BF has an admirer

[nescafe1982]

Okay, so this is one of those ongoing issues that just irks me so I need some input.

 

My BF and I are long-distance. He has a female friend where he is that he's known since college (nearly 10 years) and she is a train-wreck. I haven't met her but everything I heard about her makes me nervous: that she overshares about her sex life, that she dates a lot, that she asks for money, that she has lots of drama surrounding roommates, etc.

 

That, and that she has made a couple of passes at my BF in the last year or so.

 

So BF is less-than-forthcoming about her because I have a history (last BF cheated and frankly I have a lot of issues with infidelity/jealousy), but he has told me that this girl has in turns a) told him he's cute, b) told him if he was single she's go for him, c) discussed her sex life with him in detail, and d) tried (unsuccessfully) to inquire into my relationship with him as the "confidante."

 

He has shut these convos down and, after I told him I was uncomfortable with the situation, he has limited how much time he spends with her. But at the end of the day, she's still in his circle of friends, she still emails/calls/texts, and I'm still very uncomfortable. He sense this discomfort, and in response has gotten sort of cagey about the subject: I don't inquire about her really, but I can tell when he's pointedly omitting that when he was out to dinner with friends, that she was there.

 

I think my being so far away makes it a lot more difficult not to feel jealous too; she's right there in his town and I'm across the country.

 

How can I deal with my jealousy? I need some strategies so as not to make things worse than they already are.

[D-Lish]

How do you know that this girl has made more than a few plays for your bf?

 

I only ask because I once dated someone that felt it necessary to tell me every time he got hit on in my absence. His excuse for telling me was to have full disclosure in order to foster trust. IMO telling me about being hit on constantly was creating unnecessary drama, like he wanted to incite jealousy.

 

I question the motives of people that feel the need to tell their partner that someone else is interested in them - unless it's truly warranted to point it out.

Edited July 12, 2013 by D-Lish

[nescafe1982]

How do you know that this girl has made more than a few plays for your bf?

 

Before BF and I went long-distance, she would call him. A lot. And he never picked up. But it happened frequently enough to make me wonder what's up. She would also call at night, which bothered me. Again, he would never pick up while I was there. I don't know which of those two aspects bothered me especially, but eventually I asked about it.

 

He responded that "oh she's just a friend." I prodded and he admitted, "Okay, she's a friend that has a crush." He then told me that, some weeks before that, she'd come to Boston (where we both lived at the time, this was before we went Long-distance) while I was out of town for work, and she'd made a pass at him. He told me these things in the context of asking me what to do about her.

 

At the time, I figured a crush was no big deal: my BF and I were in Boston, she lived in California and called a bit too much. But some month later, he moved to the same city she lives in for work... and the calls became more frequent.

 

He does the same pattern even now: when she calls and I'm there with him, he doesn't pick up. BUT the issue surfaced again a couple months back when he accidentally picked up as he fumbled with his phone in my presence. It was her, and she invited him to "go watch stars with her" that night. He declined, but he also didn't tell her he was with me. This raised red flags in my mind, and I asked him again what the deal was. It was during this second conversation about the girl that I found out that she had tried to pry into our relationship pretending to be the "confidante" and all the other stuff (tells him about her sex life, tells him she would be with him, etc). This, he explained, was why he feels like he can't tell her about me, nor me about her.

 

I trust him. He's no cheater, but he's also not the most socially adept person in the world and he has a hard time establishing boundaries. I have been dealing with low-grade jealousy ever since... sort of a "why the hell are you treating us (two women) as equals? I'm your GF. She's a friend, and one that is acting inappropriately at that."

 

But overall I leave it alone, because I do trust him. And in the real world, if it weren't this admirer there might be another. But at the same time, I don't know how to proceed while keeping my jealousy in check

[Eggplant]

If I were in a committed relationship and some man was constantly calling and hitting on me and making advances, I would do everything possible to reassure my boyfriend that he had nothing to worry about including telling the guy to f*ck off right then and there -- that he was out of line. It sucks that your boyfriend allows this crap and doesn't do right by you.

[D-Lish]

That puts things in perspective better- thanks for clarifying. Sounds like he's one of those guys that likes to "keep the peace". He's not a cheater, and her advances probably make him feel somewhat flattered, while at the same time- uncomfortable. The way he deals with it is to pretend the problem isn't as much an issue as it actually is- because it is affecting YOU- and that should be something he addresses.

 

I'd have a problem with this because he's keeping the peace at your expense. That's not okay.

 

It doesn't make him a bad guy, it just makes him one of those people that doesn't want to rock the boat- but again- it's at your expense- because you're the one whose feelings are supposed to matter most.

 

One thing in your favour is that you have a great grasp on your instincts, and you trust him. That counts for a lot.

 

As much as it is frustrating to have to deal with this woman- his worst crime is trying to keep the peace. He does need to lay down the law with her though- because he's sort of taking your trust in him for granted by not addressing her advances head on. It's like he's hoping the problem will go away without him having to put an effort into squashing it himself- which is what he should do.

[nescafe1982]

If I were in a committed relationship and some man was constantly calling and hitting on me and making advances, I would do everything possible to reassure my boyfriend that he had nothing to worry about including telling the guy to f*ck off right then and there -- that he was out of line. It sucks that your boyfriend allows this crap and doesn't do right by you.

 

This is essentially what I said after a slightly-heated conversation about this woman brought on by her "star gazing" invite. Since then, he's dialed it back with her: still sees her socially around other friends, still talks online (and probably on the phone), but I am nearly positive that they have not spent any time one-on-one since that conversation.

 

He tried to hard to be "fair" to everyone, honestly. I love that about him, but sometimes I do feel like he does it at my expense. But on the other hand, he has modified his behavior.

 

Sigh, if this was a dude hitting on me, I would simply end any interaction I have with that dude, regardless of friends in common. But that's my style.

[nescafe1982]

As much as it is frustrating to have to deal with this woman- his worst crime is trying to keep the peace. He does need to lay down the law with her though- because he's sort of taking your trust in him for granted by not addressing her advances head on. It's like he's hoping the problem will go away without him having to put an effort into squashing it himself- which is what he should do.

 

He is ABSOLUTELY a peace-keeper. Yes! This is a broader pattern with him (he's also a mama's boy). But any ideas on what I can do to ensure this doesn't keep happening at my expense? I mean, without looking like the possessive, whip-cracking girlfriend? Is this a "pick you battles" moment or an "assert yourself" moment? Ideally, he would be pro-active, find the boundaries, and set them himself. But his desire to keep the peace often outweighs his willingness of piss people off to do right.

 

I also wonder how this whole thing will evolve once I move out there in October. We're going to move in together, and I venture that at that point she will disappear from his world entirely.

[Space Ritual]

Okay, so this is one of those ongoing issues that just irks me so I need some input.

 

My BF and I are long-distance. He has a female friend where he is that he's known since college (nearly 10 years) and she is a train-wreck. I haven't met her but everything I heard about her makes me nervous: that she overshares about her sex life, that she dates a lot, that she asks for money, that she has lots of drama surrounding roommates, etc.

 

That, and that she has made a couple of passes at my BF in the last year or so.

 

So BF is less-than-forthcoming about her because I have a history (last BF cheated and frankly I have a lot of issues with infidelity/jealousy), but he has told me that this girl has in turns a) told him he's cute, b) told him if he was single she's go for him, c) discussed her sex life with him in detail, and d) tried (unsuccessfully) to inquire into my relationship with him as the "confidante."

 

He has shut these convos down and, after I told him I was uncomfortable with the situation, he has limited how much time he spends with her. But at the end of the day, she's still in his circle of friends, she still emails/calls/texts, and I'm still very uncomfortable. He sense this discomfort, and in response has gotten sort of cagey about the subject: I don't inquire about her really, but I can tell when he's pointedly omitting that when he was out to dinner with friends, that she was there.

 

I think my being so far away makes it a lot more difficult not to feel jealous too; she's right there in his town and I'm across the country.

 

How can I deal with my jealousy? I need some strategies so as not to make things worse than they already are.

 

Nescafe,

 

I have never been a proponent of the Long Distance Relationship as being in a successful one is far too rare, as they require a huge amount of trust and continuous work...work that to most people is far too daunting.

 

That being said I think your BF's actions speak volumes. You have voiced your displeasure at his friendship with this girl and although he has told you he has cooled it down she still remains in his circle of friends. You say he is being "Cagey"...and I would probably go a step further because if this girl is giving him all the signals she would like something to happen, most likely it will. LDR's usually fail because human's need for direct intimacy usually will win over any sense of commitment if there is a long stretch of the principals being apart . It's a very difficult situation for you and I am sure it must

be really upsetting.

 

However, rather than blow smoke up yer dress and tell you that its all gonna be alright and this will blow over I am afraid what I am going to say to you is probably not what you wanted to hear.

 

I really would reconsider this relationship. There are enough red flags here that would indicate to me that eventually the distance and her continued pursuit of your BF will cause him to cave in. And as far as he would be concerned since you are not around everyday you would be none the wiser.

For your sake I hope I am way off base and your BF fully realizes what he is risking and ends his friendship with her....I hate to say it but I have my doubts as to whether he will...and again since you are not physically there with him you can truly never know.

Not all LDRs are doomed to failure of course as I am sure there are people on LS that have been and continue to be in successful ones. However I do not see this one ending well given what you have written.

[nescafe1982]

I appreciate your input, Space Ritual... I like this sounding board precisely because lots of different opinions can come together.

 

Does you prognosis change a little if I tell you that BF and I are moving in together this October? We are actually apartment hunting right now. We've been LD for a year, but it's always been a temporary arrangement. anyway, I venture I posted that detail while you were writing your response... so I wonder if if changes things.

[D-Lish]

I'd love to tell you that guys like this change- but they don't. I married a guy just like your bf. He was a peace keeper and a mama's boy and I spent my entire relationship with him just waiting for him to stand up to his mom- to stand up to her on my behalf, and he never could- even though she was a bully to me (and to him). He was a peacekeeper, and it didn't work because I wanted him to take a stand, and he wasn't capable of doing that.

 

You'd wait until hell freezes over for a guy like this to change- but when it comes down to it, there are worse issues to deal with.

[Space Ritual]

I appreciate your input, Space Ritual... I like this sounding board precisely because lots of different opinions can come together.

 

Does you prognosis change a little if I tell you that BF and I are moving in together this October? We are actually apartment hunting right now. We've been LD for a year, but it's always been a temporary arrangement. anyway, I venture I posted that detail while you were writing your response... so I wonder if if changes things.

 

3 months is an eternity in an LDR so anything is possible. I just think that his actions thus far (as far as not dropping this friend when he is more than aware you are uncomfortable with it) are not really thiose of someone who is looking forward to living with you. Knowing now what you have said about moving in together makes me even more suspicious of this situation and only changes my advice in that I would probably make it pretty clear to him that his friendship with her cannot continue if he wants to move in with you.

 

 

Again like any advice anyone gives you, take what you think can help you and leave the rest.

[CC12]

He does the same pattern even now: when she calls and I'm there with him, he doesn't pick up.

 

This struck me because this is exactly what he does to you when you call/text/email while he's with his mother (I remember your other thread.) Have you noticed the similarity? What do you think about it?

 

I'm wondering if you're so committed to the idea of "I trust him!" that you're ignoring what could be red flags. With the whole mom thing, I didn't necessarily see any concrete reasons to suspect he was cheating on you, but this is different.

 

There's a reason this woman who has a crush on him felt comfortable calling him up at night and asking him to accompany her in a very romantic activity. He allows her to behave that way with him, for whatever reason. He hides her from you. And he hides you from her.

 

I'm not saying he's definitely cheating on you, but he is giving you enough reason to find this all very fishy. You wouldn't be out of line to be suspicious, yet you're here asking about how to deal with your jealousy, as if you're the problem or you're out of line somehow. You're not. You shouldn't have to adjust your feelings when he is the one participating in an inappropriate friendship. And he is participating if he just lets whatever happen and doesn't ever set boundaries.

 

It's just really worrisome that he keeps all these relationships in their own little separate compartments or something. He hides things. He's not 100% open, honest, and transparent with you (or anyone else, probably.) I think that's what would bother me the most - the lack of transparency. If I were to move in with a boyfriend, I would like to think that I know basically everything about him, and that people in his life know about my importance in it. There are at least two people that I can count who don't know how important your relationship is to him. Does this worry you?

[smile1983]

How do you know that this girl has made more than a few plays for your bf?

 

I only ask because I once dated someone that felt it necessary to tell me every time he got hit on in my absence. His excuse for telling me was to have full disclosure in order to foster trust. IMO telling me about being hit on constantly was creating unnecessary drama, like he wanted to incite jealousy.

 

I question the motives of people that feel the need to tell their partner that someone else is interested in them - unless it's truly warranted to point it out.

 

My ex did this. When he was upset at me or when I wasn't in the mood he would tell me about girls he could have if he wanted them. When a guy does this he's just being a jerk. Not that I think that's what OP's guy is doing.

[nescafe1982]

It's just really worrisome that he keeps all these relationships in their own little separate compartments or something. He hides things. He's not 100% open, honest, and transparent with you (or anyone else, probably.) I think that's what would bother me the most - the lack of transparency... Does this worry you?

 

Yes, this is a good way to put it. This is what he does. Frankly, it's not just these twin issues (yes, I'm the one with the mama's boy and I posted another thread about that issue a week or so ago).

 

I have had my issues with thinking he's up to something; I hesitated to say this before because it's embarrassing, but the week of that phone call where this woman invited him to "star-gaze," I went on recon for a couple days before confronting him. I read text messages, looked at phone logs, checked out his email. A LOT more contact with this person than I feel comfortable with, but no burning bushes or overt signs of affection that is anything but platonic. But for a moment there I was utterly convinced he was up to something.

[youngnlove89]

He's cagey because he can't please you. It's easier to not talk about it than potentially face you being upset. He has done his best to assure you that everything is ok. And if he loves you, she can admire all she wants, but he's committed to you.

 

At some point, you have to trust and let go. This girl's crush will eventually burn out. This is what being in a relationship is all about. You can't control him, so you need to trust him.

 

This helped me.

 

OP, I understand what you are feeling because I'm in the same shoes as you. Minus the long distance, which I could only imagine makes you more insecure. My boyfriend talks to women, two who he had sex with. It makes me very uncomfortable and I told him this. But he reassured me that it's purely platonic and he would never have feelings for them again. He loves me.

 

At this point, I just have to trust him. He knows how I feel and now it's up to him to handle it.

 

Don't let this ruin your relationship. Just trust him. Keep yours open, always. But if you become that nagging untrusting girlfriend, he is going to get tired of it. Be secure. Be confident. Have your own life. Men like confident, strong-willed, secure women.

[nescafe1982]

Update: whether smart to do so or not, I asked about how this issue was going this morning.

 

Turns out she's broken up with her boyfriend and since them she's been calling him more frequently. Including one middle-of-the-night call asking him to drive her to the ER for some ongoing medical issue. He hid these things from me "to protect me," he says. I told him that instead of "protecting me" through omissions and/or lies, I would prefer he trusted me to process this complicated friendship he is having.

 

To be certain: I'm not saying he was wrong for taking her to the hospital, but it does make me uncomfortable that *he's* the one she calls, given that as he says "we don't hang out all that often, and she's the one who initiates it usually."

 

Our talk went... okay, I think. The guy is VERY conflict-avoidant generally, and I'm hoping that it is becoming clear to him that avoiding conflicts through lies/half-truths is not a healthy pattern to have.

 

He always tells the truth when I approach him about issues, but I hate that I have to be the one to instigate honest communication... I feel like a cop and like I'm "busting" him. It sucks.

[salparadise]

He always tells the truth when I approach him about issues, but I hate that I have to be the one to instigate honest communication...

 

I can't believe people advise you to break up with him over this nonsense. I don't mean that your feelings are nonsense, but that you've got an honest guy who's doing his best, albeit a little conflict-avoidant, and they tell you, eh just kick him to the curb. Sheesch!

 

I think you should just have an open conversation about it. Say, you know that I was pretty uncomfortable with her trying to undermine our relationship even when she was with the bf, but now that he's gone and she's desperate and turning up the drama even more... so, what do you intend to do about it?

 

Then notion that there are any perfect people is ludicrous, so if you've got yourself a keeper and you love him pay no attention to the "kick him to the curb" bunch. And secondly, the notion that you can have yourself an amazing, desirable guy who is completely invisible to the cunning members of the opposite sex is just as ludicrous. This is a guy who will work with you! Communicate with him!

[nescafe1982]

I can't believe people advise you to break up with him over this nonsense. I don't mean that your feelings are nonsense, but that you've got an honest guy who's doing his best, albeit a little conflict-avoidant, and they tell you, eh just kick him to the curb. Sheesch!

 

I think you should just have an open conversation about it. Say, you know that I was pretty uncomfortable with her trying to undermine our relationship even when she was with the bf, but now that he's gone and she's desperate and turning up the drama even more... so, what do you intend to do about it?

 

Then notion that there are any perfect people is ludicrous, so if you've got yourself a keeper and you love him pay no attention to the "kick him to the curb" bunch. And secondly, the notion that you can have yourself an amazing, desirable guy who is completely invisible to the cunning members of the opposite sex is just as ludicrous. This is a guy who will work with you! Communicate with him!

 

Thank you SalParadise... You have no idea how good it was to read your encouragement (I was feeling pretty sad about this whole thing just now).

 

We did talk this morning, and it was very awkward, but basically it ended with "I need you to not hide things from me, because that's what honesty is all about and I expect that in my relationship." He struggled to understand that my biggest problem is the dishonesty, though, and not that it's *this* woman. I mean, I'm not crazy about the chick... but it's his being cagey about it that is setting off alarm bells in my head.

 

I think in the end, he's very conflict-avoidant and is going to struggle with resolving issues that can be postponed through ignoring them. It's hardly a becoming quality in a man, but it's certainly not the worst of all the bad qualities out there in the world. But it gets very hard to read this kind of "secret keeping" as conflict-avoidance rather than a "disrespect for our relationship," especially in the context of a Long-distance relationship.

[hoping2heal]

Update: whether smart to do so or not, I asked about how this issue was going this morning.

 

Turns out she's broken up with her boyfriend and since them she's been calling him more frequently. Including one middle-of-the-night call asking him to drive her to the ER for some ongoing medical issue. He hid these things from me "to protect me," he says. I told him that instead of "protecting me" through omissions and/or lies, I would prefer he trusted me to process this complicated friendship he is having.

 

To be certain: I'm not saying he was wrong for taking her to the hospital, but it does make me uncomfortable that *he's* the one she calls, given that as he says "we don't hang out all that often, and she's the one who initiates it usually."

 

Our talk went... okay, I think. The guy is VERY conflict-avoidant generally, and I'm hoping that it is becoming clear to him that avoiding conflicts through lies/half-truths is not a healthy pattern to have.

 

He always tells the truth when I approach him about issues, but I hate that I have to be the one to instigate honest communication... I feel like a cop and like I'm "busting" him. It sucks.

 

I went through a situation that was a bit similar. They were friends from way back when kind of thing. They did not have contact all of the time like your boyfriend and this friend and there were no requests to see the stars together but needless to say she went through a bit of a crisis and tried to lean heavily on him. The difference being I knew about it because he told me; right away;immediately. I told him exactly how I felt which was while I had empathy for what she was going through I'm not OKAY with her using my boyfriend as her rock. Out of respect for my feelings and not wanting me to be made uncomfortable he defined that boundary with her and kept it. The girl had to go to other sources of support during her difficult time which is what she should be doing in the first place; not leaning on someone elses man in lieu of her own. To be clear I didn't ask him to end the friendship; simply keep it more friendship appropriate. I'm fine with them being friends but I'm not fine with late night phone calls or leaning on him like that's her boyfriend; or the way I would reach out to him.

 

That is all exactly the kind of thing your boyfriend should be doing. There shouldn't be any omissions. The two of them should not have a relationship that is conducted by the two of them with you on the outside; whether their relationship is platonic or not. Also, if you're being made uncomfortable by all of this he should put an end to it. That doesn't mean they cannot still be friends but I'll be honest, I major "wtf'd" when I read about that stargazing incident. Maybe he's being faithful to you 100% but that doesn't mean boundaries aren't being crossed.

[dasein]

Well, I see both sides of this, but in the end, thoughtful SO's get shed -entirely- of people like her without a second thought out of basic respect and consideration of their SO's feelings and their current relationship. She is not a close friend of his, the relationship brings him little if any benefit other than attention, they don't work together so no work discomfort, and it is reasonable that you are continually irritated. No woman I've ever dated would put up with a conflict avoidant response from me on this type of thing. He should go NC immediately and permanently with this woman or he really doesnt' care about your feelings as much as he needs to to be a good bet for the long haul. I disagree with any instant breakup advice, but have to ask you if you are content with someone who is so conflict avoidant that they won't take a stand in support of you when you are squarely in the right? Wouldn't cut it for me. Good luck getting this resolved.

[crederer]

It happens. He's telling you about it which to me indicates he's hiding nothing. Just take it as a compliment that you got a guy that other women want. You need to trust that you are the one he wants.

 

Jealousy or not, if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. Whether you're jealous about it or not. Just don't push him to it by acting all crazy.