Mycatsnuggles Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I'm a MOW in along term affair, 3 years, w a MM. We are not leaving our marriages, the only thing we will ever have is our stolen moments together. There are many reasons we will never be together the greatest of which is our age differences. My kids are adults, he is just beginning a family. I don't wish to revisit that period in life, he needs to. We are at different points in our lives.. Yet somehow we have a connection. I feel he adds to my life, he has made me feel loved and secure for the first time ever about myself. I don't know how or why it's possible but I am more comfortable with this younger man then I have ever been with my H or anyone else. He has supported me through some rough times by being a shoulder to cry on or a warm embrace of acceptance. He states I have been the same for him. Now the question. I wonder if he is seeing someone else, besides me. I know his wife keeps a close watch on him, but he is still able to see me. She saw some of our texts a few years ago and has watched him closely ever since. When were together he expresses his love for me and I feel he is sincere. But when were apart I question if there is an OOW. I'm not his wife. The sex is amazing. Should it matter to me if he is? I don't want him to, he swears he is not and could not as the "feelings" are just as important as the sex. Should I just accept the relationship at face value and stop questioning? Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 It sounds as though you want him to be there for you emotionally. So it makes sense that it you wouldn't like an OOW.[COLOR=#990000] It shouldn't matter in the same way that you shouldn't be with the MM.[/COLOR] Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I'm just curious. What's the reason you don't want him to see anyone else? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 The truth is: everyone wants to feel special. Unless you are strictly FWB or just use each other as a booty call, everyone wants to feel important and special to the person they've emotionally invested in. That's why affairs can be so emotionally taxing and confusing, because if you're not the only one, there is automatically an element of comparison and figuring out your place in their life and if you indeed are special and if they love you more or not etc. Then the issue of legitimacy comes up and although you feel how you feel, you don't know where to put those feelings, as being in an affair and being married yourself, it's hard to reconcile how you can have monogamous expectations from each other....so even when jealousy and possessiveness rear their head, it's hard to manage. How you feel is normal; however, you either define your relationship as NSA sex and act accordingly or change the arrangement. It's either feasible or not and you have to go along with what is feasible and adjust your expectations accordingly. Outside of an affair, I have attempted to do the pseudo-relationship thing personally, i.e. we're not an exclusive couple, but I only see them and sleep with them, and I have feelings, but we're not in a relationship and exclusivity isn't discussed and sometimes I see other people and I don't ask if they are, but when I think about it I get upset. It's very irritating but it's either: you define your relationship and decide what it is and isn't and see if it's feasible and if your feelings can line up with what it is OR you opt out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mycatsnuggles Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Knight, MissB nailed it exactly. I want to feel special. I want to know this is more then just sex. I want a little piece of his heart. Can a man pretend to care for someone for 3 years if its only? There is no reason to stay w me if he is bored and wants someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Sooverhim Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Knight, MissB nailed it exactly. I want to feel special. I want to know this is more then just sex. I want a little piece of his heart. Can a man pretend to care for someone for 3 years if its only? There is no reason to stay w me if he is bored and wants someone else. Hi Mycatsnuggles! IMO yes a person can pretend to care for someone for 3 years or even forever if they have a part-time, occasional, cake eating relationship with them. If they are getting what they want out of the situation and they are happy with it I believe they can keep up the pretence indefinately! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mycatsnuggles Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Sooverhim Similar stories, thank you for posting. I do think its the affair bubble I'm within, but it feels so good there. Do I really want to leave it behind? Am I also "faking" my emotional involvement? It feels real. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Sooverhim Similar stories, thank you for posting. I do think its the affair bubble I'm within, but it feels so good there. Do I really want to leave it behind? Am I also "faking" my emotional involvement? It feels real. You want him to be emotionally commited to you and yet you are the one who says it cannot be more than an affair because of his station in life...a man with younger children? Makes no sense. That is who he is. He is his family. If you don't love that part of him, how can you love him at all? Why would you want more than a booty call from him. It seems you've put up the parameters. Or...has he said he doesn't can't be with someone in such a different part of HER life...middle age? Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 You are both married with both cheating on each other's spouses. IMHO you have no right to expect our demand exclusivity. Both of you are getting something out of the A so accept it for what it is or make plans to end it. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Knight, MissB nailed it exactly. I want to feel special. I want to know this is more then just sex. I want a little piece of his heart. Can a man pretend to care for someone for 3 years if its only? There is no reason to stay w me if he is bored and wants someone else. I can understand that.i figured MissB was right (she usually is), but I wanted to see what you had to say about it. Considering the other comments you've received, how will you approach it from this point? What if you're not the only one? Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I can understand from an emotional and sexual health standpoint why being the only OW is important. If I found out my MM had an OOW, I would be out, as that was one of our "dealbreakers" from the begining. monogamy is very important to both he and I, even including BS, he's not the serial cheating type and i'm not the "spread my love" easy type so being the only OW is important to me. Are you and MM in love? Are you still in love with H? Is he with W? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mycatsnuggles Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Goodbye, I do accept his family life. We stated from the beginning we weren't leaving marriages to be together, we love our spouses as more friendships but have never had the great sexual attraction to them. It worked for us. We stated the beginning being only w spouses and each other as important from both an emotional and sexual safety issue. I know that sounds f'ed up but it worked for us. Leaving him means losing the sex and losing a friend. I can't have this w H I've tried. I don't know why but it was never there. H is happy. I don't deprive him in any way and have tried to feel that "thing" I do w MM I just don't. You can't create chemistry. I have the best of both worlds. A wonderful H who is a great friend and my lover who gives me what H can't. I cake eat. Why should it matter if MM has cake and pie. It would. He would never admit to it but it matters. I have no actual proof only him visiting a web site but why else would he be there but to replace me. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Goodbye, I do accept his family life. We stated from the beginning we weren't leaving marriages to be together, we love our spouses as more friendships but have never had the great sexual attraction to them. It worked for us. We stated the beginning being only w spouses and each other as important from both an emotional and sexual safety issue. I know that sounds f'ed up but it worked for us. Leaving him means losing the sex and losing a friend. I can't have this w H I've tried. I don't know why but it was never there. H is happy. I don't deprive him in any way and have tried to feel that "thing" I do w MM I just don't. You can't create chemistry. I have the best of both worlds. A wonderful H who is a great friend and my lover who gives me what H can't. I cake eat. Why should it matter if MM has cake and pie. It would. He would never admit to it but it matters. I have no actual proof only him visiting a web site but why else would he be there but to replace me. Perhaps you can both confide to your best friend spouses and then have an open relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Goodbye, I do accept his family life. We stated from the beginning we weren't leaving marriages to be together, we love our spouses as more friendships but have never had the great sexual attraction to them. It worked for us. We stated the beginning being only w spouses and each other as important from both an emotional and sexual safety issue. I know that sounds f'ed up but it worked for us. Leaving him means losing the sex and losing a friend. I can't have this w H I've tried. I don't know why but it was never there. H is happy. I don't deprive him in any way and have tried to feel that "thing" I do w MM I just don't. You can't create chemistry. I have the best of both worlds. A wonderful H who is a great friend and my lover who gives me what H can't. I cake eat. Why should it matter if MM has cake and pie. It would. He would never admit to it but it matters. I have no actual proof only him visiting a web site but why else would he be there but to replace me. I'm just wondering if it's in your best interest to leave your marriage. It's not fair to your H because he doesn't have a choice in the situation, whereas right now you do. You say your H is happy, but how do you know he is? He has to have noticed your attention towards him has dwindled. I know during my A I was emotionally checked out. Our sex life had gotten to a stagnant point when my WH first cheated and then I had my own A and felt what you are saying about the chemistry. Now that my WH has had his (god knows 3rd A) we are analyzing our M, our faults, what we have in common, shared interests, our own brokenness etc. Our sex life has been off the charts amazing since we have been reconnecting. We are having a renewed chemistry I guess. It is possible to get that chemistry back with your spouse. I never thought I would but did. One thing is for sure the chemistry will definitely not come if there is an AP in the picture. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mycatsnuggles Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Lady designer I agree with you. Before I ever had the affair I tried w H to make that spark. But it was never there not even in the beginning. There can not be a rekindling of something that for my part isn't there. For him it is. How can this be I don't know but he is very happy w our sex life. He tells me how amazing it is for him. I have often wondered how he can enjoy it so much and for me it's nothing. Why I finally sought an affair. I wondered if it was me. GB. we have joked about this. Not happening. Back on topic. It's either continue in the A and enjoy what I have and wonder if he is looking for my replacement. He is younger, while he states "I will never have another A and I want to be with You as long as you want me". I wonder. No actions have changed on his part. He's actually been in more contact w me. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 Knight, MissB nailed it exactly. I want to feel special. I want to know this is more then just sex. I want a little piece of his heart. Can a man pretend to care for someone for 3 years if its only? There is no reason to stay w me if he is bored and wants someone else. Yes. Just like you can (and he can) stay married for your own reasons. You're not staying married because you're in love with your husband. Sure you may love him but you're not totally into him on all levels, otherwise you wouldn't be into this MM and trying to feel special to him. Much of this is ego related, so it seems and once you let yourself fall for him, now you feel he's yours even though he isn't (your heart feels this way) so the thought of him with another OW hurts. Minimizes what you two shared. It is possible he has his reasons to do what he's doing, just like you have your reasons for what you're doing. He will stay with you because he likes having attention and he enjoys you. Doesn't mean he's passionately in love and attached. he is in it for the moment and enjoys the A for what it is. An affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mycatsnuggles Posted July 13, 2013 Author Share Posted July 13, 2013 Peace and love, I'm sorry I couldn't find your back story. I am just wonder if you and which way are being sarcastic or you truly feel this way? I have often said there needs to be a sarcasm emoticon.. Thank you regardless for the response. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 Peace and love, I'm sorry I couldn't find your back story. I am just wonder if you and which way are being sarcastic or you truly feel this way? I have often said there needs to be a sarcasm emoticon.. Thank you regardless for the response. I wasn't being sarcastic at all. Not sure how you read that into my post reply. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mycatsnuggles Posted July 13, 2013 Author Share Posted July 13, 2013 Whichway & Peace and love Your advice is actually what I myself have been debating. I really appreciate it. I only wanted to make sure I was interpreting correctly and not reading into your message 'what I want to hear'. Because the truth is I don't want to end the affair. It does hurt that he could profess his love for me while pursing someone else, I wish he would be honest with me, he won't because it serves no purpose to him. I understand how contradictory those feelings are when I am causing this pain to another woman. I wrote on LS as opposed to lashing out at him as I wanted to. We just talked about this, I told him what I saw and felt. He denied it, actually. Got mad at me for 'looking' I thought it would at least make him change his sign in so I wouldn't recognize it. He didn't. What's funny is I know the fake mad and reflecting back is the classic WS response and I fell for it because I wanted to believe him.. Any way. Thank you all for the honest responses. I will avoid him for a few days and think about what I want. Have a good evening all. MCS Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts