Recovering

[BrookeM]

Hey everyone. I've been browsing this site for a while and did not know a forum existed for the OM/OW. I'm hoping by posting my story it will alleviate some of the hell I've been living for the past 6 months.

 

I began my affair the end of January. Initially I wanted nothing more than a friendship from my xMM after meeting him at a party. I had no interest in starting a relationship with a committed partner, the idea repulsed me. He continued perusing me and instead of cutting him off and blocking my number like I should have (and thought about doing), I gave in and began seeing him. My self esteem was low and I felt (and still feel) vulnerable.

 

At first things were great! It was exciting. It was superficially fulfilling. It felt so good to be acknowledged and have someone else to talk to. I felt attractive again. I felt wanted. I felt important. I think back to how pathetic that is and it makes me fill with even more shame. How could I have depended so much on someone else to feel validated?? A MM at that!

 

There were many highs followed by extreme lows throughout the duration of our affair. It got to the point that my entire day would plummet if I didn't receive a "check in" text or phone call from him. I was so addicted to his attention. I rarely initiated contact first.

 

Fast forward to earlier this week. His wife has become ill and she is incapable of taking care of herself now. She has had several minor health problems in the past but evidently she has gotten bad. I hadn't heard from him for two days, until he called on Wednesday afternoon and told me the situation. I was out of town but was in the process of flying back home (I was on a layover in Atlanta). He sounded worried and concerned for his wife. I told him if he wanted to end things so he could focus solely on her I would completely understand. He said it's not what he wanted to do, but he was going to be so busy caring for her that it would be best if we stopped. I 1000% agree that was the right decision.

 

I thought about ending our affair several times before this but I never stood up and did it. I was very unhappy with it all. I was stressed, my self esteem had become worse than it was when I met him, and this tormented love affair had taken precious time away from my kids.

 

I haven't spoken to him since. No calls, no texts, nothing. I still love him and I can't stop thinking about how much I miss him. I haven't slept much in the past few days and I've barely been able to eat. I've been crying a lot. But this has to happen in order for me to get myself mentally healthy again. I've already made arrangements to see a therapist.

 

I'm asking for support and advice. I've already beat myself up about this for many, many, months now. I know ever being with him was extremely wrong. I'm hoping for tips, suggestions, or advice. How did you move on after your affair? What are some dos/dont's?

[hippetyhop]

Hey everyone. I've been browsing this site for a while and did not know a forum existed for the OM/OW. I'm hoping by posting my story it will alleviate some of the hell I've been living for the past 6 months.

 

I began my affair the end of January. Initially I wanted nothing more than a friendship from my xMM after meeting him at a party. I had no interest in starting a relationship with a committed partner, the idea repulsed me. He continued perusing me and instead of cutting him off and blocking my number like I should have (and thought about doing), I gave in and began seeing him. My self esteem was low and I felt (and still feel) vulnerable.

 

At first things were great! It was exciting. It was superficially fulfilling. It felt so good to be acknowledged and have someone else to talk to. I felt attractive again. I felt wanted. I felt important. I think back to how pathetic that is and it makes me fill with even more shame. How could I have depended so much on someone else to feel validated?? A MM at that!

 

There were many highs followed by extreme lows throughout the duration of our affair. It got to the point that my entire day would plummet if I didn't receive a "check in" text or phone call from him. I was so addicted to his attention. I rarely initiated contact first.

 

Fast forward to earlier this week. His wife has become ill and she is incapable of taking care of herself now. She has had several minor health problems in the past but evidently she has gotten bad. I hadn't heard from him for two days, until he called on Wednesday afternoon and told me the situation. I was out of town but was in the process of flying back home (I was on a layover in Atlanta). He sounded worried and concerned for his wife. I told him if he wanted to end things so he could focus solely on her I would completely understand. He said it's not what he wanted to do, but he was going to be so busy caring for her that it would be best if we stopped. I 1000% agree that was the right decision.

 

I thought about ending our affair several times before this but I never stood up and did it. I was very unhappy with it all. I was stressed, my self esteem had become worse than it was when I met him, and this tormented love affair had taken precious time away from my kids.

 

I haven't spoken to him since. No calls, no texts, nothing. I still love him and I can't stop thinking about how much I miss him. I haven't slept much in the past few days and I've barely been able to eat. I've been crying a lot. But this has to happen in order for me to get myself mentally healthy again. I've already made arrangements to see a therapist.

 

I'm asking for support and advice. I've already beat myself up about this for many, many, months now. I know ever being with him was extremely wrong. I'm hoping for tips, suggestions, or advice. How did you move on after your affair? What are some dos/dont's?

 

Hang in there. We understand.

 

Any break-ups are hard. I'm contemplating mine. There is a thread on this board "What I don't miss" (or something along those lines) and reading it I'm like "wow"--I feel the same as the posters.

 

This may be harsh, but you have to remember that although you are part of an affair, he is still married and still loves someone else. Would he turn around and be there for you if you were that sick?

 

The bold section is exactly how I feel--and when I did text/call him first, I felt as if I was bothering him. That isn't a real relationship.

[Pierre]

 

It was superficially fulfilling. It felt so good to be acknowledged and have someone else to talk to. I felt attractive again. I felt wanted. I felt important. I think back to how pathetic that is and it makes me fill with even more shame. How could I have depended so much on someone else to feel validated?? A MM at that!

 

 

This is the most important part of your post. This explains everything! The most honest women in the planet will break ethical barriers to get validated.

 

I have pointed this out to countless posters in the forum. Many think I am a broken record, but in the end this is how single women end up as OWs.

 

The solution to your ordeal lies in that paragraph. Everything else is just rationalization and Disneyland thinking.

[ladydesigner]

Pierre's right. Read that paragraph over and over again. It is the reason why my WH and I both engaged in A's. I wanted validation after the first time my WH was inappropriate with another woman. I had emotionally disconnected with him and then he went on to have another A. His reason was that I neglected him and she made him feel good. She validated him and he validated her. I honestly think that most affairs are driven by validation and being confused for love. Just IMHO

 

I think the best thing to do is go to therapy and figure out where this need for validation is coming from. Best of luck to you and if you can try to stay NC for YOU so that you don't hurt anymore from this situation.

[UpwardSpiral]

Hippety Hop is right. I'm struggling with NC, and am lucky my SO never found out. The first week is hell. The next few aren't better but it sounds like you're making the right choices.

 

I will raise this gingerly. MM having affairs with single women suddenly realize you have very little lose compared to them, and it scares the crap out of them. Do you believe his wife is suddenly THAT sick? Or is he using her health as an excuse to end things? He may be letting you down gently, or afraid that wanting to move on will upset you and lead you to expose the affair. Being "rejected" rather than ending the affair for sympathetic reasons is an especially bitter pill to swallow but being ruthlessly honest with yourself will help you move on.

 

A suggestion my counselor gave me: He controlled your mood, your schedule, your entire life, by something as seemingly simple as texting or not texting. Now YOU can have the control. YOU choose not to contact HIM. YOU choose to move on. You have power; use it. I found that approach helpful on days when I was feeling low; I hope it helps.

[BrookeM]

 

A suggestion my counselor gave me: He controlled your mood, your schedule, your entire life, by something as seemingly simple as texting or not texting. Now YOU can have the control. YOU choose not to contact HIM. YOU choose to move on. You have power; use it. I found that approach helpful on days when I was feeling low; I hope it helps.

 

I love this line so much I copied it! Although I was crying when we hung up (I didn't say "bye", I just hit end) I felt a small wave of relief wash over me. I no longer needed to have my phone glued to my hand because now I know we're done. I needed that closure.

 

I think back to everything that made me angry about him. How he forgot my birthday (even though I remembered his, cooked him dinner and bought him something). How he ordered movies on my cable account without my permission. How I stocked my home with his favorite foods, beer, etc and that he never reciprocated with even a small token of monetary gratitude. Unbelievable how much more I permitted. Usually I'm the strong alpha-female type. He turned me into a submissive doormat, but it was my choice to become that. People will only go as far as you allow them, and I allowed entirely way too much.

 

 

The past few days I've noticed that I've had a lot of ups and downs. One minute I'm cringing at the thought of him and the next I feel upset and lonely. But I'm glad to hear the first week is the hardest and it can only go up from here.

 

I really appreciate all of the responses so far. I've been bottling up this nightmare of emotions for so long and my best friend (the only one who knew about us) is very tired of hearing it!

[BrookeM]

And I hope like hell he doesn't try to contact me. I don't think I'm strong enough to ignore it yet.

[LilGirlandOW]

I really appreciate all of the responses so far. I've been bottling up this nightmare of emotions for so long and my best friend (the only one who knew about us) is very tired of hearing it!

 

I think sometimes the A can take on a life of its own and become your bestfriend

[krazikat]

And I hope like hell he doesn't try to contact me. I don't think I'm strong enough to ignore it yet.

 

Block him then. Do what you need to do to get back to you.

[krazikat]

I think sometimes the A can take on a life of its own and become your bestfriend

 

Brooke....read the threads by lilgirl before buying into anything she says...she is currently in major denial about the truth of her A.

[BrookeM]

I just saw him drive by me as I was stopped at an intersection. I know he saw me because he slowed down a little as he passed me. Ughhhhh. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed that he didn't text me after BUT I'm so glad he didn't because I would have been weak and responded. KraziKat you're right, I am going to block him. Side note: I'm proud of myself for not giving in and texting him. I stayed strong. I am determined to put this behind me and move on!

[BrookeM]

PS...This forum might be seeing a lot of me. This place is going to be my new go-to when I feel like I'm going to break down and text him.

[krazikat]

I just saw him drive by me as I was stopped at an intersection. I know he saw me because he slowed down a little as he passed me. Ughhhhh. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed that he didn't text me after BUT I'm so glad he didn't because I would have been weak and responded. KraziKat you're right, I am going to block him. Side note: I'm proud of myself for not giving in and texting him. I stayed strong. I am determined to put this behind me and move on!

 

Great job!!! See, you can do this, you can heal and then find someone who will be yours 100% stay strong! And block him now!

[BrookeM]

:laugh:He is officially BLOCKED!

[WakingUp]

You get bashed left and right for this but it's true. I never would have considered a MM before or after my affair. I know precisely why my affair happened. Series of events that hit me at the same time that resulted in an extremely low point. The final event was one of those once in a lifetime events that i know won't happen again. Even if it did, I will never be that weak again.

 

I don't recognize that person but I felt like myself as soon as I ended the affair. You have to want that empowerment of taking yourself back to really move past an affair. I believe a lot of women here (Not all) consistently have low self-esteem. They will be ripe for the picking until that changes.

 

I can't imagine feeling the need to heal, recover, or the like. Would give him too much power. He's simply not worth it.

 

I'm back to living my life honestly and happily.

 

 

I love this! One thousand likes! I totally get this!

[BrookeM]

You get bashed left and right for this but it's true. I never would have considered a MM before or after my affair. I know precisely why my affair happened. Series of events that hit me at the same time that resulted in an extremely low point. The final event was one of those once in a lifetime events that i know won't happen again. Even if it did, I will never be that weak again.

 

I don't recognize that person but I felt like myself as soon as I ended the affair. You have to want that empowerment of taking yourself back to really move past an affair. I believe a lot of women here (Not all) consistently have low self-esteem. They will be ripe for the picking until that changes.

 

I can't imagine feeling the need to heal, recover, or the like. Would give him too much power. He's simply not worth it.

 

I'm back to living my life honestly and happily.

 

I loved everything you wrote, but the bold caption really hit me. For the past few days I've been miserable, it was hard to tell myself there would be light again. After he drove by me yesterday and I proved to myself I wasn't going to break and text him, I blocked him on all social networks and my phone. I felt more empowered than I have in months! I even slept GREAT last night knowing I was in control now. No more racing to my phone to see if I had a missed call/text. No more thinking I heard his ringtone or text tone. DONE!!! Will I miss him? Yes, and I still do. I think that's normal to feel when you've invested so much time and emotions into someone. But he was very toxic for me and I understand that now. And I have the power to keep that negativity out of my life, even if he decides weeks or months from now to try and sneak back in.

 

If you don't want me now, don't miss me later. (I'm glad he doesn't want me now.) Time for new beginnings!!

[krazikat]

I loved everything you wrote, but the bold caption really hit me. For the past few days I've been miserable, it was hard to tell myself there would be light again. After he drove by me yesterday and I proved to myself I wasn't going to break and text him, I blocked him on all social networks and my phone. I felt more empowered than I have in months! I even slept GREAT last night knowing I was in control now. No more racing to my phone to see if I had a missed call/text. No more thinking I heard his ringtone or text tone. DONE!!! Will I miss him? Yes, and I still do. I think that's normal to feel when you've invested so much time and emotions into someone. But he was very toxic for me and I understand that now. And I have the power to keep that negativity out of my life, even if he decides weeks or months from now to try and sneak back in.

 

If you don't want me now, don't miss me later. (I'm glad he doesn't want me now.) Time for new beginnings!!

 

Way to take your power back! Sending u a virtual high five...