bnakach Posted November 10, 2004 Share Posted November 10, 2004 Hey girl, I'm so proud of you. You are very strong to follow through with this. I, my self am going through hell trying to figure out what my ex wants to do. I mean he says he loves me and wants to be with me, but then his actions say the opposite. I just can't stand the fact that he might be out there looking for someone to replace me. I don't think it'll be possible, since him and I have so much in common and we enjoy the same things for example fishing, that is something he always does and I don't see any girls out here that have a passion for it as I do. But anyhooo hope he doesn't realize it too late when I've already moved on. So where did you get help from? Did you do it through work, is it expensive to get help. What made you realize that you needed help? I wish you the best in what your doing. B Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted November 10, 2004 Author Share Posted November 10, 2004 Where I work we have EAP (Employee Assistance Program) they offer short term counseling and make referrals for long term counseling. I have gone four times and yesterday I told my counselor that she needs to start to look for a referral for me that I'm not ready to do this on my own. I will now have to pay for my visits which will be either $30 or $60 depending if the counselor is on a preferred provider list..my counselor now will most likely get me someone that will cost $30 a visit. I got help right away after my ex left. He left on a Sunday and I had my first appointment on Wed. I went for help because I knew that this was going to be hard and I didn't want to have to depend on my family or friends too much because after a while they get tired of hearing me talk and I knew a counselor wouldn't me emotionally charged like family and friends and offer me an UN-bias opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
bnakach Posted November 10, 2004 Share Posted November 10, 2004 Thanx. I'm going to chech with my employer and see what kind of help I can get. I work at a Bank, and I know that all they offer is help after a robbery so we'll see. I'm kind of emberassed to have to ask for counseling for boyfriend issues. I mean they know I went through a divorce which I didn't need help with, and now I need one to get over my ex. I don't know. Where do you live? Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted November 10, 2004 Author Share Posted November 10, 2004 I live in Nebr and most states or places of employment have some kind of short term EAP...sure there where years ago that nobody talked about these things. The work place is changing and employees have come to realize that the personal lives of employees effect the work done at the work place. If your company does not offer some kind of program, look around in your community to see if there are groups to deal with coping etc. There's help out there for you..you have to want it. I want and need it so I can move on and have a good life...that was the last thing my ex said was for me to have a good life...so I need to let go because he made it clear that he was running away! Link to post Share on other sites
bnakach Posted November 10, 2004 Share Posted November 10, 2004 Well thanks a lot. It seems like your a strong individual, and it makes me think twice about me, if you and other girls can do it, so can I right! Well I'm going to do some researching. you have a good day or night whatever yur case may be. And thanks for the advice. I'm pretty sure I need the help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted November 10, 2004 Author Share Posted November 10, 2004 Well I'm trying to be strong. It's taken me awhile to realize that my ex leaving had nothing to do with me but had to do with the reasons he was fired from a good job....whatever he did like I told my counselor I couldn't see him doing something to get fired...but he only showed me the person that he wanted me to know not the total package!! Just vent here if you need to...none of us here need to let another person control our lives or our emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted November 11, 2004 Author Share Posted November 11, 2004 Last night I slept the best since my ex left. I was doing laundry and came across some of his things, High School Diploma, other certificates etc. I found some stuff that made me really question who he really was...lets just say he always kept certain things to himself and I saw him in a different light. Can it be possible to live with someone for 4 years and not really know them?? He was very loving and kind..but the last day I talked with him and the phone message on Sunday were completely a different person. Last night I sat and thought about all of this and I guess it made me blame myself less but than it was angry that I could live with someone for four years and not really know them! Anyone else go through this same kind of revelation? Link to post Share on other sites
Sukotto Posted November 11, 2004 Share Posted November 11, 2004 I think he's probably thinking of you and he's in denial that it was his fault. Its easier to be angry at someone than admit that you were to blame for the problems. I've seen my ex in a completely different light since we broke up, its now been 6 weeks since she ended it. While we were going out she would always say that she never wanted me out of her life even if we did break up at some point and well that was a complete lie. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 weeks now, she chats on MSN to me but well thats not really a conversation. When I read her letters I think about how much she's changed and wonder if I really knew her, she cheated on me when she was on holiday with friends and well two weeks after that she broke it off. I found out about this guy two weeks after we broke up and that crushed me. I realised at that point she had changed. Never before had she lied to me in all of the 2.5 years. I now realised there was no hope for reconcilliation and I've since started changing stuff for me and I'm happy with the no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted November 11, 2004 Author Share Posted November 11, 2004 Well we've been in complete NC, since I have no idea where he is...he called Sunday when he knew I'd be gone and left a message on my answering machine. I know in my head that this break-up is not because of me or anything I did but my heart still aches. The letter he left he said that we were not good for each other, never once did he have any complaints about our relationship...but it was a ruse because the day after he left I found out the week before he was terminated from his job. I guess I should interpret the letter as he is not good for me!! I'm calmer when I think of him now and I'm not falling to pieces. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted November 12, 2004 Author Share Posted November 12, 2004 Why is to some days I'm so okay with my ex running off but today it's just been so difficult. Why does he have to be so secretive and not let me know where he is, won't give me an address a number or even talk to me on the phone...leaving messages on the answering machine...why does he go out of his way to avoid me?? He said he cared..but if you cared wouldn't you at least talk to the person and not leave voice mail messages?? I guess I've fallen into another rut today... Link to post Share on other sites
jamwinswim Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 Positive self talk and constructive thinking is what you need to do in days like these - is it tough? hell yeah. You will have good days, some great days, some bad days, and some hell days. But think about what you're thinking about (if that makes sense) - A focus is being made on the past, on the reasons, questions in your head about why? what? how? - All things that can't be answered today, and would probably serve little satisfaction if they were answered. Got a favourite coffee? Maybe ice cream, or milkshake? Smoothie? Go get it - turn up some loud music. If you're at work.... ick - be thankful its FRIDAY! Think positive things. Like its almost thanksgiving, which means good food and good sales shopping. Think about some new clothes to get. I know things will remind you of him. I took a shower this morning (i always do lol) and looked in the mirror and reminded myself of how much my ex loved, as she described it, the v shape on my body - talk about trying to escape reminders lol. But I try and turn that into a positive, and think about it as a compliment. You will have good days, you'll have terrible days, but you're in control of yourself, and your future, so reach out with both hands, and GRAB IT. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted November 12, 2004 Author Share Posted November 12, 2004 Thanks Jam, This week was so good, until this morning!! I know that I have to keep moving on!! It hasn't even been a month and I know that it will take much longer. I guess I hate the fact that I take two steps forward and than I take three steps back. Am I better without him?? Yeah I have more money...no more shopping trips etc with me always footing the bill. I guess I made it too easy for him...money was tight for him paying child support, car payment so he knew that I would always give him what he wanted... All my friends tell me what a kind, caring and loving person that I am, I guess what bothers me is if the past 4 years he look at this relationship as a "free" ride that there were never any feelings for me. I know it's one day at a time... Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted November 15, 2004 Author Share Posted November 15, 2004 Well I know where my ex went to....back to his ex wife!! A friend asked me where I thought he was and I said his sisters or his ex wife. Well she called his ex wife's number and talked to his son and was told his dad wouldn't be home until 5pm. I know that he never talked to his ex that much and she recently took back her maiden name so I'm sure she's letting him stay there for a while for his son's sake. Or he could be there on the weekends only. All I know now is that he has lied so much to me that I'm not even sure who the man I spent the last four years with was. I keep finding things that he left behind and I'm finding things that contradict things that he was told me over the years. I know that he was fired from his job but I bet anything that he didn't tell his ex that he was fired, plus I bet he told her I threw him out... It's closing on a month that he left and he only contacted me about money....so much for caring about me!! I guess he just has a different way of showing people that he cares! Link to post Share on other sites
bnakach Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 BJ, I feel for you. It's hard finding out that the person you loved could do so much to hurt you, and all youi did was love this person unconditionally. I'm sorry you had to go through this. But you will thank him in the long run once you get over him, he wasn't good for you. We all deserve to be treated good. Try to stay busy, change your schedule around. I'm coping by going to the gym, and on weekends I fish. Of course when I fish it reminds me of him because he is the one who introduced me to it. I am doing good though, I learned to hate him for doing this to me. I'm sure you'll feel the same way for a while. But good luck to you girl. Wish you nothing but the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted November 15, 2004 Author Share Posted November 15, 2004 Thanks for the reply!! I keep a journal I've been reading it and my attitude has changed in the last month. I have to accept the fact that I probably never knew the "real" him and I need to just move on!! I've been keeping busy working and I'm going back to the gym. I'm sleeping the night through now the only thing that I really haven't been able to do is eat...I still have no appetite!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted November 16, 2004 Author Share Posted November 16, 2004 Please tell me why some friends who want to "help" you, end up hurting you? A GF called me this morning to see how I was doing. I told her I was doing better but still had my moments...and than she starts saying things like my ex probably had a history of running out on relationships that he used me for the past four years etc etc. I know she was trying to help but it was like someone picking a scab of a wound!! Now all these conflicted feelings are back and I'm blaming myself again...which I know none of this is my fault!! She's been very helpful but this morning she's really helped me get depressed again! Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 You're right - in her mind she probably thinks she's helping you by painting him as a scum-bag (which, coinciedentally, you've already figured out)but she is certainly going about it the wrong way. Just tell her that you appreciate her efforts & explain to her nicely what you've written here: I know she was trying to help but it was like someone picking a scab of a wound!! Now all these conflicted feelings are back and I'm blaming myself again...which I know none of this is my fault!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted November 16, 2004 Author Share Posted November 16, 2004 I guess I've been overly emotional today since it was a month ago today that I last talked to my ex. He lied and told me he was going to be late for work...said he loved me. The next day I come home and he's gone and a note saying he doesn't love me. I know the wounds are still fresh only being a month but I want to stop feeling this way!! I want to stop feeling sick to my stomach and depressed. It's been really hard at night to be in the empty house...but I know I have to stick it out and some day this will all be behind me!! Link to post Share on other sites
DESI Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 Beejees It has only been a month for you and you are doing so good. You have already realized that this has nothing to do with you. It has been 6 months for me and I am just starting to realize that it wasn't my fault. You said that when you were going through your exes stuff you have found things that have contradicted waht he has said to you before. The same thing happened to me, after we broke up I realized all the lies he had told me. Him talking to his ex girlfriend etc... I also feel like I have never known him at all. My ex also told me we were never good for eachother, even though he never once had any complaints and always told me how much he loved me. It's so strange to think about what is going on in these guys heads. You sound so strong, and you are definately making progress. The stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance you I believe have already gone through all of these stages. If you feel like you are accepting one day, and then you regress to depression, that is normal. These stages can go around and around, one day you can be in denial, and the next you can accept. You are so much better then him, you already know it. In your posts before you said I should take him leaving as him saying I am not good enough for you. That is a great way to look at it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted November 16, 2004 Author Share Posted November 16, 2004 Desi, Thanks for the words of encouragement!! In my head I'm so angry and I know that I did nothing wrong!! But that stupid thing called a heart is just not letting go...for some reason my heart wants to hang on to him...why I do not know! I guess maybe the hardest thing is to come to the realization that I never really knew the man!! I should be furious that he left me with bills and unanswered questions...but my heart still aches for him. Last night I'd get angry and curse him out loud and than I'd feel better....today I guess the realization that I'll never hear from him and I guess the worse part is I'll never know the truth!! All I know is that he has little to show for the 43 yrs of his life. He has a car (not yet paid for) and some clothes and all the items that I bought for the house he took. He has no retirement plans nothing for his future and I know that I have alot and that I'll continue growing. Basically I know I'm better off...I guess it's like when someone dies...it comes to a point that you accept they're never coming back and I guess today it hit me like a brick!! I guess that's why I love this forum...it gives me a chance to be stupid ever once and a while!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted November 17, 2004 Author Share Posted November 17, 2004 Today is one month since my bf walked out on me. I know that I'm better off without him, the lies, the secrets...my head knows all this but my heart is hurting so much. Why is it that I've caught him in all these lies after he left, he was terminated from his job yet all I can think about is if he's okay?? I know that he's back staying at his ex wife's house...because of his son and all...so why should I care?? Last night I cried my eyes out and than I was okay the rest of the night and slept like a baby...I wake up and my first thoughts are of him and if he's okay. How long will it take my heart to catch up with my brain?? Link to post Share on other sites
Just Visiting Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Bee...again, it has only been a month. It is going to take time before your heart matches your head. I know you want to be over it but it won't happen overnight. Don't be so hard on yourself. That guy was a weiner. You know that, we all know that. Everyone here knows what it is like to be deceived in one way or another. Cry, get angry, seek counselling...anything to help you get through this difficult time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted November 17, 2004 Author Share Posted November 17, 2004 I guess I'm having a hard time this week because my counselor is presenting a paper at a conference and we can't meet this week....I don't want to say I'm dependent on her but it helps so much having someone neutral to talk to about all this. I know I'm better off without him I just need to keep remembering all the things! Link to post Share on other sites
jamwinswim Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Beejsea, Where you are at is normal. Trust me, Im going through something which is no way as bad as yours, but I still wake up and think of her, go to sleep think of her etc etc. And the evidence is there for me to see now that she isn't as awesome a person as I thought she is. Heres food for thought? Do you miss him the person? Or Himthe relationship? Its tough, and I know dwelling on the past puts you into more of a rut, but remember, it is the past, and what is done is done. The heart will hurt, so embrace this pain for as long as it takes - hours, days, weeks, months - it is entirely natural. Its like a death in the family, but worse - losing someone so close and important to you. But you got to remember, you are YOU at the end of the day, and as this door is now closing, you have an exciting future ahead of you. Why is it exciting? Cause you never know what may be around the corner? (unless you're psychic). Link to post Share on other sites
Author beejsea2 Posted November 17, 2004 Author Share Posted November 17, 2004 Jam Thanks for the reply. When I think about him I guess I miss having someone around...we had alot of fun doing things together and I guess that's why I don't understand him saying that we weren't good together. Three days before he left we went out and I asked me if he was having a good time and he said yes...I told him I love you and he replied I love you too! I know that I have to forget about all of that because it could have all been lies just to keep me in the dark to his true intentions!! I know I'll be okay...in fact I'm alot better today than I was a month ago when he left!! I guess the fact that where I'm at is dark and gloomy with rain today makes me blue! Link to post Share on other sites
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