In Need of a Second Chance - Truly

[James9912]

Hello,

 

I recently brokeup with my girlfriend of 2.5 years. It has been about two weeks now of NC. Everything was left on amiable note, no hatred nothing like that but it was kind of left open ended but definitely established that we are not together.

 

Her main reason was slowly drifting apart and then coming to the realization that she just wanted time to figure herself and be on her own, something she honestly had never really done before.

 

We had a great times together but what I think it came down to was pressure to do certain things. Many times, I felt like i cared too much and would be always willing to help, do whatever, etc....

 

I sincerely love this girl and we talked about marriage often and both had it in our future. In the past few months due to work, death in the family, and just life in general anxiety really got to me and I tried to internalize it and in the end feel like that helped push us away a bit.

 

In the end, we both started losing sight of what brought us together and there was too much "trying" rather than being ourselves. Over the last week or so we were together and kind of had an idea of when we would part things were great, it felt like a completely new dynamic we were both relaxed etc....

 

Looking back, (and maybe being to hard on myslef) but I can pinpoint a number of things I wish I would have gone about differently, with the main one just being myself. It really sucks that it took this for me to realize some of these things and would love the opportunity to "meet" her again so to speak and we can start anew.

 

I moved away from home for this relationship, became very close to her family. And i mean states away, so her family in a way was like my second family. She would always tell me how no other relationship she had was like ours and I genuinely was her first true love. And she really could see how well I got along with the family.

 

But back to where things stand, she really just wants space, a breakup, break, idk. For awhile there was no label, it was just a ...... But it's clear at this time at least she does not want a relationship and wants to just get back to being herself.

 

In my time so far I have been working on things and getting back to being me. Feeling good, but part of me is missing I feel. And I just want that second opportunity to be with her again and I know things would be great. I am respecting her space and we are still on good terms, friends on Facebook and all of that. Even when I post things her family will "like" them and they know what we are going through.

 

She told me many times, and I can tell she meant it that this is not to just go out and find another guy or start a new relationship but to find herself a bit and establish some friends on her own (as she didnt have many previously). In the end, I think the lack of space is what drove her away a bit.

 

I love her so much and it is hard with the NC but am holding strong. Will probably do so for a month or so and try and get coffee with her as we truly know eachother better than anyone.

 

I just want that second chance and it pains me inside and out. I'm carrying on strong and it would be hard to tell by just talking to me something is wrong but I want her back in my life.

 

Advice? If any more information is needed to help let me know.

 

Thank you!!

[James9912]

bump............

[happydate]

You still love her, but she does not love you anymore and it showed. There's really no second chances for this one because as you know, you gave her all she needed to re-affirm. That is, you're so easy to get so she can snap her finger and you will be there like a puppy dog.

 

A real loving relationship means you can be yourself and that she always respects you for that. You sacrificed that for her. Why does she not do the same for you? Right here, there's an imbalance and then you realized a lot of other things. I personally think you didn't do anything wrong per se, but you didn't do the things she wanted to shape you to be. She is looking for a man to complete her, and that you were just one of her litter of men that did better than her other past exes. You didn't present to her as a challenge for her man fix up, because you moved for her and that you won't become yourself just for her. Hence, she felt you're boring and that her mission to change and fix you is done.

 

Luckily, it's 2.5 yrs. Imagine if it's 5 or 7 years? All that youthful vibrancy you had then wasted on a hopeless relationship.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

*chills* you sound like me about 3 weeks ago...

[LifeGoesOnMan]

 

Luckily, it's 2.5 yrs. Imagine if it's 5 or 7 years? All that youthful vibrancy you had then wasted on a hopeless relationship.

 

mine was 7 years *facepalm*

[LifeGoesOnMan]

once she cuts you out of her life, you need to cut her out of yours

 

I burned all the pics of our together and all the b-day/v-days cards, deleted her number and her brother's number.

 

NC..its the only way.

 

 

(and btw, I got the whole "I don't want to see other people/Im not seeing other people" speel too, guess what? she was seeing/hanging out with another dude the whole time during our "break" which turned into me ending it because I couldn't deal with the limbo....NOTHING IS AS IT SEEMS BRO, NOTHING.)

Edited July 12, 2013 by LifeGoesOnMan

[StrongLass]

NOTHING IS AS IT SEEMS BRO, NOTHING.

 

That should become your signature LifeGoesOnMan, seriously

 

OP? It sounds like you need to back away from this situation a bit. Grief is clouding your reality big time.

 

Once you take some time apart from this girl to evaluate everything you've done for this girl vs what she's contributing you may realize something unpleasant but liberating.

[happydate]

mine was 7 years *facepalm*

 

That's a big ouch! I hope the sex was great!?! My last one like this was a little less long, but was one of the few women who allowed me unprotected wild fantasy sex.

Which was the only main reason why I hung out with her for so long.

Edited July 12, 2013 by happydate

[along60years]

Read "The Passion Paradox" (also titled "The Passion Trap") if you can find a used copy somewhere. I have been spamming this all over the place today. You need to let her go for now, maybe not forever, but for now. This book is about one partner loving more than the other and basically the more you chase and give in the faster they will run the other way. Respect her need for space for now and focus on yourself. Remember all the things you love(d) about yourself that you brushed aside for your relationship and go get them back.

 

Also, I don't recommend destroying all the reminders, just put them in a box out of sight or at a friends house if you need to. You may want them someday, when you are old and gray and thinking about how beautiful your life has been. (sorry, cheesy, but true)

Edited July 13, 2013 by along60years

[James9912]

Thanks for the advice, but still have the fight in me I guess.

 

Definitely a roller coaster of "see ya" for good and then thinking what I could have done differently.

 

In the meantime, I truly plan on working on myself and getting back to me as I definitely lost sight of that during our relationship. It kills me realizing some of this stuff now and know things could be different but need to give it time.

 

I think I may reach out in a month or so and grab coffee not to plead but just to check in and in a way show her I have moved on.

 

Cuts me deep but just need to keep working on myself regardless. I truly think one day she will look back at this and miss what potential we had if we dont work out.

 

The other tough thing is that one of her best friends is going out with a guy that they have continually broken up with and seem happy now. And even her sister, who is married now for 4+ years broke up with her current husband for a year when they were younger.

 

Cuts me deep but going to keep fighting for me and for us and once I get the finality in a month or so it will be easier to move forward.

 

I appreciate all comments so far.

[James9912]

I know she probably has the feeling I will come back at some point, so part of me doesn't want to...

 

But on the other hand, we we were truly us things were unreal, and im not talking about the honeymoon phase, just in general.

 

Anxiety, and life seemed to have thrown me off and in the end I may have apologized for too much but feel great/better. Just want the opportunity to be that person again with her....

 

And frankly speaking, I am a good guy of pure heart, pretty good looking and in good shape and could reach out and find another girl right now but my heart and emotions are getting the best of me right now. Just trying to survive these times as best I can.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks for the advice, but still have the fight in me I guess.

 

Definitely a roller coaster of "see ya" for good and then thinking what I could have done differently.

 

In the meantime, I truly plan on working on myself and getting back to me as I definitely lost sight of that during our relationship. It kills me realizing some of this stuff now and know things could be different but need to give it time.

 

I think I may reach out in a month or so and grab coffee not to plead but just to check in and in a way show her I have moved on.

 

Cuts me deep but just need to keep working on myself regardless. I truly think one day she will look back at this and miss what potential we had if we dont work out.

 

The other tough thing is that one of her best friends is going out with a guy that they have continually broken up with and seem happy now. And even her sister, who is married now for 4+ years broke up with her current husband for a year when they were younger.

 

Cuts me deep but going to keep fighting for me and for us and once I get the finality in a month or so it will be easier to move forward.

 

I appreciate all comments so far.

 

A month is way too short of time.

[GG3]

Seems like a lot of focus on "not being ourselves."

 

I'm wondering if you are overthinking that.

[James9912]

Yeah, there was long distance involved for awhile too (nearly a year) which we got through but it was tough for sure.

 

At the end of the day it seemed like things leaned towards one thing or another and there was pressure to be a certain way.

 

In our last moments, weeks and whatnot we were together just relaxing and not having a care in the world (just like when we were dating) things were awesome, and she said the same.

 

Just really having trouble with this one, dying on the inside. And am resisting every urge to reach out to her again.

 

Killing me slowly, very painful....

[James9912]

and honestly I can feel myself becoming that person again, its just a damn shame that its happening now and I didn't realize it sooner.

 

Cuts me deep

[happydate]

I know she probably has the feeling I will come back at some point, so part of me doesn't want to...

 

But on the other hand, we we were truly us things were unreal, and im not talking about the honeymoon phase, just in general.

 

Anxiety, and life seemed to have thrown me off and in the end I may have apologized for too much but feel great/better. Just want the opportunity to be that person again with her....

 

And frankly speaking, I am a good guy of pure heart, pretty good looking and in good shape and could reach out and find another girl right now but my heart and emotions are getting the best of me right now. Just trying to survive these times as best I can.

 

Women who are not a match for you will create and promote your anxiety and fear, because you have to cater mostly to her needs. That's not love; that 's a slave attitude being obedient to the master. I'm not sure why you want to reach out to her -- raise more of your anxiety?

 

A right woman WILL NEVER raise your anxiety level. Why should her? In fact, if you think you are happy alone, the right woman will make you happier together!! Sure, there might be some anxiety moments, but it will dissolve and not kept brewing and drilling down your self-esteem.

So how can you decide she's the right one now when she's making you an emotional wreck? I just don't understand the millions of men who would undergo marriage only to benefit divorce lawyers later on with their Porsches and Ferraris with your money is beyond me.

 

Only go for sex with these women and learn their M.Os and avoid committing or even having kids with them. It just complicates things.

 

For me, I just avoid train wrecks all together.

 

The role can be reversed with a man doing exactly the same thing to a woman.

Edited July 15, 2013 by happydate

[James9912]

My biggest problem was keeping it in as long as I did versus tackling it head on.

 

I am doing that now and feel much better (other than missing her) not like I did before though.

 

It is a confident person who misses her, I know she is reconnecting with old friends and whatnot and have the feeling that if i let the NC go too far she will be "in too deep" so to speak and be lost...

 

I just want to show her how things are without coming accross desparate. Just truly let her know a few things as we know eachother better than anyone.

[Simon Phoenix]

My biggest problem was keeping it in as long as I did versus tackling it head on.

 

I am doing that now and feel much better (other than missing her) not like I did before though.

 

It is a confident person who misses her, I know she is reconnecting with old friends and whatnot and have the feeling that if i let the NC go too far she will be "in too deep" so to speak and be lost...

 

I just want to show her how things are without coming accross desparate. Just truly let her know a few things as we know eachother better than anyone.

 

Contacting her now is basically dressing yourself in lights that spell out "Desperate".

[happydate]

My biggest problem was keeping it in as long as I did versus tackling it head on.

 

I am doing that now and feel much better (other than missing her) not like I did before though.

 

It is a confident person who misses her, I know she is reconnecting with old friends and whatnot and have the feeling that if i let the NC go too far she will be "in too deep" so to speak and be lost...

 

I just want to show her how things are without coming accross desparate. Just truly let her know a few things as we know eachother better than anyone.

 

If she wants to, you'll get the bread crumbs but it's only on her terms. Breakups are for both parties to heal and then move on. You can't force your girlfriend to wait for you to heal and give second chances. That's not really fair to her. If she decides to bang a new guy, that is her choice and right. If you feel that's not her right and that you are her only man, perhaps you may need some help. I am starting to see some inherent internal emotional issues that may had probably be some causes of scaring her away.

 

Again, I have never feel anxiety to be any causes of breakups. When you date lots of women, you'll know that this isn't true and the main cause of any breakup is the same; she no longer wants you period. There are exceptions, but I had been through those as well. Be patient and let time do its bidding.

If she calls she calls. A few months later and if you feel much better, you may or may not want to reconnect. If you do, you won't sound as desperate.

If you guys are meant to be together, the lord will always make that happen. Trust that. It always works for me.

Edited July 15, 2013 by happydate

[James9912]

My main point was that my anxiety and not being open about it pushed her away. Rather than being open an honest about things I hid my emotions and over time she took that as me being me, when in actuality its not.

 

I technically am the one who was broken up with here so it is on me to show interest again at some point. She may care she may not, but I feel at some point down the road it is worth a shot once I start getting back in my groove.

 

All her friends loved me, same with her family, but i know at the end of the day it is on her. I just want an opportunity or two to show who the real me is again and we can be together again as we both have learned much from eachother.

[Simon Phoenix]

My main point was that my anxiety and not being open about it pushed her away. Rather than being open an honest about things I hid my emotions and over time she took that as me being me, when in actuality its not.

 

I technically am the one who was broken up with here so it is on me to show interest again at some point. She may care she may not, but I feel at some point down the road it is worth a shot once I start getting back in my groove.

 

All her friends loved me, same with her family, but i know at the end of the day it is on her. I just want an opportunity or two to show who the real me is again and we can be together again as we both have learned much from eachother.

 

This is absolutely, 100 percent false. She broke up with you, so it's up to her to get you back. You are looking at this ass-backwards.

[happydate]

My main point was that my anxiety and not being open about it pushed her away. Rather than being open an honest about things I hid my emotions and over time she took that as me being me, when in actuality its not.

 

I technically am the one who was broken up with here so it is on me to show interest again at some point. She may care she may not, but I feel at some point down the road it is worth a shot once I start getting back in my groove.

 

All her friends loved me, same with her family, but i know at the end of the day it is on her. I just want an opportunity or two to show who the real me is again and we can be together again as we both have learned much from eachother.

 

Tell me James, what can she do if she knows you have some kind of anxiety disorder. Tell me what can she do? Are you looking for some kind of sympathy from her? Dude, this girl would have stayed with you if she truly care. You are NOT dating her friends and definitely not her family. It doesn't matter if her mutt dog named Elvis loved you. It makes no difference. It's only her that counts. She won't really need to care. The moment you stick your wand into her vagina, she owns you and the dumping clock starts ticking. Get that?!?

[James9912]

yes, thank you.

 

I just want to show her that I am not like that anymore and meet up at some point down the road to show her the same me I was when we met that's all.

 

No I'm not going to tell her about all my problems.

 

I have no idea what her view of me right now is, but I am giving it time. I dont think you are understanding

[James9912]

and I know it was the one who broke up with me, but I just want to subtly show how I'm not the person she broke up with.

 

I'm me again and feeling good.

 

Nm..I'm just going to carry on with no contact even though the no contact rule was never officially established whatever..

[Love...a miracle]

Hi everyone,

 

Firstly, I have been impressed by the support and care shown on these forums by people who have no link to each other apart from their respective heart breaks. Secondly, the frank and sincere advice and insights are really refreshing. Good to be honest with ourselves.

 

I had been dating a wonderful girl for just over 2.5 years. We met at university and she was from a neighbouring country. So, holidays were always apart. Then, I moved to another city to begin my working life. Long distance became even more real from then on, with us seeing each other every 2/3 months. From the get go nobody gave us a chance, but we somehow created a flourishing relationship and were cute and deeply in love.

 

Unfortunately, by my very nature I am a very planned and structured person. I have also always been a top student and held my career progression in very high regard. She is quite different: spontaneous, disorganised and lives for the moment. Funnily though, our different worldviews drew us together and we learned very much from each other.

 

I am a strong believer in the law of attraction, and I recall now that from very early on in my relationship I was concerned that she lacked ambition, was disorganised (her room was always a mess) and was not reflective enough. I did love her unconditionally, but I did what I typically do with most things in my life: I over-analysed. This ended up in me taking her for granted quite often. I also tried to impose some of my worldviews on her. Whether good or bad, the universe gives you the outcome of the energy that you send out. And, eventually it brought our break up.

 

The break up came two months ago when I visited her at university. We went for a walk and out of the blue we started to discuss what we would do in 2014. She always wanted to go overseas but I always hoped we would somehow be in the same place. We always lived with a sword above our heads through long distance, not knowing how it would lead to us being in a settled space. We were committed to marrying one day and it was a given that we would be together. I am convinced that many of my doubts were driven by long distance because when we were in the same physical place we flourished and were such a loving couple.

 

This break up was bizarre, folks. We broke up, agreeing that it had to be done because of the geographical uncertainty of next year. Both of us crying and emotional. Only to continue our walk and be laughing and hugging a few minutes later. We spent the rest of the week cuddling, going on dates, being cute as ever, watching movies, having fun! We bought each other thank you gifts and prayed to God together. It was something incredible. I returned to my working city and was fine for the first two weeks, convincing myself mentally that this was the logical route (planning as always!). Then an upheaval happened after my dad admonished me for always 'being so grateful that it ended well' instead of being sincere with my emotions and letting it out. I broke into deep sadness at the realisation that I was pretending to be alright with what happened. I said to myself: if you really love this girl, how could you not fight for next year? Even if the practicalities of geographical separation were far from clear?

 

I then did the most spontaneous thing of my life, I took a flight to her far-away university town, completely unannounced. Nobody knew that I was on that plane. It felt so right and I did this with an incredible conviction in my blood. I was going to get her back.

 

I arrived at her door with a bouquet of flowers on a full moon Friday night. She was overwhelmed and that night I thought I had her back. We cuddled, were cute and very loving. Next morning, sadly, she came back from lectures and we had 'the talk'. She said she is not in an emotional state to continue in this relationship. I was crushed. I knew for some time that she had major upheavals in her life in 2013, and I know she was sincere. We cried together for two full days. As with the 'first break up' we went on dates, read, laughed, cuddled and watched movies. Bizarre version 2.0. She kept on saying that she hopes that Serendipity happens and that our stars align again for us to be together, at the same time saying to me that I must not wait for her and that 'this is happening'. I did not beg or plead with her. I accepted her feelings. However, I was crushed and did all I could do in that setting, cried profusely. In our last afternoon together we got incredibly emotional and I squeezed her so hard in the last hug that she made a wheezy sound from deep in her chest haha! And that was that! Not the outcome I had hoped for, but I left with a real sense of closure in that I had been sincere to myself and had apologised to her for how I had treated her at times. I wanted her to never forget that I cherished and loved her.

 

After my 'second break up' I got a big wake up call. I realised that I need to improve in many areas, notably being more generous to others, not taking people for granted, loving unconditionally and being more easy going.

 

I know that I deeply love this girl. I was not down because of the thought of her with someone else or because I am lonely and insecure. I was crushed because I had a terrible feeling in my gut that I may have lost my dream girl. I know I can find someone else who is amazing but she is the one I want.

 

I know not to put her on a pedestal and keep blaming myself for how I mistreated her at times, because I mostly treated her with great care and affection. She had a number of flaws too, and often dampened my enthusiasm with some of her inflexible views on aspects of her life. However, it kills me to think that all my self-discovery and realisations about her had to come as a result of losing her. I wish I had taken action earlier.

 

Back in my working city, I was deeply unsettled emotionally at the beginning but I have now become very proactive: gymming, socialising, making new friends, going to shows, and spending family time. I am not sitting here in misery waiting for her to come back. I respect myself and love myself and she is missing out!

 

Have done a month of no contact already, and this has helped tremendously. I can only have one role with her: that of her lover. I cannot be her friend.

 

One of my biggest questions is: how great/or not great would our relationship have been if life just gave us a chance to be in one place for an indefinite period of time? I long to have her back but I want her to be happy and if that means being away from me then I accept that. Deep down, my gut is shouting 'Serendipity' and that we will make our way to one another again.

 

I look forward to your insights. Thanks for hearing me out.