When should you be "over him" after a break-up?

[jellybean]

It's a journey that I know will be long, but I know that I must take this journey to feel alive again, to feel good about myself.

 

 

That's so true beejsea2...and there are no short-cuts, I'm sorry to say.

[beejsea2]

Thanks everyone for the sound advice. I've been staying at my sisters but tonight I'm going back to my house. A GF wanted to come over to be with me tonight but I told her that I have to do this on my own!! I have to regain my life. This weekend I've heard so many different peoples view on the subject that I realize I have to do what I feel is the best for ME!

 

I know that my ex won't be contacting me...whatever he did, he screwed up and I know that I did NOTHING wrong. I had a male friend tell me this weekend that one problem with me is that I tried to hard sometimes!! Well now it's all about me..to heal and feel better. I know I need to eat better than I am, plus I'm getting around three hours of sleep and this morning I thought to myself...he's sleeping like a baby someone where so I need to do the same.

 

Am I over the break-up?? Not even close but I know that I need to move and do the things in my life to make things better.

[beejsea2]

Well last night was the first night I spent in the house since he left. It was hard and I broke down and called my family crying. They listened and told me that it's not my fault that I did nothing wrong.

 

So I guess I made the first step towards recovery with going back to the house...my GF is really terrific but she calls all the time and wants to know how I'm feeling what I'm doing...I told her this weekend that she was alot of help but that I needed to talk about him less and talk about life more. She called this morning and wanted to know how my night went and I told her it was okay. She wasn't satisfies with my answer...I know she has good intentions, I told her that I'm seeing a counselor and I want to just talk to her for now on about things and get back to normal...she seemed upset but I have to start healing.

 

I found myself re-evaluating the 4 year relationship...I found that I was giving alot more to him than he to me.

 

I think he loved me but whatever he did to get fired was the reason he decided to run and run he did. He hasn't tried to contact me and I can't believe that being with someone for 4 yrs that he wouldn't even see if I'm okay. Some friends believe that he'll call but much later to check up on me...my heart says I'll never hear from him again.

 

He left something behind that is very important to his family and you'd think that he'd at least contact me about that...nothing as of yet!

 

It's only been a week but I can at least breath again...eating and sleeping are still crappy!

[Just Visiting]

I remember what that was like. When my ex first left without any sort of explanation other than that he needed to get away for a bit, I was stunned. Even the thought of eating made me want to throw up. All I could do was wait for him to contact me (which he rarely did), go round and round in my head on why it was happening. It was like being punched in the stomach real hard, and you're trying to catch your breath.

 

That was about 18 months ago. I still miss and think about him. But once I found out that he was trying to get back with an ex (without no word to me about it), that's when I knew that I was no doormat. There is more to the story. But just to let you know that getting over someone varies. For me, I am about 75% there. That was my first live-in love and I thought it was leading to something greater. Like the old saying "the first cut is the deepest".

[beejsea2]

It's the fact that he left with a small note and no contact since. I'm fairly sure that he moved to his sisters house, my GF said he told our neighbors San Diego to throw me off. Yes I would have become emotional if he would have told me he was leaving but at least I would have had someone at the house to make sure that he took what was his. He ended up taking the complete stereo surround sound system that I bought and paid for...all he had was a TV and a chair and he took more than he should of.

 

My head tells me to get over him but my heart is hurting so much..just wanting to hear from him to know that he's okay...why should I care it's not like he's tried to get in touch with me.

[lexie20]

There is no set time to getting over somebody especially if you were with the person for a long time and you loved him. Parents always tend to think you should just get over it right now..They dont ever understand how much you cared for this person. Dont let anyone tell you to just get over it, it will take lots of time and youll know when your ready to be over him.

[jamwinswim]

beejsea2,

 

I'm sorry to hear about everything you are going through. What I want to tell you really isn't advice, but a compliment and to commend you for doing so well!! I just read through the post, and its easy to see that you are making progress!! Did it suck? Well, Hell Yeah it sucked that he pulled a quick one on you, and you are going to hurt for a while - but its good to hear that you are making plans (decorating) for yourself, and that slowly, step by step, you're trying to sleep again at your "home home". You are moving in the right direction - keeping busy, making plans, reaching to your friends and family, and they sound like they are being very very supportive. Just keep going thru it. Keep doing stuff for you, and you'll soon realise what a wonderful person you are just as yourself! Keep being strong girl!

[beejsea2]

Thanks for the kind words. Just got back from another session with my counselor and things are starting to make sense. In fact I feel a burden lifted off my shoulders.

I am a good person and for 4 years I tried my best to please him. But I have to take care of myself. I lost over 15lbs in this past week and trust me it's not the right way to diet.

 

I have my family and I know they react to the pain I'm going through but they're here for me...I have friends who call and email and are supportive and I need to put one foot in front of the other now...it's ME time. Time to heal!!

 

This forum has been another wonderful help to me! There are alot of really neat people here that have gone through or are going through the same thing...hang in there peeps we will all get through this....

 

I know that I'll make it otherwise he wins!

[beejsea2]

Spent my second night in the house...I only woke up two times. My sisters came over and we re-arranged furniture in the house...makes it look like a totally different place.

 

I still think about him when I go to bed and wake up...I know some day that will cease. It's like a jigsaw puzzle and he's holding the piece to finish everything. Wish he would just give me the piece so I can move on....I want some answers that I know only he can answer.

 

A day before he upped and left he told me he loved me, the next day he tells me he just cared for me...just really want the answers and I think it would make things easier.

[bluechocolate]

It's sounds like you're doing much better. Good for you.

 

You'll get there !!

[beejsea2]

Sometimes it's two steps forward, three steps back. I realize that I didn't do anything wrong the last time we talked he was talking about things that could be fixed,but if asking his opinion about something and than asking someone else for their opinion is so awful than I guess I'm guilty! I talked to him on Saturday morning...when I came home Sunday he was gone and nothing has made sense since!

 

But I'll keep on living...I just want to know that he's alright!

[beejsea2]

Having a real hard time lately. All I really want to know is that he's alright and he hasn't called or emailed. He said he cared for me...but why doesn't he at least let me know that he's fine. I'm not going to beg him to come back..it's to late for that but I do want to know that he' okay.

 

Last night I tossed and turned the entire night thinking of him and wishing he'd contact me!

[bluechocolate]

Turn it around a bit.

 

He is not the least bit concerned that YOU ARE OK - is he?

 

...why should I care it's not like he's tried to get in touch with me.

 

I can only imagine how difficult this is. You had 4 years together & obviously you were in love with him & it stands to reason that you are concerned about him, but he chose to run away without a word & he's choosing not to contact you. He's an adult - he can take of himself and you need to concentrate on taking care of yourself.

 

Your family & friends are helping you, trust that his are doing the same for him.

[jamwinswim]

I hope this helps somewhat. Me and my ex, we broke up at the end of August, and since then, things have been pretty ice cold between us. I was in your ship - why doesnt she call? doesnt she care? does she have no feelings for me? Until a week ago, this ate me up huge, because I had no answers - and when that happens, you make a bad situation seem alot worse.

 

Last week, we finally spoke where she had let her guard down. She apologized for making me feel this bad, and said she didnt want to hurt me, that she did care, but that she did not know how to react to me (after the breakup). I said to her that we needed time apart (although it killed me) because we couldnt jump into a friendship straight out of a relationship, and she agreed.

 

Basically, the problem with my ex was not that she didnt care, but she didnt know how to react or treat me, so the only thing she could do was close the door. She didnt know how that affected me, but it was the only way she could continue trying to be herself i guess.

 

I think that if he does care, he probably doesnt know how to approach you and talk to you because he only really knows u now as a significant other. If he doesnt care for you at all, then you have to ask yourself "why should i let someone who doesnt care about me upset me?" easier said than done, especially with the emotions involved. Give him time too - just embrace your grieving right now. Dont force it. He's obviously got something going on in his head because he ran away - will you ever know? Maybe, maybe not - but try and focus on the positives. Put it this way - if one of your friends was treating you like shi*, you wouldnt wait on them and act nice to them. It should be the same here. Keep strong girl.

[Urban Rubble01]

Hey beejea !

 

I was just stopping in to say I empathize totally. It's only been about 6 weeks for me. But it's a somewhat similar situation. My girlfriend and I were together about 3.5 years. Totally in love. We've always been an "exceptional" couple. Fighting was extremely rare, we never played games, great communication. We've known each other for like 8 years, we were always great friends. I know it's cliche, but she really was my best friend. I love her more than anything.

 

There were no problems that I could see. Nothing major changed. We were still totally happy, totally loving, great sex, still talking casually about marriage like always. So for 2 weeks before this I was thinking somthing was up. Something just seemes weird. I thought it was nothing, but I brought it up anyway. She tells me she needs space, we need a break. She loves me as much as she did, she wants to be together, but she needs time apart.

 

It's hard when it's so out of the blue you know ? I mean, at least if she had cheated on me or I had pushed her away, I'd be able to see the causes, I'd know that she wasn't coming back and that would be it. But this way, I don't have any idea what went wrong, if anything. I don't know why she left. I don't know if she's coming back at the end of the school year or if she is just trying to ease off of me gradually.

 

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to tell you that I feel exactly the same ! I wake up at night and cry. She's the first thing on my mind before I go to sleep and when I wake up. It's physically painful to think that I may never get a chance to hold her again, to kiss her forehead and to have her tell me everything is going to be O.K. That is the scariest thought in the world. It's hard, but I think that as long as one doesn't do anything stupid (hurt themselves) that they will get over it with time. In my case, I feel like I'll never get over her, but once I figure out if she's going to come back or not, I'll start to heal. As it stands now, I'm in limbo.

[aJoy]

I hope it's getting better for you....

 

I remember asking and searching the internet for the same answer about... um... let's see... bout four months ago... I was going crazy trying to find answers, trying to put the broken peices of myself back together... and yeah, i agree: "the first cut is the deepest"... I'd never been in love before this one and with him telling me things like "we're one person" "we're the same person" I thought he was feeling exactly the way I was, but in time I learned that he wasn't feeling anything really, just talking a bunch of smack. Anyway, we've been completely over now for five or six months and I'm JUST now getting to the over it and moving on part.

 

I can't tell you when you'll be over it... I know that even though right now I'm "over it" and no contact is in full effect, I still hurt from time to time. I definitely still think of him... a lot reminds me of him, I wonder if he really loved me or not, or if he's at all remorseful that we didn't work out, if he misses me... blah blah blah... and when I have these thoughts sometimes it's kind of overwhelming and it makes me cry a little but I'm at a point now where I can shake it off and push certain thoughts out of my head. What is prevalent is the fact that he chose to mistreat me and he took me for granted...

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a hard time, it is natural though. And I can say for sure that it makes you a hell of a lot stronger a wiser. When you allow yourself to be "whole" again you'll look back and be somewhat grateful for the experience and the proud that you made it through because only you know how bad it was. I can't tell you how rough the last few months have been on me, how depressed and crazy I'd become. I didn't even want my friends around anymore, I didn't want anything or anyone, but him for so long... I didn't want to answer my phone and talk to anyone anymore because I had nothing to say, I was hurting physically, mentally, emotionally... I really had lost myself because I'd given so much to him... but you need to take time to rebuild. THat's the healing part, you have to be proactive and take the time to get yourself back together, then you'll be over it and then you'll know "how long it takes". Please, force yourself to eat... seriously, you can get ulcers and acid reflux and all kinds of crazy sh** happening to you if you stop eating ( I know ), even if it's something small, make yourself eat. I never had been so heart broken before so I had to find out how to get better... I tried some self help books... I'll try to get some titles of any ones I found helpful later on. I listen to a lot of music to drown out the noise in my head... and then, I listened to nothing because I just wanted peace and quiet. I cried, a lot... like a mad woman, I'd wake up crying, go to sleep crying, watch tv crying... take a trip to the bathroom at work to do some more crying. Oy, the horror.

 

Then, towards the end i had these little ceremonies, I threw away everything of his that I had (except the really nice stuff I got as gifts of course) i ripped up pictures, I even threw away any lingerie that I bought to wear only for him (ripped them up and threw them in the garbage).. I made a list of all the things I didn't like about him, it's surprisingly long. I prayed for strength and I finally talked to my friends until they were sick of hearing it.

 

Time... that pissed me off to hear when I was hurting, "it takes time"... I wanted to punch anyone in the face who told me it takes time... but they were right. Also, I hated hearing that, "you just need to concentrate on yourself", "just do what's right for you"... It aggravated me to no end... but it's all very true. I felt for a while that I just wasn't good enough and that's why he didn't want to be with me, he wanted other girls, he wanted someone prettier, he wanted someone 'cooler' and it killed my self esteem... but I got a grip, I remembered what I thought of myself the 21 years before he came into my life and I stopped thinking of what he needed and decided if I wasn't it, then fine, someone else wants it and someone else will appreciate me... I don't have time to waste on someone who doesnt want me. But anyway, while I was thinking that I wasn't good enough to keep him, that I did something to make him change his mind about all the things he was saying we were, I decided that I would have to become the best I could be. So that's my focus right now... being the best person I can absolutely be for myself.. .that means, if I have to be a selfish b**ch, then I'll be that, so long as I'm happy and I'm acheiving my goals then I'm gonna be alright..

 

I hope my little recap of my hellacious past few months (actually year if you count the hell he put me through the crappy part of the actual relationship) helps you at all... I'll try to get a list of books and such posted for ya laters on......

 

STAY STRONG!!! You're a good person and you're loved by those who count (your family and friends)... it sounds cheesy but it's true...

[beejsea2]

It's been three weeks since he left while I was gone for the weekend. I think I'm in the anger stage...I'm mad that he was a coward and couldn't talk to me face to face. Angry that he thought he could take all the stuff I bought and paid for...for "US." I'm angry that he can't put up the phone and call and see if I'm alright or even email me.

 

My family and friends have been wonderful!! I'm in counseling and I know that I'm doing the things to take care of me.

 

I still haven't been able to sleep the night through...but in due time I know I will.

 

Like my sister told me this weekend I will never know the truth to why he left...I could call his family but I know that they'll protect him and I'll still be without the answers.

[DESI]

This kind of story sadly seems all too common. You definately sound like me! I could not sleep, eat, lost 15lbs, cried constantly, called my parents up crying, wanted to drop out of college, couldn't concentrate, couldn't sometimes get out of bed, felt like I wasn't good enough for him.

 

He also left me without any real explanation. I still haven't had any contact, and I feel like I too need answers for closure. It has ruined my self esteem.

 

Its great that your already in counseling, infact you sound better then I did after a couple of weeks. You are doing a great job, and keep your head up.

 

Coming on LoveShack has definately helped me tons, my parents ask me how this can help me, and they think it does less harm then good, but I disagree. This makes me feel like I am not alone, and whenever I read a post about an ex calling, I stop reading, because that makes me feel bad.

 

After 2 years, and my ex never calls Just doesn't make any sense, but you seem to have a good support system. That is great, my support system often got mad at me, for crying so much. My brother also stopped talking to me, because it was that bad.

 

I can't say it gets better, I haven't found that yet, but I do cry less. I just feel like now I am a vombie, and I go to school and work and there is nothing much that I do. I have nothing to look forward to. I too spent all my free time with him, and arranged my whole school and work around him so that we could spend time together.

 

We are all in this together, and one day it will get better. I often tell myself that remember in life sometimes your ahead and sometimes your behind. And my brother used to tell me If everything isn't alright then it isnt the end.

 

Be strong, and let us know how things are going. You do sound like you are making great process. Also you said you were in therapy but are you taking meds also? I have been considering it, because my depression at times have gotten so bad over it.

[beejsea2]

I haven't taken any drugs yet....I'm hoping that I won't have to...but lately I've been having anxiety attacks. I guess the thing that really pisses me off is that he left when I was out of town and left a note that made no sense.

 

I'm so tempted to call his mom or sisters but I know that they wouldn't give me any information. After four years you'd think that he'd call just to make sure that I was okay...but now I have to look back at all the lies he told me in the final week we were together and that makes me question who he was and did I every really know him.

 

I'm trying to be strong but I won't lie last night I sat and cried for about a 1/2 hr than I got mad!! Mad that he did all this to me, my family is mad..my sister liked him alot but like she told me this weekend he ran off instead of talk to me and tell me what was going on(found out the day after he left he was fired from his job) she said he was a coward and "had no balls."

 

He left me with some bills and I have no idea where he is to try and recoup the money. He also took things from the house...I don't care so much about that ...

 

This site has helped me out alot too!! There are alot of people going through what I'm going through and it helps...this way I don't have to rely on my family and friends for all my support. I have another session this afternoon and I'm going to inquire about some kind of group therapy...

 

So for all of you in the same boat as me...there is a light at the end of the tunnel and don't expect and instant fix...just not going to happen. Just be true to yourself.

[beejsea2]

These last two days have been horrible for me....I cry at the slightest thought of him!! This morning I was having a panic attack at work when the boss walked in...thank God that she's understanding...she went through a really bad break-up years ago and knows what I'm going through.

 

I still haven't heard from him and I'm beginning to think that I never will. I reconnected with some girl friends that I've spaced off due to spending all my time with him and making him happy. My one girlfriend was wonderful. She said that we'll do lunch go out for coffee or call me if you just want to talk...I apologized to her for being such a terrible friend and she was like never mind I'm here for you now!!

 

My question is how can I quit thinking about him at night so I can sleep?? I tried the calm scene that the counselor recommended but nothing helps...I lay in bed all night and I'm totally exhausted...I'm eating one meal a day and that's an improvement over no meals for almost 2 weeks.

 

I've found that talking about it really seems to help...this place helps alot too!

[jamwinswim]

Venting and talking about it is part of the release. It helps - of course it does. But the biggest you shouldnt do is ask questions? Honestly, think about it for a second..... Why this, why that? How Come? What If? Let me ask you a question - Will you get any answers right now? And the answer is no. Does that put you at peace? Hell no, of course you want answers, but you're making that part alot worse, like a downward spiral, by keeping on thinking about those negative thoughts. Its terrible living without the answer, but you're still living.

 

I do feel for you, but keep trying to get a grip. If you keep thinking about the past, and asking the questions of why? You have to admit, its reinforced negative thinking. I do it still, but I try to control myself. Its incredibly tough to do, but the situation is only as bad as you perceive it, and is as bad as you make it. I'm not trying to be harsh on you, just honest (real friends don't try and blur the picture, they give it as it is).

 

For the sleep thing, that is a tough thing, that will pass with time. I can remember those sleepless nights. Now I just go to sleep thinking "another nite alone". It'll pass - I would say think about something else, but thinking at night just keeps the brain up. If anything, make yourself physically tired so you have to sleep. For example, go work out every morning at 530, 6am for an hour or two, and a good work out at that. When it comes to 7,8,9 at night, you'll be naturally exhausted. Im just trying to shoot ideas your way. And it might be a good way to meet new people, or to take care of yourself and your body and make yourself into a newer, fitter person!

 

Just keep being strong. Keep writing on here, keep talking to friends. Embrace this pain right now, do not fight it. Just like if its meant to be, this pain will heal when it is time.

[beejsea2]

Thanks for the response. I broke down and cried to my mom and the phone again last night. She asked why I was having a bad week and I really couldn't pin point anything.

 

I feel as if I'm regressing...I was doing so well now I'm crying more than I did the first week that he left. I guess he feels the NC is the right way to go, but I feel after 4 years I deserve more than a letter he left behind when left. Two days prior to him leaving we were out on a date and he telling me he loved me...I guess that's what so hard nothing makes sense.

 

I know that some day I'll think of him and tears won't flow but right now it's so painful. Sometimes I wish I could see my counselor more than once a week...like everyday!! LOL

 

I guess being blind sided like I was is what makes this so difficult. We weren't fighting and there was no indication that he was unhappy. Two days before we left we were out shopping talking about things we wanted to get for the house...now I question all that and the fact that he was lying to me to keep in dark for his true intentions a few days later.

 

Sorry if this post is a bunch of rambling but I need to get over him...and it's not going well this week!!

[Just Visiting]

Beejsea.....I went through the same things when my ex left without any warning. We had no big fights, nothing. Next thing I know....he is gone and reconciling with his ex and two kids. He never gave a clue of what he was thinking, feeling, etc. Just up and left. That hurt deeply. If he was able to sit down and tell me what he wanted, the pain wouldn't have been so bad, or lasted so long.

 

I have been on that roller coaster for the past 1.5 years. Now my thoughts and heart are finally starting to calm down. You need to go through that ride to understand why things happen in your life. Just yesterday morning, my mind was going all over the place again in regards to my ex. Anger, sadness, pain, etc. Then in my mind I prayed, "please lord, save me from myself". And it clicked. How my ex behaved is done with. He got what he wanted. My reaction to his behaviour has ruled my life. It's time to stop going down that road of misery.

 

Continue to vent to the forum, family, friends, counsellors...whatever. Keep talking till you are tired of talking about it. Read books, research the internet. Learn everything you can about yourself and others. It's amazing what you can find.

 

Take heart Beejsea. What happened with your ex is going to take time. Then you will be done with it. I read a post yesterday that also confirmed the situation. People who leave others in a cowardly, immature way are too scared to own up to their actions. This is why they won't contact you, or will try to make you look like the bad person. Because when it comes down to it, they know they have behaved badly and talking to you is a reminder of that.

[beejsea2]

Just Visiting thanks for the reply

 

I guess the hardest part is that in the letter that he left he said that we were not good for each other yet there was no indication from him that he was unhappy. When he moved in with me over four years ago he had little to show for the past 39 years of his life.

 

When he packed up the U-Hal and left he had a top of the line stereo equipment, speakers the works all bought and paid for by ME!! He left me a TV of his but he made it sound like he was doing me a favor.

 

I should be mad and there are times that I'm mad but than there I fall into the same trap of being weepy and heart broken. Just this morning a co-worker asked if I had heard form him when I told her no I could tell that she felt bad for me...no one understands what he was thinking!!

 

I guess I need to face up to the realization that he's not going to email, he's not going to call....

 

He acted strange the last time I talked to him because he was already packing the U-Hal!! He said he loved me than he said no I don't, when I questioned him he lied and said we was going to work!! The last thing this man that I shared over 4 years of my life did was lie to me!!!! Alot of my friends said he wouldn't have stayed so long if he just cared for me...I guess I'm just so confused!!!

 

I just want to feel alive again...to sleep more than a couple hours to eat a meal and not getting sick afterwards!

[Just Visiting]

Beejsea...yeah I hear ya. My ex told other people of how he wanted his family back, and that was all he had been thinking of for weeks. For weeks!! Geez man....clue me in here instead of acting like what we had was the greatest thing next to sliced bread. Like I said before, if they didn't leave in such a cowardly fashion and just be honest with us, then it wouldn't be so difficult.

 

I lost 17 pounds when he left and had a difficult time sleeping. But I got out of that as time rode by. Take it day by day.