youngnlove89 Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 How do you deal with girlfriends/boyfriends that are jealous and insecure? Does it make the relationship harder? I naturally am a jealous and insecure person because of my past. I'm guilty of snooping and sneaking. And I subconsciously wonder all the time: "what if". But I hide my feelings. I don't act on it like I used to. I don't accuse. I don't ask. I just keep it to myself until I need to say something (if I had valid proof that something was going on). So, if anything my insecurities and jealousy reek havoc on myself and not my partner. He has no idea. But I wasn't always like this. I would get upset over little things with him. If I thought he was flirting with the waitress, I'd get moody. If I saw him looking back at what I thought was him checking out a girl's bottom, I would say something. Whenever he was on his phone, I would ask questions, "who are you texting?". But now, I just stay silent and confident. He isn't the type to text or be on his phone all the time. In fact, he puts it away when he is with me. Which is a quality I appreciate. He is loving, caring and attentive when he is with me. But it isn't that. What I worry about is when he isn't with me. This is where my natural jealousy juices start flowing. It's an insecurity I have that I hate. I face them every day. But I don't want them to affect my relationship. Which is why I try so hard for it not too. My boyfriend is a good guy. But he is a nice guy. He likes to keep in touch with ex's (just a couple). He is very friendly and kind. He doesn't necessarily hang out with them (that I know of). If they text him, he won't ignore, but he will be cordial. And I know they still have feelings for him. Plus sometimes things can be blown out of proportion. Texts/emails, things written can be taken the wrong way. I'm guilty of digging. Looking through things. I could question every written passage I've seen because as a girl, I blow things our of proportion. The simple "how are you doing" text can make me feel very insecure. I think this feeling does more harm to yourself than anything else. But acting on it can deteriorate the relationship over time. Who wants to be with someone who can't trust them? My goal is stop digging, stop questioning. And to TRUST him. If you don't trust, what is left? I don't want to have a relationship that I have to question all the time. I just have to trust him. If he is cheating or is thinking about it, eventually it will run it's course. Other than that, he shows love. He hangs out with me more than anyone else. He told me those girls are just friends and has no feelings for them. I have to believe him. I have no other reason NOT to. But why is it so hard for me? [[He gets insecure also though. Whenever I'm on my phone, he asks who I am talking too. Whenever I hangout with my guy friends, he gets jealous, always asking "do they want to f** you?" He has gone through my phone and email before. He has read things that he had no right too. To me, I saw it as him caring, him being afraid to lose me...So I didn't mind.]] Does jealousy come from insecurity? Is it fear of losing control? Fear of getting hurt? OR is it because we care too much? Because we are afraid of them finding better? So how do you handle it? How do you handle your jealousy? How do you handle your significant others jealousy? Link to post Share on other sites
queendrama Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I totally understand you. I'm the same... My boyfriend is perfect and I'm always so "alert", even there's no reason in real life I should be afraid of losing him...I know that he loves me and I totally love him - I never felt the same about anyone. I think you should do the same as me - pump up your self esteem and see the reality. Its hard sometimes I know (see my thread)...but the best advice I can give you is to be rather TRUSTING and maybe dissapointed oneday than always JEALOUS, INSECURE AND MISERABLE and maybe dissapointed oneday anyway...You simply cant loose nothing with trusting too much (except dignity in your own eyes, but thats nothing compared to love, be loved), cause it's better to trust and love than to be bitter and not to trust anyone...we also believed in Santa and even though he wasn't real we were happy that for us - he existed and we werent much more happy when we found out he wasn't really there. Funny, but this helped me a lot to recognize how important it is to be trusting person... its easier said than done, I know from my own experience... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Hmmmm.... Maybe try this? Analyze this issue to death for the rest of today. Go over every detail you can possibly think of until your brain is exhausted. Then no more analyzing until Monday. Tonight set a small goal for the weekend to trust him completely and focus on your love for him. Really try to relax and let go. Set your intention tonight before you go to sleep that for the rest of the weekend you are going to be free from jealousy. Anytime this weekend you feel the slightest bit of anxiety creeping up, notice it right away and nip it in the bud, tell yourself how silly you are and how much you love and trust him. Anxiety? Nope, Love. Breathe. Anxiety? Nope. Love. Breathe. Don't allow your thoughts to even get started. If you think of this post and giggle, that's fine. Just do what ya gotta do to stay relaxed and focused on love. Report back on Monday with an analysis of how you felt overall during the weekend. Did it feel natural to trust him? Or was it just forced and difficult? How often did you have to control the anxiety? Did you enjoy the experience? Do you think he felt more relaxed in your presence? Did you laugh more? Did he? Whatever other analysis questions you can think of just stick em in here, that are appropriate to help you determine the answer to your question- this way you are doing your own experiment Of course it's better for you, for him, for your relationship if you can not only hide your anxiety from him, but actually reduce it. You will be happier, he will sense it, he will be happier because you are happier, which will reduce his anxiety, which will make you happier... Yay! No more phone and email snooping. If it works- tell him about it in a couple weeks and make him do it. Ha. You two sound like such a cute couple, just got to work out a few kinks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Oh! I forgot to say. If it feels good to do this for two days over the weekend, and you find out you are able to go with the flow with no jealousy... Then guess what? Next time go for three days. Then 4. Get into a habit. You built a bad habit of jealousy and anxiety from bad experiences from the past, and you can break it. Just takes time. If he's a trustworthy guy then bit by bit build up the courage to trust him, and you and he together can build intimacy over time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 the best advice I can give you is to be rather TRUSTING and maybe dissapointed oneday than always JEALOUS, INSECURE AND MISERABLE and maybe dissapointed oneday Great advice. So true! That's what I'm trying to do these days. Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 Thank you betterthanthis I will definitely try that. And I actually already have been and things are much better. He can see I am less stressed and insecure and happier. Which made him happier. And more loving. He finally for the first time in awhile said I love you first yesterday. I always say it first, but he always says it back. I don't know if that's weird or not, but it made me smile I just have to overcome this jealousy issue. I shouldn't have dug in his email. I didn't find anything bad, but I just started questioning, "why is he talking to those girls?" Than my mind starts to make up scenario's of things that probably are not happening. Then I get mad at him for the stupid things I MAKE UP in my own mind. That's what I used to be like. But I've controlled it. But I still can't get rid of the thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 You can't get rid of them. They are there, like that game at the state fair whack a mole. The more you practice popping them down, the better you get at making them go away faster until its just an afterthought. If its meant to be, you guys can eventually win the big teddy bear and walk away from the whack a mole game. Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 12, 2013 Author Share Posted July 12, 2013 You can't get rid of them. They are there, like that game at the state fair whack a mole. The more you practice popping them down, the better you get at making them go away faster until its just an afterthought. If its meant to be, you guys can eventually win the big teddy bear and walk away from the whack a mole game. haha. that's cute. I'm shooting for that snuggly wuggly tweddy bwear. Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 I have had this problem myself. It can be really draining and time consuming. Now, if I feel my girlfriend is in love with me and fully trustworthy, I just choose to trust. It's like a weight off my shoulders, it means that I don't have to think about it anymore. It seems like your boyfriend had a bit of jealousy as well. We all do more or less. But he does have to come to terms with that other men will find you attractive and want to be intimate with you. Just because you're taken doesn't mean that they'll respect that. But he can trust you and that's what counts. Men look at my girl everyday and she's probably getting approached by them. Maybe one or two of her male friends are trying to get it on with her. I don't know, haven't really thought about it too much. I just leave her to handle it and if she needs help getting some desperado of her case, she'll let me know. She's her own woman, not my possession. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I actually appreciate seeing a little bit of jealousy from a significant other. I just see it as them caring about me, and I like that they feel possessive of me. But diff'rent strokes... Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I don't really appreciate jealousy (mistrust), if it would be a temporal one time off thing I would examine my own behavior and try to figure out if I was in any way responsible of her jealousy... if it was a constant thing then I guess we were not made for each other... I need my space and I am a natural trusting person who expects the same back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 That's insecurity. Secure people find jealousy and possessiveness painful. There are plenty of ways to show you care for someone without being jelly. Excellent. So insecure people are perfect for each other! Link to post Share on other sites
will1988 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 My fiance is the jelous, insecure, paranoid type... when she gets in her moods i reason with her and try to show her how illogical she is acting. I reverse the situation and ask her how she would feel if i was doing what she was doing. that actually seems to always work. or i just let it roll off of my back like water off of a duck, and just ignore it. everyone is a little crazy, and that happens to be her crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I actually appreciate seeing a little bit of jealousy from a significant other. I just see it as them caring about me, and I like that they feel possessive of me. But diff'rent strokes... I thought the desire to control was the opposite of caring. Link to post Share on other sites
will1988 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 From my point of view two insecure people make a horrible couple. you need one stronger willed person and one insecure person to make the relationship truly work. At least this is my personal experience with my fiance and i... we are night and day, leo and scorpio, low class- upper class etc... yet we work great. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 What about just two secure people? Shouldn't that be what we should aim for? That's certainly my preference. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 From my point of view two insecure people make a horrible couple. you need one stronger willed person and one insecure person to make the relationship truly work. At least this is my personal experience with my fiance and i... we are night and day, leo and scorpio, low class- upper class etc... yet we work great. I think two secure persons would work even better... insecurities are never good but we all have them for one or other reason. I don't believe in astrology so I don't think there is much influence of it there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
will1988 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 What about just two secure people? Shouldn't that be what we should aim for? well yes, two secure people work. I am talking in the sense of two insecure people dating... if it is a secure person and an insecure person, over time the secure person will have an affect on the inseucre person and slowly bring them out of their shell... as is the case with my fiance and i. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 well yes, two secure people work. I am talking in the sense of two insecure people dating... if it is a secure person and an insecure person, over time the secure person will have an affect on the inseucre person and slowly bring them out of their shell... as is the case with my fiance and i. I certainly agree that it's better than insecure x 2. The secure person needs to be patient but then again your fiance is really young so she is probably adjusting fast. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
will1988 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I certainly agree that it's better than insecure x 2. The secure person needs to be patient but then again your fiance is really young so she is probably adjusting fast. No, she was sheltered all of her life and kind of neglected as a child. i could compare her to a pound puppy... shy and insecure, but thanks to me... the person with no shame as many people say... has brought her out of her shell to a degree. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 No, she was sheltered all of her life and kind of neglected as a child. i could compare her to a pound puppy... shy and insecure, but thanks to me... the person with no shame as many people say... has brought her out of her shell to a degree. I think it's probably best if we all take cover 2 Link to post Share on other sites
will1988 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I think it's probably best if we all take cover duck and cover... remember to get under neath the desk, head between your legs, and kiss your a$$ good bye! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 Ideally, you would try to work on being more secure... being more secure is a positive thing all people should strive for. It's interesting though you say the below: Secure people find jealousy and possessiveness painful. Quite a strong, sweeping statement. Are you confident that this is generally the case? Or did you craft this correlation because you find jealousy and possessiveness painful and also think you are secure...? Link to post Share on other sites
will1988 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 It's interesting though you say the below: Quite a strong, sweeping statement. Are you confident that this is generally the case? Or did you craft this correlation because you find jealousy and possessiveness painful and also think you are secure...? I find it a little anoying at times, but to show that I have a large ego... I find the aforementioned traits to be kind of flatering and an ego stroke. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I don't find jealousy flattering as I think it's about the other person, not me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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