follow).Our kids met last weekend and got along. He calls me every night unless we are online. His wife passed away about 3 yrs ago. I see him every other weekend,he has no problem being intimate, cuddling,etc when no one is around. We don't hold hands or anything out in public, either. We have to sneak the intimacy part if his child is around mostly when she's sleeping. She's 16 she already made a comment about us sleeping together, which he totally denied. i was there, one weekend in his room watching tv, just realizing she was awake so I went to get up to leave because he thinks it would upset her if she found me in his room either sleeping or watching tv. He kept grabbing on to me so I couldn't leave. I finally said (I don't know if it was the right thing to do) you don't want her to catch me in here so I have to leave,I left. He takes care of me when I'm up @ his place, the most I may do is clean his house if I get bored. If I say I can't make it up for whatever reason he asks me to try. He asks where I want to eat, what I want to do if I try to pay for anything he gets this look on his face like I can't believe she's doing that. He's planning on building a house and said to a friend w/ me there that it is difficult to live together when you have kids. He also said that his kid told him that she didn't want another situation w/the girlfriend like the last one. I'll make quick comments on how cute he is and such and he says yeah right. I'm holding back telling him that I really care about him and I'm afraid to use the L word and catch myself. I don't want to fall flat on my face. What do I do now? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted October 23, 2004 Share Posted October 23, 2004 I don't think this is a situation so much of what can you do and more of a situation of what is HE WILLING to do?! While I can understand that he wants to keep a good relationship with his kids... his daughter is 16 years old! She is old enough to handle the fact that Dad is still a person who deserves to have someone who cares about him in his life. He is an adult and there is nothing wrong with him having a girlfriend. His kids are almost grown.. IMHO it isn't disrespectful for him to have a life. You mentioned something about his daughter not wanting the same situation as his last girlfriend? Whats that about? I don't know.. I guess I feel this way.. I am a single Mom of two little little people LOL looonnggg ways from teenage or even pre teen.. when I started dating again after my divorce I didn't introduce anyone to my kiddos that I felt wasn't going to be around... know what I'm saying? When I met my boyfriend after we had been dating for awhile (btw he is a single dad of 2) I told him I wanted to introduce him to my wee peeps but I wanted him to be sure it is what he wanted.... I told both of my little people about him before I introduced him.. told them that I had met someone I really liked a lot. Both of my kids love him.. but it takes time for the relationship between someone (who isn't thier parent) and them to develop. We have never been disrespectful with how my kids or his may have felt.. but they all know that Moms and Dads deserve to have someone awesome in thier lives to share... So I guess my point is... Is your bf willing to talk to his kids so that they understand that yes he is thier Dad.. but he is also a human being who deserves a life... Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author mistichael Posted October 23, 2004 Author Share Posted October 23, 2004 His princess actually can have a conversation w/ me, now. He hung out w/ me and the kids for weeks and me w/ his before an introduction between all three kids. The last girlfriend he had after his wife passed ended up moving in and replacing all the wifes' stuff with her own and when he kicked her out she took some of the wifes' things along with own. So I heard. There could be more to it I don't know. I don't want to seem like I'm prying. He did tell me that his daughter and the ex didn't get along. I did however, ask her if she minded me seeing her father and she said no I was better than the other one. By the daughters' point the last one was way over weight. I don't know why that would have anything to do w/it. When we go out as a group the outing is directed towards what the kid(s)want to do. Before I do any thing,cleaning, cooking I double check to make sure he doesn't mind ( not that he's a slob he's not). If he asks me what I want to do if it isn't already planned I just say I don't care. He calls me and tells me that friends of his want to come over durning the weekend for a cookout,etc and I'm thinking it's your house why are you calling me? If the phone rings he and I don't anwser it, he asks why? I simply say it's not my house. Am I missing something? Thanks for the input. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted October 23, 2004 Share Posted October 23, 2004 It takes time with teenagers but it sounds like you have a good start with his daughter. My observation of her comment about his last girlfriend being overweight - the daughter may have been embarrassed, kids that age care so much about what others think of them, their families, etc. Even though it is his house and he should be able to invite his friends himself, I think it is wonderful that he asks you as well - very considerate, shows he cares about you. It's only been three months, I think you are right to take it slow but I would participate more if I were you. You said that you tell him you don't care when he asks you what you want to do - are you afraid of suggesting something for fear he won't like it? He should get to know the real you, not the you that tiptoes around doing whatever he wants to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mistichael Posted October 24, 2004 Author Share Posted October 24, 2004 Thank You for your reply, Brashgal. No not really scared about what he'll think. I'm always been the easy going, passive, etc person. I not the type to say I want, need, have to have. I'm the type where everyone else is more important than myself. Although, hanging out w/ him I've begun to be a little more vocal. Like when family that never has anything to do w/ me or my kids calls out of the blue wanting to know all about him. Won't participating more scare him into thinking I'm trying to move in and take over? I've been telling him what think, helping him to try to understand his daughter and vice versa. I normally get up real early in the am, but one day I didn't he woke me up when he called and asked how the evenings sleep was... I told him not well. He asked why we you think of me and after a few seconds I admitted that was the reason. I was hesitant because I didn't want to scare him away. I'm trying to take as slow as possible, by only seeing him every other weekend. It's the time inbetween that's killing me, always thinking of him, the sleepless nights. And I don't want to say anything due to the fact that's only been 3 months and I don't want him to think I'm rushing him into something he may or may not want. I try giving a suggestion for an outing, unless he already has something planned. Thank You for the input. Link to post Share on other sites
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