beejsea2 Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 If you read my other post my bf up and left me while I was working last weekend. Nothing made sense in him leaving because there weren't any signs that he was unhappy etc. My family thinks I need to just hold my head up and move on like it's no big deal. Last night I started crying and my mother got mad at me and said it's time to put it to rest. Does setting time constrants on confusion, loneliness, anger help or is this going to take longer than my family thinks?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 There is no set time. It is diff between every person and how much a person cared for the other person, how long the relationship was, how a perosn handles emotionla trauma are obviously huge factors in the length of time. Anyhone who gives you a set time of how long it takes is ignorant. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 Given the circumstances of your break up this could take longer - you have so many unanswered questions to ponder. I know she is your mother, but that was a callous of her. It's only been a week!! Jeez - and on top of that you were literally abandonded. Sounds like you may have to save your tears for your counsellor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 I know my mother is saying these things because she hates to see me hurting but I feel that my counselor is the only person I'll be able to talk to because my family is having this attitude that I should be pissed off enough at him that I don't care that he left. There are times when I'm fine and than I find myself breaking down and crying and I can't seem to stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Butchey Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 By all means take your time. But keep reading these posts. Grieving takes time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 I am glad that I found this site because it has given me the strength to get through some bad days. I hate the fact that I have to play the guessing game and I don't understand why he didn't tell the truth about what happened etc. Things just don't add up...if you're leaving someone you don't stop and clean the oven etc.!!! Link to post Share on other sites
utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 It can take a LONG time. It depends on how emotionally vested you were. You take as much time as you need. Find people that are supportive that listen to you and stay away from those that just don't have that ability right now. It has been 6 weeks for me and the pain is practically still as fresh and the wound seems even larger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 Thanks for the advice. The worst thing about all of this is that I'm a total wreck and I'm afraid that it will affect my job performance and I need my job now more than ever since I bought a house a year ago and he said he'd be with me to help me out. Link to post Share on other sites
utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 I TOTALLY CAN RELATE!!! We had just bought a house together and he quite his job. So we moved to another state and we lived in my best friend's basement. He was there for about 3 months and then I moved after getting a position with my company. After a few more months, we finally found an apt. I was there for TWO weeks when he decided that was it. And after jerking me around for some time, I am finally trying to come to terms with the fact that it is over. After he broke up with me, I told my boss that my fiance' and I had broken up and he said that I should just use this time to focus on my work. 6 weeks later, he tells me consider this a verbal warning that my performance is not up to par. 3 minutes after getting off the phone with him, I have a SEIZURE at work. Apparently, all this stress is not good for one little body to take. If I can give you one piece of advice, please take care of yourself. My hairdresser told me one thing that I try to remember, live your life today. Treat yourself to something special. And I know you just bought the house. But treat yourself to even the smallest most decadent thing you can afford. With our $2000 house pmt still looming, I went ahead and had my hair cut and bought my favorite salon shampoos and conditioners. Small yes, but still felt good to take care of me. Promise me you will do one special thing just for beejsea2 today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 Thanks for the support. We have lived in the house together for over a year and I haven't been able to spend the night since this happened on Sunday. I've been staying with my sister. When this all happened the first thing I told my sister and my mom is that I want to sell the house and move. I have a very cute house..with oak floors through-out the type of house with old time charm that I wanted. As far as my job my Director is very supportive she went through a divorce and she knows how I'm feeling and told me that if she or the Asst Director felt my job was slacking that they would talk to me immediately!! I haven't been sleeping much or eating..this is so hard, yet I know that I need to be strong and move on. I guess I want closure and he is the only one that can give that to me and he ran off and left me while I was away. Everyone here have been so helpful and it's nice to talk with people who know what I'm talking about gong through. I know that the EAP Counselor limits my visits here at work at five so I'm looking for a more permanet counselor to help me through this ordeal Link to post Share on other sites
utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 don't sell the house unless it is a you cannot afford it kind of thing. and please tell me that he is not there, and you are making the mortgage pmt. If the house is empty (and I got this advice from another website) get some friends together and go paint and rearrange your surroundings so they seem brand new to you. this will accomplish several things. Get you back into the house that you love without him. Change the scenery so that it doesn't remind you of him. Paint is cheap! And it will keep you busy! Start sprucing up that house EXACTLY the way YOU want to. You cannot be thinking about him if you are dreaming about the perfect way to highlight those floors. I am not sure where you live, but if there is a TJ Maxx nearby, cheap home furnishings, adorable. Get a part time job at William Sonoma or Pottery Barn - you rarely work and you get 40% off of everything. Do not let him ruin your first home for you. And what a chicken way to get out of a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 My mom and sister and a girlfriend did not like the way the house was arranged (the way he like it) plus he did most of the painting and did a really crappy job. So now they've decided they all want to play Trading Spaces for While you where out! I think that would help alot..I've been to the house everyday to pick up mail etc but after a hour I'm ready to go because my skin is crawling and I'm to the point that I can't breathe...Sunday I know I had a panic attack and screamed I have to get out now!! Any suggestions on when I should try and go back to the house? Link to post Share on other sites
utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 I am not an expert on this, but like my signature says; those who can't do (or refuse to listen to other people's advice, preach) Decide one day that you are going to go and wash all the windows. Take you most favorite uplifting CD and blast it while you sit there and wash every single window or floor or whatever. Concentrate on doing the BEST DAMN CLEANING job you have ever done. Think of nothing else. Sing loud. Get yourself pumped up. Pack a reward for when you are finished, like a huge diet coke or something. When you are done, pull out that icy diet coke and look at how nice the work you did is. Then leave. Next time, pot some flowers somewhere in the house, around the house, and reward yourself. Every time you go back to the house, you should start feeling better and better and be able to stand being there for longer periods of time. Host a movie night. Have everyone bring something to eat or drink and fill it with your best buds. Make it a movie night, have icy cold margaritas on hand. Have a couple people sleep over or just go back to your mom's house when it is all said and done. But keep trying. You must have someone who would be willing to spend the night. Make it fun. The more positive memories, no matter how small should help you fall in love with the house again and push out some of the old sad memories. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 I'm willing to try anything because I'm upset that he ran me out of my house after he "ran off." My youngest sister is on vacation and she went through this a few years ago...the difference is that her bf didn't just up and pack when she was away to work. Also there were signs that her relationship was ending...I'm totally floored that he left ..I mean that week we were having a great time..or so I thought. I know that I'll go back to the house and I know that I have to be strong and realize that I'll have to do the mowing and leaf racking and snow shovling all my self this year...I'm just still so numb I feel like I'm a voombie Link to post Share on other sites
utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 I totally understand. I spend a lot of time on my brother's couch watching him play the dumbest video game for HOURS at a time. Each day just blends into the next, you forget what happens from day to day. Keep your chin up and know that you are not alone. I will be there for you. Misery loves company Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 But I don't want to keep feeling this way! I guess I want some quick fix which I know is not feasible! My sister where I have been staying lives about 45 mins away. Alot of my friends I have lost contact with over the past 4 years because I was making him happy!! I guess he ran off to where ever to start fresh...he did the chicken thing and also his choice was alot easier for him! I know that I'm a strong independent woman...I was before I meet him but now I'm not even sure I know who I am anymore!! Link to post Share on other sites
utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 I swear you are repeating every single thing that I said over the last week. Practically word for word. Maybe it is time to suck it up and go home. She has a phone, even if you have to spend four hours on the phone with her at night, you will still be moving on. I feel just like you did. I was very independant before I met him. Now I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I worry that I may have broken myself with this whole thing. I have asked tons of people for the quick fix too. they all keep giving me the same "stupid" answer. It just takes time. Time I don't feel like I have. We want to feel better and move on NOW!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 I guess the hardest thing is the empty feeling I feel inside. Of course I keep asking myself why why why what did I do....deep down I know it's not me but since I didn't leave and I made a good home for him...maybe to good of a home...when you lose yourself for someone else what good does that do. Right now yes I'd say I still love him but as the days go by and he doesn't contact me I have to say to myself I'm better off! I know I'm use to having someone there in fact for the past four years...I need to remember how I was before I meet him and welcomed him into my life. Link to post Share on other sites
utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 I know. And I am sorry, I wish I could say it gets better, but I have not found that to be the case yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 Well I hope both of us find that comfort zone again. That when we think of our ex's we can do so without breaking down in tears or feeling ill to our stomachs. It's a journey that I know will be long, but I know that I must take this journey to feel alive again, to feel good about myself. I REFUSE to let him win...he knew that leaving me the way he did would kill me so I need to get over him the sooner the better! Link to post Share on other sites
utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 I can't wait to get as far as you are. Link to post Share on other sites
TZ Posted October 23, 2004 Share Posted October 23, 2004 beejsea2, It takes time, and it's a personal thing, to get over an ex. No matter the circumstances, no matter how or why he left, the feeling of emptiness is hard to live with. I used to wake up every morning thinking about him, go to bed at night thinking about him. I wrote in my journal every day. I talked to my friends (who also hadn't seen me/talked to me the while I was with him, because I, too, was pleasing him and spending almost every waking moment with him). I immersed myself in my job and took on more responsibilities, I worked late and on weekends. I bought all sorts of books about coping, came on the site a lot, and so on. One afternoon came and I realized..."wait, I woke up this morning and didn't think about him". That was an awakening. Yes, there were times when things here and there reminded me about him and I wondered where he was and what he was doing. But gradually he began to fade from my life because I started to push myself to fill it with other things and people and activities. I went on a week-long vacation with my girlfriend and we had a blast. I forced myself to be busy and I got interested in other stuff. I have taken up pottery and mosaicism. I also changed my looks a bit and walked with my head up high. Of course, I did this gradually. It didn't happen overnight. Oh, and I also did "no contact". I blocked him from my IM. He would email me, but I wouldn't reply. I never called him. Now guess what? I saw him a couple of weekends ago, after a 6 month breakup, and he wants me back. Now I read back my journal and I feel anger for how I felt at that time. Anger at him. Now, you can get philosophical and say that it's my decision to be angry/sad/whatever. But I felt hurt and I hated him for it. I read my journal and saw a grieving person (me) who was going through tremendous pain. I felt sorry for me. I cried for me. So, cry all you need to cry. It's cleansing for the soul. When you are tired from crying, very slowly, start doing something for yourself (or for others). Don't push yourself to do too much too soon...whichever way you choose to heal doesn't matter, the important thing is that you will heal. Sometime in the future, you might just be the one giving advice to somebody else in the same predicament. Take care, TZ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goonage Posted October 24, 2004 Share Posted October 24, 2004 How long to get over someone? This has been answered very well by the previous posters. There were some good posts that I could associate with. It's only reading about other people's situations that I realise that my own situation wasn't quite as bad, and I feel for anyone going through this crap. It really does knock the wind out of ye. It's been a month to the day since my ex and I finished. We knew it was coming. She said she was trying to make things better. Was she f**k. Anyway, the immediate impact of the break up was that I was just like a zombie as someone else said. Appetite gone. Sleeping habits - screwed up. Breathing - couldn't do that right either! That was the worst for me. I wanted to find an off switch for my life. Or a fast forward button. Or standby or something to get through what was just utter hell. Week 2 I still felt awful and completely directionless. Constantly wondering. Being unemployed doesn't help in that situation. If you're in work at least you can get stuck in to that. I am working, just from home on a freelance basis. That's bad because I don't have any real social interaction with different people on a daily basis. Anyway I'm fixing that as soon as I can. Week 3 my feelings began to change. Total sadness, desperation, numbness all slowly started to turn to anger. Yup, anger seemed to help for me. I begain to realise I was not at fault. I did no harm to her, only good. I can't really understand all her reasons, and I'm past caring why. Screw her for hurting me. If I see a photo of her now it makes me angry. Week 4 and I'm still on anger. Have been sticking to no contact too. Eventually I'll stop counting how long it's been. I'll stop caring too, about where she is or what she's doing. We agreed before we broke up that we would wait about 6 months before contacting each other again. My thoughts on this now are why bother. I will not try and regain contact with her. She dumped me so why the hell would I waste my time trying to contact her again. If she wants to contact me, then I will do the polite thing and reply. I might be bastard for doing that, but hey, I'm hurt and angry. So I've resigned to thinking I'll never hear from her or see her again. Why bother filling yourself with false hope. Anyway, I still consider my break up as being very recent. I wouldn't say my wounds are wide open now, but are slowly starting to close. Also I don't love her any more. I had to visit the city in which my ex and I spent over a year of our 3 year relationship together, the week after we broke up. I knew she was returning to University there for her final year. I had to drive past the grounds of the uni each day and I know she is living on campus. I absolutely hated being there. Wondering what her friends were doing with her in the evenings. Idiots. Driving past the university and in fact, every part of the damn city was a massive reminder of the great year that we both spent there. I had no choice - my client had asked me to go down so I did. It sucked, but I had support from a friend. I'd just wake up in bed and wish I just would just slip in to blackness and peace. Anyway, she might realise one day what she lost, but she sure as hell won't ever get it back again. Sorry, I don't know if this post even contributes to the discussion. Maybe it does, maybe it does not. Imy experience so far, I've seen a definite change in my attitute toward the break up. I'm still healing, and I know you will too. Just stick with it. The crap feelings will dissolve. Life isn't always crap. Certainly feels like it at the minute, but don't let it get you down. Link to post Share on other sites
statsgirl Posted October 24, 2004 Share Posted October 24, 2004 TZ, your advice seemed to be sound, so i ask you, or anyone who may have been through this for advice... what do you do when you are ending a 5 year relationship with someone you work with??? He can't stop cheating. That is my conclusion. We have been through so much together. He was everything to me. I didn't want to lose him, i just wanted him to stop cheating. I don't think he can, and i know it is over. BUT...I have to work with him, I still want him so much even though i know i can't be with him anymore. I had to finally draw the line. I feel like i am going crazy. I have never had my heart ripped to shreds like this before. I have been through my share of adversity. I am a single mom who is doing very well for myself and my 6 year old son. I did not have him in my life to take care of me and my son. He was my companion, my best friend, my rock. I have no one to talk to. I talked to him about everything. I try to focus on work, but i have to watch him flirt with the attention seeking, flirty secretary who sits right outside my office. He won't acknowledge anything. He just ignores me at work. He has said that he would like to stay together, but of course, he won't make anything right. I can't be with him. How do I get myself out of this torture. I can't quit my job. If i could, i would. Any other advice, or should i seek a professional. Is that my only hope?? Does anyone understand this kind of pain, to be around someone you want, but you know you can't be with, and they don't help you find closure???? Link to post Share on other sites
GiveAndTake Posted October 24, 2004 Share Posted October 24, 2004 In my experience, getting over someone usually takes about half of the time you were together. Link to post Share on other sites
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