ConfusedLady1978 Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 I'm in a bit of an odd situation right now. I'm married. Been married for 2 years. But I dated the guy for 5 years before we got married. He's a really good guy and we have a 1 year old daughter. Great husband, great dad. But I'm just not happy. And he knows this. He also knows that I have this friend that I met online about 3 years ago. And he knew I was married. And we were just good friends. Nothing more. But a few weeks ago I confessed my true feelings to him and he was rather surprised but admitted that he felt the same way and had for a while. Now my husband is a very open man and said that he had no problem if I wanted to start seeing this man or even started sleeping with him. (If he lived here in Georgia I'd already have done that but he's about 2000 miles away in North Dakota.) My husband has even agreed to let me take a trip there in January to meet him. He told me he didn't care what I did as long as I tell him all about it when I got home. (He gets off on the idea of me being with someone else.) Now here's where it gets really weird. I am completely in love with North Dakota guy. He and I are so much alike! I am really looking forward to visiting him and really getting to know him. (He is single, never been married.) I still care for my husband very much but I don't feel the same about him s I do the North Dakota guy. In fact when my husband and I were dating I had tried to break up with him twice and the last time I tried to break up with him he proposed to me. That's how we got engaged. He said, "You can't break up with me because I want to marry you." And I said yes. I want to be with North Dakota guy more than life itself. I want to just up and move there so that he and I can get to know one another better and truly give this relationship a go. He's a great boyfriend but being so far away is difficult. My husband has always told me that he would do anything to make me happy as long as I come home to him. But I'm at the point that I don't want to come home to him. And that's the difficult part. Do I follow my heart and leave my husband and move to be with this other man? Or do I remain loyal to my husband and break my heart in the process? Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 Where does your daughter fit into the plan??? Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 I have a couple questions for you too. Have you ever actually met the North Dakota man? What is it that is making you unhappy with your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted October 23, 2004 Share Posted October 23, 2004 I think deciding to run off to be with a guy you only know through the internet is insane. I mean seriously, people are different in person. This guy may sound like the man of your dreams but the reality is he will have flaws that you just can't know about through emails and chatrooms. It sounds like your husband wants an open marriage. The problem is sooner or later you will find someone that you do want to be with, and the marriage you have is going to end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedLady1978 Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 After discussing this with the North Dakota guy, I know that he will accept my daughter and love her as his own. He wants children and I know he will be a good father. I'm going to see him on November 12 and I am so excited to go. Finally I will be in the company of a man who will love me and want to keep me for himself. Link to post Share on other sites
lifeonhold Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 Originally posted by Devildog I think deciding to run off to be with a guy you only know through the internet is insane. I swear the signs of the world ending are everywhere. First, your husband and I are very different. I could never marry a woman and then proceed to let her go fool around with other guys. Emotional infidelity is no more right in my opinion than physical infidelity is. Why get married in the first place? Your daughter should be first and foremost. How will your H feel about another man being called and viewed as Daddy? I have a hard time believing he would be indifferent, but I guess I have a hard time understanding his position in your relationship based on what you have said anyway. Here is the only real bit of info I'd like to share: Being happy is something you choose. If you are unhappy to be married to your H, you are choosing to be. On the flip side, if you are happy with ND guy, that is also your choice. Being "in-love" is also a choice, it can change from minute to minute, day to day. Ask yourself, because you owe it to yourself. "What could he, I and we be doing different that would make me happy?" The answer might be right under your nose. Once you make your decision, there is no way, or only very difficult terrain if you find you want to go back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedLady1978 Posted November 4, 2004 Author Share Posted November 4, 2004 My husband and I are complete opposites in all honesty. He really is a good guy but we just have nothing in common. We don't like to do the same things at all. He wants to play D&D and I want to be online. He wants to watch Reno 911 and I want to watch Survivor. He also does so many things that irk me and he doesn't even try to do things that he needs to do. And when I confront him about these things he gets irritated and tells me I'm being unfair and he shouldn't have to change to please me. And he does have a point there. If he's happy being the way he is, fine. But I don't want him in my life as he is. And the sex.....I just don't enjoy it when we do it. And he wants to do it all the time. I once asked him if all I was to him was a sex object and he swears I'm not but he can't even hug me without groping for something else. We were happy once. But I'm not anymore. And all he talks about it how I never want to do what he wants to do and he thinks I ignore him. But I'm just not happy anymore with him. We don't do any of the same things. Heck, he still acts like a high schooler most of the time. He's rather immature. I thought it was cute when we were dating. But now.....I've grown up a bit. And he hasn't. I confronted him about that once and he got all upset and said, "Don't grow up. I didn't marry a grown up and I don't want you to turn into one." Well good grief, I'm 25 years old with a child. I can't be a kid forever. Someone has to take responsibility for the bills and the house and the baby. And he's obviously not doing it. So I have to. Why does he resrent me for it and fight me when I ask for his help with things? I'm sick of it. I think my husband is a good guy and I do like him as a person. But I don't want to be married to him anymore. He would have been a great friend. And I thought he would be a good husband for me. But I was wrong. At least I'm able to admit this early in our marriage. In a week I'm going to North Dakota. We'll see how this trip goes and I'll know then if such a relationship with ND guy will be possible. When I get home I'll decide what to do about my marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 4, 2004 Share Posted November 4, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedLady1978 After discussing this with the North Dakota guy, I know that he will accept my daughter and love her as his own. He wants children and I know he will be a good father. I'm going to see him on November 12 and I am so excited to go. Finally I will be in the company of a man who will love me and want to keep me for himself. This is madness. You had a discussion with a man you've never met & have come to the conclusion that he will make a good father? Yikes !! I seriously hope things work out for you, mainly because you're dragging a little life along for the ride. Maybe it would be best if your daughter stays with her real father while you figure out if the ND guy is really who you think he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted November 5, 2004 Share Posted November 5, 2004 I don't think you need to have everything in common in a marriage. Sure, you become a couple, but you are still 2 individual people. Having seperate interests is normal. You just can't expect someone to give up all of their interests. But you do need to have some common interests. Women mature faster than men (or atleast that is what women always claim). Especially after having a child most women will feel the need to be a responsible adult. But on the other hand that doesn't mean you can't still have fun. I think that is what your husband is trying to say even if he has trouble finding the words. Does your husband go along with you and do the things you want to do and enjoy? If so wouldn't it be fair to give him the same in return? He gropes when you hug sometimes. He still finds you sexy and desireable. Sorry to break this to you ladies, but sex is a very important aspect of a marriage to men. When you start cutting back on sex, problems will probably develop in other areas because you are making him feel like less of a man. And he will resent you for it. Another thing to keep in mind if you go through with the divorce. From a legal stand point you will probably have a very difficult time convincing the court that moving 2000 miles away to be with your internet love, taking your child away from the biological father, is a good idea. I know I would never sit idly by if my wife wanted to do that. Consider counselling. Sometimes if one person in the marriage makes an effort to stop egging things on, the other person will be less likely to make his own attacks. If you are the bigger person in the relationship try not fighting back. It might make the situation more pleasant and get things back on track. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedLady1978 Posted November 17, 2004 Author Share Posted November 17, 2004 Well I went on my trip....and had the time of my life! Interestingly enough when I returned my husband said he was tired of things and was taking his heart back. So be it. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedLady1978 Interestingly enough when I returned my husband said he was tired of things and was taking his heart back. So be it. I was say it was more predictable than "interesting". Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Well, all I can say to that is that I'm glad my husband doesn't judge my worthiness as a mate by what games I play or what TV shows I watch. <====='Cause that would be Princess Zelda representing me as my icon. And I've got a Yu-gi-oh deck that most 12 year-old boys would club me over the head like a baby seal to get there hands on! Weirdly, even though he doesn't share my interests, we still manage to find things to do together. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts