Too soon, too fast?

[Kumara]

Hi everyone,

I am not going into specific details about location and age concerning the LDR i have with this man but let's just say he is older and live really far away.

We have been talking for months now and we are now in an exclusive relationship even if we never met. I was against this idea but i fell for him.

Our meeting is supposed to take place in a few weeks but I am having real concerns. He seems genuine and I have been able to check personal informations he gave me. He also gives me a lot of his free time even if he already has a lot of occupations. We talk on a daily basis.

My concerns are due to him admitting loving me just after after a few weeks; him talking about commitment in the future and also the fact he wants me to come in his country to live with him and only to come back to visit.

If i go on with the meeting, i might not be able to be independant but that doesn't concern him, the only thing he wants is to have me next to him.

So, I really want to meet him but I have the feeling i might making a mistake if I quit everything I have in my country in order to see that man.

We talked before about one of us going in vacation in our country but we forgot this idea and decided that one of us should make a semi permanent move. That doesn't bother me since i always wanted to establish in his country.

My main concern is him loving too soon, and too much : he alreadys wants to marry and have children. I dont want to live a fantasy because then one of us or both will be disappointed but he seems to have a lot of expectations even though he says the opposite.

[kelly_wandering]

In my experience, men are very willing to "say all the right things" at the start. Months on the truth comes out, and they are actually a lot more uncertain.

 

I would advise caution. Don't make any big committment until you meet in person.

[LittleTiger]

Oh boy! I'm scared for you!!!

 

What you are considering doing is dangerous. The fact that you haven't mentioned your ages makes it even more worrying. You are probably a teenager and he's in his 40s or more - that's what springs to mind. Or perhaps you're older and he's in his 60s?

 

To answer your question "YES - big fat YES" Waaay too soon, waaay too fast!

 

Read what you've written and, hopefully, you have enough common sense to see the insanity in what you're thinking about doing:

 

- he 'admitted' he loves you after only a few weeks!

- he wants you to go to his country and only come back for visits!

- if you go on the meeting you might not be able to be independent?!!!

- the only thing he wants is to have you next to him!

- you have the feeling you might be making a mistake if you quit everything to go and meet him???!!! Er what? :eek:

- this is going to be a semi-permanent move?!!!!! WTF! You have never even met the man!!!

- he already wants to marry and have children! (Words fail me!)

 

I may have used a lot of emoticons here but there are actually none to express what I am really feeling. Please, please DO NOT go to meet this man - and definitely not in his country.

 

Let me guess, he's paying for your air fare too?

 

If you really feel you need to meet him, then he must come to you - and it needs to be in the presence of your friends and family - definitely not alone.

 

Personally, I think he sounds dangerous and you sound incredibly naïve. I would be very interested to hear what his reaction would be if you told him you'd changed your mind - I'd be willing to bet it's anger - he sounds controlling, manipulative and frightening. Do yourself a favour and end it now while you are safe in your own country.

[Kumara]

Thank your for your replies, i need advices.

First I am not a teen, we are both in our 30's.

I mentioned my concerns to him and then he talked to me about him moving to my country if was afraid of coming.

He offered to pay for my ticket, i refused but since I am hesitating and not taking any, he talked about booking them by his own.

I could go there for vacation... I m having second thoughts now that the meeting is happening in a few weeks.

[LittleTiger]

I'm glad you are having doubts - because you should be. If you are in your 30s you seem incredibly naïve for a 'mature' woman.

 

You are asking for advice - I strongly suggest you get him to come and visit you - and make sure you are in a public place or with people you know and trust.

 

Whatever you think you feel for this man, and whatever he says he feels for you, it isn't real. It's all based on fantasy - it has to be because you don't really know each other.

 

You might see him for the first time in real life and find him physically unattractive - what then? Don't be surprised if that happens because it's pretty common with online 'romances' - they very often don't translate into real life chemistry.

 

Stable, emotionally healthy people in their 30s do not start talking about love, marriage and children with someone they have known online for only a few weeks.

 

Please be very, very careful.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi everyone,

I am not going into specific details about location and age concerning the LDR i have with this man but let's just say he is older and live really far away.

We have been talking for months now and we are now in an exclusive relationship even if we never met. I was against this idea but i fell for him.

Our meeting is supposed to take place in a few weeks but I am having real concerns. He seems genuine and I have been able to check personal informations he gave me. He also gives me a lot of his free time even if he already has a lot of occupations. We talk on a daily basis.

My concerns are due to him admitting loving me just after after a few weeks; him talking about commitment in the future and also the fact he wants me to come in his country to live with him and only to come back to visit.

If i go on with the meeting, i might not be able to be independant but that doesn't concern him, the only thing he wants is to have me next to him.

So, I really want to meet him but I have the feeling i might making a mistake if I quit everything I have in my country in order to see that man.

We talked before about one of us going in vacation in our country but we forgot this idea and decided that one of us should make a semi permanent move. That doesn't bother me since i always wanted to establish in his country.

My main concern is him loving too soon, and too much : he alreadys wants to marry and have children. I dont want to live a fantasy because then one of us or both will be disappointed but he seems to have a lot of expectations even though he says the opposite.

 

I don't really understand this part...when you say you're going to visit him, are you actually moving there? Why would be giving up everything in your country if you're just going for a short time?

 

Beyond that, he is exhibiting major red flags. You've never met yet he wants to marry you. You wouldn't be independent if you go to visit him - why is that?

 

I know you don't want to talk specifics, but what country does this guy live in? Find out the address and contact information of your country's closest embassy or consulate (closest to his town/city, I mean) It's incredibly important to have an emergency contact point. Make sure that you have an easy out if things don't go well. Not trying to scare you, but you have to take more precautions.

 

And if you go through with this meeting, do NOT stay in his home with him. Get accommodation for yourself. Even if he's a legit guy, you need a security net if you don't get along / don't really like each other upon meeting. You've said you've been able to check out a lot of his personal information - how did you do so?