IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I had a substance abuse problem. Me and her have been friends for 15 years...She was my best best friend. When she knew i had a problem, she didn't help me get clean. She said she needed distance until she was ready to talk again. A real friend would have helped me get clean. Now that I am sober...she still hasn't spoken to me. If your best friend needs help..would your best friend keep her distance or try to get me help. It all started by me texting her that If i dont text her..I would never hear from her...before that text, I asked her if she was mad at me and she said no. Should I cut ties with her? A real friend would have helped me through this difficult time I was going through. Instead she kept her distance. Should I contact her? Saying what? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 (edited) " a real friend would have helped me get clean." only you can do that - how can it be any other way? the fact is that she can not help you, if you want to be an addict, and to be a bit of a burden to her, it is your choice, not hers, I would run from this situation too, srs, Edited July 12, 2013 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 "Had a problem" implies you are in recovery. That's where addicts work on their behavior-of-addiction. You are still using your friend by expecting her to be involved w your addiction recovery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Maybe I phrased it incorrectly...she didn't help me by contacting my husband asking how they can get me help...If your best friend would rather keep her distance than help me..is that a real friend? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 The answer is here... Step #8 Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Through your addiction you have created this scenario, it isn't her fault that she decided to wash her hands of your addiction, it is your responsibility, own it and make amends to her. on a side note.. congrats on getting clean...^5 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Ross MwcFan Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I had a substance abuse problem. Me and her have been friends for 15 years...She was my best best friend. When she knew i had a problem, she didn't help me get clean. She said she needed distance until she was ready to talk again. A real friend would have helped me get clean. Now that I am sober...she still hasn't spoken to me. If your best friend needs help..would your best friend keep her distance or try to get me help. It all started by me texting her that If i dont text her..I would never hear from her...before that text, I asked her if she was mad at me and she said no. Should I cut ties with her? A real friend would have helped me through this difficult time I was going through. Instead she kept her distance. Should I contact her? Saying what? You should cut ties with her. A real friend wouldn't ditch you when you really needed help and support. Not only could her being there for you and supporting you have helped you get clean (as long as you wanted to get clean, but really, who would not want to get clean and continue having an addiction to something that is destroying them?), but her deserting you would have made it more likely for you to turn to your addiction because of sadness and needing comforting. Kinda like how a depressed fat person eats more for comfort after being bullied for being fat. If she get's back in contact with you tell her where to get off and that what she did was totally wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ross MwcFan Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 (edited) The answer is here... Step #8 Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Through your addiction you have created this scenario, it isn't her fault that she decided to wash her hands of your addiction, it is your responsibility, own it and make amends to her. on a side note.. congrats on getting clean...^5 It's not her respnsibilty as she didn't force her friend to desert her. It's her friends responsibility because she made the decision herself to desert her. Absolutley disgusting behaviour. Edited July 12, 2013 by Ross MwcFan Link to post Share on other sites
Ross MwcFan Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 (edited) "Had a problem" implies you are in recovery. That's where addicts work on their behavior-of-addiction. You are still using your friend by expecting her to be involved w your addiction recovery. It's only using if she wasn't really her friend and only wanted her there to help with recovery. That's what real friends are for, not only to socialise with but to help and support each other through the tough times. Edited July 12, 2013 by Ross MwcFan 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ross MwcFan Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 " a real friend would have helped me get clean." only you can do that - how can it be any other way? the fact is that she can not help you, if you want to be an addict, and to be a bit of a burden to her, it is your choice, not hers, I would run from this situation too, srs, Out of curiosity, if you had a son or daughter who needed help with getting clean, would you just kick them out onto the street? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 (edited) Out of curiosity, if you had a son or daughter who needed help with getting clean, would you just kick them out onto the street? this is not what the OP is saying, in fact where are her family in all this? srs With family you have the right to expect mothering, which still wont get OP clean. Only OP can do that for herself. OP is planning on being a burden to her friend, I minced my words when I said a bit of a burden, okay be sympathetic, that is natural, but planning on dumping on them can only be handled up to a point. I have let two friends burden me, each for a year straight, one was random twice a day phone calls, could be from eight in the morning eleven at night, am self-employed at home, neither friend saw that I could not handle their problems. Or cared about the impact of their negativity, It turned traumatising, being endlessly leaned on, tbh, endlessly moaned at. It wrecked my mind and was traumatising. I now you do't want to hear this, but this is what being burdened does. Worse was to come. They saw me as strong and them as weak, which I only realized later, hence the lack of two way traffic, when their problems were over. So you see I have been burned, twice. Edited July 12, 2013 by darkmoon 2 Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 OP---when you immersed in your addiction--were you there for HER? Or was your main focus on getting your next fix of whatever your substance was? I've been that good, supportive, loyal friend to people with substance abuse/alcohol addictions.... I gave up endless hours of my time, providing a sympathetic ear, and practical support to friends who created their own drama, because of the addiction. And when it was MY turn, when I needed support---I got *crickets*. Or dismissed with, "get over it already, I don't have time for your stuff...":mad: Being in any relationship with someone with addiction issues is exhausting, draining, heartbreaking---and ultimately one-sided. There's no healthy reciprocity. Give your friend plenty of space right now, while you focus on your own healing. She's requested that, and if you try to guilt-trip her, or shame her you'll only drive her further away. My hope is ---the further you get in your recovery process, the greater clarity you will have regarding your relationships with others. Focus on YOU right now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ross MwcFan Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 this is not what the OP is saying, in fact where are her family in all this? srs With family you have the right to expect mothering, which still wont get OP clean. Only OP can do that for herself. OP is planning on being a burden to her friend, I minced my words when I said a bit of a burden, okay be sympathetic, that is natural, but planning on dumping on them can only be handled up to a point. I have let two friends burden me, each for a year straight, one was random twice a day phone calls, could be from eight in the morning eleven at night, am self-employed at home, neither friend saw that I could not handle their problems. Or cared about the impact of their negativity, It turned traumatising, being endlessly leaned on, tbh, endlessly moaned at. It wrecked my mind and was traumatising. I now you do't want to hear this, but this is what being burdened does. Worse was to come. They saw me as strong and them as weak, which I only realized later, hence the lack of two way traffic, when their problems were over. So you see I have been burned, twice. I know it's not what the OP is saying, I was just curious that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Ross MwcFan Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 (edited) Just want to say, sorry if I've sounded harsh in this topic, but sometimes I get really annoyed with the things that people say/the attitudes that a lot of people have on here. OP---when you immersed in your addiction--were you there for HER? Or was your main focus on getting your next fix of whatever your substance was? I've been that good, supportive, loyal friend to people with substance abuse/alcohol addictions.... I gave up endless hours of my time, providing a sympathetic ear, and practical support to friends who created their own drama, because of the addiction. And when it was MY turn, when I needed support---I got *crickets*. Or dismissed with, "get over it already, I don't have time for your stuff...":mad: Being in any relationship with someone with addiction issues is exhausting, draining, heartbreaking---and ultimately one-sided. There's no healthy reciprocity. Give your friend plenty of space right now, while you focus on your own healing. She's requested that, and if you try to guilt-trip her, or shame her you'll only drive her further away. My hope is ---the further you get in your recovery process, the greater clarity you will have regarding your relationships with others. Focus on YOU right now. Seriously you can't expect someone who is addicted to be there for someone else, it's you who needs to be there for them not the other way around. The question you should ask is, if they weren't addicted, would they be there for the other person? Unless someone wouldn't be there for me if it was the other way around, and unless they were actually getting totally out of hand, like abusing me, then if they were one of my real friends, I'd totally be there for them always, and stick it through with them. That's what real friends do. Edited July 12, 2013 by Ross MwcFan Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 (edited) I had a substance abuse problem. Me and her have been friends for 15 years...She was my best best friend. When she knew i had a problem, she didn't help me get clean. She said she needed distance until she was ready to talk again. A real friend would have helped me get clean. Now that I am sober...she still hasn't spoken to me. If your best friend needs help..would your best friend keep her distance or try to get me help. It all started by me texting her that If i dont text her..I would never hear from her...before that text, I asked her if she was mad at me and she said no. Should I cut ties with her? A real friend would have helped me through this difficult time I was going through. Instead she kept her distance. Should I contact her? Saying what? Welcome back to LS, long time no see. Congrats on all the hard work you've done to be sober! I think she can't handle it period and didn't know how to help you. Instead of just being honest, she ran and hid from you. Now time has gone by she has detached. If you decide to contact her, be honest and speak from your heart, tell her how you feel and why. If you decide not to contact her, you might see your life will be better without her in it. True and real friends are supposed to be honest and trustworthy. Even if those were her reasons, she couldn't handle it, she could have supported you in other ways and been there to cheer you up, to give you a hug, to encourage you. She didn't and that's on her. Everybody handles things differently. Edited July 13, 2013 by whichwayisup Link to post Share on other sites
ANewBeginning Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 You can blame her but you have to blame yourself too. Maybe she was supportive at the start but maybe you just didn't listen or take that support? There is only so much a friend can do before enough is enough regardless. People grow up watching all these tv shows like 'Friends' and 'How I met your mother' etc which depict friendship as ever lasting and always pulling through etc. Much like romance and love in the movies, it just ain't the real thing. People will come and go throughout your life. Some will stay longer but that is only if you foster that friendship. Tough times can build or break friendships. Maybe this friendship was built but at the same time broken when one side just could handle the other anymore. I am not singling you out but I find so many people these days place the blame for their misgivings on others. Sometimes you just have to accept the common factor maybe you and you are the one who has the choice to make things for the better or that maybe you stuffed up. Regardless it is in your hands now how you handle or fix things. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackGoaty Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 Out of curiosity, if you had a son or daughter who needed help with getting clean, would you just kick them out onto the street? Yes I would if as a parent, I have already tried all means and exhausted all ways by BEING there for them but the habit still continue, I guess it is time to let go of them and let them LEARN it from the streets. Nothing beats real life experiences. However, if they are ready to come home, by all means I would let them in depending on the situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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