Cheated... .

[aboveaverageguy]

I was dating a girl for just over 5 months when I cheated on her. I felt truly horrible, and not a day went by that I didn't wish that I could somehow change the past. I am so in love with this girl, and I know she was absolutely crazy for me.

 

I cheated with an ex of mine that I had never really gotten over. She had caused me so much pain over the last year (she had also cheated on me) but it had always seemed like we lacked any real closure. After it happened, I felt truly sickened by what I had done. I was terrified that the girl who I love would leave me so I didn't tell her for a few weeks. However, eventually it was just too much and I had to tell her. I felt like she deserved to know the truth. So I did, and she left me.

 

I hate myself for doing this. I was so disgusted I threw up after I told her. I feel even worse than I did when I was cheated on. I was falling so deeply for this girl, especially after I cheated... I realized how much she means to me, how special she is. I failed her. I don't know how to express how terrible I feel. I would do anything to get her back. I would give up my right hand! I just don't know what to do.

[queendrama]

Calm down. We are all just human and people make errors... I'm not as judgemental about it as some people are - and about infidelity, I don't live in a fantasy world that it doesn't happen. Either being cheated on or cheating on someone...you're not bad person because of it, but its up to you to change and move in the right direction.

Those who say they would leave the loved one if he cheated, they don't love unconditionally...their love is conditional. I know that cheating is harfmul to any relationship and severe damage is done...but that doesn't mean that the person is totally BAD, even if you know its really awesome persona...and nobody is perfect!! And if you claim that you love this girl really much, I suggest you change and promise to yourself, you'll never do such harm to her again.

This is all you can do...and from a very bad thing something good can come out...perhaps lovely relationship with this girl! And if you don't want to lose her, never repeat that again...love her as you say you do...and keep in mind, everyone makes mistakes but few admit it (not just cheating).

[aboveaverageguy]

Thank you so much for your post, I appreciate you taking the time to help me out. I know I need to change... I need to be a better man. Thank you for not being judgemental and tearing me apart for what I've done.

[nescafe1982]

I think it's a good sign that you're feeling this crappy over what you did. I have not idea whether that will be enough to keep the new woman in your life, but you did the right thing by coming clean. Whether she stays or goes is really a toss-up: this is a clear dealbreaker for many people.

 

That said, I think you will need to spend some serious time figuring out where/when you took the first action that led to the cheating. I mean, the ex was clear in your life in the days (or weeks, or hours) before you made this terrible choice. How long did you allow yourself to flirt with the idea of fooling around with the ex? If you were in any contact with her at all for a period of time, that was mistake number one.

 

As for how to reform your relationship with the new woman, you will have to come up with clear, concrete things you will change to make this up to her. And you will have to tell her (sooner rather than later) what you are going to do to change. The catch is that YOU will have to come up with the plan to fix this... if you ask your GF for help in coming up with this plan you will be in essence putting the problem in her hands.

 

I think your OP makes it clear you know this is/has been your issue, your betrayal... and that's a good step in the right direction and shows a self-honesty that is not typical for "cheaters." You made a mistake... a doozie of a mistake. But now you have to ask yourself, deeply and honestly, what you will do, in concrete terms, to reform your behavior and do right by your GF?

 

Once you have a plan, talk to GF again. She may accept you, she may reject you... but unfortunately that part of the equation isn't in your hands.

 

Good luck.

[aboveaverageguy]

Thank you for your reply. How soon should I talk to her? I'm falling apart over here, but she doesn't want to talk to me at all right now. I've been trying to give her some space but I still have a strong urge to try to talk to her every second of the day. I'm lost as to what to do to get her to even consider talking to me, and then to even consider letting me back into her life.

[Kelebek]

I completely understand what you're going through. Two and a half years ago I did the same thing to my boyfriend, and I'm still horrified that I did it. We were so in love that we tried to work through it - but after two ANXIETY filled years, we've called it quits. I tried SO hard to make him forgive me but it wasn't possible...he couldn't trust me again. Any time I went anywhere, he'd be so worried and angry and I'd be defensive because I wasn't allowed to live my life, while at the same time literally being sick because of the guilt and being so disgusted at myself...if my phone rang he'd instantly get this hard suspicious look in his eyes, oh my word it was horrible. Let me tell you now that it's so way to live. MAYBE your girl will forgive you but I don't know if anyone truly ever forgives and forgets this particular thing and you would end up making your lives hell. I ended up so frustrated that he JUST WOULDN'T get over it....and then feeling utterly ashamed because it was my fault in the first place. 8 months later I'm in a new relationship and I'm happy, but I still suffer severe anxiety over it. I have horrible dreams that I cheat on my new partner - and I'm sure that you, like me, know that you will never do this to someone ever again. Not only would I never put someone through the hurt I saw my ex go through, but in a selfish way I would never do this to MYSELF ever again. The guilt and shame has made me want to rip my skin off as it's impossible to escape. So logically I know the situation is in the past but I still have nightmares at least twice a week about my ex, the other guy, blah blah blah...it won't leave me.

 

Do yourself a favour and just accept that you're human & you made a rotten mistake. Speaking as someone two and a half years down the line from you - don't let it eat you up like it's done to me. I know I'm happier now with my new partner but I still have so many issues. Also recognise the fact that something must have been missing for you to seek that excitement elsewhere. I hated it when people said that to me at the time because I was insistent, "no, I love him, I don't know what I was thinking," but NOW looking back I see so many issues that I'd ignored and clearly that was my awful way of subconsciously trying to blow it all apart.

 

I'm so sorry that you've lost her - but let her go. It'd be a horrible relationship, I promise you that. My mum cheated on my dad when I was 15 (wonder what a shrink would make of that as I HATED her for doing it) but they got back together because they had decades of history and two kids, a house, etc etc...but after only 5 months in your case, it's too big a bump in the road.

 

I'm so sorry, my heart truly goes out to you. I haven't been on this site in ages but came back on to try and deal with my issues and how much I hate myself so hopefully this makes you try NOT to deal with it as badly as I did. I tried SO HARD for two whole years to do anything I could to make someone who clearly resented me to love me again, so obviously that's where my crappy self esteem comes from. Don't make the same mistake! Just move on!

[shatteredworld]

How long has it been since the two of you have talked? If there were ever a chance of you two working out it would have to be pretty far down the road. Right now she would still be feeling resentment and I doubt she could even trust you. I honestly believe a lot of time would have to go by so you guys could have a fresh start because it would not work if it was all still so fresh.

[Ninjainpajamas]

At this point what's done is what is done...but you really need to realize that you've got to move on from this point.

 

You cheated on your GF with your ex and told her, which was a good thing and the guilt from that seems to have taught you a lesson in what it feels like from the other end when you actually have a heart.

 

But here's the thing, you're still in a confused and complicated state of emotional entanglement, you're creating this scenario and situation in your head that what you did was horrible and you wish you could take it back and that you were madly in love with the other girl and you just made a mistake. That is not the entire truth however.

 

You don't have that transparency and clarity because you are still in it, and very much reacting to this situation, combined with the fact that you have all these conflicting emotions now you THINK that you've got it all figured out and know what you want...but it's not the right way. I know you feel 100 percent certain in this state of mind you are in right now that this was the most wonderful, amazing and loving woman yadda yadda and that you should have never did this and she's the love of your life and all that jazz but you're just rebounding man in a simplification of it...you've made the decision to channel all these emotions to one focal point, your ex...she's become the scapegoat for everything that has happened and now you're going to feel desperately determined to win her back, to win her forgiveness and because your ex had hurt you before...you still are not over the emotions of the past with your ex ex and have never really let that go, now you've found a way to dump all of this on your current ex...you don't know it right now, but you're still not thinking straight.

 

You are reacting to a lot of internal emotions but it is not LOVE for your ex that you cheated on, love is not that and does not work that way, you're confusing these other emotions and simply fixating this on her...I don't think you're going to be able to accept and see that though and I'm sure you are still going to be religiously confident in pursuing your ex...but if you really really think about it and break it down, to what love is and what your issues are, this is just another form of reaction you are having from your past...this is all tied up into trust, infidelity and heartbreak..you sabotaged the last relationship for a reason by cheating, you simply can't realize and understand that because you've got the blinders on and are too focused...it'll take a miracle for you to see the truth, but really if you look at all your behavior and break it down to the reality of it...you'll realize you're just a very conflicted and emotional broken guy that's looking for a savior out of all of this emotional mess...you're looking for a way out, to make it right...but it's not the way.