When should you be "over him" after a break-up?

[beejsea2]

I've lost 20 lbs already and I really want to be able to sleep the entire night through. We even talked about if one of us felt the need to leave that we would sit down and be civil about it all....so much for that. Instead he sneaks away while I'm away at work!!

 

I know that I'll get over all this...I need to keep reminding myself that I didn't to anything wrong..I was loving and supportive...in fact probably to supportive of him!!!!

 

Maybe he's to ashamed to contact me...I need to move on though!! I just have to!!

[DoggyDog]

Beejsea, What your going thru is heartbreaking...from someone who saw the pain that a "lowlife MM of 24 yrs" did to my cousin. Up and left one day after a great turkey dinner she cooked for him....no argument, no nothing.....just left and she never knew why....I helped her thru the pain and I can tell you it was months before she was able to function normally.

 

Why a man would hurt someone like that boggles my mind...its a copout and cruellness that no human being should do to another....and to anyone who does that I say "they will get theirs, maybe not now but KARMA will prevail. Know that.

 

Meantime, try to talk to a friend, write every feeling down on paper, curse him,

belittle him, do whatever you have to do....especially when your up in the middle of the night with the pain and crying....wishing you were "dead"...My heart aches for you and know that we have been there and your not alone. Keep writing and reading this forum...it will help you.

 

Lots o Love,

[Just Visiting]

Well somewhere inside them KNOWS that how they are behaving is hurting another person. It's just too much to bear for them. So they rather not look. You didn't do anything wrong. If he wanted out, he should have been mature enough to say something. I told my ex too that if he is ever unhappy to tell me. But he didn't. Actions speak louder than words.

[beejsea2]

The worst thing is, the last night we spent together he held me close to him and told me he loved me...I need to stop thinking about everything so much.

 

I'm so glad for this forum and my family and friends for their support.

 

 

I know that I'm a good person..a guy that I was seeing before my ex decided to move to be near his kids...we email every now and than and he keeps telling me that it's not me that I was a wonderful person!! It helped some but it hurts so damn much!!

 

I'm so tempted to call his sister but she'll protect him and who knows what he told her!!

[statsgirl]

Like you, I am grateful for this site. I have to work with my ex. He took this weekend off to spend it with his new friend. I have been asking him for a year to take a weekend off and spend it with me. He always said no. Now he says he will take off at least one weekend a month. It's all bc of this new girl. I have to hear everyone at work talk about how "you can tell he found someone". Noone at work ever knew about us the whole 5 years we were together.

 

I am seeing a counselor, but she hasn't helped realize anything i didn't already know. I am sticking with it bc i am hoping she can help me move on from feeling tortured like this, by having to see him move on like this after he dumped me.

 

I am just beside myself. He was the one i turned to when i had a bad day. Now my bad days are all about him. All of my family and friends are at least 3 hours away from me. I am going visiting over the next couple of weekends to get away, but i have a 6 year old son that can not keep up with the pace of the traveling just so i can be away from him. This whole situation sucks. I didn't want it to end. I wanted to work things out. The worst part is when he tells me that it is not that he doesn't want me anymore, we just aren't sleeping together.

He says it has nothing to do with this new girl, but he made the choice to do away with me so that he can respect her.

 

I am so angry that if he was so unhappy, he chose to find someone else before he dumped me. If i was that unhappy, i would have left and chosen to be alone. I would not have waited to find someone else to latch onto so that i could conjure up the bravery to leave him. It just seems so unfair. I have been put through the wringer several times bc of this guy and now i am reminded every day of how much this hurts bc i have to work with him. I wish he would just go away. This way is not helping me one bit.

[beejsea2]

Unlike so many , I don't even know where my ex is. I guess that's the hardest part is spending 4 years together and he can't even let you know where you're going. I don't know if he went to be with another woman I'm clue less.

 

The week before he left it seemed like he was trying to pick a fight with me...I guess he really wanted me to think it was my fault!! Last night I looked back on our four years together and I know that it wasn't me. I never picked fights with him or nagged him because I didn't want to be one of those kind of GF. The last time I spoke to him he brought up all kinds of things that he said he wanted to do but I never let him...I replied I've never told you that you couldn't do those things...I think it made it easier for him to leave if I was the problem.

 

I had a really bad week this week...I'd start crying for no apparent reasons. My GF who went through a divorce said the shock has worn off and I was really starting to grieve. I think I cried more this week than I did the day he left.

 

I have to be strong...I'm still seeing a counselor and I know that I will be for sometime..it helps to get everything off my chest...I don't want to burden my family and friends too much.

Last night talking to my mom she told me she was so sorry for the pain I was going through. My family hates the fact that he had to sneak off.

 

I'm still not sleeping much. When I wake up all I can think of is him and I try everything to get back to sleep but it just doesn't to work!

 

I thought I knew him and now I guess I really didn't know him at all. We could talk about anything and in fact the weekend before when he called me we talked for about 1/2 hour about work and things.

 

I know this is not my fault but some nights the pain is so intense...I found crying helps than I calm down...but I know that this is going to be a long process!!

[Just Visiting]

Take as long as you need to give over this. And continue to vent whenever possible. We have all been there in one way or another.

[beejsea2]

I just I keep hoping to find someone here who's ex sneaked off and left them when they were away...leaving a note that made no sense.

 

I just thought that he'd get in touch with me...never thought that he would just disappear without talking to me face to face.

 

I guess I really never knew him and that's just breaking my heart! Plus the last time I talked to him he lied to me!!

[Just Visiting]

Note or no note....it doesn't matter. Our exes decided to leave in a VERY cowardly, immature manner. Now you are seeing him without the rose-colored glasses. And yes, it hurts to no degree. They are not the person that we were led to believe. But that's what makes them trash, not us.

 

It's only natural to be running in circles asking "why????". You will eventually wear yourself out from doing that. I know I did. Even if they did tell you "why", would you be satisfied? Love isn't difficult. People make it difficult. There is a day when you will see that.

[beejsea2]

I keep a journal and a few minutes I stopped to read it...deep down I know I'll be alright without him but I guess I keep having problems accepting his behavior. It's almost like he was two different people...

 

Today a co-worker commented how much better I look...it made me feel good because I know the past two weeks I've been a total wreck!

 

I'm glad I found this web site because all the comments and suggestions from people have been very helpful!

[jamwinswim]

Past = Set in stone. Future = Opportunity. Trust me, I know how hard it is to move on from a point where you have no answers? But you will have to do it, or else you will be in this sick cycle for a long time. I understand why you want to ask questions about why hes such a gutless bastard, and thinking about "he told me he loved me soooo much the day before".... well obviously he was lying, or he has some major issues that you can't address right now? Why did he leave? Why did he run away? I dont think he's coming bakc anytime soon, and evidence for this is the fact that he stole, not borrowed, but stole your entertainment center. What a jerk! And left you with bills to pay? Think about it, thats shallow.

 

I understand how much it hurts. The sleepless nights. The loss of weight. But you MUST move away from asking the questions - it will drive you insane, and after a while, your friends and family because it will be the same old story over and over. Focus on from this point what do I want for myself? What do I want from him? If he comes back, what do I say? Is he worth my time in the future? I appreciate you guys were together 4 yrs, and you have a lot of history etc etc, but if he ditches you with a simple letter, leaving you in the lurch as well, that will leave the biggest scar/memory than anything else in the relationship.

 

Make a list of things you like to do, and dont like to do. Make a list of things you like about him and dislike about him. Then focus on the things you like to do when you think about yourself in the future, and when the time comes to move on, focus on finding a guy who has similar, if not better qualities. Embrace this hurt, and then you'll move on when you are good and ready. But dont, really dont, ASK THE SAME QUESTIONS. It'll drive you even more crazy. Sick Cycle Carousel.

[beejsea2]

Thanks for the reply!! I know I need to move on and from this day forward I'm taking care of me!! I have some really great friends..some that I neglected because being there for him...and my family has been the greatest!!

 

I'm a good person and I didn't do anything wrong...like my counselor told this is all about HIM!

 

Sorry if I was sounding pathetic!! My heart will ache for some time if I don't stop here and now and take control...

 

I've emailed him everyday since he left and he hasn't responded so it's time for me to face a reality check...I was happy go-lucky, independent woman before I meet him and I need to find that person again!

 

Thanks for the wake-up call I needed that!

[jamwinswim]

No problem. It wasnt really a wake up call, I just wanted you to smell the roses - and there are roses out there! Everyone on this forum has been thorugh a heartache thats been pretty intense, or else they wouldnt have looked online for somewhere to go to vent, cry, break down, and build themselves back up. Everything you have been doing and felt is fine, these things happen! There is nothing that you have done that is wrong. I was the same, I neglected my friends - and now when I look back, yeah I miss her, the ex, alot, but Im glad I've got my friends back too. In fact my and my ex had dinner together the other night, but it wasnt the same trying to be friends, and now Im probably just gonna cut all ties (too much drama). Like my work colleague said - Dont let someone else's drama pull the strings to your life! Keep up the good work girl - just keep embracing it. Cry when its time to cry. Sing when you want, and release ........

[beejsea2]

Janwinswim

 

Thanks for your words of encouragment...I need to stop worrying about him and if he's alright and take care Number One!!! ME!

 

I have to step back and ask myself if he was telling you all week and the weeks before that he loved you why did he sneak off!!

 

I'm going to keep doing the things I'm doing, posting here, going to counseling and I know that one day I'll be able to think of the good times without falling apart or crying!

[DESI]

You said in your postings that you guess you never knew him at all. That is exactly how I feel. The person I thought I knew would have never left me in such a mean way. And you also said that the night before he left he held you real close and told you how much he loved you. Same here, the same exact thing. It seems like all our stories are so much alike. I am glad so many people can relate.

Also you said that you have been e-mailing him everyday since he left, you never said anything about that before. You should definately stop that, you are pouring your heart out to someone that doesn't deserve it. Plus you are making yourself feel worse because he isn't responding. Whenever you get the urge to e-mail him call a friend, post, do whatever you have to do but you really should not e-mail him. If he wants to talk to you, he will call.

You do sound a lot better. You are an inspiration to me.

[jellybean]

Originally posted by jamwinswim

 

Embrace this hurt, and then you'll move on when you are good and ready.

 

That's an interesting concept, and something that never occured to me.

 

I know you're advice was directed at beejsea2, but it is also an inspiration to me.

 

Today I'm going to allow myself to really feel the pain and loss, instead of remaining consumed with questions like : why did my ex dump me? why did he spend the last few months of our relationship lying and cheating on me? why did he fall out of love with me?...why, why, why.

 

Heck, I'll likely never know the answers, and this thinking process (which has lasted over 4 months now, since the breakup) has certainly impeded my recovery, and not helped me move on.

 

So, today I'm going to try something different - I'm going to embrace the hurt......

[beejsea2]

This weekend I took I giant step...I said to myself set him free...I have friends that keep saying to me don't you want to know what really happened??? My reply has been, it won't change a thing!! He left when I was away and left an ambiguous letter and he hasn't called or emailed. He didn't want me to know where he went so I need to accept it sooner than later and start the healing process.

 

I'm not going to lie...I've shed a few tears this weekend but I'm moving on. Some day he's going to realize that he had a good woman that loved him and it will be to late than.

[beejsea2]

Last night I received the push I needed to get over my ex. When I got home last night I had two phone messages from him.

 

A check on our joint account did not clear. He called telling me I had two choices 1) Pay him the amount plus a $55 dollar fee. 2) Pay him $280 plus the fees and put a hundred on the credit card bill that he left me with. I guess my third choice was not to pay him and be responsible for the credit card. Than he called back saying that the check that didn't clear would be submitted to the County Attorney where I live for collection and if that happened it was out of his hands. He said I could send the money to his "OLD" address (My house).

 

I called my bank and they said that his bank would not submit the check for collection, for one since this was a joint account he himself would be held liable for this check as well. Plus he had to prove that the money was owed to him. When I closed the account I didn't realize that a check that I gave him a week before hadn't cleared yet.

 

It hurt because I didn't know the man on the phone.

 

Today I'm angry and I'm determined to heal!

[jamwinswim]

sorry, but in the most polite way..... what a *ick. I mean come on - he calls you out of the blue over a bounced check, and then tries to pin the blame and trying to claim some cash from you. With respect to the money, he's trying to scare you - its a joint account, so yes he's going to be liable too. I work with credit reports in my job... sadly it may show up on yours, but it will be his problem also. More importantly though, he was cold and harsh, and not the person you obviously miss.

 

This is tough, because when you think of the person you miss, it was the person you were with, not the person he is now. Here is a FWD email I received: Just think about it for a bit -

 

To the special people in my life, I am sending this to you to see how many of you actually read your emails. Is anyone really out there? Your response will be interesting! Pay close attention to what you read. After you have finished reading it, you will know the reason it was sent to you! Here it goes:

 

People come into your life for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime. When you know which one it is for a person, you will know what to do for that person.

 

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.

 

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being a part of my life!

 

It sucks, but it seems true. How many people do you know from High School still? I guess people come and go, but like Hanson say in MMMMMBop (lol) - So look out for the ones who really care, cause in the end they'll be the only ones there!

 

Jellybean - I hope things are getting better. Embrace. Does it hurt? Hell yeah. But if you fight it, it'll be around forever. Be strong ladies, this man is (trying).

[beejsea2]

This morning has been such a good one! The Director was out shopping this weekend and saw a book of 365 suggestions to lift your spirit. The Asso Director came in and said on TV she saw some people talking about every-time a door closes another one opens, but sometimes we're so engrossed with the door that's closed that we don't realize that another door has opened!!

 

So the nasty phone messages from my ex basically was helping me see the other door that has opened!!

 

Jamwinswim yes he is a *ick!! I called my bank and said that I wouldn't be in any trouble what so ever over the closed account!!

 

Like my sister told me last night...he needs money and he's going to to threaten me!! I was going to send him a letter that said F OFF but my sister said if I respond to him he will know that he still has control of me...I'm not going to let that happen!!

 

To all of you out there going through this...be strong but take care of yourself first and foremost!

[jellybean]

Originally posted by jamwinswim

 

 

Jellybean - I hope things are getting better. Embrace. Does it hurt? Hell yeah. But if you fight it, it'll be around forever. Be strong ladies, this man is (trying).

 

Yes it hurts jamwinswim, but it's the first real step I've taken towards acceptance.

 

Thanks

[beejsea2]

Jamwinswim...

 

I liked the email that you posted. I guess my ex was the first...but I think it was more on the lines of what I could do for him...and after he got out of the relationship all that he needed he just up and walked away.

 

The first time in weeks I feel human!! I slept fairly good last night except the fact I was so PISSED off at him for being so cold and cruel!

 

Some day he's going to remember how good it was with me and he's going to lose out on all of this!! The man on the phone yesterday I have no clue who that was but just the fact he showed him is proof that I did not know him at all.

 

I know that this weekend is a same break through...funny thing is that if he would have called me and been decent I would have probably sent him the money...not one mention of me...how I'm doing...just the ME ME ME!!

 

I hope that when he realizes that I'm not sending the money that he won't keep calling and harassing me....I'm changing the locks on my house tonight just in case he made a copy of one...need to play it safe!!

[bluechocolate]

beejsea2

 

I'm really glad you finally heard from him - even in this way. What a jerk!!

 

The first time in weeks I feel human!! I slept fairly good last night except the fact I was so PISSED off at him for being so cold and cruel!

 

Being pissed off is good - you're headed in the right direction & he just gave you a big boost.

[beejsea2]

He doesn't realize the boost he gave me!! If he would of been kind and caring I would have caved in and given him the money!! I don't owe him a cent considering all the things that I bought and paid for that he packed up with him!!

 

For the past three weeks I never thought that I would feel like this again!! I'm still going to continue counseling for a while because I know that I will have road blocks ahead of me...but overall I now know it was not me!! Plus the fact he doesn't want me to know where he is indicates that he left for another woman...hmmm...guess I won't know and guess what I DON'T CARE!! Let his neediness be someone else's problem...I took care of him for four years it's time for me to heal and move on!!

 

I feel as if I'm the Phoenix and I'm rebirth from the ashes....

[beejsea2]

I've decided that it's time for me to start NC. I use to email him wanting to know that he was okay...after the nasty phone messages of this weekend I decided that I will stop. I turned off my answering machine because I really don't think there's anything for him to say to me anymore....after I hoped and prayed that he contact me...he did with threats!

 

I'm continuing with counseling...a friend told me today that I was pretty smart since I knew that I wasn't ready to suspend it.

 

To those of you reading this that are at your wits end...there is nothing wrong with getting help...it's another option...Lord knows it's helping to make me stronger.

 

I've gotten myself out of the first rut...I know that there will be more to come but I need to just continue on...my counselor yesterday said you know that none of this is about you...I told her that I knew it in my brain...but not my heart yet..

 

Stay strong!! I know that I've been getting alot of help and guidance from you all